Moms and Maids

My mother is driving me crazy!

I am currently planning my June 2017 wedding.  My fiance and I are paying for mostly everything with some help from our parents.  However, my mother is trying to take over my wedding.  She is constantly inviting random people from her workplace that I have never met.  My fiance is getting upset with this because each guest adds more money onto our wedding bill.  I asked my mother if she was going to help pay for these guests and she pretty much laughed at me.  Her contribution towards our wedding has been about $500 and while I'm grateful for what she's given us, I feel that it doesn't give her the right to invite ten of her friends from work.

My mother is also very opinionated.  She doesn't like the wedding dress I picked out, she doesn't like the bridesmaids' dresses I picked out, she doesn't like that I'm having the wedding, shower, and other events near where my fiance and I live (which is only about 20 minutes away from her), and she constantly insults our friends and my bridesmaids.  She told me that my fiance is only inviting "drunks from a bar room" because he is inviting two or three guys from the firehouse he goes to on Sundays.  She told my bridesmaids they were stupid because they are letting me have the final say on the bridesmaid dresses.  We all talked about the dresses and agreed I would have the final say but I wouldn't pick something that looks horrible on them.  We all agreed on the dress I picked out.  I picked a shorter bridesmaid dress (it goes to about the knee) and my mother said none of my bridesmaids have nice enough legs to wear it.  Then she said only two of my bridesmaids are skinny enough to wear the dress.  I am getting so tired of my mother's insults and other nonsense.  She acts like she is paying for the whole wedding when in reality, my father (who is no longer with my mother) is giving us a lot more money.  Of course, she also badmouths him so it's just adding more stress to my life.  My father is very supportive and is not trying to dictate things just because he's giving us thousands of dollars.  He pretty much says "it's your wedding" and just goes with the flow.

My mother is very stubborn, loud, and outspoken, so any attempts to have a discussion with her about this have not gone well.  Last time I tried to talk to her, she said she was going to make me cry and then laugh at me.  I'm sorry for the length of this but I don't know how to deal with her anymore and am hoping I can get some advice on dealing with an overbearing and basically mean mother during wedding planning.

Re: My mother is driving me crazy!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Immediately give your mother back all the money she's given you. Tell her, "Mom, because you have chosen to find fault with everything about our plans and you express your opinions in deeply hostile terms, this is the last time we will discuss any aspect of the wedding with you. We are not going to accommodate your random guests or accept any more negativity from you. It's up to you to tell anyone you've added to the guest list without our consent that you made a mistake and they cannot be accommodated at the wedding. If you don't, they will not be provided with seating, food, or drinks."
    MesmrEweInLoveInQueens
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Set boundaries.

    Just because your mom wants to invite X,Y,Z guest doesn't mean you have to. Set a budget and a guest list with your FI. If you are going to allow your parents to invite some guests, ask them to give you a list of X names with addresses by Y date, whom you will then invite. You are in control of the number. If Mom wants to keep adding, you firmly tell her that the guest list has been set and it is not for discussion. Even now, if you reluctantly agreed to invite people your Mom has demanded, you haven't sent invites, so go back and say, "Mom, FI and I have looked at the budget and guest list and we really cannot invite X,Y,Z". Either tell her no to all the extras, or ask her who she'd like to see invited within your stated boundaries (5 people? 10 people?).

    As for the rest- stop talking to her about it. She doesn't need to know which bridesmaid dresses you've picked. You are the one wearing your wedding dress. You don't plan your own pre-wedding parties, so that is on the host to decide the location, and if your hosts live near you, obviously that is where the party will take place.

    Good luck!
  • 1) Give the money back!  With money comes strings - and for her it's dictating all wedding related decisions and it's costing you more in stress than that $500!  If you choose to keep that money, it's for her coworker's meals.  Figure out the per-person cost (meal, cake, bar, seating, invitation, etc.) and that's the cap of guests she can invite should you choose to keep the money.

    2)BOUNDARIES!!!  You need to set them and be firm because this is a FAR bigger issue than just your wedding!  This extends into other areas of your life, and it's probably a "moment of insight" to think about how many ways these boundary issues really are part of something bigger. 

    3) STOP talking about all wedding details around her.  I know it's hard! But someone who's going to be a complete jerk by essentially saying your BM's shouldn't wear a particular dress because their legs don't look like they're competing in a non-tested bodybuilding contest, just - NO!  Learn the fine art of "Bean Dipping" (i.e. elegantly change the subject) whenever it comes up above the time and location she's suppose to show up.  AND, do not tell your BM's she said that kind of crap - I know it's heard, but they shouldn't have to deal with someone's rude and inappropriate projection!  With an attitude like that...  

     

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    To add - call ALL of your vendors and make sure that your mother cannot make any changes.  Do not give her a Save the Date, she could copy it and provide it to her co-workers.  Also, wait until the last minute to mail your mom's invite for the same reason.  We had another bride on this board whose MIL was giving away her own invitation and was trying to get bride's siblings-IL to give MIL their invites too, because MIL was planning to distribute them out to others.  Bride was given a heads up about it from a SIL.

    Make sure the DJ knows that your mom is not to get the microphone at the wedding either.  Take any other precautions you think you may need.  Is there anyone your mom knows that she tries to impress or will keep your mom reeled in on the wedding day?  Make sure that person is at your mother's table at the reception.

    SP29tigerlily6KatCtoKatA
  • Thanks for the advice everyone!  You're right...I really should try to leave my mother out of the wedding planning.  I guess I just always dreamed of my mother being happy and supportive during the planning that it really stinks that it's not happening.  I wish there was someone that could reign her in, but unfortunately, that will never happen.  If you all knew my mother, you would know what I say is true.  Let's just say that I am surprised I am even getting married because she managed to scare away almost every boyfriend I ever had.  I think I'm just going to involve my bridesmaids and future MIL in the planning...at least they don't scream at me and try to take things over.  I'm also going to try to change the subject if she brings up any wedding related stuff...hopefully that will help.  As for the extra guests, I don't think I have much of a choice about them because she will bring them regardless.  I will just use the money she gave me to pay for their meals...thankfully, I live in a place where the cost of living is low and it is only about $40 per person including alcohol.  I wish I could put my foot down and refuse to let her invite them, however; that doesn't work with her.
  • aly7123 said:
    Thanks for the advice everyone!  You're right...I really should try to leave my mother out of the wedding planning.  I guess I just always dreamed of my mother being happy and supportive during the planning that it really stinks that it's not happening.  I wish there was someone that could reign her in, but unfortunately, that will never happen.  If you all knew my mother, you would know what I say is true.  Let's just say that I am surprised I am even getting married because she managed to scare away almost every boyfriend I ever had.  I think I'm just going to involve my bridesmaids and future MIL in the planning...at least they don't scream at me and try to take things over.  I'm also going to try to change the subject if she brings up any wedding related stuff...hopefully that will help.  As for the extra guests, I don't think I have much of a choice about them because she will bring them regardless.  I will just use the money she gave me to pay for their meals...thankfully, I live in a place where the cost of living is low and it is only about $40 per person including alcohol.  I wish I could put my foot down and refuse to let her invite them, however; that doesn't work with her.
    I get wanting your Mom to be involved, my Mom was very opinionated, didn't like a lot of the things we wanted to do, was rude and still makes comments (over a year later) about things she didn't like. You're never going to be able to change her, so he quicker you can realize she isn't going to be there the way you want her to be (possibly ever) the less it will stress you out. Many of us have families that disappoint us or don't live up to our ideals about family, but if you can accept that's who they are the happier you will be. 

    Two small things 1) if your MIL and BMs offer to help you're free to take them up on it, but please don't ask them to do things for your wedding. It's not anyone else's responsibility to help you plan. So if they offer great, if not don't try to "engage them" in planning. 2) You can put your foot down say "Mom, these people will not be receiving invitations, there will not be a seat or meal for them if they show up. Please stop telling people they are invited to the wedding as they will be disappointed and embarrassed when they do not receive and invitation and there is no place for them at the reception". 
    SP29OliveOilsMom
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    If you are so easily rolling over and letting your mother control things, nothing will ever change.  Perhaps you need some therapy to learn some coping techniques to dealing with your mother.  You know she will never change, but that doesn't mean you have to accept everything your mother does or tries to force on you.  If you begin the steps to stop having your mom walk all over you, her saying "she is going to make you cry and then laugh" will hold no weight.  It will be meaningless because you will have learned to stand up for yourself and stop letting your mom use you for a doormat.

    "No" is not a bad word, start using it with your mother.  When she gets out of hand, just say "I'm sorry, I can't talk to you when you are like this.  We will discuss this again later when you have calmed down."  The secret is to say your words AND mean them.  So hang up the phone, leave, etc.

    If you don't stop these first set of guests now, what will make her stop herself from inviting more?  If you have to have a person at the door checking names and letting them know what table they are at, it will be well worth the cost and potential inconvenience.

    ernursejtigerlily6SP29InLoveInQueens
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Please don't think you are without a choice in this matter.  You have more power than you think. You also really need to readjust your expectations.  Your mother has always acted this way.  She will continue to act this way until pigs fly, and the saints come marching in.  You don't have to let it happen.  And yes, you might have to get to the point of "if you don't stop this behavior, we will no longer be in contact."  That's not extreme for a person who does not respect boundaries.   But honestly, she sounds overbearing and a little toxic.  She sounds just like my grandmother.  And my life has been 1000% better since I stopped giving into my grandmother's bullshit and started to set boundaries.  Boundaries are your friend.  And, you say that you are lucky your FI is still around.  If you want to have a healthy marriage and healthy relationship in general, it is imperative you set boundaries with your mother.  Don't let her guilt trip you, don't let her control you.  You are no longer a child.  You are no longer under her roof.  You don't have to let her treat you this way.  But by accepting the money, and letting her invite the coworkers, you are telling her the way she is treating you is fine.  


    image
    DrillSergeantCatOliveOilsMomInLoveInQueensSP29
  • The coworkers will come anyway? If these people come uninvited because your Mom is "bringing them" they have no tact. If they show up and get turned away, no place to sit, no food etc. that is either thier own problem or your Mom's problem. Not yours.


    OliveOilsMomSP29
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards