Moms and Maids

FMIL talking trash about me behind my back

There are a lot of issues going on with my FMIL.  One of the many is that she talks crap about me behind my back--about my age difference (compared to my FI), my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers.  It's upsetting because I'd like to not have anything to do with her, but no matter what she will have somewhat of a "presence" because she is my FI's mother.  Have you ever had any situations like this?  How have you handled this?  What do you recommend I do--confront her or not stoop to her level?  
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Re: FMIL talking trash about me behind my back

  • I should also note that she is incredibly manipulative
  • What does your FI say/do? He needs to have your back and tell his mother that that won't be tolerated. 
  • There are a lot of issues going on with my FMIL.  One of the many is that she talks crap about me behind my back--about my age difference (compared to my FI), my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers.  It's upsetting because I'd like to not have anything to do with her, but no matter what she will have somewhat of a "presence" because she is my FI's mother.  Have you ever had any situations like this?  How have you handled this?  What do you recommend I do--confront her or not stoop to her level?  
    How do you know this is happening? Who is telling you? What does your fiance say about it?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • AddieCake said:
    There are a lot of issues going on with my FMIL.  One of the many is that she talks crap about me behind my back--about my age difference (compared to my FI), my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers.  It's upsetting because I'd like to not have anything to do with her, but no matter what she will have somewhat of a "presence" because she is my FI's mother.  Have you ever had any situations like this?  How have you handled this?  What do you recommend I do--confront her or not stoop to her level?  
    How do you know this is happening? Who is telling you? What does your fiance say about it?
    I hear about it from my fiancé. He tells her to stop but she keeps doing it. He does love her a lot and looks up to her regardless of her behavior.  I sometimes think about calling it off, but then again I love him and I want a big wedding. 
  • I have a question: is she talking "crap about you behind your back", or is she talking to your fiance about concerns she has about his relationship. Those are two very different things. I'm not saying that her complaints are fair or warranted...but voicing concern about an age difference or the fact that she feels criticized isn't exactly "talking crap", and should be approached differently by your FI.


  • AddieCake said:
    AddieCake said:
    There are a lot of issues going on with my FMIL.  One of the many is that she talks crap about me behind my back--about my age difference (compared to my FI), my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers.  It's upsetting because I'd like to not have anything to do with her, but no matter what she will have somewhat of a "presence" because she is my FI's mother.  Have you ever had any situations like this?  How have you handled this?  What do you recommend I do--confront her or not stoop to her level?  
    How do you know this is happening? Who is telling you? What does your fiance say about it?
    I hear about it from my fiancé. He tells her to stop but she keeps doing it. He does love her a lot and looks up to her regardless of her behavior.  I sometimes think about calling it off, but then again I love him and I want a big wedding. 
    Not sure what wanting a big wedding has to do with it. Are you saying you'll just marry anyone so you can have a wedding, even someone who doesn't have your back?

    Ideally, he should tell his mother he won't be spending time with her if she continues. If not, I would tell him you'll have nothing to do with her. He's free to see her whenever, but you won't be attending family gatherings involving her if she is going to continue to badmouth you. 

    Frankly, I question why your fiance tells you what she says about you. 
    He tells me because it upsets him. I also hear about it from his cousins. 
    It's not concerns coming from her. It's actual criticism and shit talk about me. 
  • AddieCake said:
    AddieCake said:
    There are a lot of issues going on with my FMIL.  One of the many is that she talks crap about me behind my back--about my age difference (compared to my FI), my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers.  It's upsetting because I'd like to not have anything to do with her, but no matter what she will have somewhat of a "presence" because she is my FI's mother.  Have you ever had any situations like this?  How have you handled this?  What do you recommend I do--confront her or not stoop to her level?  
    How do you know this is happening? Who is telling you? What does your fiance say about it?
    I hear about it from my fiancé. He tells her to stop but she keeps doing it. He does love her a lot and looks up to her regardless of her behavior.  I sometimes think about calling it off, but then again I love him and I want a big wedding. 
    Not sure what wanting a big wedding has to do with it. Are you saying you'll just marry anyone so you can have a wedding, even someone who doesn't have your back?

    Ideally, he should tell his mother he won't be spending time with her if she continues. If not, I would tell him you'll have nothing to do with her. He's free to see her whenever, but you won't be attending family gatherings involving her if she is going to continue to badmouth you. 

    Frankly, I question why your fiance tells you what she says about you. 
    He tells me because it upsets him. I also hear about it from his cousins. 
    It's not concerns coming from her. It's actual criticism and shit talk about me. 
    What is she actually saying? The things you described in your OP don't come across that way.


  • She's saying that I'm a horrible person for taking care of a sick family member instead of spending time with her precious son. She says that she thinks I'm hair leading her son along and I have no intention of being with him. With is absolutely not true!
  • She's saying that I'm a horrible person for taking care of a sick family member instead of spending time with her precious son. She says that she thinks I'm hair leading her son along and I have no intention of being with him. With is absolutely not true!
    Yep, that's not fair. He should tell her that her comments aren't appreciated, and that if she continues to say things like that about his future wife, he will stop spending time with her.


  • Agree with PPs: if she's voicing concerns to him, it's just conflict you'll have to get through, but it's normal and healthy. 

    If she says this stuff in front of him often, and he tells her to stop but offers no consequence if she doesn't, that may be a problem down the road. You shouldn't be dealing with this alone; your fiancé should be working with you and his family to make it better. 
  • She's saying that I'm a horrible person for taking care of a sick family member instead of spending time with her precious son. She says that she thinks I'm hair leading her son along and I have no intention of being with him. With is absolutely not true!
    Yep, that's not fair. He should tell her that her comments aren't appreciated, and that if she continues to say things like that about his future wife, he will stop spending time with her.
    Thank you. I feel like crying about all this. He has said it to her but he doesn't have the balls to actually carry it through. I get it--it'd be so difficult to cut your own mother off. 
  • AddieCake said:
    AddieCake said:
    There are a lot of issues going on with my FMIL.  One of the many is that she talks crap about me behind my back--about my age difference (compared to my FI), my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers.  It's upsetting because I'd like to not have anything to do with her, but no matter what she will have somewhat of a "presence" because she is my FI's mother.  Have you ever had any situations like this?  How have you handled this?  What do you recommend I do--confront her or not stoop to her level?  
    How do you know this is happening? Who is telling you? What does your fiance say about it?
    I hear about it from my fiancé. He tells her to stop but she keeps doing it. He does love her a lot and looks up to her regardless of her behavior.  I sometimes think about calling it off, but then again I love him and I want a big wedding. 
    Not sure what wanting a big wedding has to do with it. Are you saying you'll just marry anyone so you can have a wedding, even someone who doesn't have your back?

    Ideally, he should tell his mother he won't be spending time with her if she continues. If not, I would tell him you'll have nothing to do with her. He's free to see her whenever, but you won't be attending family gatherings involving her if she is going to continue to badmouth you. 

    Frankly, I question why your fiance tells you what she says about you. 
    He tells me because it upsets him. I also hear about it from his cousins. 
    It's not concerns coming from her. It's actual criticism and shit talk about me. 
    It upsets him, but not enough to actually stand up to mummy about this? These things are terrible things to say about the woman he is marrying, his being scared of her (which you said previously). If it were me I would not be interested in spending time at her home if this were to continue.
                 
  • AddieCake said:
    AddieCake said:
    There are a lot of issues going on with my FMIL.  One of the many is that she talks crap about me behind my back--about my age difference (compared to my FI), my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers.  It's upsetting because I'd like to not have anything to do with her, but no matter what she will have somewhat of a "presence" because she is my FI's mother.  Have you ever had any situations like this?  How have you handled this?  What do you recommend I do--confront her or not stoop to her level?  
    How do you know this is happening? Who is telling you? What does your fiance say about it?
    I hear about it from my fiancé. He tells her to stop but she keeps doing it. He does love her a lot and looks up to her regardless of her behavior.  I sometimes think about calling it off, but then again I love him and I want a big wedding. 
    Not sure what wanting a big wedding has to do with it. Are you saying you'll just marry anyone so you can have a wedding, even someone who doesn't have your back?

    Ideally, he should tell his mother he won't be spending time with her if she continues. If not, I would tell him you'll have nothing to do with her. He's free to see her whenever, but you won't be attending family gatherings involving her if she is going to continue to badmouth you. 

    Frankly, I question why your fiance tells you what she says about you. 
    He tells me because it upsets him. I also hear about it from his cousins. 
    It's not concerns coming from her. It's actual criticism and shit talk about me. 
    It upsets him, but not enough to actually stand up to mummy about this? These things are terrible things to say about the woman he is marrying, his being scared of her (which you said previously). If it were me I would not be interested in spending time at her home if this were to continue.
    We don't spend time with her. It's all over the phone. 
  • AddieCake said:
    AddieCake said:
    There are a lot of issues going on with my FMIL.  One of the many is that she talks crap about me behind my back--about my age difference (compared to my FI), my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers.  It's upsetting because I'd like to not have anything to do with her, but no matter what she will have somewhat of a "presence" because she is my FI's mother.  Have you ever had any situations like this?  How have you handled this?  What do you recommend I do--confront her or not stoop to her level?  
    How do you know this is happening? Who is telling you? What does your fiance say about it?
    I hear about it from my fiancé. He tells her to stop but she keeps doing it. He does love her a lot and looks up to her regardless of her behavior.  I sometimes think about calling it off, but then again I love him and I want a big wedding. 
    Not sure what wanting a big wedding has to do with it. Are you saying you'll just marry anyone so you can have a wedding, even someone who doesn't have your back?

    Ideally, he should tell his mother he won't be spending time with her if she continues. If not, I would tell him you'll have nothing to do with her. He's free to see her whenever, but you won't be attending family gatherings involving her if she is going to continue to badmouth you. 

    Frankly, I question why your fiance tells you what she says about you. 
    He tells me because it upsets him. I also hear about it from his cousins. 
    It's not concerns coming from her. It's actual criticism and shit talk about me. 
    It upsets him, but not enough to actually stand up to mummy about this? These things are terrible things to say about the woman he is marrying, his being scared of her (which you said previously). If it were me I would not be interested in spending time at her home if this were to continue.
    We don't spend time with her. It's all over the phone. 
    Well that may be part of the issue. Have him tell it to her face to face and he needs to have the balls to follow through on it, too. 
    image
  • redoryx said:
    AddieCake said:
    AddieCake said:
    There are a lot of issues going on with my FMIL.  One of the many is that she talks crap about me behind my back--about my age difference (compared to my FI), my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers.  It's upsetting because I'd like to not have anything to do with her, but no matter what she will have somewhat of a "presence" because she is my FI's mother.  Have you ever had any situations like this?  How have you handled this?  What do you recommend I do--confront her or not stoop to her level?  
    How do you know this is happening? Who is telling you? What does your fiance say about it?
    I hear about it from my fiancé. He tells her to stop but she keeps doing it. He does love her a lot and looks up to her regardless of her behavior.  I sometimes think about calling it off, but then again I love him and I want a big wedding. 
    Not sure what wanting a big wedding has to do with it. Are you saying you'll just marry anyone so you can have a wedding, even someone who doesn't have your back?

    Ideally, he should tell his mother he won't be spending time with her if she continues. If not, I would tell him you'll have nothing to do with her. He's free to see her whenever, but you won't be attending family gatherings involving her if she is going to continue to badmouth you. 

    Frankly, I question why your fiance tells you what she says about you. 
    He tells me because it upsets him. I also hear about it from his cousins. 
    It's not concerns coming from her. It's actual criticism and shit talk about me. 
    It upsets him, but not enough to actually stand up to mummy about this? These things are terrible things to say about the woman he is marrying, his being scared of her (which you said previously). If it were me I would not be interested in spending time at her home if this were to continue.
    We don't spend time with her. It's all over the phone. 
    Well that may be part of the issue. Have him tell it to her face to face and he needs to have the balls to follow through on it, too. 
    That would be an expensive flight!!
  • It doesn't matter if it's in person or not, it matters that she is saying this shit. FI needs to deal with this, and if he does not then you know that the man you are choosing to spend your life with doesn't have your back. 
                 
  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2016
    It sounds to me like some apron strings need to be cut. At a certain point, she needs to understand that you are important to him, and loving him in a health adult way means being kind to you. What she's doing sounds more manipulative and controlling than loving. 

    I'm suggesting a lot of serious conversations lately, but this one may need to happen between them. "Mom, I'm an adult and I'm choosing to share my life with Knottie#s. I hope that you would respect and love me to be kind to her and not talk about her badly to the family, but if you continue to do this, it's going to be difficult for us to have you as a big part of our life."

    edit: it may help not to do this in a reactionary way, after witnessing it, but in a proactive way, where he sets up a time to talk face to face, even if it's over Skype. 
  • It sounds to me like some apron strings need to be cut. At a certain point, she needs to understand that you are important to him, and loving him in a health adult way means being kind to you. What she's doing sounds more manipulative and controlling than loving. 

    I'm suggesting a lot of serious conversations lately, but this one may need to happen between them. "Mom, I'm an adult and I'm choosing to share my life with Knottie#s. I hope that you would respect and love me to be kind to her and not talk about her badly to the family, but if you continue to do this, it's going to be difficult for us to have you as a big part of our life."

    edit: it may help not to do this in a reactionary way, after witnessing it, but in a proactive way, where he sets up a time to talk face to face, even if it's over Skype. 
    This is awesome!  Thank you!  I'm so scared that I need to call the wedding off. 
  • AddieCake said:
    There are a lot of issues going on with my FMIL.  One of the many is that she talks crap about me behind my back--about my age difference (compared to my FI), my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers.  It's upsetting because I'd like to not have anything to do with her, but no matter what she will have somewhat of a "presence" because she is my FI's mother.  Have you ever had any situations like this?  How have you handled this?  What do you recommend I do--confront her or not stoop to her level?  
    How do you know this is happening? Who is telling you? What does your fiance say about it?
    I hear about it from my fiancé. He tells her to stop but she keeps doing it. He does love her a lot and looks up to her regardless of her behavior.  I sometimes think about calling it off, but then again I love him and I want a big wedding. 
    Reference the bolded:  herein lies your problem.  This woman can talk crap about his future wife til the cows come home and all he does is say "stop it mom"  If you guys have kids I hope that isn't how he parents.

    You don't have FMIL problem, you have have and FI problem.  If there are no consequences for her manipulative and abusive behavior she will never change (and she still may never change).  Your FI needs to grow a pair and put a stop to this.  If she won't, he needs to cut her off.  If HE won't  you need to get out of dodge and put a stop to this marriage (not wedding, marriage).  
  • kmmssg said:
    AddieCake said:
    There are a lot of issues going on with my FMIL.  One of the many is that she talks crap about me behind my back--about my age difference (compared to my FI), my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers.  It's upsetting because I'd like to not have anything to do with her, but no matter what she will have somewhat of a "presence" because she is my FI's mother.  Have you ever had any situations like this?  How have you handled this?  What do you recommend I do--confront her or not stoop to her level?  
    How do you know this is happening? Who is telling you? What does your fiance say about it?
    I hear about it from my fiancé. He tells her to stop but she keeps doing it. He does love her a lot and looks up to her regardless of her behavior.  I sometimes think about calling it off, but then again I love him and I want a big wedding. 
    Reference the bolded:  herein lies your problem.  This woman can talk crap about his future wife til the cows come home and all he does is say "stop it mom"  If you guys have kids I hope that isn't how he parents.

    You don't have FMIL problem, you have have and FI problem.  If there are no consequences for her manipulative and abusive behavior she will never change (and she still may never change).  Your FI needs to grow a pair and put a stop to this.  If she won't, he needs to cut her off.  If HE won't  you need to get out of dodge and put a stop to this marriage (not wedding, marriage).  
    So what do I do???
  • kmmssg said:
    AddieCake said:
    There are a lot of issues going on with my FMIL.  One of the many is that she talks crap about me behind my back--about my age difference (compared to my FI), my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers.  It's upsetting because I'd like to not have anything to do with her, but no matter what she will have somewhat of a "presence" because she is my FI's mother.  Have you ever had any situations like this?  How have you handled this?  What do you recommend I do--confront her or not stoop to her level?  
    How do you know this is happening? Who is telling you? What does your fiance say about it?
    I hear about it from my fiancé. He tells her to stop but she keeps doing it. He does love her a lot and looks up to her regardless of her behavior.  I sometimes think about calling it off, but then again I love him and I want a big wedding. 
    Reference the bolded:  herein lies your problem.  This woman can talk crap about his future wife til the cows come home and all he does is say "stop it mom"  If you guys have kids I hope that isn't how he parents.

    You don't have FMIL problem, you have have and FI problem.  If there are no consequences for her manipulative and abusive behavior she will never change (and she still may never change).  Your FI needs to grow a pair and put a stop to this.  If she won't, he needs to cut her off.  If HE won't  you need to get out of dodge and put a stop to this marriage (not wedding, marriage).  
    So what do I do???
    You talk to your fiance.
    I did!  He was awesome and so supportive!  He then spoke to his mother
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Glad to hear OP.

    You (or FI I should say) may have to rinse and repeat. But this WILL be good for both of you.

    P.S. Change your username to something more unique so we know who you are and stick around!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited June 2016
    Tell your FI that rather than talking to you about the things his mother says about you outside your presence, you need him to tell his mother to cease and desist making any comments about you of a negative nature, and if she has anything to tell you or say about you, she is to tell you directly and not comment behind your back, on pain of whatever consequences are appropriate.
  • Jen4948 said:
    Tell your FI that rather than talking to you about the things his mother says about you outside your presence, you need him to tell his mother to cease and desist making any comments about you of a negative nature, and if she has anything to tell you or say about you, she is to tell you directly and not comment behind your back, on pain of whatever consequences are appropriate.
    I just told him!!!!  :)))) Yay!!!!
  • Is she telling him she thinks you're a gold digger?
  • Jen4948 said:
    Tell your FI that rather than talking to you about the things his mother says about you outside your presence, you need him to tell his mother to cease and desist making any comments about you of a negative nature, and if she has anything to tell you or say about you, she is to tell you directly and not comment behind your back, on pain of whatever consequences are appropriate.
    He did.  We shall see how long it will last.  
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