Family money issues.

sluckey · July 2016

I am seven months pregnant trying to plan a wedding for March 25, 2017. My fiance and his family want "something nice" that would loosely cost 15k - 20k. My family is somewhat traditional and wants to pay for my wedding, however really only have an 8k budget. The only decisions that have been made are that we are having the wedding/reception on my aunt's 2 acre property. At this point, I am at a loss with one: how to please both sides of my family by having a "nice" backyard wedding for 8,000 dollars and two: reconcile with myself that it's not about what I want. What I want is to elope, period. All of my meager paycheck is going to prepare for the baby, and I don't really have the funds to provide anything. Help, please.

Jen4948 · July 2016

While it's not about what you want, neither should it not be about you, and neither should you or your family break your budgets to pay for something you don't want.

I think that if a $15k (????) wedding is what your FI and his family want, they need to help finance it. If they won't, then tell them no. They who do not pay do not get a say.

glasgowtolondon · July 2016

sluckey said:

I am seven months pregnant trying to plan a wedding for March 25, 2017. My fiance and his family want "something nice" that would loosely cost 15k - 20k. My family is somewhat traditional and wants to pay for my wedding, however really only have an 8k budget. The only decisions that have been made are that we are having the wedding/reception on my aunt's 2 acre property. At this point, I am at a loss with one: how to please both sides of my family by having a "nice" backyard wedding for 8,000 dollars and two: reconcile with myself that it's not about what I want. What I want is to elope, period. All of my meager paycheck is going to prepare for the baby, and I don't really have the funds to provide anything. Help, please.

Tbh, if you want to elope why not just do that? In that situation it absolutely can be all about what you and FI want. I can completely see why you would prefer to spend your money in other ways with a baby nearly here. I guess it sounds like FI has other ideas though.

If you want to have your family attend then they either need to pony up for what they define as 'something nice' or they deal with a perfectly lovely sounding backyard wedding. They will survive. There are plenty of ways to have a budget friendly wedding, the ladies on these boards are full of ideas to help you plan!

missJeanLouise · July 2016

You can have a very "nice" wedding reception for 8k. Just have immediate family; parents, siblings, maybe grandparents, and neices and nephews. If your FILs don't think that is "nice" enough then they can help pay for it.
All you need to get married is a license, an officiant, and a couple of witnesses. Everything else is just fluff. Once you start inviting guests though you need to take their comfort in mind. That means a plan B for heat, cold, rain and proper meal for the time of day.

CMGragain · July 2016

My wedding wasn't about me, either. I wanted a small church wedding. I got that. Every other decision was made by someone else except for my dress, which was strictly budget. FMIL tried to decide that one, too. I almost eloped. That would have been fine with DH.
It is 40 years later, and we are still happily married. None of that mattered at all.
No one can take advantage of you without your permission. The word "No" is a good one. Stop trying to please others and have the wedding that you can afford and want. My FMIL still wasn't happy, even though I let her control almost everything about my wedding.
Congratulations about your pregnancy!

levioosa · July 2016

I think you and FI need to sit down and have a serious conversation about what you both want. It is not appropriate for FIs family to try and have a say for a wedding they are not contributing to. They want a nice wedding? Man, I want a brand new nice car, too. Such a shame that we don't always get what we want.

There is nothing wrong with a backyard wedding. They can be perfectly lovely. They can even be lovely under $8k. However, you and FI need to get on the same page. Because, although when you invite guests the day ceases to be just about you, you are still one of the most important parts of it. If you are genuinely miserable, you need to communicate that to FI. If you are legitimately worried about being able to afford diapers after you've had a "big, nice wedding," then you and FI need to have a come to Jesus talk. Saying no to people is not a bad thing. In fact, making boundaries with FIs family will help you have a healthy marriage. If FI prioritizes what essentially is a party over your financial wellbeing (if finances are really that tight) and refuses to engage in a discussion about the wedding, then that's a red flag.

