Having Trouble Setting a Date

bridetobe26-2 · May 2016

Hey everyone!

I am having some trouble setting our wedding date. My fiance and I have been together for five years and we got engaged in January. He is 20 and I will be 19 next month. We are both students earning our bachelor degrees and living together. We are so happy and want to get married next September, when I would be 20 and he would be 21.

The only thing is that I want to be able to have a glass of wine at my own wedding and my extended family to not blow a gasket about it. It's not about actually having a drink, it's the ability to and to not feel like a child. It seems like such a trivial thing to get caught up about, but you haven't met my family. I can just see someone saying something negative, and I don't need any of that on our wedding day.

The alternative would be to wait until a year after that. Although it would mean that I would be 21 and we would have more time to plan, I just don't know if I want to wait that long. We have already started our life together and the wedding would just make it official and be a celebration of that.

Any thoughts?

glasgowtolondon · May 2016

Wait till you are 21 and have the wedding you want, where you can celebrate your marriage with a drink. There really is no rush, in the grand scheme of life what is one extra year? Plus it might help ease some of the pressure of planning whilst trying to finish up your degree if you have a longer engagement.

charlotte989875 · May 2016

It might not be just your family you'd have to worry about, some venues may be strict about checking IDs, even if you're the bride. I'd wait until you're 21 and can drink legally if this is something important to you (FTR, having a drink at my wedding would be important I me). Added bonus, more time to plan and not having to worry about it while you're taking classes.

justsie · May 2016

I agree with PPs, I'd wait the extra year. That will probably also give you both more time to save for the wedding and since you'll be closer to graduation you will hopefully have a better idea of where life will lead you after you graduate.

MandTFebruary62011 · May 2016

I was 30 when we got engaged.... it was my fiance's 40th birthday party. We wanted to get married this year but it just wasn't going to work date-wise for a lot of reasons. We are getting married in 2017 after almost 2.5 years engaged. Would I like to be married sooner, absolutely. Is it that big of a deal? Not even a little. You're young, you have plenty of time. Might as well wait until you can enjoy your wedding day the way you want - with a glass of wine. You'll still be married, you'll get cheaper pricing (woo hoo to 2015 pricing on ALL major contracts for a 2017 wedding) and you will have lots of time to plan without the stress competing with school.

MandTFebruary62011 · May 2016

charlotte989875 said:

It might not be just your family you'd have to worry about, some venues may be strict about checking IDs, even if you're the bride. I'd wait until you're 21 and can drink legally if this is something important to you (FTR, having a drink at my wedding would be important I me). Added bonus, more time to plan and not having to worry about it while you're taking classes.

This is actually a FANTASTIC point. Most places that are actually venues could know you are under 21 and would get in HUGE legal trouble if you were drinking on the premises.

CMGragain · May 2016

Wine is not usually a part of a wedding ceremony. Why are you so focused on it?
Lots of weddings are alcohol free, and yours should probably be, too, since many of your contemporaries will also be underage.

You will have your whole lifetime to drink wine together. Why are you in such a hurry?

charlotte989875 · May 2016

CMGragain said:

Wine is not usually a part of a wedding ceremony. Why are you so focused on it?
Lots of weddings are alcohol free, and yours should probably be, too, since many of your contemporaries will also be underage.

You will have your whole lifetime to drink wine together. Why are you in such a hurry?

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to have a glass of wine at your own reception. Yes, there are many dry receptions but that doesn't mean she's in a hurry to drink with her FI just means she wants to be able to do that at her reception. I wouldn't have had a dry reception. I wouldn't want it, my now-H wouldn't want it neither would is family. Having a top shelf open bar was something important to us.

I dompletrly agree that if it is something important to OP they shoul wait until they are of age, but just because she wants a glass of wine at her reception doesn't make it wrong or something she is totally focused on.

Tyvm · May 2016

Yeah, I think waiting a year so your friends may also be able to drink might be nice. Unless you need health insurance [or parents won't let you live together until after marriage or he's leaving for military service] or something, you do have lots of time. Why not wait?

bridetobe26-2 · May 2016

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the advice. I have pretty much set my mind on September 2018 after a lot of thinking.

Its not that drinking at my wedding is important to me, its that I can just hear a snarky aunt making a comment that if I'm not old enough to legally drink why am I even getting married. I don't need that kind of tension or drama on my wedding day. It's the independence and freedom of the choice. Honestly, I will probably have the glass of champagne when we do toasts and that is all.

I am from the South, and every wedding that I have been to has had an open bar, even if the ceremony is held in a church and the reception is at a hotel. I know that our families would enjoy having a drink. I want to give them the option to relax and let loose after the stressful months leading up to the big day.

I am very anxious to start planning things officially and would like to get married tomorrow, but I know that I would regret not having the big celebration. We have lived together since January, so there is nothing pushing us to get married but my impatience.

Thanks all.

CMGragain · June 2016

Good for you! Waiting won't hurt, and you'll have more time to plan and save.

SP29 · June 2016

Nothing wrong with going to city hall tomorrow and getting married, but if you want the bigger celebration (which is also not wrong), I agree that waiting another year to save up and plan will save you a lot of stress!

I got engaged while I was in school (my master's program, which was 28 months), and we got married a couple months after I finished, a 2 year and one month engagement. We thought about getting married in between my first and second year, when I had 6 weeks off for summer, but decided the additional time to save and plan would be worth it. We also considered doing a lunch reception vs. dinner, but ultimately decided because we had so many OOT guests that a longer dinner reception seemed more appropriate (if guests were going to fly out for our wedding, we thought we should provide them dinner and a bar for the evening). That of course affected budget and was another reason to wait. I was able to do a lot of planning on my school breaks (a week or two here and there), and we were able to get good prices as we were planning early.

A lot of venues and vendors will sign you for the current year's pricing when you book so far in advance. Of course be sure about what you want before you sign on the dotted line, but getting 2016 prices for a 2018 wedding could save you a bit of money. It will also help you ensure you get the date you want (if you are attached to specific date).

lovesclimbing · August 2016

While there's nothing wrong with waiting another year to get married, I think delaying a wedding just so you can drink at your reception is silly. What's wrong with just having a glass of water or iced tea at your reception? Being able to drink doesn't make you an adult or anymore adultish. My mom has never had a glass of alcohol in her life (she got married at 18, btw, and no, she wasn't pregnant).

I think it's important that you are able to brush off your family's comments and ignore the negative.

[Deleted User] · August 2016

Something else to consider when planning your wedding date is if you or your FI are receiving any financial aid. Getting married could impact that. My niece is engaged and they wanted to get married in 2017. Then my BIL sat them down and explained some of the financial things regarding college & getting married. Short version, my niece doesn't qualify for financial aid to due to some family businesses. Her FI gets total financial aid. If they get married, my nieces income then would impact her FI ability to get financial aid. FI doesn't get enough to then cover what FI would lose in financial aid and neither set of parents is either. So to avoid loosing thousands of dollars in financial aid, they are going to wait to get married until FI is done with school.

CMGragain · September 2016

I could not get married while I was in college. I was receiving financial aid from my late father, and those benefits would have stopped as soon as I was married. I guess I'm lucky that my heart throb dumped me for that skinny blond. I married DH three years later. (The blond dumped Mr. Wrong a year later. Ha!)

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