Help...kids at wedding...with a big twist

Knottie1464369406 · July 2016

my wedding planning was going perfectly until I heard today that one of only 2 groomsmen plans to bring his 7 year old child. I planned to have an adult only evening reception and have already told my mom no kids (she was asking for another guest). I said I wouldn't make an exception for some and not others. Groomsman is coming from out of town for a long weekend (Thursday - Sunday). I might be able to come to terms with making an exception for reception but....Here's the twist. I rented a huge 100+ year old beach house next door to venue for 3 nights and planned to have wedding party stay (sleeps 14 ppl). I'm in a panic that i will now be sharing this house with a 7 year old. This house was to host a night before dinner party for my fiance's b-day, morning of brunch while girls get ready and a small after party after wedding. i can't even believe they are okay having their child there, it's going to be the celebration house! Please offer your thoughts. thank you.

kaos16 · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

my wedding planning was going perfectly until I heard today that one of only 2 groomsmen plans to bring his 7 year old child. I planned to have an adult only evening reception and have already told my mom no kids (she was asking for another guest). I said I wouldn't make an exception for some and not others. Groomsman is coming from out of town for a long weekend (Thursday - Sunday). I might be able to come to terms with making an exception for reception but....Here's the twist. I rented a huge 100+ year old beach house next door to venue for 3 nights and planned to have wedding party stay (sleeps 14 ppl). I'm in a panic that i will now be sharing this house with a 7 year old. This house was to host a night before dinner party for my fiance's b-day, morning of brunch while girls get ready and a small after party after wedding. i can't even believe they are okay having their child there, it's going to be the celebration house! Please offer your thoughts. thank you.

Are you trying to require the wedding party to stay at this location? Are you making them pay for it? Perhaps the groomsman was planning to stay elsewhere with his child and partner (in one is coming with him). I think you need to set yourself up for the realization that if you tell this groomsman that his child isn't invited he might not attend, and you have to be adult enough to accept that. With that being said, he shouldn't assume his child is invited, but it may be difficult for him to leave the child for a long weekend like you have described.

Knottie1464369406 · July 2016

The wedding party can stay wherever they want but we (me and fiancé) are footing the bill for the entire house and food (well over $3000) My understanding was that everyone is and wanted to stay there but certainly not required. My concern is having a child in an adult atmosphere for 3 whole days. It's my wedding weekend...one big celebration with adult beverages. It might be worthwhile to note that I live in TX and am flying to MA for wedding (where most guests live). This weekend is basically serving as my honeymoon too. I've never met the child or wife and have only met groomsman once.

charlotte989875 · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

my wedding planning was going perfectly until I heard today that one of only 2 groomsmen plans to bring his 7 year old child. I planned to have an adult only evening reception and have already told my mom no kids (she was asking for another guest). I said I wouldn't make an exception for some and not others. Groomsman is coming from out of town for a long weekend (Thursday - Sunday). I might be able to come to terms with making an exception for reception but....Here's the twist. I rented a huge 100+ year old beach house next door to venue for 3 nights and planned to have wedding party stay (sleeps 14 ppl). I'm in a panic that i will now be sharing this house with a 7 year old. This house was to host a night before dinner party for my fiance's b-day, morning of brunch while girls get ready and a small after party after wedding. i can't even believe they are okay having their child there, it's going to be the celebration house! Please offer your thoughts. thank you.

You can have an adult only wedding, but be prepared that might mean some guests (even WP) members maybe be unable to attend, or only attend a short period of time. That's fine.

Its great that you've rented a place for the RD and after party that you're staying in. If you're offering it up for other people to stay they can take you up on it, or decline and stay elsewhere. You're also free to say no kids in the house, knowing that might make people with children stay elsewhere and not participate in all the activities. If you're trying to "require" people to stay then you may have to deal with having the child there as well. There's no way to tell the GM to stay there but to leave his kid somewhere else.

Since you didn't really pose a question and just asked for thoughts here they are: if the wedding is a destination it's hard for people with kids to either leave them home or find child care in a city they're unfamiliar with. It's perfectly acceptable to have an adult only wedding (I did) but you're going to have to come to be ok with the fact that some people you love have children and if the kids are not invited they have to make hard choices about what they can do and when. It's also fine to allow children of WP members and not others to attend.

ILoveBeachMusic · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

my wedding planning was going perfectly until I heard today that one of only 2 groomsmen plans to bring his 7 year old child. I planned to have an adult only evening reception and have already told my mom no kids (she was asking for another guest). I said I wouldn't make an exception for some and not others. Groomsman is coming from out of town for a long weekend (Thursday - Sunday). I might be able to come to terms with making an exception for reception but....Here's the twist. I rented a huge 100+ year old beach house next door to venue for 3 nights and planned to have wedding party stay (sleeps 14 ppl). I'm in a panic that i will now be sharing this house with a 7 year old. This house was to host a night before dinner party for my fiance's b-day, morning of brunch while girls get ready and a small after party after wedding. i can't even believe they are okay having their child there, it's going to be the celebration house! Please offer your thoughts. thank you.

