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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Knottie1464369406
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Help...kids at wedding...with a big twist
my wedding planning was going perfectly until I heard today that one of only 2 groomsmen plans to bring his 7 year old child. I planned to have an adult only evening reception and have already told my mom no kids (she was asking for another guest). I said I wouldn't make an exception for some and not others. Groomsman is coming from out of town for a long weekend (Thursday - Sunday). I might be able to come to terms with making an exception for reception but....Here's the twist. I rented a huge 100+ year old beach house next door to venue for 3 nights and planned to have wedding party stay (sleeps 14 ppl). I'm in a panic that i will now be sharing this house with a 7 year old. This house was to host a night before dinner party for my fiance's b-day, morning of brunch while girls get ready and a small after party after wedding. i can't even believe they are okay having their child there, it's going to be the celebration house! Please offer your thoughts. thank you.
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Re: Help...kids at wedding...with a big twist
Its great that you've rented a place for the RD and after party that you're staying in. If you're offering it up for other people to stay they can take you up on it, or decline and stay elsewhere. You're also free to say no kids in the house, knowing that might make people with children stay elsewhere and not participate in all the activities. If you're trying to "require" people to stay then you may have to deal with having the child there as well. There's no way to tell the GM to stay there but to leave his kid somewhere else.
Since you didn't really pose a question and just asked for thoughts here they are: if the wedding is a destination it's hard for people with kids to either leave them home or find child care in a city they're unfamiliar with. It's perfectly acceptable to have an adult only wedding (I did) but you're going to have to come to be ok with the fact that some people you love have children and if the kids are not invited they have to make hard choices about what they can do and when. It's also fine to allow children of WP members and not others to attend.
1) What does your FI say?
2) You say you found this out ... how? Did the GM assume that he can bring his son/daughter?
3) Is GM coming with his wife?
4) What kind of "adult" activities do you think will be happening? A few people getting drunk? Any nudity? Orgy in the living room?
5) Has GM explicitly RSVPed to stay in the house with everyone?
6) You say that most guests live in MA; does this GM live there as well? Or is he traveling in?
I agree with the PPs. You have a few options as I see it:
1) Tell the GM that you cannot accommodate his son at your wedding & reception. GM may step out or may opt to stay somewhere else and attend only the wedding / reception.
2) Let the GM bring the kid and go with the flow.
If a member of my WP had children, I would tell them ASAP that I intended to have an adult wedding. This allows the WP member the opportunity to decide whether he can accept the role with the caveat. It sounds as if you rented this beach house prior to even asking who would have an interest staying with you.
It may be your wedding weekend, but your WP members are only obliged to participate in the ceremony and reception. To be honest, the few times we have had to travel for a wedding, you can believe we turned it into a family vacation to help justify the cost involved.
I'm still curious ...... what did the GM say to your FI and what does your FI think about the whole thing?
In my area, the majority of the weddings include children, especially if it is immediate family. There is also a HUGE difference between choosing to attend a wedding without children versus not allowing children to attend.
It would be rude of the GM to ask if someone is invited as it puts the couple on the spot. It is incumbent on the couple to make their plans clear to those intimately involved.
this is your friend.
Again, this issue has all occurred because of assumptions. Why would your FI assume his GM would leave his wife at home?
Before this gets more out of hand, or the GM purchases tickets he cannot refund, you and your FI need to decide together whether you will allow children at your wedding. You also need to decide whether you are rescinding the offer to stay at the beach house if GM does bring his child. Your generosity with the beach house offer may be the only way this GM can afford to bring his family. He needs to have all the information ASAP.
1)Have your FI call him. Tell him he's welcome to stay in the house with his spouse, but that you aren't able to accommodate his child (if that's what you decide).
2) Suggest nearby hotels or rentals for them.
3) Decide if you want children at the wedding or not. Do not write this on the invitations. If people ask tell them invitations are for the name couple only.
4) Be prepared for the GM to decline being in the WP if his child is not invited. Again a child-free wedding is fine, but that often puts parents in a tough situation.
Yes it was wrong of him to assume he could bring the child, but in general it seems like there hasn't been a lot of straight forward communication. If there are stipulations on the invitation to stay in the house then you should be upfront about them.
At this point I'd tell the GM that the rental home us adults only and clarify the wedding.
If I were in your shoes I would probably make an exception for this guy's kid coming to the wedding- they are traveling from far away and he's in the wedding party- but I'd have your FI have a convo with him expressing your concerns about the house not being kid-friendly. They'll know best what their kid can handle, and as a former seven-year-old who spent a good amount of time around adult drinking and debauchery, I'd like to think I turned out fine and didn't impede anyone's good time. It's easy enough for the parents to keep the kiddo entertained in their room with an iPad or something during the birthday dinner or whatever.