Wedding Woes

Starting off with a bummer of a letter.

Dear Prudence,
I was abused by my husband for our entire marriage. He was an alcoholic with a hair-trigger temper: Anything from not making his hamburger the right way to losing the remote could make him fly off the handle. He didn’t hit our girls until they got older and tried to intervene. When my eldest was 14, she got knocked out trying to protect me, and my youngest ran across the road and called 911. The police came. My eldest had a concussion and a broken arm—in the hospital, she begged me to press charges against their father and go away with them. I didn’t. Child protective services got involved, and all attempts at reconciling the family failed. My daughters refused to see their father after this and loudly tried to provoke him every time we went to court. They both ended up staying with their English teacher until they graduated high school. I rarely saw them. They told me that I needed to choose, and I didn’t choose them. I follow them on Facebook: One went into the military, and the other is a successful translator. Their father died a few years ago, and they did not come to the funeral. I have since been in therapy and started rescuing dogs. I want to reach out to my girls again. I am afraid they will still be angry at me for my abuse and silence. Do you think there is any hope?

—Reconciliation Holdout

Re: Starting off with a bummer of a letter.

  • I'm with @charlotte989875, it sounds like we had very similar childhoods. Tbh, I still have anger towards my mum for not leaving though generally we are on good terms now. This situation had actual physical abuse so it's on another level. LW doesnt seem to have done a whole lot  before now, and I wonder why that is. I feel like if I were in her daughters shoes I'd probably feel very bitter that my mum allowed me to drift away without trying to stay in my life. I can't imagine how alone and let down the girls in this situation must feel. Sounds like LW has a long road ahead of her IF she chooses to take it. 
                 
  • agree that LW has a long road ahead of her if she chooses it. However, she was abused too. I'm not personally familiar with abuse, but doesn't the abused often form attachments to the abuser so that they just don't get up a leave. I am in no way excusing how her daughters were treated. I would like to think if I were in the same situation, I would get the hell out. But I don't know because I've never been in that situation. @kimmiinthemitten I don't think she let her girls move out, I think CPS took them and the teacher offered to have them live with her.
  • One of her last lines is "I am afraid they will still be angry at me for my abuse and silence".  Not her husband's abuse, her abuse.  Did she also abuse them?  Or do we think that's a typo?  Or am I just having a reading fail?  Is her abuse the fact that she did nothing to protect them in an abusive environment?

  • lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    kerbohl said:
    One of her last lines is "I am afraid they will still be angry at me for my abuse and silence".  Not her husband's abuse, her abuse.  Did she also abuse them?  Or do we think that's a typo?  Or am I just having a reading fail?  Is her abuse the fact that she did nothing to protect them in an abusive environment?
    I read this as LW accepting responsibility for not intervening when her children were being abused, thus, being party to the abuse. 
  • @lc07 Ah, that does make sense.  I was confused by the mention of both her abuse and her silence in the same sentence - made it seem like two different things.  I've been doing too much editing today and am seeing things that aren't there.

  • This makes my blood boil. She did nothing to protect her children. She stood by and watch them get beaten. Now she writes a boohoo woe to me letter that's all about her???!!! The women she gave birth to (she has no right to call them her children) were absolutely right to cut her out of their lives. They are obviously better off without her. 

  • agree that LW has a long road ahead of her if she chooses it. However, she was abused too. I'm not personally familiar with abuse, but doesn't the abused often form attachments to the abuser so that they just don't get up a leave. I am in no way excusing how her daughters were treated. I would like to think if I were in the same situation, I would get the hell out. But I don't know because I've never been in that situation. @kimmiinthemitten I don't think she let her girls move out, I think CPS took them and the teacher offered to have them live with her.

    SITB
     
     It's hard to imagine a scenario where the state was involved and allowed a teacher to take guardianship, that's why I assumed they chose to move after CPS was involved.  

    IMO being a victim as an adult is not enough to absolve yourself from the backlash of allowing your children to be victims as well.  And her letter certainly doesn't seem like she's done the self work to realize this is her doing and that with choices comes repercussions beyond your control. She seems to feels bad, but not because she's not involved.

    My BIL lives wth his parents growing up which included an abusive alcoholic dad.   While he gets along with his parents still, it's not perfect. He was harassed when he sought counseling for trying to fix their family and his mom tries to absolve herself of any responsibility for raising her children in that environment by saying things like "it wasn't that bad."  
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  • agree that LW has a long road ahead of her if she chooses it. However, she was abused too. I'm not personally familiar with abuse, but doesn't the abused often form attachments to the abuser so that they just don't get up a leave. I am in no way excusing how her daughters were treated. I would like to think if I were in the same situation, I would get the hell out. But I don't know because I've never been in that situation. @kimmiinthemitten I don't think she let her girls move out, I think CPS took them and the teacher offered to have them live with her.
    I think the bold bears repeating.  A person that has been abused for many years can be severely psychologically/emotionally warped.  They don't see things rationally and can be emotionally stunted.  It's not an excuse, and the daughters have every right to refuse to talk to their mom.  They were abused by their father and essentially abandoned by their mother.  They don't have to allow her back in their life.  But I just think it's important not to overly demonize the mother since she was also abused.  

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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I think LW can reach out if she wants, but I would not expect a positive result.

    I agree that Mom has a lot more work to do; while she was also a victim of abuse, she didn't do anything to protect her children and doesn't seem to fully grasp that she allowed her children to be abused.
  • monkeysip said:
    agree that LW has a long road ahead of her if she chooses it. However, she was abused too. I'm not personally familiar with abuse, but doesn't the abused often form attachments to the abuser so that they just don't get up a leave. I am in no way excusing how her daughters were treated. I would like to think if I were in the same situation, I would get the hell out. But I don't know because I've never been in that situation. @kimmiinthemitten I don't think she let her girls move out, I think CPS took them and the teacher offered to have them live with her.
    I think the bold bears repeating.  A person that has been abused for many years can be severely psychologically/emotionally warped.  They don't see things rationally and can be emotionally stunted.  It's not an excuse, and the daughters have every right to refuse to talk to their mom.  They were abused by their father and essentially abandoned by their mother.  They don't have to allow her back in their life.  But I just think it's important not to overly demonize the mother since she was also abused.  
    I don't disagree which is why I said:

    "IMO being a victim as an adult is not enough to absolve yourself from the backlash of allowing your children to be victims as well.  And her letter certainly doesn't seem like she's done the self work to realize this is her doing and that with choices comes repercussions beyond your control."

    She was too a victim, but in her victim hood, she allowed other people she was supposed to protect to be hurt too.  From the tone of her letter, she doesn't seem ready or willing to fully accept responsibility for her parts and therefore she should be prepared for her children to not offer a warm embrace.

    Can you imagine what everyone's responses were if the LW was one of the daughters stating their mother just reached out through FB to say she wants to reconnect after what sounds to be a decade with no contact and no acknowledgement for her own behavior?  I'm guessing people wouldn't be so kind on the mother then.
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