Really, you are in a panic about sharing a house with a 7 year old! What do you think is going to happen? It is fine if you want to have a kid free wedding but don't judge the parent/s for being ok with a child being in a "celebration" house. The GM is traveling for a long weekend. It may not be convenient for him to leave the child at home. If you tell him that no kids are invited, he may step down from the WP. Since it seems from your later post that he is a friend of your FI, you need to talk this over with your FI before making any decisions. Like PP said it is fine to allow children of WP attend but no other children.

Knottie1464369406 · July 2016

Yes, really, I am in a panic about that. If he wants to make this a family vacation, I think it is most appropriate to find other accommodations that are more kid friendly. This is what I'll be suggesting to FI.

holyguacamole79 · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

The wedding party can stay wherever they want but we (me and fiancé) are footing the bill for the entire house and food (well over $3000) My understanding was that everyone is and wanted to stay there but certainly not required. My concern is having a child in an adult atmosphere for 3 whole days. It's my wedding weekend...one big celebration with adult beverages. It might be worthwhile to note that I live in TX and am flying to MA for wedding (where most guests live). This weekend is basically serving as my honeymoon too. I've never met the child or wife and have only met groomsman once.

A few questions:

1) What does your FI say?
2) You say you found this out ... how? Did the GM assume that he can bring his son/daughter?
3) Is GM coming with his wife?
4) What kind of "adult" activities do you think will be happening? A few people getting drunk? Any nudity? Orgy in the living room?
5) Has GM explicitly RSVPed to stay in the house with everyone?
6) You say that most guests live in MA; does this GM live there as well? Or is he traveling in?

I agree with the PPs. You have a few options as I see it:
1) Tell the GM that you cannot accommodate his son at your wedding & reception. GM may step out or may opt to stay somewhere else and attend only the wedding / reception.
2) Let the GM bring the kid and go with the flow.

holyguacamole79 · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

Yes, really, I am in a panic about that. If he wants to make this a family vacation, I think it is most appropriate to find other accommodations that are more kid friendly. This is what I'll be suggesting to FI.

Have you already extended the invite for GM to stay in this house?

Knottie1464369406 · July 2016

Yes, but I never could have imagined he'd bring a child! I know everyone has their own opinion but I think it's completely inappropriate. The wedding reception is one thing but not the accommodations that are really for adults. No orgies or anything (PP) but probably no place for a little kid to be running around or trying to sleep.

holyguacamole79 · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

Yes, but I never could have imagined he'd bring a child! I know everyone has their own opinion but I think it's completely inappropriate. The wedding reception is one thing but not the accommodations that are really for adults. No orgies or anything (PP) but probably no place for a little kid to be running around or trying to sleep.

Use 'quote', please, so we know to whom you are replying.

MobKaz · July 2016

You keep using the word "planned". You said you "planned" on having an adult only reception. You "planned" on having your wedding party stay at this beach house. At what point did you "plan" on letting your WP members aware of your "plans"?

If a member of my WP had children, I would tell them ASAP that I intended to have an adult wedding. This allows the WP member the opportunity to decide whether he can accept the role with the caveat. It sounds as if you rented this beach house prior to even asking who would have an interest staying with you.

It may be your wedding weekend, but your WP members are only obliged to participate in the ceremony and reception. To be honest, the few times we have had to travel for a wedding, you can believe we turned it into a family vacation to help justify the cost involved.

Knottie1464369406 · July 2016

Totally my bad. As they say assumption is the root of all f*** ups. I checked with enough people on my side to know it was worth renting. Many people in my family and others in WP have kids and I didnt have to tell them it's adults only. They just understand or would prefer it that way themselves! I guess I just know them intimately and from experience at other weddings. Didn't factor in that someone I hardly know would think differently. I will definitely put something about no kids on the wedding invite (didn't cross my mind it had to be on save the date also). This is my first wedding so not exactly a pro. My FI talked to him on his own to ask him to be a GM so I don't know what was said. I know today was FI's first time hearing GM's plan so believe GM just assumed as well. I kind of think he should have at least asked.....no?

holyguacamole79 · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

Totally my bad. As they say assumption is the root of all f*** ups. I checked with enough people on my side to know it was worth renting. Many people in my family and others in WP have kids and I didnt have to tell them it's adults only. They just understand or would prefer it that way themselves! I guess I just know them intimately and from experience at other weddings. Didn't factor in that someone I hardly know would think differently. I will definitely put something about no kids on the wedding invite (didn't cross my mind it had to be on save the date also). This is my first wedding so not exactly a pro. My FI talked to him on his own to ask him to be a GM so I don't know what was said. I know today was FI's first time hearing GM's plan so believe GM just assumed as well. I kind of think he should have at least asked.....no?

First off, do not put ANYTHING on your invitations about it being adults only. Simply address the invite to those who are invited. If they RSVP back saying that they are bringing their son / daughter, call the guest and politely say that you cannot accommodate their son / daughter.

I'm still curious ...... what did the GM say to your FI and what does your FI think about the whole thing?

Knottie1464369406 · July 2016

The save the dates were only addressed to the adults...that apparently didn't help in this case

MobKaz · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

Totally my bad. As they say assumption is the root of all f*** ups. I checked with enough people on my side to know it was worth renting. Many people in my family and others in WP have kids and I didnt have to tell them it's adults only. They just understand or would prefer it that way themselves! I guess I just know them intimately and from experience at other weddings. Didn't factor in that someone I hardly know would think differently. I will definitely put something about no kids on the wedding invite (didn't cross my mind it had to be on save the date also). This is my first wedding so not exactly a pro. My FI talked to him on his own to ask him to be a GM so I don't know what was said. I know today was FI's first time hearing GM's plan so believe GM just assumed as well. I kind of think he should have at least asked.....no?

That is a lot of assumptions, and all one sided. It's nice that you factored in your family, but looks as if you completely ignored your FI's side of the family and friends.

In my area, the majority of the weddings include children, especially if it is immediate family. There is also a HUGE difference between choosing to attend a wedding without children versus not allowing children to attend.

It would be rude of the GM to ask if someone is invited as it puts the couple on the spot. It is incumbent on the couple to make their plans clear to those intimately involved.

holyguacamole79 · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

The save the dates were only addressed to the adults...that apparently didn't help in this case

What does your FI have to say?

Knottie1464369406 · July 2016

i was the one who talked to GM (3rd time ever). He wanted to talk to me about traveling to Boston and then cape (where I'm from). I even went online while on phone and said I found 2 (TWO) tickets for $325 RT. At very end of call he mentioned it would be 3 of them. I was shocked, hung up and called FI who said he'd get in touch with him.

holyguacamole79 · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

i was the one who talked to GM (3rd time ever). He wanted to talk to me about traveling to Boston and then cape (where I'm from). I even went online while on phone and said I found 2 (TWO) tickets for $325 RT. At very end of call he mentioned it would be 3 of them. I was shocked, hung up and called FI who said he'd get in touch with him.

So it sounds like they'll be making a vacation out of the trip, which makes sense. Has he indicated that he wants to stay in the house?

Knottie1464369406 · July 2016

I didn't ignore his side. My FI didn't even think GM's wife would come. I didn't even know he had a kid. We live in TX. GM is an old Air Force buddy who we hardly see and lives in Alabama.

holyguacamole79 · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

I didn't ignore his side. My FI didn't even think GM's wife would come. I didn't even know he had a kid. We live in TX. GM is an old Air Force buddy who we hardly see and lives in Alabama.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/tg/pdqa650afrya.png

this is your friend.

MobKaz · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

I didn't ignore his side. My FI didn't even think GM's wife would come. I didn't even know he had a kid. We live in TX. GM is an old Air Force buddy who we hardly see and lives in Alabama.

Please understand. We can only respond to the information you offer. You did write, "I checked with enough people on my side to know it was worth renting. Many people in my family.....".

Again, this issue has all occurred because of assumptions. Why would your FI assume his GM would leave his wife at home?

Before this gets more out of hand, or the GM purchases tickets he cannot refund, you and your FI need to decide together whether you will allow children at your wedding. You also need to decide whether you are rescinding the offer to stay at the beach house if GM does bring his child. Your generosity with the beach house offer may be the only way this GM can afford to bring his family. He needs to have all the information ASAP.

charlotte989875 · July 2016

Ok there are a whole lot of assumptions going on here (like the fact that he wouldn't bring his wife, seriously why would you think that?!). Here's what I'd suggest...
1)Have your FI call him. Tell him he's welcome to stay in the house with his spouse, but that you aren't able to accommodate his child (if that's what you decide).
2) Suggest nearby hotels or rentals for them.
3) Decide if you want children at the wedding or not. Do not write this on the invitations. If people ask tell them invitations are for the name couple only.
4) Be prepared for the GM to decline being in the WP if his child is not invited. Again a child-free wedding is fine, but that often puts parents in a tough situation.

