Are tiered receptions becoming more normal?

kahluakoala · July 2016

PoodleDoodleOoo said:

KahluaKoala said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

It's my understanding that it's common in other countries but still not acceptable in the US. You say you're not planning one which is great because I can't imagine how hurt I'd be if someone said, "Yeah we want you at our wedding, but only the last hour or so."

So I agree and disagree - all of the weddings I've been to recently I think "wow yeah I'd be super hurt if this happened". However, our office admin is currently planning her wedding (casual lunch friend, we never hang out outside the office, I like her a lot but if we quit I doubt we'd stay in touch) and she had mentioned inviting coworkers and a few other random local friends of friends out to the after party and I thought, "yeah, if I had no other plans that'd be a fun night out!". So I think to me, it's hurtful in theory when I think about my *friends* doing this to me, but I wouldn't be hurt by it if it was done by someone who had no power to hurt me...someone whose friendship I felt very cavalier about. It would never in a million years be what I did with my own wedding, but in some situations it's like, "eh, whatever!"

Yeah I kind of agree with @KahluaKoala to an extent. It's never appropriate to do, IMHO, but I don't think I'd be bothered if my casual co-worker Jane was like "feel free to stop by after 8 for drinks..." but I'd be pretty riled if someone I knew and hung out with regularly said the same thing (yet wouldn't be offended if I didn't get an invite at all...)

That said, Jane and I might have different ideas of how close our friendship is. Jane might think it's super casual and I wouldn't be miffed, whereas I might think we are "work besties" or something and would definitely feel offended. You can't really tell how people are going to perceive such an invite, so really it's best to treat everyone as one and the same, they all get invited or they don't. No half invites!

We did had a few "guests of guests" at our wedding show up for the dancing portion alone, but we didn't invite them or have any idea that they were coming until they were already there. It was really our guests being rude for inviting additional folks, not us, but to be honest, we didn't really care at that point.

@PoodleDoodleOoo This is really spot on. Inviting someone to the after dinner dancing portion has the potential to either be "fine" or "extremely hurtful". It never turns out great or has a super positive outcome, so why do it? Just because I think "oh X isn't expecting an invite so this will seem like a windfall" doesn't mean that's how X feels about our relationship and asking her to come for the second half just has the potential to hurt her feelings.

photokitty · July 2016

ScottishSarah said:

photokitty said:

I was really pleased when I saw that our venue stictly forbid it in our contract. Made us feel like we made a good venue choice.

Oh really! Can I ask how it was phrased? What a good idea!

I'd have to go back and look, but I think it was something to the effect that no additional guests can come who are not included in the meal count.

LtPowers · July 2016

It's absolutely rude in the U.S., but in other countries, people who wouldn't dream of expecting an invitation to dinner greatly appreciate the chance to join the reception for dancing and dessert. It's seen there as a way for the hosts to include more guests in the festivities, and thus a positive thing.

The American retort is that in the case of a budgetary crunch, hosting should be cut back equally among all guests, not selectively. But the U.S. has a much more egalitarian foundation than many other countries do, where people may be more used to the existence of separate "classes" of people.

ScottishSarah · July 2016

photokitty said:

ScottishSarah said:

photokitty said:

I was really pleased when I saw that our venue stictly forbid it in our contract. Made us feel like we made a good venue choice.

Oh really! Can I ask how it was phrased? What a good idea!

I'd have to go back and look, but I think it was something to the effect that no additional guests can come who are not included in the meal count.

You, see I would love to ban or at least discourage couples at the venue where I work from doing this, but I would get my ass chewed.

If I could, this is what I would say....

1) The atmosphere and feeling in the room will suffer when new people arrive, unless they are in large coherent groups and/or very gregarious.

2) If you over run on time it's going to be VERY awkward when they arrive to the room, see all the seats full and speeches/meal going on, then have to slink off to the public bar pretty humiliated.

3) Your seating assignments are no more after dinner. So while we will place a chair for every butt who is coming as an extra guest, the day groups will take more places than they need / leave single chairs everywhere. This will often necessitate the evening guests having to request extra seating and even tables! from our staff. Not exactly the way to make people welcome!

4) Your day guests won't want the evening snacks/pizza/whatever until 10pm as they just finished the meal at 6pm. Your evening guests will want it as soon as they arrive at 7pm. So unless you want to pay for 2 buffets, there is no easy way to reconcile this.

5) The evening guests are rarely be greeted properly on arrival as the bridal party are normally still finishing speeches/freshening up before the first dance etc. If you are overrunning and these guests are stuck in the main bar waiting, I WILL be giving them drinks on your tab regardless of what your contract says about a fucking cash bar.

6) I put your table plan away after dinner, not to 'keep it safe' but so your evening guests don't have the opportunity to see in black and white who made the cut above them. I rarely have to empty your card box after dinner.

7) Finally, all you girls on OBB comments were like "but we want our friends to party with us afterwards for the rest of the night!" Lets be honest here 'Kristin' you will be able to spend 3 minutes with them, before they can enjoy their warm cider and bloody bacon roll and go home.

8) And as for you 'Jeanna' "if anyone has a problem, I will be sure to inform them that I thought enough of them to celebrate (with us) and provide me with NO GIFTS for coming to the reception only party." how very fucking charitable of you. Can I come?

Signed, an anonymous and bitchy hotel employee xx

(Bloody hell that was an essay, sorry it's that time of the month)

OurWildKingdom · July 2016

ScottishSarah said:

photokitty said:

ScottishSarah said:

photokitty said:

I was really pleased when I saw that our venue stictly forbid it in our contract. Made us feel like we made a good venue choice.

Oh really! Can I ask how it was phrased? What a good idea!

I'd have to go back and look, but I think it was something to the effect that no additional guests can come who are not included in the meal count.

You, see I would love to ban or at least discourage couples at the venue where I work from doing this, but I would get my ass chewed.

If I could, this is what I would say....

1) The atmosphere and feeling in the room will suffer when new people arrive, unless they are in large coherent groups and/or very gregarious.

2) If you over run on time it's going to be VERY awkward when they arrive to the room, see all the seats full and speeches/meal going on, then have to slink off to the public bar pretty humiliated.

3) Your seating assignments are no more after dinner. So while we will place a chair for every butt who is coming as an extra guest, the day groups will take more places than they need / leave single chairs everywhere. This will often necessitate the evening guests having to request extra seating and even tables! from our staff. Not exactly the way to make people welcome!

4) Your day guests won't want the evening snacks/pizza/whatever until 10pm as they just finished the meal at 6pm. Your evening guests will want it as soon as they arrive at 7pm. So unless you want to pay for 2 buffets, there is no easy way to reconcile this.

5) The evening guests are rarely be greeted properly on arrival as the bridal party are normally still finishing speeches/freshening up before the first dance etc. If you are overrunning and these guests are stuck in the main bar waiting, I WILL be giving them drinks on your tab regardless of what your contract says about a fucking cash bar.

6) I put your table plan away after dinner, not to 'keep it safe' but so your evening guests don't have the opportunity to see in black and white who made the cut above them. I rarely have to empty your card box after dinner.

7) Finally, all you girls on OBB comments were like "but we want our friends to party with us afterwards for the rest of the night!" Lets be honest here 'Kristin' you will be able to spend 3 minutes with them, before they can enjoy their warm cider and bloody bacon roll and go home.

8) And as for you 'Jeanna' "if anyone has a problem, I will be sure to inform them that I thought enough of them to celebrate (with us) and provide me with NO GIFTS for coming to the reception only party." how very fucking charitable of you. Can I come?

Signed, an anonymous and bitchy hotel employee xx

(Bloody hell that was an essay, sorry it's that time of the month)

That should be a pin!!! Fantastic!

ILoveBeachMusic · July 2016

YogaSandy said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

YogaSandy said:

We went to a wedding years and years ago, the couple (perhaps WP too - I don't remember) wasn't present for dinner. This was a huge wedding - 300+ people? Guests weren't tiered exactly. Then during dinner or when couple arrived, MC announced that they weren't present for dinner because they had a small intimate dinner with their immediate family offsite. I told DH that was different. It didn't really bother me (wasn't too etiquette Davy back then). DH, who doesn't really care about etiquette blunders, said, "we ate dinner with all our guests."

That's weird. We're gonna feed you, but don't want to eat with you.

I know. I guess it doesn't break etiquette, as we were properly hosted.

Actually, I think it does break etiquette since the WP, B&G and guests are suppose to be treated equally.

mollybarker11 · July 2016

It's common where I'm from, but so are gaps and cash bars.

It's generally not a matter of dividing up a list of your friends & family into two tiers, but rather having your guest list for the ceremony & dinner and then inviting a bunch of coworkers, neighbours, and friends-of-friends to the dance. I've never received an individual invitation to a wedding dance, but I have received mass email invitations and seen invitations posted on bulletin boards or in the newspaper. I've also had friends invite me along to the wedding dances of people I've never met or heard of. For people who aren't close to the couple, it's very much seen as just a place to party. And the drinks at rec halls are generally a bit cheaper than the ones at bars.

I have never attended just the dance portion of a wedding though. If I'm not close enough to be invited to your wedding I'm probably not close enough to want to dance with your family & friends.

scrunchythief · July 2016

If it's really about saving money, then I don't understand why they just don't start their wedding after dinner time. Then you don't have to pay for a meal for anyone, and you can have more people come. And I'd think starting later might encourage more dancing in some circles.

SP29 · July 2016

In my personal circle, it's not common, but I have been invited as such.

One was a direct invitation- formal invitation to the reception only. Only MIL and SIL went. What was worse, was that they thought they were getting dinner and it turns out they were only invited to the dance portion. Double ouch. This was 10+ years ago, DH's cousin was getting married.

The other was an open invitation from a co-worker to all co-workers to attend the dance portion of her wedding. I actually quite like this person, but I still wouldn't go as I would never show up at someone's event without personally being invited. I feel like if you really want me there, you'd personally invite me. I also realize that one can't invite everyone to every event they host, so if I'm not important enough to come to the ceremony (which I know I was not. No hard feelings!), why do you want me there at the end?

PrettyGirlLost · July 2016

ScottishSarah said:

photokitty said:

ScottishSarah said:

photokitty said:

I was really pleased when I saw that our venue stictly forbid it in our contract. Made us feel like we made a good venue choice.

Oh really! Can I ask how it was phrased? What a good idea!

I'd have to go back and look, but I think it was something to the effect that no additional guests can come who are not included in the meal count.

You, see I would love to ban or at least discourage couples at the venue where I work from doing this, but I would get my ass chewed.

If I could, this is what I would say....

1) The atmosphere and feeling in the room will suffer when new people arrive, unless they are in large coherent groups and/or very gregarious.

2) If you over run on time it's going to be VERY awkward when they arrive to the room, see all the seats full and speeches/meal going on, then have to slink off to the public bar pretty humiliated.

3) Your seating assignments are no more after dinner. So while we will place a chair for every butt who is coming as an extra guest, the day groups will take more places than they need / leave single chairs everywhere. This will often necessitate the evening guests having to request extra seating and even tables! from our staff. Not exactly the way to make people welcome!

4) Your day guests won't want the evening snacks/pizza/whatever until 10pm as they just finished the meal at 6pm. Your evening guests will want it as soon as they arrive at 7pm. So unless you want to pay for 2 buffets, there is no easy way to reconcile this.

5) The evening guests are rarely be greeted properly on arrival as the bridal party are normally still finishing speeches/freshening up before the first dance etc. If you are overrunning and these guests are stuck in the main bar waiting, I WILL be giving them drinks on your tab regardless of what your contract says about a fucking cash bar.

6) I put your table plan away after dinner, not to 'keep it safe' but so your evening guests don't have the opportunity to see in black and white who made the cut above them. I rarely have to empty your card box after dinner.

