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Help! Mother of my fiancee's daughters demands to be invited to wedding....

Knottie1465252831Knottie1465252831 member
5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So background here, this woman was never married to my fiancee. And let's be very clear, she is not a nice person. For many years she has played a very nasty game of "use the children for leverage" to get what she wants. She's also a drinker whom after a few drinks tends to shoot off a chain of nasty text messages to my fiancee at all hours of the night. (Classy, I know)

Since I have come on the scene a year or so ago, she has toned down the threats. I think she realizes she not going to win with me since I don't pay into her drama. However, when we announced our engagement, her response was she "better be invited to the wedding or she's crashing it". Both daughters (both under 12) are going to be in the wedding and they are super excited about it. I love them dearly and they are great kids. The mother has never been openly nasty to me directly, but she has said things to my fiancee and his family about me that were just none of her business. My fiancee loves his children desperately and is very involved in their daily lives...so interaction with her is common, but I can see this might come to a head as we get closer to the wedding next year.

Should I be the bigger person and invite her, hoping she doesn't cause a scene/ruin the day? Or do I risk creating a s*#tstorm by telling her she will not be invited? What is the etiquette here? How can I avoid creating a problem? Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks!
Its not the age, its the mileage
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Re: Help! Mother of my fiancee's daughters demands to be invited to wedding....

  • Knottie1465252831Knottie1465252831 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Thanks! He is prepared to confront her if it comes to that. I also have my FI's mother on my side and the girls' mother would never dare upset Grandma. I just have this feeling she will find a way to confront me about. She's done it before and I have done just want you suggested, backed up my FI and walked away. She doesn't like it when I don't succumb to BS, so there is a certain satisfaction. (Giggles a bit). Thanks for the advice.
    Its not the age, its the mileage
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  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I would not invite her and as banana suggested, try to get the girls ahead of time to avoid any day before/morning of drama fits.  Also, if she does seem to being crazy pants, I would consider some form of security at your event (but I would go with a little more of a wait and see if you're still a year out)
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  • Knottie1465252831Knottie1465252831 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    photokitty said:
    Knottie1465252831 said:
    So background here, this woman was never married to my fiancee. And let's be very clear, she is not a nice person. For many years she has played a very nasty game of "use the children for leverage" to get what she wants. She's also a drinker whom after a few drinks tends to shoot off a chain of nasty text messages to my fiancee at all hours of the night. (Classy, I know)

    Since I have come on the scene a year or so ago, she has toned down the threats. I think she realizes she not going to win with me since I don't pay into her drama. However, when we announced our engagement, her response was she "better be invited to the wedding or she's crashing it". Both daughters (both under 12) are going to be in the wedding and they are super excited about it. I love them dearly and they are great kids. The mother has never been openly nasty to me directly, but she has said things to my fiancee and his family about me that were just none of her business. My fiancee loves his children desperately and is very involved in their daily lives...so interaction with her is common, but I can see this might come to a head as we get closer to the wedding next year.

    Should I be the bigger person and invite her, hoping she doesn't cause a scene/ruin the day? Or do I risk creating a s*#tstorm by telling her she will not be invited? What is the etiquette here? How can I avoid creating a problem? Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks!
    What does your fiance day about it? I'd let him decide and handle it. Whether they were married or not is irrelevant. If she has custody, make sure you plan the wedding during his designated visitation.

    Personally, I'd invite her, since it sounds like it could affect the relationship. I'd have security in car she got out of hand. I would be more concerned about having a good relationship with the girls and my co-parent than whether or not she attends. I wouldn't be happy about it, but if my FI want her invited I would definitely invite her and stay out of the conversation he has with her.
    My only concern with your advice is she has a long history of using the girls as leverage and I feel like if we give in, she will once again be the one dictating the rules. She doesn't have sole custody, but she doesn't abide by the visitation agreement either. Again, its all about leverage. She likes to pull and tug EVERYONE at her whim. It drives my FI crazy and he hates having to deal with it. At some point, the girls' mother has to learn that its not all about "her way or the highway" right? 

    My FI thoughts on the matter are this...she is not invited. They are his children too. He doubts she would ask permission if she was the one getting married, nor would be object. If she throws a tantrum and says the girls are not going to be in the wedding then, he said that he is going to tell her that SHE will explain to the girls why they can't be in the wedding with him the room so there is no shenanigans. But I am hoping to avoid that. neutral:
    Its not the age, its the mileage
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  • Knottie1465252831Knottie1465252831 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    LondonLisa said:
    Knottie1465252831 said:
    Thanks! He is prepared to confront her if it comes to that. I also have my FI's mother on my side and the girls' mother would never dare upset Grandma. I just have this feeling she will find a way to confront me about. She's done it before and I have done just want you suggested, backed up my FI and walked away. She doesn't like it when I don't succumb to BS, so there is a certain satisfaction. (Giggles a bit). Thanks for the advice.
    She is welcome to confront you about it, but it is your choice to engage her or not. Seems like the best route for all those involved (especially the children) is to not engage or get sucked into an insult war. No child should ever hear their parent being insulted no matter how crazy they are being (baring abuse, and even then it should be validating the child's negative feelings). If she says it again just reply "Jane, this is a matter that should be discussed privately between you and John" and leave. 

