Pulled in all directions.

Knottie1459970861 · June 2016

I'm so done with all this wedding planning. Every single time I come up with a plan, either FH has a problem with the plan or my mom has a problem or FMIL has a problem. I could be convinced to like almost any plan we come up with. Me and FH have FINALLY gotten a plan together of what we want. Anyone I talk to that isn't family loves all of the plans we've made. But I just can't keep going back and forth. I can't deal with all of the guilt I have for not pleasing my mom or his mom or me or him and I'm so done with everything I almost don't want to plan this stupid thing anymore.

How do I get my mom to BACK OFF and let me plan the wedding that I want without making me feel bad or guilty every two days? She makes me want to pull my hair out and I dread when she asks about the wedding because I know she'll find a reason to be unhappy.

SP29 · June 2016

Sorry to hear your mom and FMIL are being less than supportive. We would all hope our parents would be most happy to have us, as their child, happy with *our* wedding- but alas, that is not always the case.

Who is paying for this wedding?

If it is solely yourself and FH, then you two are the only people you need to please. Stop talking to your mom or FMIL about wedding plans. While it is nice to share your wedding planning with your family, there is no reason they need to be treated differently than any other wedding guest and they can receive their invitation like anyone else when it is ready. If they have an issue you can say, "We have decided on X, and we will no longer discuss the topic."

If your parents or FH's parents are contributing, then they get a say. If they offered money, did they offer to pay for specific items, or did they give a large sum of money in general? If they offered to pay for the DJ, then that is all they need to be concerned with. However, if they are contributing a portion, then unfortunately, they get to pull strings on the big items such as the guest list, reception venue, meal, etc....

If the above is the case, your options are to accept your families have attached strings to their money and go with it, or you decline their offer of money and plan the wedding you and your FH can afford and want.

glasgowtolondon · June 2016

Knottie1459970861 said:

I'm so done with all this wedding planning. Every single time I come up with a plan, either FH has a problem with the plan or my mom has a problem or FMIL has a problem. I could be convinced to like almost any plan we come up with. Me and FH have FINALLY gotten a plan together of what we want. Anyone I talk to that isn't family loves all of the plans we've made. But I just can't keep going back and forth. I can't deal with all of the guilt I have for not pleasing my mom or his mom or me or him and I'm so done with everything I almost don't want to plan this stupid thing anymore.

How do I get my mom to BACK OFF and let me plan the wedding that I want without making me feel bad or guilty every two days? She makes me want to pull my hair out and I dread when she asks about the wedding because I know she'll find a reason to be unhappy.

You need to stop telling her your plans. If she is nothing but critical just stop the wedding related conversations completely. It's hard, but necessary. If she asks about anything just tell her you haven't made a decision on X yet. The classic bean dip technique. You will never please everyone, so don't even try. The only person you need to get on the same page as is your FI.

That being said, is she contributing to or paying for the wedding? If the answer is yes then unfortunately those who pay get a say. If this is the case I would advise paying for the wedding yourself, even if that means scaling back your plans. At least then they will be yours as a couple, no one else.

Knottie1459970861 · June 2016

His mom and my parents have offered to pay for specific things, and my parents are (currently) going to be the photographers. However, other than FMIL paying for the honeymoon we haven't accepted any money and are planning on paying for it all ourselves.

Tyvm · June 2016

Well, they who pay get a say.
If you can't accept the terms of the money, then you can always return it (they have given you the money, haven't they? DO NOT sign contracts until the money is in your bank account! All the money you need to fulfill the contract).

Do not have your parents work as the photographers. That's just not going to work out well. They should be socializing and interacting with guests, not working.

Otherwise, just respond with vague replies. Don't really give any specific information. It can also help to give these people each a task/responsibility you don't care about. For example, make FMIL in charge of researching table linens. But make sure these are things that you don't care all that much about. Centerpieces? Favors?

ernursej · June 2016

Don't accept any money or services from either set of parents and they stop sharing details with them. It sucks to have to go that direction, but it might make things easier.

tigerlily6 · June 2016

Knottie1459970861 said:

His mom and my parents have offered to pay for specific things, and my parents are (currently) going to be the photographers. However, other than FMIL paying for the honeymoon we haven't accepted any money and are planning on paying for it all ourselves.

I'm not sure this is a good idea at all. I know photography can be a hefty item in a budget, but it sounds like the emotional drama of getting it for "free" doesn't really make it worth it. Also, even if you and your mom shared the exact same vision for how the wedding would go, it is generally recommended that you not have family members act as wedding staff. They really ought to be able to celebrate that day just as the father and mother of the bride, and not have to work. And what if (God forbid) some kind of quarrel did come up and they leave you stranded without photographers? You can sue a professional if they break their contract, but you can't really do that with your parents. It may be a nice gesture on your parents' part to offer their services, but (1) there are too many strings attached, and (2) both manners and practicality would suggest it's best to keep business and family separate.

Also, I agree that you need to stop sharing details. I have butted heads a bit with my mom on a few planning ideas, and I've learned it's best to only communicate what I need to when it comes to wedding planning.

Tyvm · June 2016

Every single time I come up with a plan, either FH has a problem with the plan or my mom has a problem or FMIL has a problem.

When FH has a problem with your idea/plan, you should probably tell him to go research alternatives...I hope he's helping out with this, it's more than a one person job!!

levioosa · June 2016

Pay for the wedding yourselves, in its entirety (including a third party photographer). Then stop sharing any details with anyone other than FI.

thefanciestbeckler · June 2016

#1 DO NOT let your parents be your photographers. Period. In my mind, allowing them to do this is essentially giving them control, as photography can take up a large amount of the budget and they are essentially saving you from that expense.

#2 Don't accept any money whatsoever, not even for the honeymoon. He/she who pays gets a say, even if their contributions are towards your honeymoon.

If neither families are contributing financially (or by giving/donating services as a "gift"), they don't get a say in any of the plans. It's as simple as that. If you pay for all of it by yourselves and they continue to think that they deserve a say, don't talk to them about any more of your plans.

CMGragain · June 2016

Knottie1459970861 said:

I'm so done with all this wedding planning. Every single time I come up with a plan, either FH has a problem with the plan or my mom has a problem or FMIL has a problem. I could be convinced to like almost any plan we come up with. Me and FH have FINALLY gotten a plan together of what we want. Anyone I talk to that isn't family loves all of the plans we've made. But I just can't keep going back and forth. I can't deal with all of the guilt I have for not pleasing my mom or his mom or me or him and I'm so done with everything I almost don't want to plan this stupid thing anymore.

How do I get my mom to BACK OFF and let me plan the wedding that I want without making me feel bad or guilty every two days? She makes me want to pull my hair out and I dread when she asks about the wedding because I know she'll find a reason to be unhappy.

There is a famous quote that says "I don't know the secret of success, but I know that the sure way to failure is to try to please everybody."

Stop talking about your wedding plans to everybody except your FI. IF mom asks a question, you say, "Thanks, Mom, we have that covered. Have you tried this bean dip? It is delicious!"

You can post about your wedding plans here on The Knot. If you are breaking any etiquette rules, we will tell you.

MesmrEwe · June 2016

1) Hire some photographers - your parents should be relaxing and enjoying the day. PERIOD! Having them work - is having them work. How are you going to get pictures WITH your parents (kind of a big deal) on your wedding day?

2) Go on the honeymoon that the two of you can afford.

3) As others have said - "Ye who pays gets a say" ...

4) It's a choice to FEEL any emotion. Feeling guilt is a choice. Ask yourself why are you feeling guilty about your choices? If they're trying to "help" in pointing out things like "asking your guests to move their chairs from the ceremony to the reception because you're too cheap to rent enough chairs for both" or having an outdoor reception in the middle of summer in Texas (or winter in Michigan) is significantly different from "I don't like your choice of clearance rack invitations and want you to order these super expensive ones instead" guilt... The first is justified, the second is WTF... As long as you're hosting your guests properly for the level of wedding you're having, there's no reason to feel guilty about it. At the end of the day you two have to decide what YOU want. (Since you didn't include what the guilt trips are about, we can only speculate...)

5) Read the book ... "Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning" by Doherty ... The daughter author is a former Knottie from "Back in the day" who wrote it with her Dad (a Psychologist)..