7) Finally, all you girls on OBB comments were like "but we want our friends to party with us afterwards for the rest of the night!" Lets be honest here 'Kristin' you will be able to spend 3 minutes with them, before they can enjoy their warm cider and bloody bacon roll and go home.

8) And as for you 'Jeanna' "if anyone has a problem, I will be sure to inform them that I thought enough of them to celebrate (with us) and provide me with NO GIFTS for coming to the reception only party." how very fucking charitable of you. Can I come?

Signed, an anonymous and bitchy hotel employee xx

(Bloody hell that was an essay, sorry it's that time of the month)

Not only this, but people always find out they're the 3rd string guests. Social circles overlap and people talk before going to weddings.

This is why I think know having a :small, intimate ceremony" and a larger reception after is a bad idea- people find out they aren't invited to the ceremony and they get hurt and pissed and then its awkward for the guests who were invited to the ceremony.

ETA1: "Dear Kristin, you're friends are not that excited or desperate to party with you, even if it's your wedding. It's not like you're the bloody Queen of England and they are getting invited to a ball.

ETA2: Don't apologize for being a snarky boss bitch or feel the need to use your period as a rationalization for pointing out wanton fuckery with well deserved bitchiness. Own that bitchiness! It has nothing to do with our ovaries. Men never apologize for being dicks and blame it on their enlarged prostates.

mollybarker11 said:

It's common where I'm from, but so are gaps and cash bars.

It's generally not a matter of dividing up a list of your friends & family into two tiers, but rather having your guest list for the ceremony & dinner and then inviting a bunch of coworkers, neighbours, and friends-of-friends to the dance. I've never received an individual invitation to a wedding dance, but I have received mass email invitations and seen invitations posted on bulletin boards or in the newspaper. I've also had friends invite me along to the wedding dances of people I've never met or heard of. For people who aren't close to the couple, it's very much seen as just a place to party. And the drinks at rec halls are generally a bit cheaper than the ones at bars.

I have never attended just the dance portion of a wedding though. If I'm not close enough to be invited to your wedding I'm probably not close enough to want to dance with your family & friends.

But that's literally what is happening. . . one tier of guests are invited to witness the ceremony and then invited to a hosted event which includes a meal, and the 2nd tier of guests are then invited to basically just come and hang out.

That's what an after party is for.

Knottie1463423268 · July 2016

Some of these stories make me cringe! I was once invited by email to a church wedding. At the bottom of the email, it said "Private reception to follow." I didn't bother going, and the bride has never mentioned it to me, so I can tell she wasn't that keen on my attendance anyway.

mollybarker11 · July 2016

PrettyGirlLost said:

mollybarker11 said:

It's common where I'm from, but so are gaps and cash bars.

It's generally not a matter of dividing up a list of your friends & family into two tiers, but rather having your guest list for the ceremony & dinner and then inviting a bunch of coworkers, neighbours, and friends-of-friends to the dance. I've never received an individual invitation to a wedding dance, but I have received mass email invitations and seen invitations posted on bulletin boards or in the newspaper. I've also had friends invite me along to the wedding dances of people I've never met or heard of. For people who aren't close to the couple, it's very much seen as just a place to party. And the drinks at rec halls are generally a bit cheaper than the ones at bars.

I have never attended just the dance portion of a wedding though. If I'm not close enough to be invited to your wedding I'm probably not close enough to want to dance with your family & friends.
But that's literally what is happening. . . one tier of guests are invited to witness the ceremony and then invited to a hosted event which includes a meal, and the 2nd tier of guests are then invited to basically just come and hang out.

That's what an after party is for.

Yeah totally. I just meant the tiers are not "friends & family I love" VS "friends & family I like". It's "friends & family" VS "every person I've ever met or lived in relative proximity to".

Still a fuckin headache imo, and an unnecessary one at that.

Are tiered receptions becoming more normal?

Re: Are tiered receptions becoming more normal?

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