My mother is driving me crazy!

aly7123 · July 2016

I am currently planning my June 2017 wedding. My fiance and I are paying for mostly everything with some help from our parents. However, my mother is trying to take over my wedding. She is constantly inviting random people from her workplace that I have never met. My fiance is getting upset with this because each guest adds more money onto our wedding bill. I asked my mother if she was going to help pay for these guests and she pretty much laughed at me. Her contribution towards our wedding has been about $500 and while I'm grateful for what she's given us, I feel that it doesn't give her the right to invite ten of her friends from work.

My mother is also very opinionated. She doesn't like the wedding dress I picked out, she doesn't like the bridesmaids' dresses I picked out, she doesn't like that I'm having the wedding, shower, and other events near where my fiance and I live (which is only about 20 minutes away from her), and she constantly insults our friends and my bridesmaids. She told me that my fiance is only inviting "drunks from a bar room" because he is inviting two or three guys from the firehouse he goes to on Sundays. She told my bridesmaids they were stupid because they are letting me have the final say on the bridesmaid dresses. We all talked about the dresses and agreed I would have the final say but I wouldn't pick something that looks horrible on them. We all agreed on the dress I picked out. I picked a shorter bridesmaid dress (it goes to about the knee) and my mother said none of my bridesmaids have nice enough legs to wear it. Then she said only two of my bridesmaids are skinny enough to wear the dress. I am getting so tired of my mother's insults and other nonsense. She acts like she is paying for the whole wedding when in reality, my father (who is no longer with my mother) is giving us a lot more money. Of course, she also badmouths him so it's just adding more stress to my life. My father is very supportive and is not trying to dictate things just because he's giving us thousands of dollars. He pretty much says "it's your wedding" and just goes with the flow.

My mother is very stubborn, loud, and outspoken, so any attempts to have a discussion with her about this have not gone well. Last time I tried to talk to her, she said she was going to make me cry and then laugh at me. I'm sorry for the length of this but I don't know how to deal with her anymore and am hoping I can get some advice on dealing with an overbearing and basically mean mother during wedding planning.

banana468 · July 2016

aly7123 said:

I am currently planning my June 2017 wedding. My fiance and I are paying for mostly everything with some help from our parents. However, my mother is trying to take over my wedding. She is constantly inviting random people from her workplace that I have never met. My fiance is getting upset with this because each guest adds more money onto our wedding bill. I asked my mother if she was going to help pay for these guests and she pretty much laughed at me. Her contribution towards our wedding has been about $500 and while I'm grateful for what she's given us, I feel that it doesn't give her the right to invite ten of her friends from work.

My mother is also very opinionated. She doesn't like the wedding dress I picked out, she doesn't like the bridesmaids' dresses I picked out, she doesn't like that I'm having the wedding, shower, and other events near where my fiance and I live (which is only about 20 minutes away from her), and she constantly insults our friends and my bridesmaids. She told me that my fiance is only inviting "drunks from a bar room" because he is inviting two or three guys from the firehouse he goes to on Sundays. She told my bridesmaids they were stupid because they are letting me have the final say on the bridesmaid dresses. We all talked about the dresses and agreed I would have the final say but I wouldn't pick something that looks horrible on them. We all agreed on the dress I picked out. I picked a shorter bridesmaid dress (it goes to about the knee) and my mother said none of my bridesmaids have nice enough legs to wear it. Then she said only two of my bridesmaids are skinny enough to wear the dress. I am getting so tired of my mother's insults and other nonsense. She acts like she is paying for the whole wedding when in reality, my father (who is no longer with my mother) is giving us a lot more money. Of course, she also badmouths him so it's just adding more stress to my life. My father is very supportive and is not trying to dictate things just because he's giving us thousands of dollars. He pretty much says "it's your wedding" and just goes with the flow.

My mother is very stubborn, loud, and outspoken, so any attempts to have a discussion with her about this have not gone well. Last time I tried to talk to her, she said she was going to make me cry and then laugh at me. I'm sorry for the length of this but I don't know how to deal with her anymore and am hoping I can get some advice on dealing with an overbearing and basically mean mother during wedding planning.

The time has come to stop playing nice.

Determine your budget and draft your guest list with your FI. If parents are allowed to invite guests then be firm with the number or simply say No. It's not a bad thing to put limits on them especially if they are not financing.

If mom continues to tell you about extra guests be firm: "Mom, we told you that the guest list is finalized and these additions cannot be accommodated. I'd hate for these people to show up only to be turned away at the door but if you don't tell them that YOU misspoke that's what's going to happen. "

Stop giving her input on attire or anything she isn't financing. "Mom, you shared your opinion and I thank you for it. We have made a decision and it's time to move on" and then change the subject. If she continues to insult you or your decisions, remove yourself from the situation.

