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Etiquette

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Re: .

  • Sorry, you lost me at charity donations being rude.  If that's rude to you then I'd be happy if you declined an invite to my wedding.  More room for others!

  • I didn't, I said their presence was our present, and I meant it.  If you are forcing yourself to give me a gift- that's on you. 
  • Asking for donations to charity in your name is asking for a gift (bad form), telling a person exactly what to give you (bad form), and sends a "holier than thou" vibe to your guests (bad form).

    You don't have to register, you don't tell anyone to give you anything, you graciously accept whatever gifts you are given with a timely thank you note, and you privately do with them whatever you wish. Gifts should be freely given and never expected. You are publicizing your expectation of gifts from your guests.
    HeffalumpOurWildKingdomei34pinupbride6189
  • What part of your presence is our present is confusing to you?  This means you don't need to get a gift.  Period.  This is most certainly NOT "publicizing your expectation of gifts from your guest"- as a matter of fact it is the opposite.  Literally, the opposite.  The charity is merely a suggestion, and never mentioned it had to be in my name. 

  • What part of your presence is our present is confusing to you?  This means you don't need to get a gift.  Period.  This is most certainly NOT "publicizing your expectation of gifts from your guest"- as a matter of fact it is the opposite.  Literally, the opposite.  The charity is merely a suggestion, and never mentioned it had to be in my name. 

    Uhhhhh...nobody needs to give a gift. That's why it's a gift, and not an entrance fee. You don't need to spell it out for people.
    SP29InLoveInQueenszitiqueen
  • "What we really want is all of our friends and family together for our big day, your presence is our present!  For the traditional gift-giver, a contribution to your favorite charity in our honor is a wonderful way to commemorate our special day"- this is not bossy.  Or rude.  I literally own a business that specializes in gifts and home interiors.  I'm fairly certain people know where to buy me gifts from if they want to.
    I thought I saw this. This is what you're actually putting out to your guests. (I'm inferring this from the quotes.) You're asking for a donation to be made in your honor. If someone asks what they can get you, you can tell them this. Just don't put it out there for all to see and you're good etiquette-wise.
    What part of your presence is our present is confusing to you?  This means you don't need to get a gift.  Period.  This is most certainly NOT "publicizing your expectation of gifts from your guest"- as a matter of fact it is the opposite.  Literally, the opposite.  The charity is merely a suggestion, and never mentioned it had to be in my name. 


    InLoveInQueensscrunchythiefmadamerwin
  • Our venue has a curtain that can be pulled across if we are a few tables short, or you could spread out the tables a bit more.  In terms of f&b costs at the moment we are looking at £1000-£1500 of extra cash generated by the declined rsvps.  I might order one of those flower arches and we will put the rest in savings.  

    Declines are part and parcel of holding an event, just look on the bright side.

    Charity donations are rude.  FI and I spend about £800 per year in regular donations to 6 different charities close to our heart.  This is our budget for charity, and we would be very offended if someone asked us to do something different or insinuated in any way that what we are doing is not sufficient or to the wrong causes.  For example I favour charities for children without parents, FI favours animal charities. Charity is a very personal thing!  

    If you don't register you will get mostly cash gifts, which of course you would be very free to give to the charity of your choice.  
    SP29OurWildKingdomthisismynickname2
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Not charity donations to us, to a charity of their choice.  If this is rude then I'm wasting my time here because that is ridiculous.
    And what if your guests don't choose to donate to a charity at all? 

    That's their decision to make, not yours. 

    What's rude here is you trying to co-opt their right to decide for someone else how to spend their money - while at the same time making clear that you're "planning" for them to decline your invitation because inviting other people matters to you more.

    You're wasting our time (and your guests') in calling it "ridiculous" that we're telling you it's rude and trying to defend rude behavior with more impropriety. We're not wasting your time telling you that it's to  just because you don't want to hear it.

