Why was I last to know?

mrsconn23 · June 2016

Dear Prudence,
Recently my daughter canceled her birthday dinner without explanation. We found out later it was because she institutionalized for depression and suicidal ideation, which she has openly battled for the past year. I finally talked to my daughter, and she said she was raped and asked that I not ask any questions about what happened. We discussed therapy and treatment options for her trauma and existing depression. When I told my partner, her first question was, “Did you ask her why she told everyone else and not you?” This started a huge fight that I’m not sure will end well, but I know I’m not in the right frame of mind to think rationally. Am I wrong in thinking my partner was insensitive, or is my partner right in that she’s looking out for me: “Why were you the last to know ... but the first to be asked to make it better?”

—Am I Angry With the Wrong Person?

banana468 · June 2016

Maybe the parent wasn't told because the partner is a judgemental bitch that gaslights.

VarunaTT · June 2016

I'm a little confused. Just b/c the daughter openly battled the depression and SI, doesn't mean she told everyone the cause. And "openly battled" for a year doesn't sound like "first asked to make it better."

And partner sounds....insensitive at a minimum.

This is all just "off" sounding.

OurWildKingdom · June 2016

I can't believe LW's partner asked that question. So insensitive.

I can identify with the daughter wanting to protect the parent (I'm guessing that that was the daughter's reasoning). My maternal uncle took his own life in 2007, and my Mom is still angry about it -- with him for leaving his terminally ill wife, elderly mother, and the rest of his family behind and with herself for not seeing it coming. I've struggled with depression from my preteen years and have had suicidal ideation at various points in my life. You bet I'd want to keep that information from my parents unless absolutely necessary -- not because I don't love and trust them, but because I do, very much. I couldn't put my mother through that again.

CaitFins · June 2016

OurWildKingdom said:

I can't believe LW's partner asked that question. So insensitive.

I can identify with the daughter wanting to protect the parent (I'm guessing that that was the daughter's reasoning). My maternal uncle took his own life in 2007, and my Mom is still angry about it -- with him for leaving his terminally ill wife, elderly mother, and the rest of his family behind and with herself for not seeing it coming. I've struggled with depression from my preteen years and have had suicidal ideation at various points in my life. You bet I'd want to keep that information from my parents unless absolutely necessary -- not because I don't love and trust them, but because I do, very much. I couldn't put my mother through that again.

I concur. With everything my mother went through with my depression and suicidal behavior in my adolescence, and with her just being my mother, she's the most likely to be hurt by hearing of these things cropping up again. I'll keep working on my emotional problems myself when I have them and lean on my support system, like my FH. I don't think she'll ever be able to deal with news of it rationally and calmly, and there's not more that she can do for me - I'm an adult. Telling her just seems cruel. In this sort of case, a mother's love can also be her weakness.

It doesn't seem like she's the first to be asked to make it better, either.

Why was I last to know?

Re: Why was I last to know?

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