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Enforcing RSVP deadline

[Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I'm getting married September 10th and set August 5th as my rsvp date for my 80 guests. Most of my guests already knew the date and were making travel plans prior to me sending invites. I chose an earlier date bc the venue is a beautiful old house with a lot of space but I need plenty of time to work with the caterer on seating plans, where to set up DJ, etc. Two separate couples (4 people total) have not yet rsvp'd even though I confirmed with both they received the invite and they both said they are checking with their significant others and would get back to me soon. Deadline is a week away and I wouldn't be upset if they don't attend. I would really hate to nudge them more than once already, if I don't hear back is it ok to assume they aren't attending and if I do hear from them a week or to later is it rude to say I'm sorry but bc of the venue and caterer we can't make any adjustments? What have people done in this situation. 
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Re: Enforcing RSVP deadline

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    If you were them how would you be annoyed that someone checked in with them? If 95% of your guests responded it's not pushy at all to make sure the 4 that didn't got the invite.
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  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    On August 6th, call them and ask for their rsvp.  I'm super impressed that you've received so responses already your guests are rock stars.  One week out I had a good 30 people to call  :s
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    So calling someone to make sure they received an invite is bugging someone? I didn't ask for their rsvp or for them to tell me if they are attending. So I should have waited until the deadline to possibly find out it never arrived? Really don't need people's opinions about something I already did that I feel comfortable and fine with.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    Did I ever say I was mad? I'm not going to go into detail about why I set an earlier RSVP date and MANY people here advised me against it and I did it anyway and have received all yes responses except 4 which I mentioned above. Two weeks is not plenty sufficient for my venue btw bc it's not a catered hall with rentals and everything already in place. You can't compare an 80 person wedding with a 175 person wedding, I would obviously not have 40 people to call bc that's half my guest list.
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  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    madamerwin said:
    Knottie1469828885 said:
    So calling someone to make sure they received an invite is bugging someone? I didn't ask for their rsvp or for them to tell me if they are attending. So I should have waited until the deadline to possibly find out it never arrived? Really don't need people's opinions about something I already did that I feel comfortable and fine with.
    Yes, it is, when the RSVP deadline has not even passed yet. You do not need to call any of your invitees until your RSVP deadline has passed. That is the entire point of having RSVPs - so that people can confirm that they got the invitation and can tell you whether or not they can attend. Count me as another person who would be annoyed if someone started bugging me about whether I was attending before the RSVP deadline - and calling to "confirm they got the invitation" is a convoluted way to ask whether they are attending without straight-up asking.

    Setting an RSVP deadline over 5 weeks out also means that there will be guests who just don't know yet whether they can attend. In fact, I would let the RSVP deadline pass, wait a week, and THEN call anyone who didn't respond. If you do that, you'll still have a full month to work out your seating chart and catering numbers.

    Knottie1469828885 said:
    Deadline is a week away and I wouldn't be upset if they don't attend. I would really hate to nudge them more than once already, if I don't hear back is it ok to assume they aren't attending and if I do hear from them a week or to later is it rude to say I'm sorry but bc of the venue and caterer we can't make any adjustments? What have people done in this situation. 
    Well, you shouldn't have "nudged" them before the RSVP deadline ("nudged" does also imply you were trying to get their RSVP, so don't try to say you just wanted to make sure they got the invite, because you were clearly trying to find out whether they were coming).

    You need to be prepared to call any guest from whom you have not received an RSVP after the deadline to get their answer. Pick up the phone and say "Hi cousin, I noticed that we did not receive an RSVP from you for our wedding; will you be able to attend?" If they still don't know, you tell them that you need a response by X date (shit, give them another week), or else you will assume they cannot make it.

    The bolded is definitely not ok. If someone comes back late with a "yes" RSVP, be a gracious host and figure out how to accommodate them. Most caterers don't need final numbers until about a week before the event, and even if you get an RSVP slightly later, most can accommodate a couple extra people.

    In short: 
    1. You should not have set an RSVP deadline 5.5 weeks before your wedding. Not everyone knows that far in advance whether they will be able to attend an event.
    2. Wait until AFTER the RSVP deadline has passed to start calling people who didn't respond. Wait a few days, since there's a good chance some people waited until the deadline to send it in.
    3. Call everyone who has not responded and at that point confirm they got the invite and ask if they can attend; If they are not sure yet, ask them to let you know withing a week.
    4. Do not assume that anyone you heard from is not coming, and be prepared for the possibility that someone will have a change-of-mind or late "yes" RSVP. Do not turn any invited guests away because they were late sending an RSVP for your super-early deadline.

    ETA clarity
    QFT.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    Thanks for your "detailed" advice. What I find most surprising about this site and forum is that everyone assumes you're having a cookie cutter wedding where two-three weeks is enough time and so any advice is based on cookie cutter timing i.e. "Two weeks is more than enough". All I really needed to hear I heard in the second response, "wait until August 6th and call" 

    i dont need a lesson telling me when you set your RSVP 5 weeks out some guests won't know if they can come. I'm not complaining about guests not rsvping early, I'm talking about 4 people and whether to talk to them again after the date and at what point is it ok to not be able to accommodate them - two questions already answered without having to hear about what would have offended them or when they received invites for other weddings on the same date.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    OurWildKingdom said:
    madamerwin said:
    Knottie1469828885 said:
    So calling someone to make sure they received an invite is bugging someone? I didn't ask for their rsvp or for them to tell me if they are attending. So I should have waited until the deadline to possibly find out it never arrived? Really don't need people's opinions about something I already did that I feel comfortable and fine with.
    Yes, it is, when the RSVP deadline has not even passed yet. You do not need to call any of your invitees until your RSVP deadline has passed. That is the entire point of having RSVPs - so that people can confirm that they got the invitation and can tell you whether or not they can attend. Count me as another person who would be annoyed if someone started bugging me about whether I was attending before the RSVP deadline - and calling to "confirm they got the invitation" is a convoluted way to ask whether they are attending without straight-up asking.

    Setting an RSVP deadline over 5 weeks out also means that there will be guests who just don't know yet whether they can attend. In fact, I would let the RSVP deadline pass, wait a week, and THEN call anyone who didn't respond. If you do that, you'll still have a full month to work out your seating chart and catering numbers.

    Knottie1469828885 said:
    Deadline is a week away and I wouldn't be upset if they don't attend. I would really hate to nudge them more than once already, if I don't hear back is it ok to assume they aren't attending and if I do hear from them a week or to later is it rude to say I'm sorry but bc of the venue and caterer we can't make any adjustments? What have people done in this situation. 
    Well, you shouldn't have "nudged" them before the RSVP deadline ("nudged" does also imply you were trying to get their RSVP, so don't try to say you just wanted to make sure they got the invite, because you were clearly trying to find out whether they were coming).

    You need to be prepared to call any guest from whom you have not received an RSVP after the deadline to get their answer. Pick up the phone and say "Hi cousin, I noticed that we did not receive an RSVP from you for our wedding; will you be able to attend?" If they still don't know, you tell them that you need a response by X date (shit, give them another week), or else you will assume they cannot make it.

    The bolded is definitely not ok. If someone comes back late with a "yes" RSVP, be a gracious host and figure out how to accommodate them. Most caterers don't need final numbers until about a week before the event, and even if you get an RSVP slightly later, most can accommodate a couple extra people.

    In short: 
    1. You should not have set an RSVP deadline 5.5 weeks before your wedding. Not everyone knows that far in advance whether they will be able to attend an event.
    2. Wait until AFTER the RSVP deadline has passed to start calling people who didn't respond. Wait a few days, since there's a good chance some people waited until the deadline to send it in.
    3. Call everyone who has not responded and at that point confirm they got the invite and ask if they can attend; If they are not sure yet, ask them to let you know withing a week.
    4. Do not assume that anyone you heard from is not coming, and be prepared for the possibility that someone will have a change-of-mind or late "yes" RSVP. Do not turn any invited guests away because they were late sending an RSVP for your super-early deadline.

    ETA clarity
    QFT.
    Even then they might not tell you that they are coming until they show up at the reception, expecting to be seated, fed, and entertained. 

    So I agree with this up to a point. The OP needs to wait until the actual deadline listed on her invitations to start making calls to find out if any guests who haven't responded are coming, but she does not need to plan for every single invited guest to come just because someone who RSVPd "no" or never RSVPd at all may show up. I think it is fair and reasonable to let guests without RSVPs know, after the original deadline, that they have to give a firm answer by a final deadline closer to the wedding date; otherwise the OP will have to assume that they aren't coming and will not be able to accommodate them at the wedding.


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  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2016
    Jen4948 said:
    OurWildKingdom said:
    madamerwin said:
    Knottie1469828885 said:
    So calling someone to make sure they received an invite is bugging someone? I didn't ask for their rsvp or for them to tell me if they are attending. So I should have waited until the deadline to possibly find out it never arrived? Really don't need people's opinions about something I already did that I feel comfortable and fine with.
    Yes, it is, when the RSVP deadline has not even passed yet. You do not need to call any of your invitees until your RSVP deadline has passed. That is the entire point of having RSVPs - so that people can confirm that they got the invitation and can tell you whether or not they can attend. Count me as another person who would be annoyed if someone started bugging me about whether I was attending before the RSVP deadline - and calling to "confirm they got the invitation" is a convoluted way to ask whether they are attending without straight-up asking.

    Setting an RSVP deadline over 5 weeks out also means that there will be guests who just don't know yet whether they can attend. In fact, I would let the RSVP deadline pass, wait a week, and THEN call anyone who didn't respond. If you do that, you'll still have a full month to work out your seating chart and catering numbers.

    Knottie1469828885 said:
    Deadline is a week away and I wouldn't be upset if they don't attend. I would really hate to nudge them more than once already, if I don't hear back is it ok to assume they aren't attending and if I do hear from them a week or to later is it rude to say I'm sorry but bc of the venue and caterer we can't make any adjustments? What have people done in this situation. 
    Well, you shouldn't have "nudged" them before the RSVP deadline ("nudged" does also imply you were trying to get their RSVP, so don't try to say you just wanted to make sure they got the invite, because you were clearly trying to find out whether they were coming).

    You need to be prepared to call any guest from whom you have not received an RSVP after the deadline to get their answer. Pick up the phone and say "Hi cousin, I noticed that we did not receive an RSVP from you for our wedding; will you be able to attend?" If they still don't know, you tell them that you need a response by X date (shit, give them another week), or else you will assume they cannot make it.

    The bolded is definitely not ok. If someone comes back late with a "yes" RSVP, be a gracious host and figure out how to accommodate them. Most caterers don't need final numbers until about a week before the event, and even if you get an RSVP slightly later, most can accommodate a couple extra people.

    In short: 
    1. You should not have set an RSVP deadline 5.5 weeks before your wedding. Not everyone knows that far in advance whether they will be able to attend an event.
    2. Wait until AFTER the RSVP deadline has passed to start calling people who didn't respond. Wait a few days, since there's a good chance some people waited until the deadline to send it in.
    3. Call everyone who has not responded and at that point confirm they got the invite and ask if they can attend; If they are not sure yet, ask them to let you know withing a week.
    4. Do not assume that anyone you heard from is not coming, and be prepared for the possibility that someone will have a change-of-mind or late "yes" RSVP. Do not turn any invited guests away because they were late sending an RSVP for your super-early deadline.

    ETA clarity
    QFT.
    Even then they might not tell you that they are coming until they show up at the reception, expecting to be seated, fed, and entertained. 

    So I agree with this up to a point. The OP needs to wait until the actual deadline listed on her invitations to start making calls to find out if any guests who haven't responded are coming, but she does not need to plan for every single invited guest to come just because someone who RSVPd "no" or never RSVPd at all may show up.

    I think it is fair and reasonable to let guests without RSVPs know, after the original deadline, that they have to give a firm answer by a final deadline closer to the wedding date; otherwise the OP will have to assume that they aren't coming and will not be able to accommodate them at the wedding.


    Yeah, that's not what I said. I said that she should not assume that someone who does not RSVP at all is not coming, or tell them they can't come if they RSVP past the deadline. Of course she shouldn't plan for 100% attendance of "no" RSVPs, that's ridiculous.

    ETA to the second bolded, separated in the quotes: This is exactly what I did say... Are you just arguing for the sake of argument?
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    Again with the assumptions! Can't people just give advice without commenting on things they now nothing about? As of now all guests fit in the main parlor floor of the venue, if that's all it is great. An extra 4 would mean utilizing additional space and I'm not going to seat 4 people alone in would table so I would have to move additional guests there, move the DJ, order additional florals etc. how is two weeks enough for people when my final floral deposit is due next Monday and I can't make any adjustments after that? I don't understand people's desire to give their two cents about something I never asked for.
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    While I agree that the OPs RSVP date is quite early, I do not think that if a guest RSVPs "No" or fails to RSVP after the deadline, after having been told by the hosts, "Please let us know by X date", that the guest needs to be accommodated should the guest change their mind before the event. That's the point of RSVPs... to know who is coming and who isn't for planning, otherwise, hosts would plan assuming every guest is a yes.