    It's actually not relevant that you're inviting more guests than your venue can hold by asking for charity donations as gifts to yourself. Both actions are rude, and neither one justifies the other.

    There's nothing "ridiculous" about telling someone who publicly announces her intentions to be rude to other people that what she's planning to do is inappropriate and rude.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    What part of your presence is our present is confusing to you?  This means you don't need to get a gift.  Period.  This is most certainly NOT "publicizing your expectation of gifts from your guest"- as a matter of fact it is the opposite.  Literally, the opposite.  The charity is merely a suggestion, and never mentioned it had to be in my name. 

    If their presence is your present, then there's no reason for you to bring up charity donations at all.

    Not to mention that yes, it IS rude of you to tell anyone to donate to charity in your honor.

    What part of "it's rude because it's not up to you to decide whether anyone else should give to charity, or do anything else with their money for that matter, because you're not entitled to gifts of any kind for any reason," do you not understand?
    charlotte989875PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueensSP29
  • We aren't registered and are asking for charity donations instead of gifts.  No one in my life is a prop- why would anyone say that?  This entire thread makes me sad.  I want to have a wedding surrounded by people I love.  If some people can't come, I'd like to add more people I love, it's really quite simple. 

    Look, OP. If you had lurked on these boards AT ALL before posting, you would have known that B-Lists are extremely unpopular here because they are rude and very much go against etiquette. This is an etiquette board; if anything you post goes against etiquette, posters will call you out on it.

    Had you read some other posts on this board first, you may have known not to mention your B-List; it's not even relevant to your question, so you very easily could have omitted that detail. You didn't, though, so we're free to comment on it as we please.

    Also, it very much seems like there are a number of people on your A-List you were hoping would decline. Here's a novel idea: Don't invite them in the first place. No one is entitled to an invitation to your wedding, so if there are people you don't actually want to attend, don't patronize them by sending a pity/obligation invite.

    And to echo PPs, it sounds like you care more about filling seats than who attends. Your priorities are out of whack.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    SP29kimmiinthemitten
  • Looks like I'm a little late here- but having recently had my wedding I certainly have some advice.  I was in a similar situation and did in fact have a B list.  I did a lot of research on the subject and while it is seen as a taboo by some the reality is, a lot of people also think it is completely fine.  I truly never felt like I was being deliberately rude to my family and friends, but ya know, different people, different opinions, and I respect that.  Do what you think is right and be tasteful about how you approach it.  Honestly, we had great luck with it.  Lots of our rsvps came back very quickly and we were able to add without any trouble.  Ultimately we were both really happy we invited more people and the wedding was perfect. I completely understand the sentiment wanting to get as many of your loved ones there as possible, and if that is truly how you feel then go for it.  I mention this because everyone is adamantly against b lists (which again, I respect) but many brides have done the same, I wouldn't sweat it. Just give yourself some extra space for people who change their minds!  HOWEVER, what struck me about this thread is not the B list but the charity conversation. I also did this for my wedding.  I know 2 other couples who have done this for their wedding.  It never crossed my mind that it was rude, both as a bride and as an attendant.  If anything it contributed a certain warmness to our wedding.  For instance my nephew has cancer a many people donated to that cause.  It meant a lot to my family.  Also a friend of ours is from Nepal and raising money to rebuild towns destroyed by the earthquake and a lot of our friends donated to that cause.  Our friend from Nepal wasn't able to make it to the wedding but we recieved such an incredible letter from him thanking us for our help.  It made for some great conversations at the wedding, and I think it raised a lot of awareness for charities people may not have otherwise known about.  I suppose it may have offended people and we are just unaware, but given the incredibly positive affect it had I wouldn't hesitate to do it again.  I mean, take a look at the comments here, have a registry, don't have a registry...there are a million different people out there with a million different opinions and I think you should just do what is right for you.  Every couple is different, every wedding is different, and what works for someone else won't necessarily work for you.
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