Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion
Options

Plus Ones and Inviting Partners

katsandtattskatsandtatts member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I'm sure this question has been asked and answered hundreds of times before but in my digging I couldn't find a thread about it. 

We are having a small wedding that will just be family and close friends. In our world small is about 90 people because both my fiance and I have such big families!

We will be inviting the significant others of those of our friends and family members that are in relationships, however I am not comfortable giving plus ones to our single friends. This is because we want our wedding to be intimate and not full of random people we don't really know that are friends just brought because the invitation said they could, but moreso because we really can't afford to feed and host all these extra people.

For the most part, our friends seem to understand this. My fiance is not very close with his family (we have been dating for six years and there are some family members of his that I have never met or only met once or twice) and he just wants to invite them out of premise. He doesn't want to invite them because he wants them there, he's doing it to avoid family wars. I'm okay with this I guess, it's his decision. However, some of his cousins have girlfriends that they have been with for under a year at this time. Cousins that have either never or barely ever met; girlfriends who I definitely have never met and whose names I don't even know. Also, not that it necessarily matters, but these cousins are around high school age...

What does proper etiquette dictate in this situation? Better yet, what is your real life experience and opinion on it? Should we be extending plus ones/ invites to these people?
Daisypath Wedding tickers
Report Reply to Post
«1

Re: Plus Ones and Inviting Partners

  • Options
    ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2016
    katsandtatts said:
    I'm sure this question has been asked and answered hundreds of times before but in my digging I couldn't find a thread about it. 

    We are having a small wedding that will just be family and close friends. In our world small is about 90 people because both my fiance and I have such big families!

    We will be inviting the significant others of those of our friends and family members that are in relationships, however I am not comfortable giving plus ones to our single friends. This is because we want our wedding to be intimate and not full of random people we don't really know that are friends just brought because the invitation said they could, but moreso because we really can't afford to feed and host all these extra people.

    For the most part, our friends seem to understand this. My fiance is not very close with his family (we have been dating for six years and there are some family members of his that I have never met or only met once or twice) and he just wants to invite them out of premise. He doesn't want to invite them because he wants them there, he's doing it to avoid family wars. I'm okay with this I guess, it's his decision. However, some of his cousins have girlfriends that they have been with for under a year at this time. Cousins that have either never or barely ever met; girlfriends who I definitely have never met and whose names I don't even know. Also, not that it necessarily matters, but these cousins are around high school age...

    What does proper etiquette dictate in this situation? Better yet, what is your real life experience and opinion on it? Should we be extending plus ones/ invites to these people?


    You need to invite the SO of every adult on your guest list. Period.


    Edited for clarification

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    Report Reply
  • Options
    TyvmTyvm member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    Proper etiquette is to ask your guests if they're in a relationship. Everyone who is in a relationship gets their significant other invited. Something like "Are you in a relationship with someone that we should invite to the wedding?...and what's their full name?" The wording can probably use some work, but yes, you're supposed to ask each guest you're uncertain of relationship status. Sounds like a blast, no?

    Etiquette doesn't require you to give +1s to anyone (in fact, you're really supposed to have the name of *every* guest). This is a bit of a wigglier rule.

    No one under the age of 18 is required to have a guest or significant other invited. It'd be a nice gesture, but I don't believe etiquette requires it. This is another wiggly guideline. And you might want to be careful about minors, liability, and alcohol (although that should mostly be on the bartender).

    k thnx bye

    Report Reply
  • Options
    glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    What is 'around high school age'? Are you saying that all the people you are reffering to (that you don't want to invite their SO's) are minors? If you are referring solely to minors then I think that is a grey area, but if you are talking about 18+ then invite their partners. 
                 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    kahluakoalakahluakoala member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2016
    katsandtatts said:
    I'm sure this question has been asked and answered hundreds of times before but in my digging I couldn't find a thread about it. 

    We are having a small wedding that will just be family and close friends. In our world small is about 90 people because both my fiance and I have such big families!