Knottie1459970861 · June 2016

MesmrEwe said:

It's a choice to FEEL any emotion. Feeling guilt is a choice.

I would beg to differ with this, I didn't choose to feel pain and sadness when my grandmothers passed away or to feel fear when I hear that a dear loved one may have been in a terrible accident. But that's a topic for another discussion.
As long as you're hosting your guests properly for the level of wedding you're having, there's no reason to feel guilty about it.
That could mean so many different things to every different person, it's insane. I feel I've been properly hosted if there's cake and soda but someone else might feel they need to be offered a full meal and alcohol. This is part of the problem.
At the end of the day you two have to decide what YOU want. (Since you didn't include what the guilt trips are about, we can only speculate...)
My mom has made me feel guilty about anything she could. She made me feel guilty for not wanting to cater. She made me feel guilty for not wanting alcohol. She even made me feel guilty about not wanting a first dance or any dancing at all. She's made me feel guilty about wanting it a park, then for how short we want the reception to be. She makes me feel guilty for changing my mind so much. You get the point. Any decision I make she second guesses and makes me feel guilty for wanting. Me and FH have gone full circle and how decided for certain-ish that we want cake and punch with no alcohol (maybe) and no dancing. Just cake and punch. She made me feel guilty for it because "without alcohol it won't be a party" and she feels we HAVE to have food for everyone. She even made me feel guilty because I came up with a plan with my dad, and then changed it to something me and FH both liked and agreed on. Plus she keeps saying mean things about FH because he wont' agree to every little thing she or I suggest, even when I explain that it is *his* wedding too. He doesn't care as much as I do, but he does want it to be something we can be proud of and has found issues with the other plans that we hadn't thought of.

Tyvm · June 2016

As long as you're hosting your guests properly for the level of wedding you're having, there's no reason to feel guilty about it.
That could mean so many different things to every different person, it's insane. I feel I've been properly hosted if there's cake and soda but someone else might feel they need to be offered a full meal and alcohol. This is part of the problem.

@MesmrEwe means properly hosting according to conservative etiquette guidelines, OP. Which basically means Miss Manners + others (but not Emily Post) . Basically, if etiquette says Aunt Myrtle has been properly hosted, but Auntie doesn't feel that's so, then it's Auntie's personal problem, not yours. So long as you give all the proper indicators of a meal-free reception (i.e, timing, word of mouth, possibly invite wording) , you're in the clear with a cake and punch wedding.

charlotte989875 · June 2016

Knottie1459970861 said:

MesmrEwe said:

It's a choice to FEEL any emotion. Feeling guilt is a choice.

I would beg to differ with this, I didn't choose to feel pain and sadness when my grandmothers passed away or to feel fear when I hear that a dear loved one may have been in a terrible accident. But that's a topic for another discussion.
As long as you're hosting your guests properly for the level of wedding you're having, there's no reason to feel guilty about it.
That could mean so many different things to every different person, it's insane. I feel I've been properly hosted if there's cake and soda but someone else might feel they need to be offered a full meal and alcohol. This is part of the problem.
At the end of the day you two have to decide what YOU want. (Since you didn't include what the guilt trips are about, we can only speculate...)
My mom has made me feel guilty about anything she could. She made me feel guilty for not wanting to cater. She made me feel guilty for not wanting alcohol. She even made me feel guilty about not wanting a first dance or any dancing at all. She's made me feel guilty about wanting it a park, then for how short we want the reception to be. She makes me feel guilty for changing my mind so much. You get the point. Any decision I make she second guesses and makes me feel guilty for wanting. Me and FH have gone full circle and how decided for certain-ish that we want cake and punch with no alcohol (maybe) and no dancing. Just cake and punch. She made me feel guilty for it because "without alcohol it won't be a party" and she feels we HAVE to have food for everyone. She even made me feel guilty because I came up with a plan with my dad, and then changed it to something me and FH both liked and agreed on. Plus she keeps saying mean things about FH because he wont' agree to every little thing she or I suggest, even when I explain that it is *his* wedding too. He doesn't care as much as I do, but he does want it to be something we can be proud of and has found issues with the other plans that we hadn't thought of.

I think I counted 9 "she made me"s there. I agree with @MesmrEwe in that she can't make you feel or do anything without your consent. She's clearly trying to manipulate you into something that she wants that you and your FI don't want; so stop letting her! Don't engage with her, anytime she's starts in on things she thinks you should be doing shut it down, change the subject, tell her it's not up for discussion.

And if she is insulting your FI or saying mean thing to him you need to put and end to it, "Mom it is unacceptable to speak to FI in that manner, he is my partner and family and you cannot act like that to him. If it continues we will leave/hang up/ walk away".

mrsconn23 · June 2016

Seriously dude, I think you need to take a step back from planning right now. You and your FI need to figure out what YOU want for your wedding. Plan it, pay for it, and send invites. Stop talking to family. Ask no one to do anything but show up. There's too much fuckery here with people and relying on anyone for anything regarding your wedding seems to invite a lot of stress for you.

You've asked for advice on here in several posts on how to plan this. You're getting *too* many opinions, which doesn't seem to be helping to ease your concern and/or anxiety over this process.

There's going to be many more things that come up in your marriage that are going to be way more important than a one day event (because that's what a wedding is, one day) and are going to be 10 times more stressful and life-altering. Standing up for each other now and working at compromise will only help with bigger things down the line.

lnixon8 · June 2016

OP what do you mean "She made me feel guilty for not wanting to cater." and " she feels we HAVE to have food for everyone" Because you do have to feed everyone. I would highly suggest even with just cake and punch bumping it up to a cheese and crackers or a veggie tray but even if you don't want to do that you should have enough cake for everyone and (especially if you are talking about outside in a park) plenty of water and punch for your guests.

It sounds like you would be a good candidate for eloping.

MesmrEwe · June 2016

Knottie1459970861 said:

MesmrEwe said:

It's a choice to FEEL any emotion. Feeling guilt is a choice.

I would beg to differ with this, I didn't choose to feel pain and sadness when my grandmothers passed away or to feel fear when I hear that a dear loved one may have been in a terrible accident. But that's a topic for another discussion.
As long as you're hosting your guests properly for the level of wedding you're having, there's no reason to feel guilty about it.
That could mean so many different things to every different person, it's insane. I feel I've been properly hosted if there's cake and soda but someone else might feel they need to be offered a full meal and alcohol. This is part of the problem.
At the end of the day you two have to decide what YOU want. (Since you didn't include what the guilt trips are about, we can only speculate...)
My mom has made me feel guilty about anything she could. She made me feel guilty for not wanting to cater. She made me feel guilty for not wanting alcohol. She even made me feel guilty about not wanting a first dance or any dancing at all. She's made me feel guilty about wanting it a park, then for how short we want the reception to be. She makes me feel guilty for changing my mind so much. You get the point. Any decision I make she second guesses and makes me feel guilty for wanting. Me and FH have gone full circle and how decided for certain-ish that we want cake and punch with no alcohol (maybe) and no dancing. Just cake and punch. She made me feel guilty for it because "without alcohol it won't be a party" and she feels we HAVE to have food for everyone. She even made me feel guilty because I came up with a plan with my dad, and then changed it to something me and FH both liked and agreed on. Plus she keeps saying mean things about FH because he wont' agree to every little thing she or I suggest, even when I explain that it is *his* wedding too. He doesn't care as much as I do, but he does want it to be something we can be proud of and has found issues with the other plans that we hadn't thought of.

There are about a thousand ways to go in just one reply... Stop reacting and start making your emotions a conscious decision that is within your full power again. I can't make you suddenly feel the air moving over your right hand as you notice it slightly cooler than your left - that's a choice as you read the words on the screen in the here and now, it's not something I made you notice the feeling of, just brought your attention to it. Interrupt your patterns of constantly feeling negative emotions and take charge of how you feel. Detach and consider what may be behind some of these discussions. Take the emotion out for a few moments of these subjects because I sense there's a "tit for tat" going on of "Mom says something = immediately feel guilty" no matter how simple the subject. When you notice this happening with your Mom, immediately inside your head shout out "STOP IT!" to the feelings of guilt.

Is hiring a caterer a smart idea even if you're only having "Cake & Punch"? IMO - having someone you've hired to take care of the prep, keeping foods at proper temperatures, serving, restocking, and bussing/cleanup is a smart use of limited funds and worth every cent. Not something guilt-worthy, it's something functional given the logistics (cutting/serving cake is INCREDIBLY messy hence why many caterers charge for it)...

Do you need alcohol to have a good time - NO! But if you are providing alcohol for some of your guests, you provide it for all = Proper hosting (I.e. all guests treated equally). Do you need more than punch & cake if you're limiting it to cake/punch? No, however, It's a good idea especially if you have dietary considerations, any diabetics would appreciate something that isn't going to spike their blood sugar (i.e. cheese & meat tray), those allergic to an ingredient in the punch (ginger ale, dairy, etc. are common ingredients) or just aren't fans of punch, or on a diet, would love some ice cold bottled water that you can purchase for $3/24 pack, that's not going to break the bank or detract! It's finger food, not a meal.. "Cake & Punch" doesn't literally have to mean that those are the ONLY options you are allowed to serve. If you can swing it, the add-ons are appreciated, but if you can't, that's o.k. too! It's nothing to feel guilty over!

Tyvm · June 2016

...did your mom's wedding reception include full meals, alcohol, dancing, and lots and lots of people? If not, then this is proof that you can have a wedding without these.

Could she be trying to live vicariously through you? That's all well and good if she's paying, but she's not so she's SoL.

Knottie1459970861 · June 2016

Things got kinda snarky and judgmental (imo) really fast. I'm a sensitive person and I feel guilty a lot because I try to not let my parents live vicariously through me. Maybe I shouldn't let my mom get to me so much, but it doesn't change how I feel. I don't know all of these etiquette rules and if they dictate how a person gets to celebrate the joining of two lives then I don't want to know them. Thank you ladies for your advice and comments.

MNNEBride · June 2016

Well, best of luck to you. IMO, no one was snarky and judgmental in their response to your post. You were given some good advice and I hope you seriously consider it.

Tyvm · June 2016

Knottie1459970861 said:

Things got kinda snarky and judgmental (imo) really fast. I'm a sensitive person and I feel guilty a lot because I try to not let my parents live vicariously through me. Maybe I shouldn't let my mom get to me so much, but it doesn't change how I feel. I don't know all of these etiquette rules and if they dictate how a person gets to celebrate the joining of two lives then I don't want to know them. Thank you ladies for your advice and comments.

@Knottie1459970861Etiquette doesn't dictate "how a person gets to celebrate the joining of two lives." You can look at it from two perspectives:

It's how to properly treat/host your wedding guests. Breaking these etiquette rules generally means you're not treating your guests respectfully/properly/well/etc. There's varied opinions about whether there is regional etiquette and how far you can take the concept of "know your people" (most around TK tend not to believe in either when it comes to etiquette), so take all that with a grain of salt.
Or you could also think of it as judgement-limiting. As in, I followed all the etiquette rules so anyone's complaining is their personal opinion/problem (i.e., I did everything societal rules say to do, everything else is just gossip or personal entitlement or misdirected well wishes or unfounded expectations).

People have all kinds of expectations around weddings and you can't please everyone. You can follow etiquette to cover your bases as it's a pretty explicit set of rules, but people's expectations outside of that are negotiable through proper communication. People's expectations are not an explicit set of rules, so it's usually easier to prioritize etiquette.

ETA: Some examples of etiquette showing respect/consideration for your guests: Indications of what type of wedding (i.e., cake & punch vs. dinner, black tie, etc), all guests having their significant other invited, the reception is a thank you to your guests for attending the ceremony (i.e., no tiered receptions), open bar or no bar. It goes on and on.

What this means is if your mother insists you must have dinner provided, she is not correct. Yes, you need to handle your family's expectations, but you are not required to provide a 5-course meal because she demands so. Your uncle could bad mouth your decision to have a dry wedding, but since it is not against the etiquette, he does not really have any footing to stand on. Yes, it is a personal preference/complaint, but you do not need to satisfy everyone's personal preference.

Unless, of course this "everyone" is paying for your wedding, in which case you're sorta SoL.

Pulled in all directions.

Re: Pulled in all directions.

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