    OP- Do not contact these people again until after your RSVP date. If they do not have an answer for you, let them know you will require a response by X date or you will assume "No". Give them until the latest possible date to respond.

    I don't see how this has anything to do with being "cookie cutter" or not. When you are ordering food and chairs and planning out the room, you have enough of a ballpark number to order accurately- final numbers should not be needed until much closer to the date. 4 people should also not be breaking your plans. If the space is that cramped that one table of guests affects where the DJ goes, then I think there are other issues.
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  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    SP29 said:
    While I agree that the OPs RSVP date is quite early, I do not think that if a guest RSVPs "No" or fails to RSVP after the deadline, after having been told by the hosts, "Please let us know by X date", that the guest needs to be accommodated should the guest change their mind before the event. That's the point of RSVPs... to know who is coming and who isn't for planning, otherwise, hosts would plan assuming every guest is a yes.

    OP- Do not contact these people again until after your RSVP date. If they do not have an answer for you, let them know you will require a response by X date or you will assume "No". Give them until the latest possible date to respond.

    I don't see how this has anything to do with being "cookie cutter" or not. When you are ordering food and chairs and planning out the room, you have enough of a ballpark number to order accurately- final numbers should not be needed until much closer to the date. 4 people should also not be breaking your plans. If the space is that cramped that one table of guests affects where the DJ goes, then I think there are other issues.
    I agree. I was saying that OP should not assume it's a "no" RSVP if she has heard nothing from a guest, and then tell them they cannot come if they RSVP yes after the deadline. But that can all be avoided by doing what everyone has advised - calling everyone after the deadline, getting their answer, or at least letting them know they need to reply by X date or you will count them as a "no." Of course you don't need to accommodate everyone who changes their minds; but you also shouldn't assume someone isn't coming if you don't know one way or the other.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Holy crap, that was a fast deleted user...
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    madamerwin said:
    Jen4948 said:
    OurWildKingdom said:
    madamerwin said:
    Knottie1469828885 said:
    So calling someone to make sure they received an invite is bugging someone? I didn't ask for their rsvp or for them to tell me if they are attending. So I should have waited until the deadline to possibly find out it never arrived? Really don't need people's opinions about something I already did that I feel comfortable and fine with.
    Yes, it is, when the RSVP deadline has not even passed yet. You do not need to call any of your invitees until your RSVP deadline has passed. That is the entire point of having RSVPs - so that people can confirm that they got the invitation and can tell you whether or not they can attend. Count me as another person who would be annoyed if someone started bugging me about whether I was attending before the RSVP deadline - and calling to "confirm they got the invitation" is a convoluted way to ask whether they are attending without straight-up asking.

    Setting an RSVP deadline over 5 weeks out also means that there will be guests who just don't know yet whether they can attend. In fact, I would let the RSVP deadline pass, wait a week, and THEN call anyone who didn't respond. If you do that, you'll still have a full month to work out your seating chart and catering numbers.

    Knottie1469828885 said:
    Deadline is a week away and I wouldn't be upset if they don't attend. I would really hate to nudge them more than once already, if I don't hear back is it ok to assume they aren't attending and if I do hear from them a week or to later is it rude to say I'm sorry but bc of the venue and caterer we can't make any adjustments? What have people done in this situation. 
    Well, you shouldn't have "nudged" them before the RSVP deadline ("nudged" does also imply you were trying to get their RSVP, so don't try to say you just wanted to make sure they got the invite, because you were clearly trying to find out whether they were coming).

    You need to be prepared to call any guest from whom you have not received an RSVP after the deadline to get their answer. Pick up the phone and say "Hi cousin, I noticed that we did not receive an RSVP from you for our wedding; will you be able to attend?" If they still don't know, you tell them that you need a response by X date (shit, give them another week), or else you will assume they cannot make it.

    The bolded is definitely not ok. If someone comes back late with a "yes" RSVP, be a gracious host and figure out how to accommodate them. Most caterers don't need final numbers until about a week before the event, and even if you get an RSVP slightly later, most can accommodate a couple extra people.