    We will be inviting the significant others of those of our friends and family members that are in relationships, however I am not comfortable giving plus ones to our single friends. This is because we want our wedding to be intimate and not full of random people we don't really know that are friends just brought because the invitation said they could, but moreso because we really can't afford to feed and host all these extra people.

    For the most part, our friends seem to understand this. My fiance is not very close with his family (we have been dating for six years and there are some family members of his that I have never met or only met once or twice) and he just wants to invite them out of premise. He doesn't want to invite them because he wants them there, he's doing it to avoid family wars. I'm okay with this I guess, it's his decision. However, some of his cousins have girlfriends that they have been with for under a year at this time. Cousins that have either never or barely ever met; girlfriends who I definitely have never met and whose names I don't even know. Also, not that it necessarily matters, but these cousins are around high school age...

    What does proper etiquette dictate in this situation? Better yet, what is your real life experience and opinion on it? Should we be extending plus ones/ invites to these people?

    Of the bolded, I think the only thing that matters is that they are children - their social unit is their family (parents + cousins). I don't think length of time dating or whether you've met them should be a determining factor - I hope you're not employing these rules to your other guests. 

    Edit: this was recently talked about on a thread on the first page of ettiquette entitled "Brothers girlfriend". You'll get some opinions there.
    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1070972/brothers-girlfriend#latest
    Report Reply
  • Options
    SaintPaulGalSaintPaulGal member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2016
    ShesSoCold said:
    katsandtatts said:
    I'm sure this question has been asked and answered hundreds of times before but in my digging I couldn't find a thread about it. 

    We are having a small wedding that will just be family and close friends. In our world small is about 90 people because both my fiance and I have such big families!

    We will be inviting the significant others of those of our friends and family members that are in relationships, however I am not comfortable giving plus ones to our single friends. This is because we want our wedding to be intimate and not full of random people we don't really know that are friends just brought because the invitation said they could, but moreso because we really can't afford to feed and host all these extra people.

    For the most part, our friends seem to understand this. My fiance is not very close with his family (we have been dating for six years and there are some family members of his that I have never met or only met once or twice) and he just wants to invite them out of premise. He doesn't want to invite them because he wants them there, he's doing it to avoid family wars. I'm okay with this I guess, it's his decision. However, some of his cousins have girlfriends that they have been with for under a year at this time. Cousins that have either never or barely ever met; girlfriends who I definitely have never met and whose names I don't even know. Also, not that it necessarily matters, but these cousins are around high school age...

    What does proper etiquette dictate in this situation? Better yet, what is your real life experience and opinion on it? Should we be extending plus ones/ invites to these people?


    You need to invite the SO of every adult on your guest list. Period.


    Edited for clarification

    Precisely this.  Your guests' relationship status is not yours to define.  If they have been together 5 minutes or 5 decades, any adult who considers themselves to be in a relationship must be invited as a couple.  You are not required to provide +1s for truly single guests.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    TyvmTyvm member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Remember your relationship with your fiance at 11 months.
    If someone told you "You guys aren't that serious since you haven't even been together for a year," would you have been offended/pissed/hurt?
    @aurianna This logic only works for reasonable people, though. My sister is having a wedding where she's not planning to invite live-in partners (or any significant others, really) if she hasn't met them. She used the reasoning, "My friend so-and-so once invited me to her wedding without my then-live-in-boyfriend (now FI), and I wasn't offended." Some couples really do prioritize the wedding vision over their guests, and understand when other couples do the same to them. It's like Bizarro World.

    k thnx bye

    Report Reply
  • Options
    katsandtattskatsandtatts member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Thanks everyone, this is what I assumed and was afraid of. We don't want to offend anyone (even those we barely know)... Looks like our numbers just jumped up a bit :(
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    katsandtatts said:
    I'm sure this question has been asked and answered hundreds of times before but in my digging I couldn't find a thread about it. 

    We are having a small wedding that will just be family and close friends. In our world small is about 90 people because both my fiance and I have such big families!

    We will be inviting the significant others of those of our friends and family members that are in relationships, however I am not comfortable giving plus ones to our single friends. This is because we want our wedding to be intimate and not full of random people we don't really know that are friends just brought because the invitation said they could, but moreso because we really can't afford to feed and host all these extra people.

    For the most part, our friends seem to understand this. My fiance is not very close with his family (we have been dating for six years and there are some family members of his that I have never met or only met once or twice) and he just wants to invite them out of premise. He doesn't want to invite them because he wants them there, he's doing it to avoid family wars. I'm okay with this I guess, it's his decision. However, some of his cousins have girlfriends that they have been with for under a year at this time. Cousins that have either never or barely ever met; girlfriends who I definitely have never met and whose names I don't even know. Also, not that it necessarily matters, but these cousins are around high school age...

    What does proper etiquette dictate in this situation? Better yet, what is your real life experience and opinion on it? Should we be extending plus ones/ invites to these people?
    Since the cousins are minors, you don't have to invite their significant others.  However, for all adults, you need to invite significant others of all adult guests.   

    My husband and I were engaged after less than 3 months of dating and were married 8 months later.  I brought him to an intimate (<100 people) wedding of a college friend and she was incredibly gracious and excited to meet him. 




    Report Reply
  • Options
    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    aurianna said:

    Remember your relationship with your fiance at 11 months.
    If someone told you "You guys aren't that serious since you haven't even been together for a year," would you have been offended/pissed/hurt?
    We were married less than 11 months after we met.




    Report Reply
  • Options
    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Ditto that if the person is a minor, you don't need to invite the SO.

    But I'll say that when I first went to a family wedding with DH, we were together for 3 mo.   We're now together for 12.   We were serious at the time and we're serious now.   My phase of "I don't want a serious relationship" was about 3 weeks.  After that point we were serious.  

    Please don't judge how valid a relationship is by time.   A relationship is valid if the couple tells you it is. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    katsandtattskatsandtatts member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    You're right about the length of time together, I definitely agree. I don't believe any of them are actually minors, just young, which doesn't make much of difference. My real concern is that we barely know the cousins and don't know the SOs at all. But I do understand the etiquette you're pointing out and like I said before, I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    We also invited H's cousins on his dad's side out of obligation.  We kindly greeted them and I haven't seen them since.   I promise you won't notice them. 




    Report Reply
  • Options
    auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    SaintPaulGal said:
    If you barely know the cousins, why invite them?  He has to stand up to his family eventually or your life together is going to be miserable.  Why not start by having the wedding that you want rather than an excessively-expensive affair bloated with everyone who happens to share a few genes with your future husband?  No one is owed a wedding invitation, least of all distant relations you barely know.

    This. If you aren't close to the cousins, don't invite them. (this is assuming you haven't sent STDs or done something to strongly indicate an invitation will be coming).
    Report Reply
  • Options
    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    SaintPaulGal said:
    If you barely know the cousins, why invite them?  He has to stand up to his family eventually or your life together is going to be miserable.  Why not start by having the wedding that you want rather than an excessively-expensive affair bloated with everyone who happens to share a few genes with your future husband?  No one is owed a wedding invitation, least of all distant relations you barely know.
    In our situation, refusing to invite them would've made our lives miserable hearing the nagging from his parents.  We picked our battles, and that was one not worth fighting.  When those cousins invited us to their wedding, we stood our ground and didn't go because we didn't like them.  We got a bit of grief, but everyone moved on. 




    Report Reply
  • Options
    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Can you just invite aunts and uncles and not invite his cousins? Would that appease the family
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    Report Reply
  • Options
    katsandtattskatsandtatts member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    @SaintPaulGal and @aurianna I totally agree!! However @holyguacamole79 hits the nail on the head; his parents and grandparents would be very upset (and his parents are contributing some money toward the wedding; certainly not enough to cover all these extra cousins and their SOs as well as the few friends they want invited, but I digress...).

