I wish people would stop policing what's normal for other people
Dear Prudence,
I was adopted as a baby and was never told anything about my birth parents, except that they were unmarried and couldn’t take care of me. My adoptive parents divorced when I was 5. I would consider them my caretakers, not parents. I now live several states away from them and rarely see them. Here, most people would say that I should find my birth parents. But I don’t want to find them. Part of this is fear: I already have two parents who are indifferent to me. I don’t want it confirmed that my birth parents are, too.
It might be nice to meet my birth parents, but I don’t really want a relationship with them. When I’ve told people this, they think I am strange. But I am happy with my life as it is. I have close friends and have had several fulfilling romantic relationships, even though my last boyfriend ended things because he said I didn’t really know what family is since I’m not in touch with my own. Does every adoptive child need to discover their heritage?
—Don’t Want to Find My Family
Re: I wish people would stop policing what's normal for other people
DH was adopted and he doesn't want to meet his birth parents either. His adoptive mom was killed by a drunk driver when he was 4 and his adoptive dad is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's, yet he still doesn't want to meet his birth parents.
Different strokes for different folks.
Why is this even a question? That's entirely up to the individual.
The way LW writes, it sounds like this is several, if not many people teeing her this. TF is wrong with people?
Whenever people try to bring that shit up to me, I shut it down, and fairly rudely. My family business is NOT yours, period. This is not something you get to have an opinion on, you didn't live through their BS. Not everyone's parental units were shining examples of parental love or even ones that are worth forgiving later.
"It might be worth for that factor alone." Nope.
I've heard of people staying in cheating relationships - doesn't mean it's up to me to tell you (general you) to do the same.
My mom was adopted, never looked for her birth mom. My only question is about Alzheimer's, but that's still a newish question yet.
However, once his name was on that list, his biological family was able to find him. Guess what? Sometimes there are good reasons that you are given up for adoption. Although my dad's adopted father was an ass, his mother was awesome and the rest of his extended family is great.
I have learned through the years that family is not only about blood, but about the people you want in your life.
ETF: writing before coffee = grammar fail
Admittedly when I was a freshman in college I had a roommate who was the product of an affair and never knew her birth father or his name. She had no interest in ever meeting him, which to 18 year old me was nuts, but I get it now.
I have a half brother. My dad's girlfriend got pregnant in high school and they got married. Two years later they divorced and her boyfriend adopted the kid. My dad has no desire to see him and no one in my family has ever been contacted by him.
I wonder about him, though. Actually as of 2007 when I worked at the courthouse and had access to info like that, he lived in the town I just moved to. Apparently he looks like my dad. I will shit if I see him at the Jewel.
Honestly I'm usually surprised that adopted people want to find their birth parents however I wouldn't judge them for it, it's obviously their choice. To me there was probably some reason they felt they couldn't take care of a child so it's probably going to be a disappointment to meet them. Also I believe that creating a child does not make you a parent, to be a parent you need to take care of the child.
Is that legal to look up that information? I know in healthcare, I'd get fired if I looked up information that wasn't pertinent to a patient I was working with.
Shrug. I doubt it's illegal. It's public info, just was easier for me to access. I'm talking about stuff like traffic tickets.