CMGragain · July 2016

I have a cousin who had two children with her FI before they decided to get married in a simple courthouse ceremony. Immediate family only attended. I heard that it was lovely. She wore a pastel colored suit which she has worn many times since then. Very sensible and beautiful, too.
Sure, she used to dream about a big wedding, but reality spoke louder than her childhood dreams. They are very happy, and have since had a third child.

lnixon8 · July 2016

As someone that had a reception on family property, do not think that you are saving money. By the time you rent tents, walls/heaters/air condtioning to make the tent comfortable, fancy porta potties, tables, chairs, floors etc... you may be spending well over what you would spend at a restaraunt or community center. Good luck!

thisismynickname2 · July 2016

It sounds like your family is paying for a wedding, and the budget is 8k. They who pay have a say. Not that it's not about you, but if your family is paying, at least that takes the stress off you financially.
Ideally, your family will take you and your FI's wants into account in making the decisions. You can have a lovely wedding for $8k! Let us know if you want tips for stretching that money as far as it can go (i.e. a small guest list, afternoon event with the proverbial cake and punch, or brunch wedding, etc.)

I hope your FI is accepting of this budget and isn't giving in to his parents' pressure to do something outside of the budget. First and foremost you both need to be happy with the plan.

kaos16 · July 2016

lnixon8 said:

As someone that had a reception on family property, do not think that you are saving money. By the time you rent tents, walls/heaters/air condtioning to make the tent comfortable, fancy porta potties, tables, chairs, floors etc... you may be spending well over what you would spend at a restaraunt or community center. Good luck!

Agreed! We actually decided against getting married on my family farm because it was cost prohibitive. It ended up being less expensive to do an all-inclusive venue nearby.

cowgirl8238 · July 2016

As PP's have mentioned you need to do what makes you and FI happy. It sounds like your folks want to pay for a very lovely wedding. As is always said he who pays gets a say. If you don't like their plans, you can certainly decline their money and get eloped.

That said, I will echo others about the unexpected costs of using someone's home. I would say stop there for photos or maybe have an informal gathering there later if you really like the space and want to honor their offer, but a more "traditional" venue may be better suited.

Some great Ways to save: Smaller guest list, skip or minimalize the Bridal Party (fewer gifts and such), avoid meal times if possible (2PM and 7PM), choose a restaurant or non-traditional venue, catering can be done cheap with BBQ, Italian or Mexican food from a local business, go with sheet cakes over a fancy wedding cake, skip the favors (no one misses them), minimalize your flowers or use non-floral (or no!) centerpieces, etc.

As long as everyone you invite is properly hosted (chairs for every butt, comfortable room, enough food for the time of day) you should be fine. I've been to three wedding done for your budget or less, two were fantastic and one was horribly planned...read these boards and you'll be just fine

SaintPaulGal · July 2016

Ditto everyone who has pointed out that a backyard/family property wedding is unlikely to be a budget-friendly choice. It sounds good on the surface, but when you consider the fact that *everything* has to be rented/brought in you wind up in a death-by-a-thousand-cuts situation. It would almost certainly be more economical to utilize a space that is already configured to do events. VFWs, community centers, and mid-tier hotels are often great for budget weddings.

With that said: if you want to elope, do it! Your friends and family will get over it. Really they will. They may be sad that they don't get to see you on your wedding day, but in the end the marriage is far more important than the wedding anyway.

ernursej · July 2016

Congrats on your pregnancy and engagement. Two very exciting experiences!

First, spend time with your FI figuring out things that are important to the two of you. This is couple's only time and does not include considering what FI's family wants or what your family wants. Once you have an idea of the things that are important to the two of you, decide on a budget. If you can't afford anything besides someone to officiate, go with just that and elope. If you have the funds for something more ... go ahead and add on. Do not accept money for either side as those that pay, get a say. If you need more time to save up for something more than just eloping, allow for more time.

No is not a four letter word and can be very empowering.