    @Photokitty we talked about that but we are both very close with the most of the cousins on my side of the family and feel it would be wrong to "pick and choose" which cousins we want there
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    kahluakoalakahluakoala member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    SaintPaulGal said:
    If you barely know the cousins, why invite them?  He has to stand up to his family eventually or your life together is going to be miserable.  Why not start by having the wedding that you want rather than an excessively-expensive affair bloated with everyone who happens to share a few genes with your future husband?  No one is owed a wedding invitation, least of all distant relations you barely know.

    I think there's some more grey area here than you're giving credit for. A few cousins to placate parents and grandparents is not "everyone who happens to share a few genes". I have a close and large family and will have to invite maybe 5-7 people I barely see (and then SOs) out of obligation. Is it worth it not to have family members I AM close with be upset with me? to me, yes.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    ernursejernursej member
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    katsandtatts said:
    I'm sure this question has been asked and answered hundreds of times before but in my digging I couldn't find a thread about it. 

    We are having a small wedding that will just be family and close friends. In our world small is about 90 people because both my fiance and I have such big families!

    We will be inviting the significant others of those of our friends and family members that are in relationships, however I am not comfortable giving plus ones to our single friends. This is because we want our wedding to be intimate and not full of random people we don't really know that are friends just brought because the invitation said they could, but moreso because we really can't afford to feed and host all these extra people.

    For the most part, our friends seem to understand this. My fiance is not very close with his family (we have been dating for six years and there are some family members of his that I have never met or only met once or twice) and he just wants to invite them out of premise. He doesn't want to invite them because he wants them there, he's doing it to avoid family wars. I'm okay with this I guess, it's his decision. However, some of his cousins have girlfriends that they have been with for under a year at this time. Cousins that have either never or barely ever met; girlfriends who I definitely have never met and whose names I don't even know. Also, not that it necessarily matters, but these cousins are around high school age...

    What does proper etiquette dictate in this situation? Better yet, what is your real life experience and opinion on it? Should we be extending plus ones/ invites to these people?
    FI and I were dating for about 8 months when a friend of mine got married. My FI wasn't invited as we hadn't been dating for at least a year. Fast forward 7 years and we are the only couple that is still together. Even the bride and groom have divorced. Time does not equal a relationship. I'm glad to read that you are thinking your guest list numbers will go up to properly host significant others.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    katsandtatts said:
    @SaintPaulGal and @aurianna I totally agree!! However @holyguacamole79 hits the nail on the head; his parents and grandparents would be very upset (and his parents are contributing some money toward the wedding; certainly not enough to cover all these extra cousins and their SOs as well as the few friends they want invited, but I digress...).

    @Photokitty we talked about that but we are both very close with the most of the cousins on my side of the family and feel it would be wrong to "pick and choose" which cousins we want there
    I think you can get away with inviting the cousins on Your side and not hits cousins, assuming you don't invite any of his cousins on that side. IMO you can even invite cousins on his mom's side and not on his dad's side. It just is dicey if you start picking and choosing within the same circle of cousins.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    Report Reply
  • Options
    kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    katsandtatts said:
    We are having a small wedding that will just be family and close friends. In our world small is about 90 people because both my fiance and I have such big families!

    We will be inviting the significant others of those of our friends and family members that are in relationships, however I am not comfortable giving plus ones to our single friends. This is because we want our wedding to be intimate and not full of random people we don't really know that are friends just brought because the invitation said they could, but moreso because we really can't afford to feed and host all these extra people.

    How many extra people can this really be?  

    You should budget assuming a plus one for everyone so if someone does enter into a relationship before your invitations go out, you're still covered under your budget.  But regardless, your wedding won't be "full of people you don't know."  It will be full of the people you know and the people they choose to share their (current) life with.  I can't think of a better way to celebrate nuptials.
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Pinksatin91016Pinksatin91016 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I don't know if your friends are all close to each other but a plus one is nice for when the friend doesn't know anyone else besides you even if they aren't dating someone. You know you can't actually hang out with the bride and groom, so if they only really know you and everyone else is your families and other friends (who are in couples) it can be VERY lonely and depressing to experience this at a wedding. Trust me. But if they know other friends it's less of a big deal.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    madamerwinmadamerwin member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Obviously you need to budget for 100% attendance, but I will say this: If your FI is not close to these cousins, there is a good chance many will decline anyway.