Remind her that you love her but if she can't respect that you're an adult capable of making your own choices then you'll have no choice but to stop bringing her into the more intimate parts of your lif .

Finally, say what you mean and mean what you say. Standing up for yourself and your FI is part of adulting. It may make her upset but that doesn't mean that you need to put up with her shenanigans.

levioosa · July 2016

aly7123 said:

I am currently planning my June 2017 wedding. My fiance and I are paying for mostly everything with some help from our parents. However, my mother is trying to take over my wedding. She is constantly inviting random people from her workplace that I have never met. My fiance is getting upset with this because each guest adds more money onto our wedding bill. I asked my mother if she was going to help pay for these guests and she pretty much laughed at me. Her contribution towards our wedding has been about $500 and while I'm grateful for what she's given us, I feel that it doesn't give her the right to invite ten of her friends from work.

My mother is also very opinionated. She doesn't like the wedding dress I picked out, she doesn't like the bridesmaids' dresses I picked out, she doesn't like that I'm having the wedding, shower, and other events near where my fiance and I live (which is only about 20 minutes away from her), and she constantly insults our friends and my bridesmaids. She told me that my fiance is only inviting "drunks from a bar room" because he is inviting two or three guys from the firehouse he goes to on Sundays. She told my bridesmaids they were stupid because they are letting me have the final say on the bridesmaid dresses. We all talked about the dresses and agreed I would have the final say but I wouldn't pick something that looks horrible on them. We all agreed on the dress I picked out. I picked a shorter bridesmaid dress (it goes to about the knee) and my mother said none of my bridesmaids have nice enough legs to wear it. Then she said only two of my bridesmaids are skinny enough to wear the dress. I am getting so tired of my mother's insults and other nonsense. She acts like she is paying for the whole wedding when in reality, my father (who is no longer with my mother) is giving us a lot more money. Of course, she also badmouths him so it's just adding more stress to my life. My father is very supportive and is not trying to dictate things just because he's giving us thousands of dollars. He pretty much says "it's your wedding" and just goes with the flow.

My mother is very stubborn, loud, and outspoken, so any attempts to have a discussion with her about this have not gone well. Last time I tried to talk to her, she said she was going to make me cry and then laugh at me. I'm sorry for the length of this but I don't know how to deal with her anymore and am hoping I can get some advice on dealing with an overbearing and basically mean mother during wedding planning.

Return your mother's money, tell her any people she invites will show up without a place to eat, and stop talking to her about wedding related things. It doesn't sound like this is new behavior. Accepting that and putting limits on your interactions with her will help.

Ex.

Mom: "Your bridesmaids are too fat for that dress. It's going to look awful."

You: "Mom, that isn't appropriate, and the topic is closed. Have you heard about that new restaurant?"
Mom: "But can you believe watching Sally try to fit in that dress?"

You: "Mom, this topic is closed."

Mom: "I can't believe it. I can't believe you! I'm just trying to help you!"
You: "I told you the topic is closed. This is not up for discussion. I will talk to you later." *Hang up the phone*

Seriously though. Return her money. $500 isn't going to break the budget. Downgrade the flowers, have wine and beer only, something to make up that difference. I promise it will be more than worth it. Stop talking to her about wedding related things. If you continue to interact with her you are going to be miserable. In addition, setting limits on her behavior now will help you in your marriage as well.

OliveOilsMom · July 2016

The best thing you can do right now is to get a cashier's check for $500 and give it to your mom. When you give her that check tell her, "Mom, I am giving you back this money because I no longer want you to have any say in our wedding. It has been one thing after another that you don't like about our wedding. So I'm removing any say you get in this wedding by giving you back this money. From this point on, I don't want to hear another word about how you don't like any of the plans for our wedding. I will no longer discuss the wedding with you, even if you bring it up. Also, the people you have been adding to the guest list, will not be invited and will be turned away at the door if they show up uninvited, which will only make you look bad. So I suggest you let them know you were mistaken."

I have a feeling, you have never stood up to or given your mother any boundaries. It would be good to start doing that now. She will continually insert herself into your marriage, unless you put a stop to it. She will probably also tell you how to raise your kids, if you have any. So start showing your mom you won't put up with her attitude. Remember that you cannot change others, only your reaction to them. So your mom probably won't ever change, if she has always been this way. So figure out a way deal with your mom. If that means hanging up or leaving her house or even asking her to leave yours, it is what you need to do to show her you won't put up with anything.

Jen4948 · July 2016

Immediately give your mother back all the money she's given you. Tell her, "Mom, because you have chosen to find fault with everything about our plans and you express your opinions in deeply hostile terms, this is the last time we will discuss any aspect of the wedding with you. We are not going to accommodate your random guests or accept any more negativity from you. It's up to you to tell anyone you've added to the guest list without our consent that you made a mistake and they cannot be accommodated at the wedding. If you don't, they will not be provided with seating, food, or drinks."

drunkenwitch · July 2016

Hard boundary time my dear. Your mom only has this power because you are letting her have the power.

Step 1) give her back the money. Period. Don't give her an inch.

Step 2) Just because she invited these people doesn't mean they get an invitation. Explaining that they aren't actually invited is her problem, not yours.

Step 3) stop taking her bait. Stop. You don't have to take this anymore. You are an adult. An independent adult. She can't do anything to you unless you let her. The greatest leverage you have is your presence in her life. Use it.

Step 4) Lay down your boundaries in clear, concise words (seriously, I suggest writing them down, it will help you organize your thoughts). Tell her you love her, but you also need to protect yourself.

Step 5) see step 3. Boundary trampling will cause you to cut off all contact with her until YOU are ready to resume contact. After you resume contact you will expect those boundaries to be respected. If they are not, lather, rinse, repeat. If she wants to act like a child, treat her like one and give her a timeout.

Step 6) DON'T TAKE THE BAIT! I know I said that before but it is crucial to te process. Don't JADE http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain simply shut the conversation down. Hang up the phone, leave do whatever. It takes 2 to have a conversation, remove yourself.

Final advice. This will be hard. Really, really hard. But the more you do it, the easier it gets. The more consistent you are, the better it will be for you. I know this works, because I finally have a good relationship with my mom after years (yes, years, but it's worth it) of enforcing this. She knows that any histrionics, drama, guilt trips, or other bullshit will cause me to withdraw. Now she approaches me with maturity and honesty and we have been growing closer.

And wow, what kind of "mother" says to her kid "I'm going to make you cry and laugh", that is seriously fucked up and straight up toxic and abusive.

ETA, good luck. Standing up to parents is hard without practice. Parents know everyone of your buttons, because they personally installed most of them.

SP29 · July 2016

Set boundaries.

Just because your mom wants to invite X,Y,Z guest doesn't mean you have to. Set a budget and a guest list with your FI. If you are going to allow your parents to invite some guests, ask them to give you a list of X names with addresses by Y date, whom you will then invite. You are in control of the number. If Mom wants to keep adding, you firmly tell her that the guest list has been set and it is not for discussion. Even now, if you reluctantly agreed to invite people your Mom has demanded, you haven't sent invites, so go back and say, "Mom, FI and I have looked at the budget and guest list and we really cannot invite X,Y,Z". Either tell her no to all the extras, or ask her who she'd like to see invited within your stated boundaries (5 people? 10 people?).

As for the rest- stop talking to her about it. She doesn't need to know which bridesmaid dresses you've picked. You are the one wearing your wedding dress. You don't plan your own pre-wedding parties, so that is on the host to decide the location, and if your hosts live near you, obviously that is where the party will take place.

Good luck!

MesmrEwe · July 2016

1) Give the money back! With money comes strings - and for her it's dictating all wedding related decisions and it's costing you more in stress than that $500! If you choose to keep that money, it's for her coworker's meals. Figure out the per-person cost (meal, cake, bar, seating, invitation, etc.) and that's the cap of guests she can invite should you choose to keep the money.

2)BOUNDARIES!!! You need to set them and be firm because this is a FAR bigger issue than just your wedding! This extends into other areas of your life, and it's probably a "moment of insight" to think about how many ways these boundary issues really are part of something bigger.

3) STOP talking about all wedding details around her. I know it's hard! But someone who's going to be a complete jerk by essentially saying your BM's shouldn't wear a particular dress because their legs don't look like they're competing in a non-tested bodybuilding contest, just - NO! Learn the fine art of "Bean Dipping" (i.e. elegantly change the subject) whenever it comes up above the time and location she's suppose to show up. AND, do not tell your BM's she said that kind of crap - I know it's heard, but they shouldn't have to deal with someone's rude and inappropriate projection! With an attitude like that...

OliveOilsMom · July 2016

To add - call ALL of your vendors and make sure that your mother cannot make any changes. Do not give her a Save the Date, she could copy it and provide it to her co-workers. Also, wait until the last minute to mail your mom's invite for the same reason. We had another bride on this board whose MIL was giving away her own invitation and was trying to get bride's siblings-IL to give MIL their invites too, because MIL was planning to distribute them out to others. Bride was given a heads up about it from a SIL.

Make sure the DJ knows that your mom is not to get the microphone at the wedding either. Take any other precautions you think you may need. Is there anyone your mom knows that she tries to impress or will keep your mom reeled in on the wedding day? Make sure that person is at your mother's table at the reception.

aly7123 · July 2016

Thanks for the advice everyone! You're right...I really should try to leave my mother out of the wedding planning. I guess I just always dreamed of my mother being happy and supportive during the planning that it really stinks that it's not happening. I wish there was someone that could reign her in, but unfortunately, that will never happen. If you all knew my mother, you would know what I say is true. Let's just say that I am surprised I am even getting married because she managed to scare away almost every boyfriend I ever had. I think I'm just going to involve my bridesmaids and future MIL in the planning...at least they don't scream at me and try to take things over. I'm also going to try to change the subject if she brings up any wedding related stuff...hopefully that will help. As for the extra guests, I don't think I have much of a choice about them because she will bring them regardless. I will just use the money she gave me to pay for their meals...thankfully, I live in a place where the cost of living is low and it is only about $40 per person including alcohol. I wish I could put my foot down and refuse to let her invite them, however; that doesn't work with her.

banana468 · July 2016

aly7123 said:

Thanks for the advice everyone! You're right...I really should try to leave my mother out of the wedding planning. I guess I just always dreamed of my mother being happy and supportive during the planning that it really stinks that it's not happening. I wish there was someone that could reign her in, but unfortunately, that will never happen. If you all knew my mother, you would know what I say is true. Let's just say that I am surprised I am even getting married because she managed to scare away almost every boyfriend I ever had. I think I'm just going to involve my bridesmaids and future MIL in the planning...at least they don't scream at me and try to take things over. I'm also going to try to change the subject if she brings up any wedding related stuff...hopefully that will help. As for the extra guests, I don't think I have much of a choice about them because she will bring them regardless. I will just use the money she gave me to pay for their meals...thankfully, I live in a place where the cost of living is low and it is only about $40 per person including alcohol. I wish I could put my foot down and refuse to let her invite them, however; that doesn't work with her.

You're allowing her to walk all over you.

I get it. She has a domineering personality.

But she's getting her way because you are refusing to say no. It's not easy but if you find yourself in this situation with strangers at your wedding its because you're letting it happen.

charlotte989875 · July 2016

aly7123 said:

Thanks for the advice everyone! You're right...I really should try to leave my mother out of the wedding planning. I guess I just always dreamed of my mother being happy and supportive during the planning that it really stinks that it's not happening. I wish there was someone that could reign her in, but unfortunately, that will never happen. If you all knew my mother, you would know what I say is true. Let's just say that I am surprised I am even getting married because she managed to scare away almost every boyfriend I ever had. I think I'm just going to involve my bridesmaids and future MIL in the planning...at least they don't scream at me and try to take things over. I'm also going to try to change the subject if she brings up any wedding related stuff...hopefully that will help. As for the extra guests, I don't think I have much of a choice about them because she will bring them regardless. I will just use the money she gave me to pay for their meals...thankfully, I live in a place where the cost of living is low and it is only about $40 per person including alcohol. I wish I could put my foot down and refuse to let her invite them, however; that doesn't work with her.

I get wanting your Mom to be involved, my Mom was very opinionated, didn't like a lot of the things we wanted to do, was rude and still makes comments (over a year later) about things she didn't like. You're never going to be able to change her, so he quicker you can realize she isn't going to be there the way you want her to be (possibly ever) the less it will stress you out. Many of us have families that disappoint us or don't live up to our ideals about family, but if you can accept that's who they are the happier you will be.

Two small things 1) if your MIL and BMs offer to help you're free to take them up on it, but please don't ask them to do things for your wedding. It's not anyone else's responsibility to help you plan. So if they offer great, if not don't try to "engage them" in planning. 2) You can put your foot down say "Mom, these people will not be receiving invitations, there will not be a seat or meal for them if they show up. Please stop telling people they are invited to the wedding as they will be disappointed and embarrassed when they do not receive and invitation and there is no place for them at the reception".

OliveOilsMom · July 2016

If you are so easily rolling over and letting your mother control things, nothing will ever change. Perhaps you need some therapy to learn some coping techniques to dealing with your mother. You know she will never change, but that doesn't mean you have to accept everything your mother does or tries to force on you. If you begin the steps to stop having your mom walk all over you, her saying "she is going to make you cry and then laugh" will hold no weight. It will be meaningless because you will have learned to stand up for yourself and stop letting your mom use you for a doormat.

"No" is not a bad word, start using it with your mother. When she gets out of hand, just say "I'm sorry, I can't talk to you when you are like this. We will discuss this again later when you have calmed down." The secret is to say your words AND mean them. So hang up the phone, leave, etc.

If you don't stop these first set of guests now, what will make her stop herself from inviting more? If you have to have a person at the door checking names and letting them know what table they are at, it will be well worth the cost and potential inconvenience.

drunkenwitch · July 2016

There is no wishing you could put your foot down with her. You do it or you don't do it. "That's not how it works with her". Fine. How does it work with you? Just because she wants something doesn't mean you have to give it to her. Let's revisit the independent adult thing. What exactly are you afraid of here? What could she possibly do to you if you stand up for yourself? Have a tantrum? Big deal. Walk away. Shut it down.

Do or not do. There is no try.

SaintPaulGal · July 2016

aly7123 said:

Thanks for the advice everyone! You're right...I really should try to leave my mother out of the wedding planning. I guess I just always dreamed of my mother being happy and supportive during the planning that it really stinks that it's not happening. I wish there was someone that could reign her in, but unfortunately, that will never happen. If you all knew my mother, you would know what I say is true. Let's just say that I am surprised I am even getting married because she managed to scare away almost every boyfriend I ever had. I think I'm just going to involve my bridesmaids and future MIL in the planning...at least they don't scream at me and try to take things over. I'm also going to try to change the subject if she brings up any wedding related stuff...hopefully that will help. As for the extra guests, I don't think I have much of a choice about them because she will bring them regardless. I will just use the money she gave me to pay for their meals...thankfully, I live in a place where the cost of living is low and it is only about $40 per person including alcohol. I wish I could put my foot down and refuse to let her invite them, however; that doesn't work with her.

Nope nope nope. You do have a choice. You DO NOT have to allow anyone at your wedding whom you have not invited. Period. The end. It may be uncomfortable, but you are within your rights to turn them away at the door. Make a place card for each invited guest. No place card, no seat, no meal, asked to leave. It sucks because it's not the "crashers'" fault if they thought they were invited, but they are collateral damage of your mother, not you. Be polite but firm. "I appreciate that you came out to support us today, but as I repeatedly told my mother we have to limit the festivities to invited guests. I am very sorry for the inconvenience."

You could also nip things in the bud by contacting one of these coworkers directly. Call or email with something like, "I know this is a terribly awkward and unusual subject, but it has come to my attention that my mother has been widely inviting her colleagues to my upcoming wedding. While I appreciate the generosity of her spirit, I have repeatedly reminded her that we are unable to accommodate her many lovely coworkers. Could you help me in spreading the word around your office that the nuptials will be a limited event? I wouldn't want anyone to arrive with nowhere to sit and no meal." Yeah, that verges on high drama but it's still somewhat restrained and undoubtedly a thousand times better than having someone dress up, show up, and have to be turned away.

Last but not least, you do have the option of giving in to your mom's demands. Maybe you don't want to fight this battle right now. That is your decision to make. But it is a DECISION, not an inevitability thrust on you by circumstance. Just keep in mind that you will never be a fully autonomous adult until you stand up for yourself and have this fight, however uncomfortable it may be.

levioosa · July 2016

Please don't think you are without a choice in this matter. You have more power than you think. You also really need to readjust your expectations. Your mother has always acted this way. She will continue to act this way until pigs fly, and the saints come marching in. You don't have to let it happen. And yes, you might have to get to the point of "if you don't stop this behavior, we will no longer be in contact." That's not extreme for a person who does not respect boundaries. But honestly, she sounds overbearing and a little toxic. She sounds just like my grandmother. And my life has been 1000% better since I stopped giving into my grandmother's bullshit and started to set boundaries. Boundaries are your friend. And, you say that you are lucky your FI is still around. If you want to have a healthy marriage and healthy relationship in general, it is imperative you set boundaries with your mother. Don't let her guilt trip you, don't let her control you. You are no longer a child. You are no longer under her roof. You don't have to let her treat you this way. But by accepting the money, and letting her invite the coworkers, you are telling her the way she is treating you is fine.

lnixon8 · July 2016

The coworkers will come anyway? If these people come uninvited because your Mom is "bringing them" they have no tact. If they show up and get turned away, no place to sit, no food etc. that is either thier own problem or your Mom's problem. Not yours.

My mother is driving me crazy!

Re: My mother is driving me crazy!

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