Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Woes
Wedding Woes
New Discussion

Try not to have a rage-stroke reading this.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
My husband’s sister, who was adopted by his biological parents as an infant, has an intellectual disability that, among other challenges, causes poor judgement and behavioral problems. We are all in our 40s. She is a single mom with four children ages 3 to 22 who lives in deep poverty. We are middle-class professionals with demanding jobs and a young son. Her disability payments were recently cut off because an identity thief has been using her Social Security number. She has no other source of income. Her parents feel that they have done all they can for her and do not have the means in their retirement to support her or take her in. We have a modest emergency fund in a savings account. Should we use those funds to support her while we fight to get her disability benefits restored? Our parents advise that we shouldn’t jeopardize our own future for hers. Also, she is black and we are white. I mention that because I feel like our white, nondisabled privilege obligates us to support her, even if it seems like her circumstances are the result of her poor choices.

—Sister (In-Law)’s Keepers?

Report Reply to Post

Re: Try not to have a rage-stroke reading this.

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You can help her work with SS to get her benefits reinstated. You could meet with her and a social worker to see what other services are available to her. Depending on how severe her disability is can she work part time from home? 

    I have so many questions; is she able to take care of the children on her own? Where are the children's fathers? 
    Report Reply
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm also curious about the level of involvement of the 22 year old child.  At that age (while I hate this idea), you would think her child would also be involved in her care.
    �
    Report Reply
  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    VarunaTT said:
    I'm also curious about the level of involvement of the 22 year old child.  At that age (while I hate this idea), you would think her child would also be involved in her care.
    Yup. Where are all the other people in this woman's life. Clearly the parents have checked out, but still. 
    Report Reply
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    So SIL has an intellectual disability that affects her ability to always exercise sound judgement and now lives in poverty as a result of the poor judgement that is a result of said disability?

    And LW is wondering how much she is obligated to do as a result of her white privilege?  Wow.
    image
    Report Reply
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    What does the husband think about the situation/what does he want to do? Ultimately it's his sister and his parents, yet his POV is not mentioned at all. 

    The parents have had (presumably) 30-40 something years to come up with a plan for long term care for their disabled child. (It sounds like part of that should have been some sort of BC.) They consciously made a choice to not help her. It's sad. I don't think that the responsibility for continued care should fall to the siblings, but that he should be able to help to the extent where he /his family are comfortable. I also don't think it should fall to her kids - especially since they may share some of the disabilities and may not be fit to give her the care that she needs. 

    Report Reply
  • HereForThePartyGKHereForThePartyGK member
    Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    I honestly don't think "white privilage" obligates anyone towards anything.  If the husband and wife so choose to help financially in the situation, then absolutely help as little or as much as they can, but doing it out of obligation only opens it up for resentment towards the family member.  The color of anyone's epodermis shouldn't have any take in the matter. 
    Report Reply
  • scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    VarunaTT said:
    Removing all of the other things that are attached to this that are...disturbing, the issue seems to be this:

    I have a sibling who is disabled, suffers from consequences of that disability, and needs my help.  I have the means to help.  Should I help?

    I would help to the level I could.  I'd meet with the attorney and see what i could do to protect the funds I used to help support the sibling, since the likelihood of being paid back by said sibling is small.  I'd also start looking into the security net for people like my sibling:  there are programs out there where someone is in charge of finances, so things like a stolen social security number don't happen.  Quite frankly, I probably would've gotten sibling to a doctor and had a semi-permanent solution for birth control too.  

    The other issues LW has attached to this are just....disturbing and a whole lot of unpacking some baggage needs to be done.

    I'm hoping this wasn't intentional, but this sounds to me like you don't think this woman should have a choice about her reproduction.  We don't know the circumstances around her having children-for all we know they were planned and/or wanted.  I'm not saying that she shouldn't consider her ability to care for children, and I do think that plans to help her function should include discussion of family planning overall.  But this comes too close, in my opinion, to saying that people with intellectual disabilities shouldn't have children.  

