Just Engaged and Proposals
bridetobe26-2
member
Any other young brides out there?
bridetobe26-2
member
Hey guys,
We got engaged in January and have three years left in undergrad. When we get married, I will be 21 and he will be 22 with a semester left. The initial response to the engagement from my mother was not good at all. She still wants me to be her baby and I understand that, but it really hurt not having her full support. Over the past six months, she has gotten a lot better and more supportive, but I still don't feel comfortable discussing wedding planning around her or other family members. I don't feel like anyone around us thinks our engagement is legitimate. Our close friends are thrilled, but family... it's taking them a while to warm up to the idea.
We have been together for over five years, so it was no surprise to them that it was happening, just that it was happening "so soon" and "so young." I have been a mother figure to my brother because my mom was and still is single, and I had to help out. I am currently paying for all of my college and living expenses on my own. People have said some of the rudest things months before we got engaged. "When you go off to college, you're going to find someone you like more." "Don't set your heart on this one because you may find someone better." Excuse me? I didn't realize that was how relationships worked.
He was a pallbearer at my grandfather's funeral. I went and stayed with him and his grandparents multiple times when my father and brother got into physical fights and scared the hell out of me. A good eight months (total) of our relationship was spent long distance. He lived in Germany during the summers to see his mother and step father (who was in the Air Force and has since retired and moved back to the states). We now have an apartment together and are enjoying our internships and college experiences, together. I couldn't be happier. When someone asks when we are planning on getting married and a family member is around, they freeze up and say "let's not talk about that just yet." On one hand I am thinking "who cares, our opinions are the only ones that matter" and have gained a lot more self confidence over the past year, but on the other a part of me wants to feel like my family is excited for me. It is putting a wrench in our planning because I want them to be a part of it, but they aren't willing to be serious. I shouldn't have to feel silly or fake when someone refers to me as a bride, which is what I am.
Is that too much to ask?
We got engaged in January and have three years left in undergrad. When we get married, I will be 21 and he will be 22 with a semester left. The initial response to the engagement from my mother was not good at all. She still wants me to be her baby and I understand that, but it really hurt not having her full support. Over the past six months, she has gotten a lot better and more supportive, but I still don't feel comfortable discussing wedding planning around her or other family members. I don't feel like anyone around us thinks our engagement is legitimate. Our close friends are thrilled, but family... it's taking them a while to warm up to the idea.
We have been together for over five years, so it was no surprise to them that it was happening, just that it was happening "so soon" and "so young." I have been a mother figure to my brother because my mom was and still is single, and I had to help out. I am currently paying for all of my college and living expenses on my own. People have said some of the rudest things months before we got engaged. "When you go off to college, you're going to find someone you like more." "Don't set your heart on this one because you may find someone better." Excuse me? I didn't realize that was how relationships worked.
He was a pallbearer at my grandfather's funeral. I went and stayed with him and his grandparents multiple times when my father and brother got into physical fights and scared the hell out of me. A good eight months (total) of our relationship was spent long distance. He lived in Germany during the summers to see his mother and step father (who was in the Air Force and has since retired and moved back to the states). We now have an apartment together and are enjoying our internships and college experiences, together. I couldn't be happier. When someone asks when we are planning on getting married and a family member is around, they freeze up and say "let's not talk about that just yet." On one hand I am thinking "who cares, our opinions are the only ones that matter" and have gained a lot more self confidence over the past year, but on the other a part of me wants to feel like my family is excited for me. It is putting a wrench in our planning because I want them to be a part of it, but they aren't willing to be serious. I shouldn't have to feel silly or fake when someone refers to me as a bride, which is what I am.
Is that too much to ask?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Any other young brides out there?
They have a right to their feelings too, especially given the statistics about the success or lack thereof for young couples. If being young is their only complaint, then keep your head held high and carry on. If they have other complaints, listen and address accordingly. Surely they only want what's best for you.
And hang out here. No one will ever be as excited for your wedding as you are, so talk weddings all day long on these boards!
Age and length of time together does not indicate a good marriage or the potential for one. In saying that, sometime people change a lot in their late teens/twenties but growing together is just as likely as growing apart.
I think you need to be prepared to deal with comments, but that doesn't mean you need to be sidetracked by them. I would answer with something like "we are young but have been lucky/blessed/fortunate to have found each other earlier than others find their mate". Only you and your FI can gauge how your relationship is and when is the right time to get married. As long as you are the legal age where you are going to get married, you are free to do as you please.
Surround yourself with people that support you and be tactful when dealing with those that have concerns. Usually concerns are well intentioned but poorly delivered.
As PPs have mentioned, no one will ever be as excited as you are about your wedding, but feel free to gush on these boards as you will find a group of people that love weddings.
It works for some people, not for others. You have to know yourselves, and be comfortable that you communicate and support each other enough to grow together, certainly. But that's a call for you and your FI to make, not for your family to try to make for you.
Good luck!
Don't feel fake or silly for being referred to as a bride - you are one. Others will either come around or they won't. Don't let them get you down either way.
-Happy story- FI's cousins started dating around 16/17 I think and twenty years later are happily in love, own a house, run a successful business together and have three beautiful children!
I agree with PP, but with one caveat. You say you don't feel comfortable discussing the wedding or plans in front of your family. Have you tried having a sit down (even if it's the second or third) and addressing it? Tell your parents you know they're hesitant to support your wedding because of your age, and while you appreciate their concern and their support that you are an adult who is capable of making your own life decisions. If you haven't had the adult conversations that come with marriage, you can't complain that you aren't being treated like one.
Good luck with your planning and stick around!
My aunt and uncle got married in their early 20's like you and your fiance, they are the best example of a happy marriage that I know of. They understand each other, support each other, love each other. They are perfect together. Age means nothing.
@kimmiinthemitten My mother and I have had multiple discussions the past 6 months about her warming up to the idea. Each one has been better than the last and is usually filled with some tears, but I still can't help feeling that she's completely ready to "let me go" even though I've been on my own for a while now. Our relationship will only get better with the years. Just because I want to promise my life to the man I love doesn't mean my relationship with my mother will suffer. I guess now it's on her end to realize that.
"BrideToBe26 said: So you have have three-ish years left before you get married? No one cares about a wedding that far away! i wouldn't even start to seriously plan things that far away! Unless you need to know exactly how much money you'll need to save over the next three years... Get a ballpark figure and start saving.
Get a pinterest board or hang out here for another year and a half before you start talking to people about actual wedding plans.
(if your wedding is much closer than 3 years, disregard this!)
My sister is your age, and got engaged this past October, and I'm 25 and got engaged in January, so I've seen both sides of the coin.
You are an adult, and it sounds like you've taken on a lot of responsibilities already that a lot of women your age have yet to do. But I would have an open and honest discussion with your family about your intentions (2 years is a long time, you're definitely not rushing). Maybe they have other thoughts that they haven't expressed to you? If it's simply age, then I would explain (not justify, because it's your life! You don't need permission!) why you two feel you're ready, and leave the ball in their court. Then I agree with PP to just quietly plan yourself and see how they feel a bit closer to the date. Growing up isn't just hard for us, it's hard for our parents too. As long as they know you're happy, I'm sure they will be too