MesmrEwe · July 2016

As others have pointed out, the wedding on the 2 acres - will NOT save you money and not just that - it's going to be a HUGE PITA to someone! You'll nickel and dime your budget to death, you'll be stressed to the max between baby and all things details! NOT what I'd want to be doing in the middle of sleep deprivation and life adjustments that happen the first year with a LO!

Book out your local KC Hall, VFW, Legion, Lion's, etc. hall instead. "Something nice" can absolutely happen for an $8000 budget with money left over! (nothing says you have to spend the entire budget!) It's all in the choices you make and what you bring to the day. Cake - Sam's Club/Super Target/HyVee/Walmart Bakery all make a whipped icing (the whipped icing tastes a MILLION times better than their standard stuff!) tiered cake on a reasonable budget. Sam's/Costco also have wedding flower packages or if you set a firm number and are flexible, you can take your budget to a florist with your list of "Needs"... Food - All caterers offer a "budget friendly" meal option! Time of day - if you have your wedding as a brunch/lunch it'll often save you considerably as you'll be done early enough for most vendors to take second bookings. And, other than picking up the cake and delivering it to the site - none of these involve you lifting much of a finger because, you do not have time with an 7/8mo!

MuppetOverlord · July 2016

The wedding is about you. If you take anyone's money, those people can control how it's used. So you'll have to come to a mutual understanding regarding how that sits with you. Don't consider how reasonable or laid back about how your family members normally are. Weddings change people... we've seen many situations where parents get controlling to the point where the couple prefers to elope to escape the drama.

Eloping, a small ceremony, or pushing the date out are options too.

I'll echo a little bit about "saving money" with a home venue as well from my own experience. My uncle offered up his gorgeous property on the lake for our wedding. It really is a perfect spot and we could instantly see how it would play out in our minds regarding where we'd say our vows and pitch the tent etc...

However, things quickly added up! Rentals: chairs (for ceremony and reception), tents, dance floor, portable bathrooms (not portapotties), heaters for the tents, dishes etc... Caterer and their staff, plus tax and tip... and then, help! Who's going to set all of these things up, clean up after, and then get everything returned to the rental company or ready for pick up? I sure didn't want to ask anyone to do those things and I didn't want to deal with it on my wedding night either. Additionally, you'd want to consider a day of wedding coordinator to make sure everything goes smoothly.

I had an enormous spreadsheet detailing every expense and detail and it stressed me the heck out. As everything tallied $, I decided I should at least look into venues and I found a venue that saved me thousands. The food cost was comparable, and they were willing to negotiate a little on site fees since they already owned all of the equipment. A coordinator was included too.

I did need to cut down some of my guest list, but I saved about $4k otherwise and had a fairly worry-free event that I didn't have to burden anyone else with.

short+sassy · August 2016

I'll disagree a little with the other PPs in regards to a backyard wedding. It can be a very cheap choice, it really just depends on the situation. I had a wedding like that at my mom/stepdad's house for around $5K. And we could have done it substantially cheaper if we'd gone simpler on the flowers and didn't hire a photog.

The "rain" option was to use the house instead. Which may not be an option for you at your aunt's...then you'd be looking at a tent rental. Guests could use the bathrooms at the house, so no porta potty rentals needed. There were already 3-4 tables in the area. We did need a few more tables and fold out chairs. I'm not sure where my mom got them from, though I don't think she rented them. But that would be potentially another rental cost, depending on how much was needed.

We had the food and a signature cocktail brought in by a local restaurant (provided the rest of the beverages ourselves for a few hundred bucks). I think the food/sig cost was $15/person...but I'm sure we could have found something just as good for cheaper, my mom just especially likes that particular restaurant.

It's definitely a good idea to compare costs between a wedding at your aunt's and a more all-inclusive place. Like anything else, the number of people you are inviting very much affects your cost...even for a backyard wedding. I specifically kept my guest list under 40 because, if I'd gone above that, my mom's house would not have been an option anymore.

Family money issues.

Re: Family money issues.

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