    My bottom line is that if she's mentally competent enough to consent to sex at all, then she's also mentally competent enough to make her own reproductive choices.  
    Report Reply
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    This post made me wonder about that letter a while back where the disabled daughter had been sexually abused and was pregnant. I wonder what they ended up doing.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    Report Reply
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    scrunchythief said:
    VarunaTT said:
    Removing all of the other things that are attached to this that are...disturbing, the issue seems to be this:

    I have a sibling who is disabled, suffers from consequences of that disability, and needs my help.  I have the means to help.  Should I help?

    I would help to the level I could.  I'd meet with the attorney and see what i could do to protect the funds I used to help support the sibling, since the likelihood of being paid back by said sibling is small.  I'd also start looking into the security net for people like my sibling:  there are programs out there where someone is in charge of finances, so things like a stolen social security number don't happen.  Quite frankly, I probably would've gotten sibling to a doctor and had a semi-permanent solution for birth control too.  

    The other issues LW has attached to this are just....disturbing and a whole lot of unpacking some baggage needs to be done.

    I'm hoping this wasn't intentional, but this sounds to me like you don't think this woman should have a choice about her reproduction.  We don't know the circumstances around her having children-for all we know they were planned and/or wanted.  I'm not saying that she shouldn't consider her ability to care for children, and I do think that plans to help her function should include discussion of family planning overall.  But this comes too close, in my opinion, to saying that people with intellectual disabilities shouldn't have children.  

    My bottom line is that if she's mentally competent enough to consent to sex at all, then she's also mentally competent enough to make her own reproductive choices.  
    I don't think @VarunaTT is being unreasonable with that statement - it needs to be examined on a case-by-case basis - but if this person is unable to care for themselves, how in the world do you expect them to care for children? You can consent to sex without fully understanding the potential repercussions of your actions - plenty of people do that on a daily basis. 
    Report Reply
  • scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    *Barbie* said:
    scrunchythief said:
    VarunaTT said:
    Removing all of the other things that are attached to this that are...disturbing, the issue seems to be this:

    I have a sibling who is disabled, suffers from consequences of that disability, and needs my help.  I have the means to help.  Should I help?

    I would help to the level I could.  I'd meet with the attorney and see what i could do to protect the funds I used to help support the sibling, since the likelihood of being paid back by said sibling is small.  I'd also start looking into the security net for people like my sibling:  there are programs out there where someone is in charge of finances, so things like a stolen social security number don't happen.  Quite frankly, I probably would've gotten sibling to a doctor and had a semi-permanent solution for birth control too.  

    The other issues LW has attached to this are just....disturbing and a whole lot of unpacking some baggage needs to be done.

    I'm hoping this wasn't intentional, but this sounds to me like you don't think this woman should have a choice about her reproduction.  We don't know the circumstances around her having children-for all we know they were planned and/or wanted.  I'm not saying that she shouldn't consider her ability to care for children, and I do think that plans to help her function should include discussion of family planning overall.  But this comes too close, in my opinion, to saying that people with intellectual disabilities shouldn't have children.  

    My bottom line is that if she's mentally competent enough to consent to sex at all, then she's also mentally competent enough to make her own reproductive choices.  
    I don't think @VarunaTT is being unreasonable with that statement - it needs to be examined on a case-by-case basis - but if this person is unable to care for themselves, how in the world do you expect them to care for children? You can consent to sex without fully understanding the potential repercussions of your actions - plenty of people do that on a daily basis. 
    It does need to be examined on a case by case basis.  But we don't have near enough information provided in this case to make that judgement.  We don't know that she can't take care of herself, only that she receives disability payments.  We don't know that she can't take care of her children-if she couldn't then why hasn't CPS been called?

    And I think there's a big difference in making choices without fully understanding the consequences-which practically everyone has done at some point-and being incapable of fully understanding the consequences.  If it's the former, then she should be able to make her own decisions.  If it's the latter, then no, she isn't mentally competent enough to consent to sex.
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards