FMIL talking trash about me behind my back

Re: FMIL talking trash about me behind my back

• themosthappy91 member

  

  June 2016

  Knottie1466018219 said:

  Jen4948 said:

  Tell your FI that rather than talking to you about the things his mother says about you outside your presence, you need him to tell his mother to cease and desist making any comments about you of a negative nature, and if she has anything to tell you or say about you, she is to tell you directly and not comment behind your back, on pain of whatever consequences are appropriate.

  He did.  We shall see how long it will last.  

  I think that's the problem here- you've said many things that indicate you don't believe/aren't sure your FI will ever have the ability to stand up to his mother, and I don't think it's the best idea to go ahead with a wedding in that frame of mind.
  
  I get it- I too had concerns about my FI cutting the apron strings with his own mother and father. I would talk to him about issues, he would agree with me and be very supportive in the context of our conversations, but he was not great at standing up to them in the moment when they would say something unacceptable. So I waited to get engaged until he proved he could actually do that- and we're super happily married now.
  
  It really is a FI problem and not a FMIL problem, like a previous poster said. As with most things in a relationship, assume no behavior is going to change until you see with your own eyes that it has changed.

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• Knottie1466018219 member

  

  June 2016

  themosthappy91 said:

  Knottie1466018219 said:

  Jen4948 said:

  Tell your FI that rather than talking to you about the things his mother says about you outside your presence, you need him to tell his mother to cease and desist making any comments about you of a negative nature, and if she has anything to tell you or say about you, she is to tell you directly and not comment behind your back, on pain of whatever consequences are appropriate.

  He did.  We shall see how long it will last.  

  I think that's the problem here- you've said many things that indicate you don't believe/aren't sure your FI will ever have the ability to stand up to his mother, and I don't think it's the best idea to go ahead with a wedding in that frame of mind.
  
  I get it- I too had concerns about my FI cutting the apron strings with his own mother and father. I would talk to him about issues, he would agree with me and be very supportive in the context of our conversations, but he was not great at standing up to them in the moment when they would say something unacceptable. So I waited to get engaged until he proved he could actually do that- and we're super happily married now.
  
  It really is a FI problem and not a FMIL problem, like a previous poster said. As with most things in a relationship, assume no behavior is going to change until you see with your own eyes that it has changed.

  I do see that now. You are right. Thank you. 

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• Jen4948 member

  

  June 2016

  Knottie1466018219 said:

  Jen4948 said:

  Tell your FI that rather than talking to you about the things his mother says about you outside your presence, you need him to tell his mother to cease and desist making any comments about you of a negative nature, and if she has anything to tell you or say about you, she is to tell you directly and not comment behind your back, on pain of whatever consequences are appropriate.

  He did.  We shall see how long it will last.  

  If it starts up again, then your FI needs to tell his mother again. This is called enforcing boundaries.  It has to be done continuously, not just once.

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