Yes it was wrong of him to assume he could bring the child, but in general it seems like there hasn't been a lot of straight forward communication. If there are stipulations on the invitation to stay in the house then you should be upfront about them.

banana468 · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

I didn't ignore his side. My FI didn't even think GM's wife would come. I didn't even know he had a kid. We live in TX. GM is an old Air Force buddy who we hardly see and lives in Alabama.

Sounds like your FI needs to do a better job of keeping in touch with close friends if he didn't know that this guy had a child SEVEN YEARS AGO.

At this point I'd tell the GM that the rental home us adults only and clarify the wedding.

levioosa · July 2016

OP, you are making things much harder on yourself than they need to be. Destination weddings are a lot of work for guests. You are well within your rights to have a kid free wedding and GM is well within his rights to make a family vacation out of a long trip. Do you even know if this GM is planning on staying in the house? Why isn't your FI communicating with the GM regarding the plans? Really, it seems like a lot of the stress is stemming from jumping the gun and making assumptions. FI needs to communicate first to find out what GM is thinking of doing. Then he can clarify as needed, "Oh, I'm sorry man, but we are actually having a kid free wedding, and we also are not having any children at the rental. We hope you will still be able to make it."

Knottie1464369406 · July 2016

I (me, only me) did not know he had a kid. Of course my FI knew.

ILoveBeachMusic · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

The save the dates were only addressed to the adults...that apparently didn't help in this case

Often STD are only addressed to the couple even if the invites are addressed to couple plus children. Since you haven't sent out invites yet and the GM was making travel plans, I don't think he was asking you to invite his kid. He assumed he was invited - a mistake yes, but rude no. You and FI should have been up front with him from the beginning that kids aren't invited. They are traveling from Alabama. I don't think it is unreasonable to use an OOT wedding as a vacation as they seem to be doing. If they are stationed in Alabama, they probably don't have family nearby to babysit for the kid. If I were him, I'd bow out of the wedding. Again, don't tell parents how to parent their kids by telling them it is inappropriate because of adult behavior for a kid to attend your wedding and reception. Just own the fact that you don't want kids there.

holyguacamole79 · July 2016

Knottie1464369406 said:

I (me, only me) did not know he had a kid. Of course my FI knew.

Okay, now you also have a communication issue with your FI. Talk to your FI, get on the same page, then let him communicate with toys GM.

themosthappy91 · July 2016

This is a pretty simple situation OP- you are completely within your rights to say to GM that a kid is not welcome at the wedding and/or the house, but you have to accept that may mean he won't make it to the wedding. If that's something you and your FI are cool with, go for it- if not, figure out a way to accommodate them.

If I were in your shoes I would probably make an exception for this guy's kid coming to the wedding- they are traveling from far away and he's in the wedding party- but I'd have your FI have a convo with him expressing your concerns about the house not being kid-friendly. They'll know best what their kid can handle, and as a former seven-year-old who spent a good amount of time around adult drinking and debauchery, I'd like to think I turned out fine and didn't impede anyone's good time. It's easy enough for the parents to keep the kiddo entertained in their room with an iPad or something during the birthday dinner or whatever.

geebee908 · July 2016

I'm bugged by the assumption that they wouldn't travel with their child especially if they're coming from Alabama. If he's still in the service, he could very well not be stationed near family that he could leave the child with for a very long weekend, and he may not know anyone he would trust to provide childcare in Massachusetts. If your FI wants him standing up with him, you may need to allow the child to come to the wedding. If he's okay with GM not being there, then you can stick to your guns on the adults-only wedding. As far as staying in the house, you can also say no to that but please suggest alternative accommodations.

MobKaz · July 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Knottie1464369406 said:

The save the dates were only addressed to the adults...that apparently didn't help in this case

Often STD are only addressed to the couple even if the invites are addressed to couple plus children. Since you haven't sent out invites yet and the GM was making travel plans, I don't think he was asking you to invite his kid. He assumed he was invited - a mistake yes, but rude no. You and FI should have been up front with him from the beginning that kids aren't invited. They are traveling from Alabama. I don't think it is unreasonable to use an OOT wedding as a vacation as they seem to be doing. If they are stationed in Alabama, they probably don't have family nearby to babysit for the kid. If I were him, I'd bow out of the wedding. Again, don't tell parents how to parent their kids by telling them it is inappropriate because of adult behavior for a kid to attend your wedding and reception. Just own the fact that you don't want kids there.

Making a long weekend vacation out of the wedding is especially reasonable if FI told his GM that lodging at the house and food were compliments of the bride and groom.

GlamQueenBride · July 2016

What's going to be going on at this house that you're so worked up about this one child being there? I mean, really, I would hope any "adult activities" would take place behind closed doors. As for drinking, your groomsman is an adult and can parent his own child without you butting in. I mean, are people going to be swinging from the chandeliers or something?

Help...kids at wedding...with a big twist

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