Moms and Maids

Unenthused bridesmaid

My wedding is at the end of August. I am starting to really question one of my bridesmaids. She is the only one complaining about buying her dress, to the point I offered to just buy her dress for her (its only $100). The only messages she responds to are about her hair and her dress and how her family needs to be invited and they are all bringing plus ones - even though we clearly told people no plus ones unless we have spoke to you because we have a very very limited budget.

I am an extremely easy going bride, the only messages I send to my girls are about being excited about things coming in the mail - like my headpiece, my daughters flower girl dress, etc. I am not asking anything of these girls other than to buy their dresses and show up for the rehearsal and wedding. I am just feeling really used and let down by her. She literally changes the subject every time I try to talk about the wedding at all and she never responds to any of my emails/messages/texts about the wedding. 

Am I being oversensitive about her lack of caring? Or should I talk to her and tell her I don't think its a good idea for her to be in it anymore since she clearly has no interest or care about this important day for me and my family. I am really really bad with confrontation.

Re: Unenthused bridesmaid

  • edited June 2016
    I guess I want to add to this...I see her frequently and I do not only talk about wedding stuff. All conversations with her are always diverted to her problems. No talk of even just other things going on in my life or how my daughter is doing. This is to the point that my fiance and a few of our mutual friends have even made comments to me about how she treating me.

    I am also just really taken a back by her thought that it is ok for her to just invite her entire family. I know them, but not super well, and definitely not well enough that they would come over some of our friends that we weren't able to invite. 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I guess I want to add to this...I see her frequently and I do not only talk about wedding stuff. All conversations with her are always diverted to her problems. No talk of even just other things going on in my life or how my daughter is doing. This is to the point that my fiance and a few of our mutual friends have even made comments to me about how she treating me.

    I am also just really taken a back by her thought that it is ok for her to just invite her entire family. I know them, but not super well, and definitely not well enough that they would come over some of our friends that we weren't able to invite. 


    You wrote this while I was responding to your OP.

    Friendships change.  People change.  Honestly, I would keep a low profile in your friendship with her until after the wedding.  See if she changes things.  Then either have a talk with her about it or just let the friendship fizzle out.

    OR, end the friendship now.  That automatically removes her from the BP.  "Friend, I just feel like we have grown apart and are moving in different directions.  While I have enjoyed our friendship over the years, I just feel like we are very different people now.  I wish you nothing but the best in the future."

    Lastly, people try to invite other people to weddings all the time.  I wouldn't read too much into her rude behavior.  Because it is rude for her to try and get her entire family invited to your wedding.

    SP29MesmrEwe
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes, it sounds like you are being oversensitive. No one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. 

    What do you mean by she's asking to invite her entire family? Are we talking parents and siblings??

    InLoveInQueens
  • So  I am high maintenance because I sent a few messages when things arrived that I am excited about? I literally have asked nothing from this girl. I even offered to buy her dress (which I stated in the original post)...which they were allowed to pick on their own and she just happens to have her eyes set on one that is $100 (each girl picked a different dress). She could pick a $20 dress for all I care. But she is expecting me to pay for her hair, her nails, and her freaking dress. All while not even caring about anything else in the wedding?

    And yes, she meant her ENTIRE family. Her mom and her bf, her dad and his gf, and her sister and her bf (who is only 17). I told her we couldnt even invite all of our families and she still flew off the rails on me when i told her they couldnt come.
    Knottie1452098987
  • Just saw this, I had already responded to your first response. Don;t know how I missed this one.

    I feel like maybe if I just talk to her and say something like "look, clearly you have a lot going on right now, maybe it would be best to just attend and not be in it and it would alleviate pressure and responsibility from your back?" And maybe also just kind of say that paying for all her stuff is just going to be kind of too much for me (which it is...my fiance's hours were cut recently), it might not go terribly? I definitely want to take a step back with my friendship with her because of her attitude lately...but I don't want to completely end the friendship because I am hoping its just a phase. =[
  • So  I am high maintenance because I sent a few messages when things arrived that I am excited about? I literally have asked nothing from this girl. I even offered to buy her dress (which I stated in the original post)...which they were allowed to pick on their own and she just happens to have her eyes set on one that is $100 (each girl picked a different dress). She could pick a $20 dress for all I care. But she is expecting me to pay for her hair, her nails, and her freaking dress. All while not even caring about anything else in the wedding?

    And yes, she meant her ENTIRE family. Her mom and her bf, her dad and his gf, and her sister and her bf (who is only 17). I told her we couldnt even invite all of our families and she still flew off the rails on me when i told her they couldnt come.


    I don't think you should kick her out of the bridal party unless you're okay with not being friends again. 

    That said... Definitely put your foot down about this shenanigans of her thinking her entire family is more important than YOUR guest list. 
    Knottie1452098987SP29MesmrEwe
  • kvrunskvruns member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    So  I am high maintenance because I sent a few messages when things arrived that I am excited about? I literally have asked nothing from this girl. I even offered to buy her dress (which I stated in the original post)...which they were allowed to pick on their own and she just happens to have her eyes set on one that is $100 (each girl picked a different dress). She could pick a $20 dress for all I care. But she is expecting me to pay for her hair, her nails, and her freaking dress. All while not even caring about anything else in the wedding?

    And yes, she meant her ENTIRE family. Her mom and her bf, her dad and his gf, and her sister and her bf (who is only 17). I told her we couldnt even invite all of our families and she still flew off the rails on me when i told her they couldnt come.


    You don't have to let her invite her entire family. Your wedding, you choose the guest list unless she is somehow paying for your wedding which I'm going to say no she is not.

    Let the rest roll off. She knows when the wedding is and what kind of dress to get. She either gets it or she doesn't, don't stress out about it, she's an adult.

    For the record the only wedding talk I initiated with my BMs was saying "would you like us all to shop together for dresses" and then saying "if you want hair/makeup we can do this place at this time".  That's it. I didn't tell them when I got my belt or shoes or that my niece got her flower girl dress. I'm sure they would have ohhh and ahhed but I figured they probably don't really care (I know I don't when I'm a BM) so no need to talk about it all the time.

    InLoveInQueensOliveOilsMommadamerwinPaperTigersx
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So  I am high maintenance because I sent a few messages when things arrived that I am excited about? I literally have asked nothing from this girl. I even offered to buy her dress (which I stated in the original post)...which they were allowed to pick on their own and she just happens to have her eyes set on one that is $100 (each girl picked a different dress). She could pick a $20 dress for all I care. But she is expecting me to pay for her hair, her nails, and her freaking dress. All while not even caring about anything else in the wedding?

    And yes, she meant her ENTIRE family. Her mom and her bf, her dad and his gf, and her sister and her bf (who is only 17). I told her we couldnt even invite all of our families and she still flew off the rails on me when i told her they couldnt come.
    It's not that you're high maintenance, it's that no one cares about the stuff you're texting about unless they're you. Other people are responding because they feel like you want them to say something. She's not, because she doesn't care, and in these cases she really doesn't have to.

    She seems like she's being self-centered in general, but your examples of what she should have been "bride-centered" about (i.e. the texts) are a little silly, that's all. 

    Knottie1445267856 said:
    Just saw this, I had already responded to your first response. Don;t know how I missed this one.

    I feel like maybe if I just talk to her and say something like "look, clearly you have a lot going on right now, maybe it would be best to just attend and not be in it and it would alleviate pressure and responsibility from your back?" And maybe also just kind of say that paying for all her stuff is just going to be kind of too much for me (which it is...my fiance's hours were cut recently), it might not go terribly? I definitely want to take a step back with my friendship with her because of her attitude lately...but I don't want to completely end the friendship because I am hoping its just a phase. =[
    Nope. She'll take it poorly. She won't see it as being stress-relieving or helpful, just as an insult. Don't go there unless you're willing for the friendship to end.
    OliveOilsMomlevioosaSP29madamerwin
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    As for the expenses, just tell her no.  It's not a four letter word.  "I'm sorry friend, I'm unable to pay for your hair and nails. You are more than welcome to do your own hair & makeup.  I'm not requiring anything to be professionally done, so don't worry about that."  (Side note - if you are requiring professional hair and nails, then you DO need to pay for it.  If its optional, its optional).  Same with the dress, you offered and she declined having you pay for it.  So just drop it.  If she doesn't buy any dress from your parameters, then she does get to attend as just a guest.
    @OliveOilsMom Yes. This, very much. The couple only pays for BM/GM hair, makeup, and nails (and shoes, jewelry, shawls, bouquets, etc) if you're requiring them [or requiring specific versions of them, as in the case of shoes].


    k thnx bye

  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Do not kick her out or suggest she step down- that is a friendship ending move.

    The only requirement is that she shows up on the day of, in the agreed upon attire. Since you let her pick her dress, leave it up to her to get it. If she doesn't have something to wear the day of, then she's removed herself from the WP and you won't be the bad guy.

    As for her inviting her family, I would put a hard stop this. "I am sorry Friend, but we are unable to accommodate additional guests. The invitation is only for you and Frank (whoever her SO is)."

    As for hair, make up and nails, you let her know that you do not require it to be professional done, she can do her own, so you will not be paying for any of it.

    As for the rest, take your wedding out of the equation. I do agree that while little wedding updates are exciting to you, they probably aren't to her, and if she has something going on in her life, they may seem boastful. Is she normally like this, or is it new? If she is usually like this, a wedding won't change it (and probably only makes it worse). If this is new, I would talk to her as a friend and see if anything is going on.

    Otherwise, if she brings up any issues about the wedding, I would re-iterate, "As my friend, I only care that you show up the day of in a dress you are comfortable in."
    OurWildKingdom
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited June 2016
    So  I am high maintenance because I sent a few messages when things arrived that I am excited about? I literally have asked nothing from this girl. I even offered to buy her dress (which I stated in the original post)...which they were allowed to pick on their own and she just happens to have her eyes set on one that is $100 (each girl picked a different dress). She could pick a $20 dress for all I care. But she is expecting me to pay for her hair, her nails, and her freaking dress. All while not even caring about anything else in the wedding?

    And yes, she meant her ENTIRE family. Her mom and her bf, her dad and his gf, and her sister and her bf (who is only 17). I told her we couldnt even invite all of our families and she still flew off the rails on me when i told her they couldnt come.
    That's ridiculous. Bridesmaids don't get a guest list for the wedding. You must tell her, firmly, that you will not be inviting her family to your wedding. If she starts to throw a hissy fit, walk out or hang up. Don't change your mind. If BM has a significant other, that person should be invited to the wedding. One person, that's it. 

    Tell your friend that professional hair, makeup, nails are optional and you aren't paying for those services. She may do her own if she wishes. Again, any hissy fits and you leave the discussion.

    Telling your friend that she seems overwhelmed by the wedding and asking her if she'd like to step down is the exact same thing as kicking her out. There is no nice way to do this. Dumping a BM is a friendship ending move. Try to remember why you asked her to be in your wedding party. She must have a few redeeming qualities. 

    Stop sending her texts about the wedding, unless there's something she needs to know - time and date of the wedding, for instance. Very basic information. Share your wedding talk with the friends who are interested in that sort of thing.
                       
    levioosaSP29
  • Short version - stop with the wedding talk around her..  Reiterate that you've got a very limited guest list (only her +1)...  Remind that professional hair, makeup, and nails are optional and you're not picking up the tab...  And remember to send her an invitation when you get them ready to go...  If she doesn't purchase her dress she'll write herself out of the WP..
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    SP29MairePoppy
  • Yeah, I can understand how upsetting that would be to you.  Perhaps she is jealous or this is hard for her to see you happy?
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