    I invited all of my cousins and their SOs (if applicable) to our wedding, even though I am not particularly close to most of them. But after my sister did not invite cousins to her wedding, and there was some grumbling among aunts and uncles (but not the cousins themselves, go figure), she really wished she had just invited everyone.

    Of my nine cousins, only three attended, and none of these three had SOs. Incidentally, the three that did attend are the ones I see the most; the rest I only see every few years, each time for a grandparent's funeral. Some of my cousins live in Europe and I genuinely wonder if I will ever see them in person again, given the lack of older generations tying us together and the physical distance between us (unless H and I go to Europe, in which case I'll be hitting them up in London and Brno). I am glad I extended the invites, but not in the least bit surprised that most of them declined.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    katsandtattskatsandtatts member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    @photokitty That would work in theory because I am close with all cousins on my mom's side but not so much on my dad's side. As for my fiance's family though, I have never even met his cousins on his mom's side but she is insisting they be invited because they are her only family (which is true), but on his dad's side we are close with some cousins but not with the other ones. :neutral: 

    @kimmiinthemitten If we give plus ones to cousins with SOs then we feel we should be giving plus ones to all our single friends and family members, which adds possibly 15 people I believe

    @Pinksatin91016 All the single friends that are coming know each other well and are all mutual friends so they aren't concerned about being alone all night :)

    @madamerwin I may be horrible, but that is kind of what I'm thinking/ hoping will happen; only those who we a truly close with will come 
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    katsandtatts said:
    @photokitty That would work in theory because I am close with all cousins on my mom's side but not so much on my dad's side. As for my fiance's family though, I have never even met his cousins on his mom's side but she is insisting they be invited because they are her only family (which is true), but on his dad's side we are close with some cousins but not with the other ones. :neutral: 

    @kimmiinthemitten If we give plus ones to cousins with SOs then we feel we should be giving plus ones to all our single friends and family members, which adds possibly 15 people I believe

    @Pinksatin91016 All the single friends that are coming know each other well and are all mutual friends so they aren't concerned about being alone all night :)

    @madamerwin I may be horrible, but that is kind of what I'm thinking/ hoping will happen; only those who we a truly close with will come 
    To the bolded, you don't have to give plus ones to your single friends. You do have to invite the SOs of all invited guests. You also need to do that by name not by saying plus one.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    InLoveInQueensInLoveInQueens member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2016
    katsandtatts said:
    @photokitty That would work in theory because I am close with all cousins on my mom's side but not so much on my dad's side. As for my fiance's family though, I have never even met his cousins on his mom's side but she is insisting they be invited because they are her only family (which is true), but on his dad's side we are close with some cousins but not with the other ones. :neutral: 

    @kimmiinthemitten If we give plus ones to cousins with SOs then we feel we should be giving plus ones to all our single friends and family members, which adds possibly 15 people I believe

    @Pinksatin91016 All the single friends that are coming know each other well and are all mutual friends so they aren't concerned about being alone all night :)

    @madamerwin I may be horrible, but that is kind of what I'm thinking/ hoping will happen; only those who we a truly close with will come 
    You seem to be getting some things confused.  A plus one is when you invite a single someone "and guest" and they can bring their mom or their neighbor or their dog walker. You aren't giving plus ones to anyone with a SO, you're inviting "cousin and SO". You don't have to invite "friend and guest" just because you're being a good host and inviting everyone wiht their SOs.

    You inviting people with their SOs won't confuse any single guests, since why wouldn't you invite cousin Sheila's boyfriend? They're in a relationship, they're not a guest.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Knottie1456058884Knottie1456058884 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    I would say that find a rule and stick to it.  If your budget allows for a smaller wedding and you don't want a bunch of people you don't know, then just make that the rule across the board.

    My fiancé and I are not doing plus ones.  We are only inviting significant others and if people are in high school they are either not invited or just invited with their parents if it is a cousin.  On those invites it will be addressed to Uncle Jim, Aunt Rose and Family.  
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards