Moms and Maids

FMIL getting too involved

My FMIL is really excited about the wedding, which I think is amazing! But I'm struggling because she gets too involved with everything in my opinion and can be kind of rude about it. At the minute we haven't even confirmed our venue yet so just want to keep our ideas ideas but she takes it too far and doesn't listen to what I'm saying, she feels like she's helping which I do understand but shes just causing us more stress.
For example we mentioned that we liked the idea of wooden slabs for the center pieces to sit on, so without a word to us she spoke to everyone at her work about it, found a place where we can get some, came home and told her husband to take me to the place the next day without ever including me or my fiance in this conversation. She's also been telling me that I need to change the wedding date and send out save the dates two years in advance ( when I explain that we want that date for a reason and at the earliest save the dates will be just over a year she argues it until I say no then goes quiet but brings up the same conversation a few days later) Ive also told her things about the venue like where we would have reception drinks and that I could stay there the night before etc and then later she'll contact the venue and ask them the same questions even though I've already told her and frankly it has nothing to do with her.
Does anyone have any suggestions how to just convince her to calm down a little bit? I love it when we talk about the wedding and I love hearing her ideas but I do want to keep them ideas until I physically ask for her help. Me and my fiance talked to her but she basically just refused it and has been really awkward around me and will ignore me when I mention something about the wedding now. The last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings but this is upsetting us as we do want her involvement in the planning but just a bit dialled down haha 
Any advice will be appreciated, thank you!
KnotRiley

Re: FMIL getting too involved

  • My FMIL gets overexcited too. FH and I stopped giving her details and said we want our guests, including her, to be surprised at all wonderful things we have planned for our wedding and that we just want her to enjoy the day, not stress over details. That's what the coordinator is for. 

    It is nice when my FMIL wants to be included, but she isn't contributing any money, so she gets no say. 
    CraftyG
  • CraftyGCraftyG member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2016
    That's one of the things were waiting to hear back from our venue as to whether we can do the date we want next summer but she thinks that we should change it to two years away because her daughters friend sent out her save the dates two years in advance so she thinks we need to do that. Sorry I didn't really explain that!

    Thank you unfortunately I've already tried giving her one thing to focus on by saying that we might do Bunting so she could be in charge of that which she got very excited about but now continues to bring up the wedding every time I see her and won't change the subject as she wants to know every detail about it so 'the Bunting looks right'.  I'm reall grateful but that backfired a little bit haha

    Also I have read through this board and I am in the same position as others on this thread as my mum is completely disinterested in the wedding ( while being excited about my brothers) and my sister hasn't talked to me in around 3 months because of this. Right now my FMIL is what I want advice about as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings 
  • lnixon8lnixon8 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper

    weird box..

    You answered yourself, shes ignoring the wedding talk.


  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Is FMIL paying for any aspect of the wedding? If so, she gets input, and you may wish to reconsider accepting her money so that you and your FI can plan the wedding you want.

    If she is not paying for anything, and if you and/or your FI's name are going to be on the contract for things such as venue, DJ, photographer, etc, I would inform these vendors that only direction is to be taken from you or your FI. Thus, even if FMIL calls the venue to ask about things, she can't make changes without you OKing it first.

    You should always consider your VIP's input on the wedding date. But other than that, I would stop talking wedding with FMIL until you have booked a venue for sure. Keep the ideas between you and your FI for now.

    I think it is a good idea to give her some areas of control that you care less about and you know she would enjoy doing, but I would not give her this until it is actually necessary to do it. If you haven't booked a venue yet, she doesn't need to be worried about bunting.

    If she is constantly bringing up ideas to you, something you can say is, "Thanks for the idea, we'll think about it", or "Thanks for the idea, but we haven't even thought about that part yet".

    If you wish to keep including her, some things you may just have to suck up. For example, her getting your FFIL to drive you to the store to see the wood planks- she's clearly excited. So you either don't tell her about these things, or you go along with it. Just because you went to the store to look at them doesn't mean you have to buy them. You could say "Thanks for the idea FMIL. The wood planks looked really nice, but we aren't decided yet. When we're ready I'll contact the store/ I'll let you know".
    OurWildKingdom
  • CraftyGCraftyG member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    No the dates not bad for her she just thinks you need to send out std 2 years in advance and doesn't really listen when I explain that they don't need to go out that far in advance as it will be really only family and close friends so they'll all know anyway.

    I completely understand what you're saying! It's just the fact that we explained to her that we love hearing her ideas but want it to stay ideas for now which she seemed a bit hurt about but okay with it, then when we were all in the room together and my FSIL asked me whether I liked an idea ( as she scrolled past a Bridesmaids dress on Facebook) and I simply said like oh yeah that looks really pretty I like the idea of pastel! And she physically stood up and walked out of the room. So obviously she didn't take it as well as we thought and this really upset my fiance as he thought it was rude as it made everyone uncomfortable. 

    It's a bit of a confusing situation and I'm trying to keep people getting hurt feelings to a minimum haha 
  • CraftyGCraftyG member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Sorry no she hasn't contributed anything and me and my fiance conversations have always been that we want to split everything as much down the middle as we can. There was a passing comment that she'd like to give us the deposit for the venue as a wedding gift but we're unsure if we're going to accept or not. 

    Thank you I appreciate all the advice! 
  • Sorry no she hasn't contributed anything and me and my fiance conversations have always been that we want to split everything as much down the middle as we can. There was a passing comment that she'd like to give us the deposit for the venue as a wedding gift but we're unsure if we're going to accept or not. 

    Thank you I appreciate all the advice! 
    By split down the middle I assume you mean split between you and your fiance (vs split between families and such)?

    People have to offer the money, and you need to have it in your hand before you can rely on having it for the wedding.
    Until she's given you the check, assume that you won't be getting money from her and plan the wedding you and your fiance can afford.

    If she gives you a check later, bonus!!
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That's one of the things were waiting to hear back from our venue as to whether we can do the date we want next summer but she thinks that we should change it to two years away because her daughters friend sent out her save the dates two years in advance so she thinks we need to do that. Sorry I didn't really explain that!

    Thank you unfortunately I've already tried giving her one thing to focus on by saying that we might do Bunting so she could be in charge of that which she got very excited about but now continues to bring up the wedding every time I see her and won't change the subject as she wants to know every detail about it so 'the Bunting looks right'.  I'm reall grateful but that backfired a little bit haha

    Also I have read through this board and I am in the same position as others on this thread as my mum is completely disinterested in the wedding ( while being excited about my brothers) and my sister hasn't talked to me in around 3 months because of this. Right now my FMIL is what I want advice about as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings 
    No the dates not bad for her she just thinks you need to send out std 2 years in advance and doesn't really listen when I explain that they don't need to go out that far in advance as it will be really only family and close friends so they'll all know anyway.

    I completely understand what you're saying! It's just the fact that we explained to her that we love hearing her ideas but want it to stay ideas for now which she seemed a bit hurt about but okay with it, then when we were all in the room together and my FSIL asked me whether I liked an idea ( as she scrolled past a Bridesmaids dress on Facebook) and I simply said like oh yeah that looks really pretty I like the idea of pastel! And she physically stood up and walked out of the room. So obviously she didn't take it as well as we thought and this really upset my fiance as he thought it was rude as it made everyone uncomfortable. 

    It's a bit of a confusing situation and I'm trying to keep people getting hurt feelings to a minimum haha 

    Sorry no she hasn't contributed anything and me and my fiance conversations have always been that we want to split everything as much down the middle as we can. There was a passing comment that she'd like to give us the deposit for the venue as a wedding gift but we're unsure if we're going to accept or not. 

    Thank you I appreciate all the advice! 


    First, use the quote button, not the reply.  The reply button does not work like it should, so we don't know who you are replying to. 

    It just seems like FMIL will be a fine line to walk during the wedding planning process.  It is great that your FMIL wants to be involved when your mom does not.  You will at least have someone to bounce ideas off of, etc.

    You just need to find the balance of having discussions with FMIL, but not having her go overboard and buy ALL THE THINGS!

    It might be helpful for your FI to speak with FMIL privately.  He should explain that you are both happy that she is excited for the wedding, but that all you need now are ideas.  It is great she is taking steps to figure out the full process of having those ideas brought to fruition, but for right now its too much.  Maybe also introduce her to a wedding planning book or TK's planning tools (just be careful, they can be glitchy and you could lose important info - so back it up somewhere!).  That could help her figure out the correct timeline for wedding planning. 

    Is she into pinterest?  Perhaps you can make a private board for you two and maybe FSIL since she seems interested as well.  Then when you ask FMILs thoughts on x, she can just go crazy and pin lots of ideas.

  • CraftyGCraftyG member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper


    First, use the quote button, not the reply.  The reply button does not work like it should, so we don't know who you are replying to. 

    It just seems like FMIL will be a fine line to walk during the wedding planning process.  It is great that your FMIL wants to be involved when your mom does not.  You will at least have someone to bounce ideas off of, etc.

    You just need to find the balance of having discussions with FMIL, but not having her go overboard and buy ALL THE THINGS!

    It might be helpful for your FI to speak with FMIL privately.  He should explain that you are both happy that she is excited for the wedding, but that all you need now are ideas.  It is great she is taking steps to figure out the full process of having those ideas brought to fruition, but for right now its too much.  Maybe also introduce her to a wedding planning book or TK's planning tools (just be careful, they can be glitchy and you could lose important info - so back it up somewhere!).  That could help her figure out the correct timeline for wedding planning. 

    Is she into pinterest?  Perhaps you can make a private board for you two and maybe FSIL since she seems interested as well.  Then when you ask FMILs thoughts on x, she can just go crazy and pin lots of ideas.

    Sorry I've only just joined and this is the first thing that I've written so thank you for mentioning to quote! Thank you thats a really good idea about pinterest, all three of us are on it so it could be a really sweet idea to have just a board for us to bounce ideas off of each other and be a way of channelling her ideas about it! I've been thinking about getting FI to have a private chat with FMIL as well so that she understands that we love her input but would just like to keep it as that, thank you 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If she's not paying, then she doesn't get a say. I'd stop talking to her about the wedding unless and until you really want any input from her on any aspect of it.

    Maybe your FI needs to say to her, "Mom, while FI and I appreciate your interest, we'd prefer to wait until we have more things nailed down to discuss wedding plan specifics. Once we're ready to talk about them, FI and I will share with you what you need to know. But if we don't bring something up to you, please assume that we have the matter in question under control rather than just moving forward with it. When you do that, it actually makes things harder, not easier, for FI and me, and I'm sure that isn't what you're trying to do."
    CraftyGOurWildKingdom
  • CraftyGCraftyG member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    aurianna said: 
    By split down the middle I assume you mean split between you and your fiance (vs split between families and such)?

    People have to offer the money, and you need to have it in your hand before you can rely on having it for the wedding.
    Until she's given you the check, assume that you won't be getting money from her and plan the wedding you and your fiance can afford.

    If she gives you a check later, bonus!!
    Yeah me And FI have always had the view that we will save and pay for everything as equally as is possible and when we got engaged we sat down and discussed a budget that we can justify. So we have the money sorted for the wedding that we have in mind from the both of us, so any money given will be an incredibly appreciated gift but we aren't relying on it 
  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 Clare Island member
    Sixth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Just a thought: apart from wedding planning, does FMIL always go all out with ideas for things? Some people are fine with being "in process" mode for long periods of time. Others are way more focused on checking things off the list. I sometimes find that setting some parameters helps (especially in work settings).
    MairePoppy
  • CraftyGCraftyG member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Just a thought: apart from wedding planning, does FMIL always go all out with ideas for things? Some people are fine with being "in process" mode for long periods of time. Others are way more focused on checking things off the list. I sometimes find that setting some parameters helps (especially in work settings).


    I've never really paid attention as it's not really been directed at me before but she does tend to want to be involved with every aspect of her children's life ( which is very sweet) Like her daughter mentioned something about getting a new set of shelves a few weeks ago and the amount of conversations she's had with extended family and work friends about how they would do this and what type of wood will it be and how much will it cost is ridiculous. She was talking about it last night and I laughed it off saying like 'well they'll figure out what they need to do it doesn't matter that much'  I don't think she necessarily wants to tick boxes she just wants to know all the details which I understand but I'm more private and have the view that if it doesn't affect you you don't really need to know haha Thank you for your advice!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Just a thought: apart from wedding planning, does FMIL always go all out with ideas for things? Some people are fine with being "in process" mode for long periods of time. Others are way more focused on checking things off the list. I sometimes find that setting some parameters helps (especially in work settings).


    I've never really paid attention as it's not really been directed at me before but she does tend to want to be involved with every aspect of her children's life ( which is very sweet) intrusive Like her daughter mentioned something about getting a new set of shelves a few weeks ago and the amount of conversations she's had with extended family and work friends about how they would do this and what type of wood will it be and how much will it cost is ridiculous. She was talking about it last night and I laughed it off saying like 'well they'll figure out what they need to do it doesn't matter that much'  I don't think she necessarily wants to tick boxes she just wants to know all the details which I understand but I'm more private and have the view that if it doesn't affect you you don't really need to know haha Thank you for your advice!
    FTFY
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    @MesmrEwe I'm so glad you said skip the STDs! I, personally, find them silly. I know that's not a popular opinion and maybe it's only my opinion because I'm an older bride and the idea of STDs is relatively new. I'd rather put the money from STDs towards something else. 
    MesmrEweYogaSandy
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    @MesmrEwe I'm so glad you said skip the STDs! I, personally, find them silly. I know that's not a popular opinion and maybe it's only my opinion because I'm an older bride and the idea of STDs is relatively new. I'd rather put the money from STDs towards something else. 
  • cgra40cgra40 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10 Comments
    Hello, this is my first post and I am by no means an expert, but I just wanted to say that I really love the Pinterest idea. I was thinking something similar but in terms of a physical scrapbook of ideas. Just tell her that you and FI are of course going to be making any final decisions, but she has so many great ideas and you'd love for her to put them down somewhere for you to see and refer back to. Then you just pick what you want. Also telling any venues or caterers etc that only you or FI are making any final decisions sounds like a good idea. It doesn't seem like she means to overstep but it's just part of her personality and you don't want to risk anything. 

    Also be firm about your date. You said there's a reason for it, so stick to it. Maybe make a schedule for all things wedding month by month. This site as well as many others have them. Tell her the schedule is non negotiable, but that you'll need lots of help brainstorming ideas so the schedule is for her to know what you are focusing on at what time because you super want her help pinning things on Pinterest. That also helps so that she's not going crazy over bunting when she could be helping pick out STD cards. 

    I wish you luck. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited June 2016
    @MesmrEwe I'm so glad you said skip the STDs! I, personally, find them silly. I know that's not a popular opinion and maybe it's only my opinion because I'm an older bride and the idea of STDs is relatively new. I'd rather put the money from STDs towards something else. 
    There's nothing "silly" about save-the-dates when people, particularly VIPs, need more than the standard six to eight weeks of advance time to accept an invitation.  That's what save-the-dates are for - they let people know who need more than six to eight weeks of advance notice to make time-off and travel plans. For example, my job requires me to give a lot more advance time than six to eight weeks to take time off, especially if overnight travel is involved.

    And it's been my experience that word-of-mouth and casual emails do not work for this.
    JediElizabethcrowsgirl15
  • Perhaps not tell her anything regarding the plans?  That might be helpful so then she won't have any input to offer.
  • cgra40 said:
    Hello, this is my first post and I am by no means an expert, but I just wanted to say that I really love the Pinterest idea. I was thinking something similar but in terms of a physical scrapbook of ideas. Just tell her that you and FI are of course going to be making any final decisions, but she has so many great ideas and you'd love for her to put them down somewhere for you to see and refer back to. Then you just pick what you want. Also telling any venues or caterers etc that only you or FI are making any final decisions sounds like a good idea. It doesn't seem like she means to overstep but it's just part of her personality and you don't want to risk anything. 

    Also be firm about your date. You said there's a reason for it, so stick to it. Maybe make a schedule for all things wedding month by month. This site as well as many others have them. Tell her the schedule is non negotiable, but that you'll need lots of help brainstorming ideas so the schedule is for her to know what you are focusing on at what time because you super want her help pinning things on Pinterest. That also helps so that she's not going crazy over bunting when she could be helping pick out STD cards. 

    I wish you luck. 
    For me personally this was such a great piece of advice! It's exactly what we've done and it's helped our relationship so much! FMIL is the type of person to get overly involved (stepping over boundaries) and because now we share a board there's always a connection to the wedding and has actually lowered the conversations about it so me and FI can plan without justifying and constantly being asked but she still feels involved! 

    FSIL has just bought a house and is using the same idea with regards to decorating and she thinks it's helped wonders too!
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