    You being involved in this has approximately zero positive outcomes for you. 
    LondonLisa said:
    Knottie1465252831 said:
    Thanks! He is prepared to confront her if it comes to that. I also have my FI's mother on my side and the girls' mother would never dare upset Grandma. I just have this feeling she will find a way to confront me about. She's done it before and I have done just want you suggested, backed up my FI and walked away. She doesn't like it when I don't succumb to BS, so there is a certain satisfaction. (Giggles a bit). Thanks for the advice.
    She is welcome to confront you about it, but it is your choice to engage her or not. Seems like the best route for all those involved (especially the children) is to not engage or get sucked into an insult war. No child should ever hear their parent being insulted no matter how crazy they are being (baring abuse, and even then it should be validating the child's negative feelings). If she says it again just reply "Jane, this is a matter that should be discussed privately between you and John" and leave. 

    You being involved in this has approximately zero positive outcomes for you. 
    Oh, I don't engage with her at all. But she seeks me out, usually when my FI is not around. I walk away, she follows, yelling the whole way. Ahhh, small town life. I don't ever say anything bad about her to or around the kids, even when she is acting the fool. I am just silent.
    Its not the age, its the mileage
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  • Knottie1465252831Knottie1465252831 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    OliveOilsMom said:

    Ditto Starmoon in that if you schedule the wedding for a time you would already have the children, it should not be a problem for them to attend the wedding.  It also leaves out the chance that she won't allow the girls to go because its "her" weekend for the girls.

    I may possibly give the venue a heads up about her, with a picture if you can.  So they can escort her out before she ever gets a chance to get in and see the girls.  The worst thing that could happen is that she arrives, see the girls and then the girls are forced to watch their mom be escorted out.

    If you have your ceremony in a Church, know that you cannot bar her from the ceremony as they are usually open to all people as a sanctuary. 

    Also, if she continues to send barrages of texts to your FI because she is drunk.  Maybe its time to consult a lawyer for your FI to get full custody if his kids if Ex is unable to care for them properly. 

    But you already seem to know: don't engage the crazy directly.  Have a response ready to go if she ever brings it up with you.  "Sally, this is a conversation that you should have with John, not me.  Have a good day."

    We have spoken to a lawyer and we really need to have a "smoking gun" to get any custody changes...thank you state of Florida...the text messages aren't truly enough at this point. But thanks for the advice. :)
    Its not the age, its the mileage
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited July 2016
    Knottie1465252831 said:
    photokitty said:
    Knottie1465252831 said:
    So background here, this woman was never married to my fiancee. And let's be very clear, she is not a nice person. For many years she has played a very nasty game of "use the children for leverage" to get what she wants. She's also a drinker whom after a few drinks tends to shoot off a chain of nasty text messages to my fiancee at all hours of the night. (Classy, I know)

    Since I have come on the scene a year or so ago, she has toned down the threats. I think she realizes she not going to win with me since I don't pay into her drama. However, when we announced our engagement, her response was she "better be invited to the wedding or she's crashing it". Both daughters (both under 12) are going to be in the wedding and they are super excited about it. I love them dearly and they are great kids. The mother has never been openly nasty to me directly, but she has said things to my fiancee and his family about me that were just none of her business. My fiancee loves his children desperately and is very involved in their daily lives...so interaction with her is common, but I can see this might come to a head as we get closer to the wedding next year.

    Should I be the bigger person and invite her, hoping she doesn't cause a scene/ruin the day? Or do I risk creating a s*#tstorm by telling her she will not be invited? What is the etiquette here? How can I avoid creating a problem? Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks!
    What does your fiance day about it? I'd let him decide and handle it. Whether they were married or not is irrelevant. If she has custody, make sure you plan the wedding during his designated visitation.

    Personally, I'd invite her, since it sounds like it could affect the relationship. I'd have security in car she got out of hand. I would be more concerned about having a good relationship with the girls and my co-parent than whether or not she attends. I wouldn't be happy about it, but if my FI want her invited I would definitely invite her and stay out of the conversation he has with her.
    My only concern with your advice is she has a long history of using the girls as leverage and I feel like if we give in, she will once again be the one dictating the rules. She doesn't have sole custody, but she doesn't abide by the visitation agreement either. Again, its all about leverage. She likes to pull and tug EVERYONE at her whim. It drives my FI crazy and he hates having to deal with it. At some point, the girls' mother has to learn that its not all about "her way or the highway" right? 

    My FI thoughts on the matter are this...she is not invited. They are his children too. He doubts she would ask permission if she was the one getting married, nor would be object. If she throws a tantrum and says the girls are not going to be in the wedding then, he said that he is going to tell her that SHE will explain to the girls why they can't be in the wedding with him the room so there is no shenanigans. But I am hoping to avoid that. neutral:
    Unless you or your FI have told her she isn't invited it's not giving in.

    Personally, if I was your FI, I'd sit down with her and talk about a co-parenting plan. What I'd the setup and schedule going to be now that you will legally be his wife. 

    It sounds like a lot of adulting is needed on all sides. The girls will soon be teens, if you are at odds with each other, it's not going to bring the girls closer to any of you.

    I'd invite her and act like it was bc you want to be strong co-parents, not bc she always wins. Your FI isn't acting like an adult saying he'll make her explain in front of him tho the girls why they can't attend. Both parents need to behave like adults.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    This is not your problem.  It is your FI's problem.  Let him handle it.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    CMGragain said:
    This is not your problem.  It is your FI's problem.  Let him handle it.
    How is the OP supposed to do that if this woman directly accosts her, which she's said this woman does?
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    STARMOON44 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    This is not your problem.  It is your FI's problem.  Let him handle it.
    How is the OP supposed to do that if this woman directly accosts her, which she's said this woman does?
    By walking away, refusing to discuss it, and telling her to talk to FI

    Stuck in box

    Which she says she's tried before without success.

    I would just not invite her or even let her know when the wedding date is.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    What a weirdo!  Why would she even want to go anyway?  I wouldn't want to go to an ex's wedding if there was animosity between us.  Maybe if we were still good friends but, even then, I doubt I'd want to.  It sounds like she already knows or suspects she wouldn't be invited, hence the "I better be..." threat.

    PPs have given great advice.  Especially about leaving this wholly in his court, which it sounds like you are doing. 

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  • MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    While I agree with PP that you need a co-parenting plan, it should not need to involve your wedding. This is about what you and your fiance want, not what she wants. If you don't want her invited: don't invite her, schedule it during your custody time, and let your fiance deal with her on the topic. 

    You have a long haul with this woman in your life... no need to engage with her. It's not worth the drama.


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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie1465252831 said:
    Thank you everyone for all the advice. We have done much of what everyone suggested...co-parenting plan is in place...but there is truly no way to force someone to be reasonable, civil, or an adult. At this point, we am going to hope for the best and plan for the worst.

    And frankly, my FI has bent over backward for this woman just to ensure civility and perhaps if this is the tipping point then so be it.

    Claiming there needs to be adulting on both sides is inaccurate...confronting this woman with her own hypocrisy may be the only route if SHE forces the issue. If she continues to demand to go to our wedding, by leveraging her daughters' involvement, then that is her fault and she should own that result.

    We have planned the wedding on the weekend (we have the kids every weekend year round) and it should all work out in the end. Ya'll...pray for me. :)


    So, it sounds like there is a court mandated order on custody if you have them every weekend.  Have it ready if she tries to hold onto the girls that weekend.  Call the non-emergency police phone number and they should go to the mom's house and force her to turn the girls over to you for your mandated weekend.

    Also, it might be worth it to give a white lie to daughters and the mom on what weekend the wedding actually is.  Now, this was for my sister's surprise bridal shower, but the same could work for you.  My sister thought the shower was going to be two weeks later than it was.  She worked most weekends and I had to give her the date of the shower.  My sister's daughter was around 10 at the time and a terrible secret keeper!  So she also thought the shower was the same day as my sister.  I fed my sister a line to get her off on the day of the actual shower, but that doesn't really matter for your purposes.  But the morning of the actual shower, which my niece was helping me plan, my sister's FI woke up my niece by saying its time to get up because mommy's bridal shower was today!  She was so thrilled that she didn't care about the little white lie.  Now that's something to discuss with your FI, but it could keep the ex away and not even knowing the true date/time of the wedding.

    I hope everything does go smoothly for you, but sometimes planning for the worse case scenario and how you will navigate it ahead of time, can make everything go easier.  The plan is in place - if x happens, y is the solution.  If a happens, b is the solution.

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  • Knottie1461702511Knottie1461702511 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I second lying about the actual date. Let her think it's a week later than it is. That'll learn her!
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