Wedding Party

Dropping out of a wedding party and not attending the wedding...

edited July 2016 in Wedding Party
Back story, I got engaged in Oct 2015, wedding is Nov 2016. Fast forward to February I asked a girl to be a bridesmaid, shortly after she got engaged, planning her wedding for Aug 2017, she also asked me to stand up for her.

Now.. We went bridesmaid dress shopping about 4 months ago for my wedding, and she was pretty crappy towards all my other bridesmaids and made the day all about her and her wedding... (At my wedding I'll have this, oh I should buy this for my wedding etc... Not about me and my day). Now everything is still about her and her wedding 13 months away, not about mine 4 months away.... And I want to drop out of her wedding, I have so much going on in my life and financially I can't afford it right now.

 And then today, my FI and I were told by some of our closest friends their wedding will be the exact same day as the other one. My heart broke when I found out because I want to be at the other wedding, I don't care if I miss the girl's wedding because she hasn't been treating me very well. Now I know it'll ruin the friendship, and I'm okay with that, because the friendship isn't great as is. I just don't know how to tell her...

I realize some of you will say this may be in bad taste etc, I'm just looking for advice to move forward with this.

Re: Dropping out of a wedding party and not attending the wedding...

  • Back story, I got engaged in Oct 2015, wedding is Nov 2016. Fast forward to February I asked a girl to be a bridesmaid, shortly after she got engaged, planning her wedding for Aug 2017, she also asked me to stand up for her.

    Now.. We went bridesmaid dress shopping about 4 months ago for my wedding, and she was pretty crappy towards all my other bridesmaids and made the day all about her and her wedding... (At my wedding I'll have this, oh I should buy this for my wedding etc... Not about me and my day). Now everything is still about her and her wedding 13 months away, not about mine 4 months away.... And I want to drop out of her wedding, I have so much going on in my life and financially I can't afford it right now.

     And then today, my FI and I were told by some of our closest friends their wedding will be the exact same day as the other one. My heart broke when I found out because I want to be at the other wedding, I don't care if I miss the girl's wedding because she hasn't been treating me very well. Now I know it'll ruin the friendship, and I'm okay with that, because the friendship isn't great as is. I just don't know how to tell her...

    I realize some of you will say this may be in bad taste etc, I'm just looking for advice to move forward with this.
    So are you kicking her out of your wedding too, or expecting her to still be a part of yours while contemplating ending the relationship?
    image
  • Im not kicking her out, I want to give her the choice, if that's her choice I completely understand. 
  • Why did you both ask eachother to stand up?  Think about that reason before deciding one way or the other.  I had a SIL who was all "For my wedding I did..." and "you should just..." .. But it was a choice for how I responded and for a long time I took it as a personal thing when really, it was just her way of trying to break the ice.  You know, if you've moved apart and the friendship has run its course, that's one thing.  The way things sound, you need to have some heart to hearts and figure out what you want.  If you can't say "I'm so over weddings, I'm out!" and be honest about your reasoning for doing so (none of these "it's not you, it's my finances..."), if you want out, SAY SO!

  • If you don't want to stand up with her anymore just tell her you appreciate being asked but unfortunately you can't do it anymore. Leave your wedding out of it. Don't "give her a choice" to stay or go. You already asked her. She might decide on her own she no longer wants to be in your wedding, but don't be the one to bring it up. 
  • Yeah, I think this is less complicated than you're making it. Time is your friend.

    Drop out of the wedding - "I'm sorry, but I don't think I am able to dedicate the time and money to this right now." She can make her own decision whether to drop out of yours. She doesn't need you to tell her it's her choice - it has always been her choice, plus you just modeled exercising the "drop out" option. When the invitation comes, you can RSVP "no" like any other guest who will have to miss it for any reason, without making it a big production. Friendships can fizzle naturally in/from there.
  • scribe95 said:
    I gotta be honest that saying you don't have the time or money 13 months ahead of a wedding seems like a cop out. Let's be honest, you want to go to this other wedding now but you made a commitment. I had something similar happen to me and it felt like utter crap to have someone drop out of my wedding to attend another wedding. I believe in fulfilling your word. But that's just me. 

    Also, I don't think this woman has done anything to really deserve being hurt if talking about her wedding is her worst crime. 
    In addition... this is going to sound mean, but if this new wedding is your closest friends, why did they not bother to see if you were available that day? Clearly you weren't VIPs to them and I think it's kind of crappy to pull out of a commitment you already made.
    But then there's no point in prolonging a friendship for a year if you're not interested in it... but I hope you aren't interested for other reasons besides her being excited about her own wedding.
  • MCmeowMCmeow member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    If talking about her own wedding was her worst offense I would forgive her. She's just excited understandably, and after seeing all the dresses she probably couldn't help herself. Maybe she didn't even notice you were offended by it. It's not a bad thing to share ideas about your own wedding and having conversations about it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • What money do you need to spend on her wedding that is over a year away? If this truly is a problem when it comes time to order you bm dress, be honest and kind with your friend.

    It's not that strange that your friend is excited about her wedding and wants to compare notes with you about wedding details. You seem to be willing to end a close friendship over very flimsy reasons. That says more about you than it does about her. You may find you miss your friend after the wedding is over.
                       
  • FFS, just end the friendship with her so she knows how little you think of her and doesn't waste any (more?) of her money on you and your wedding.  It's the least you can do.



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