    In short: 
    1. You should not have set an RSVP deadline 5.5 weeks before your wedding. Not everyone knows that far in advance whether they will be able to attend an event.
    2. Wait until AFTER the RSVP deadline has passed to start calling people who didn't respond. Wait a few days, since there's a good chance some people waited until the deadline to send it in.
    3. Call everyone who has not responded and at that point confirm they got the invite and ask if they can attend; If they are not sure yet, ask them to let you know withing a week.
    4. Do not assume that anyone you heard from is not coming, and be prepared for the possibility that someone will have a change-of-mind or late "yes" RSVP. Do not turn any invited guests away because they were late sending an RSVP for your super-early deadline.

    ETA clarity
    QFT.
    Even then they might not tell you that they are coming until they show up at the reception, expecting to be seated, fed, and entertained. 

    So I agree with this up to a point. The OP needs to wait until the actual deadline listed on her invitations to start making calls to find out if any guests who haven't responded are coming, but she does not need to plan for every single invited guest to come just because someone who RSVPd "no" or never RSVPd at all may show up.

    I think it is fair and reasonable to let guests without RSVPs know, after the original deadline, that they have to give a firm answer by a final deadline closer to the wedding date; otherwise the OP will have to assume that they aren't coming and will not be able to accommodate them at the wedding.


    Yeah, that's not what I said. I said that she should not assume that someone who does not RSVP at all is not coming, or tell them they can't come if they RSVP past the deadline. Of course she shouldn't plan for 100% attendance of "no" RSVPs, that's ridiculous.

    ETA to the second bolded, separated in the quotes: This is exactly what I did say... Are you just arguing for the sake of argument?
    Actually, no. I agree with you.
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    madamerwin said:
    Knottie1469828885 said:
    Again with the assumptions! Can't people just give advice without commenting on things they now nothing about? As of now all guests fit in the main parlor floor of the venue, if that's all it is great. An extra 4 would mean utilizing additional space and I'm not going to seat 4 people alone in would table so I would have to move additional guests there, move the DJ, order additional florals etc. how is two weeks enough for people when my final floral deposit is due next Monday and I can't make any adjustments after that? I don't understand people's desire to give their two cents about something I never asked for.
    If you post information, people will comment on it, whether or not it's specifically what you were asking for. If you do not want feedback on various aspects of your plans, don't post them.

    As for your venue: It's not really cool to seat some people on a different floor. I know as of now you say that everyone fits on the main floor, but you should have chosen a venue that fit everyone in the same space. If 10 more people RSVP "yes" by your deadline, and you have to move some people upstairs, the people who are upstairs and away from the rest of the guests will feel like they are second class. Obviously it's too late to change your venue, but for the sake of lurkers: Do not choose a venue that does not accommodate all of your guests in the same space.

    As for your florist: You really cannot adjust the number of centerpieces/arrangements closer than FIVE weeks out? Your deposit is due, not your entire payment. They will not need your final numbers for centerpieces until closer to the wedding. Pay the deposit as though everyone you have not heard from is coming, and if you have to adjust the number down later, then you will just owe less when you pay off the balance. If your florist is insisting on final arrangement counts this soon, I would push back - there is no reason they need to know how many centerpieces you need give weeks out.

    ETA missing words - cannot type today
    This. As I was saying, if 4 people is going to make or break your seating/food/whatever plans, there are bigger issues.

    OP (well lurkers I guess, because OP is gone...)- if you mention something in a post, people will comment on it, because YOU brought it up. Your post could have simply been, "I'm still waiting on 4 people to respond and the RSVP deadline is one week away. How long do I wait until I can call them to get a firm answer?".
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    SaintPaulGal said:
    [Deleted User] said:
    Again with the assumptions! Can't people just give advice without commenting on things they now nothing about? As of now all guests fit in the main parlor floor of the venue, if that's all it is great. An extra 4 would mean utilizing additional space and I'm not going to seat 4 people alone in would table so I would have to move additional guests there, move the DJ, order additional florals etc. how is two weeks enough for people when my final floral deposit is due next Monday and I can't make any adjustments after that? I don't understand people's desire to give their two cents about something I never asked for.
    Wait...so your florist is going to refuse to allow you to pay them more money and buy more things at any point within 5 weeks of your wedding.  Something about that sounds fishy...

    It's why I always use the "Funeral Analogy" - With florists you can walk in today and order enough flowers for an entire banquet hall event with payment today for an event on this coming Tuesday without much issue.  But OP didn't stick around to find out that s/he is just making stress/drama for themselves (while it's ideal to order early and have the florist booked ahead of time, you won't go without flowers, and even if you're one table off, no one is going to do anything other than shrug!)
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