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Shower invites for folks not at the wedding?

adwksadwks member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I was unsure where to put this so I apologize if I chose the wrong one. 

I'm having a very small wedding. There will be 13 guests, no wedding party, so 15 people in all if you count us. My future mother in-law is very excited to do a shower. She thinks we need one badly since we will be moving into our first place together after the wedding. But she seems to think that 13 people ( 8 if you think showers should just be ladies) is an unacceptable number of folks to invite. 

I'm of the opinion that you don't invite folks to the shower that aren't invited to the wedding and if she thinks that 8 people is too small we should just skip it all together.

MIL thinks that she should invite all the older ladies from my church ( they typically have a group of older ladies that get together and help new couples set up house, by getting a few things/coming over and helping put stuff in place/sharing recipes etc) to a shower but not the wedding. She says a shower just lets these ladies do what they were going to do anyway in one space instead of surprising me by showing up at my new house when we're trying to move in. 

I'm fine with the ladies doing their version of passing on marriage advice/supplies (this is what they refer to it as), but feel super awkward about pretty much asking them for stuff. Maybe they weren't planning on coming over and helping or sharing recipes, just because they have done it doesn't make it mandatory. I feel like inviting them to a shower makes it mandatory, and more about stuff than support (which is what I think they are trying to offer). Am I right to feel weird about this? 
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Re: Shower invites for folks not at the wedding?

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    ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I totally agree with PPs. Of course, if the church ladies want to come and help you set up your home (and this is their culture) go with it, but inviting them to the shower to "save" them or you the trouble of coming over isn't right. Your instincts are right.
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    JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Agree with PPs.  You're on the right track with your thinking.  It's one thing if the church tradition is to donate a day of work setting up your new home; it's another entirely to ask them to participate in a gift-giving prelude to an event from which they will be exclude.

    With your FI (I'm a big fan of family talking to family when things get sticky like this), I'd reiterate the two options to your FMIL - small shower or no shower - and let her know that you two have already decided that if/when the church ladies want to help at your new home, you're ready to welcome them and their marriage advice/casserole dishes.  FMIL might just need to hear that you're open to the church ladies participating in your new life (in the way they usually do), especially if you feels her child is owed because she's done the same for others before.  (Not saying that that's the case at all, just that sometimes it can influence people's actions or reactions, even subconsciously, because they feel they or their loved one is missing out.)
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    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    JaxInBlue said:
    Agree with PPs.  You're on the right track with your thinking.  It's one thing if the church tradition is to donate a day of work setting up your new home; it's another entirely to ask them to participate in a gift-giving prelude to an event from which they will be exclude.

    With your FI (I'm a big fan of family talking to family when things get sticky like this), I'd reiterate the two options to your FMIL - small shower or no shower - and let her know that you two have already decided that if/when the church ladies want to help at your new home, you're ready to welcome them and their marriage advice/casserole dishes.  FMIL might just need to hear that you're open to the church ladies participating in your new life (in the way they usually do), especially if you feels her child is owed because she's done the same for others before.  (Not saying that that's the case at all, just that sometimes it can influence people's actions or reactions, even subconsciously, because they feel they or their loved one is missing out.)
    I disagree.  I don't think it's appropriate to comment about any assumed traditions. 

    @adwks, as PP's have said, politely but firmly explain that your shower is small or not at all.  Make no apologies, disclaimers, or negotiations to try and appease your FMIL or the church community.  If/when this community chooses to surprise you with their traditional "welcome", you can gratefully and gracefully include them at that time.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Jumping on the "don't invite non-wedding guests to shower" bandwagon.

    You are correct that if these church ladies aren't invited to the wedding, then they should not be invited to the shower. If your FMIL won't accept that, then you need to decline her offer of hosting a shower, and your FI needs to have your back.
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    pegasuskatpegasuskat member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    At my church ( and others in my area) - we always give every couple a shower, I consider this the same as a work shower and are exceptions.  Most of the couples have a wedding with their family and friends, but everyone from the church attends the shower, they would actually be offended if it was turned down.  
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    pinupbride6189pinupbride6189 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    Jen4948 said:
    pegasuskat said:
    At my church ( and others in my area) - we always give every couple a shower, I consider this the same as a work shower and are exceptions.  Most of the couples have a wedding with their family and friends, but everyone from the church attends the shower, they would actually be offended if it was turned down.  
    But this doesn't work when the FMIL is the one hosting and when other persons are present. In that instance, it's not a "church shower."

    It could only be a "church shower" if all the guests are from this church group, and it doesn't sound like that's the case with this shower.
    I agree. It would be different if an unrelated church member volunteered and organized a church shower, much like a co-worker would. But it seems like FMIL here just wants a larger event and as such is assuming the 'services' of the church members.

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    KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    My guest list is all over the place- literally, so while we invited 35 to my shower, we truly only expected 8-9. We're at 10 currently! haha 

    I don't think that's too small, just a fun time for those who live close by to get together! Plus it's nice because a few women attending the shower won't be able to attend the wedding, so it's a nice time to get together!

    Heck, my MOH has another wedding out of town that weekend, and she's not coming! It's totally ok to have a small shower :)
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