"Good on paper" means shit if you're not happy

Re: "Good on paper" means shit if you're not happy

• missJeanLouise member

  

  August 2016

  I would plan a solo vacation, just to get myself in order. Journal, soul search, and get a plan together. But that is just how I roll, people have different processes for these type of things. 
  
  

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  August 2016

  You don't need a reason other than "this is not the right relationship for me right now and I think we should no longer see each other". Then spend sometime getting your stuff figured out. 

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• bleve0821 member

  

  August 2016

  Breakups are always hard, but if either party involved in the relationship isn't happy, for whatever reason, it's time to move on.  If LW is "virtually certain this breakup is what [she] want[s]," then I don't really think there's anything to discuss or think about.  It's not necessarily about soul-searching or alone time.
  
  I dated a guy once who was perfect on paper, but I was miserable.  He was a wonderful man, smart, charming, funny.  He didn't treat me badly, but the relationship was one-sided, and I didn't see a future with him.  It killed me to end it, just because I knew how much he'd hurt.  He absolutely felt ambushed, there was no getting around it.  But I was so much happier after the relationship ended.  So I completely understand where LW is coming from.
  
  At this point, this relationship is fair for no one, due to no one's fault.  LW just needs to take the plunge, sooner, rather than later, and before the BF gets even more emotionally invested in the relationship.  

  
  

  "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
  

  --Philip Pullman

  
  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  August 2016

  I don't understand why people place such a high value on having a 'reason' to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. 
  
  If you search too long for a reason, you stay unhappy in a relationship or you end up pretending to move to Yemen. 

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• VarunaTT member

  

  August 2016

  Well, this letter is frightening as hell just b/c of my personal situation.
  
  Anyway, sometimes I wish that relationships would have the same caveat as employment, "at-will." You don't need a reason at all to end a relationship, just end it.  I keep explaining to people that, "You're an adult...you don't have to haev an answer or explanation."  Although, "I don't feel a connection anymore" is one helluva good reason.

  �

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• DrillSergeantCat member

  

  August 2016

  In 11 days is my 2 year anniversary of me leaving my husband of almost 18 years. I had contemplated leaving several times over the years, but just had a nagging feeling that if I didn't do it soon, I would never do it. I guess I was looking for permission. I found a book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. That was the situation I was in. My relationship was great "on paper." To outsiders I had it easy, but they didn't see the constant questioning of my fidelity, how he would (jokingly in his mind) tell me he'd be happier without me, throwing in my face something I said to him 20 years prior when I was a stupid kid, and the contempt that had settled in. He had no idea it was coming. I still feel bad about 
  
  There's never a good way to end a relationship. Someone is always on the "losing" side. Someone is going to feel ambushed. There's not a lot you can do about that other than stay in an unsatisfactory relationship and slowly die inside. I don't recommend that. 
  
  LW just bite the bullet, pull the trigger, whatever other cliche term you can think of to mean just do it. You're not going to be happy if you don't.

  

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• kvruns member

  

  August 2016

  my only concern is that LW says she's been in relationships her entire adult life so I wonder if she broke up would she really take the time necessary to be alone and figure herself out or would she end up in another relationship a month later

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• ShesSoCold mod

  

  August 2016

  I agree with PPs that there shouldn't be a need for a "reason".

  I've basically never been single. I'm as happy as I could be with H but a small part of me periodically wishes I'd have been single before him. I'm sure I'd have been a train wreck but it probably would have been good for me.

  
  

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• kimmiinthemitten member

  

  August 2016

  DrillSergeantCat said:

  In 11 days is my 2 year anniversary of me leaving my husband of almost 18 years.
  

  Didn't you read the other letter?  You're clearly in no position to be engaged again!!! </sarcasm>

  
  

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• glasgowtolondon member

  

  August 2016

  This exact thing happened in my previous relationship. He was a great guy, treated me so well, I had no cause for complaint. After a while it just became apparent that I didn't love him. We were more like roommates. He didn't deserve that, and neither did I. I'm pretty sure I broke his heart and I feel badly about it, but isn't it so much worse to just stay put when you don't love someone? Who is that serving? That right there is the reason to leave.

               

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• DrillSergeantCat member

  

  August 2016

  kimmiinthemitten said:

  DrillSergeantCat said:

  In 11 days is my 2 year anniversary of me leaving my husband of almost 18 years.
  

  Didn't you read the other letter?  You're clearly in no position to be engaged again!!! </sarcasm>

  Some jealous bitch better go tell my fiance! 

  

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• ShesSoCold mod

  

  August 2016

  kimmiinthemitten said:

  DrillSergeantCat said:

  In 11 days is my 2 year anniversary of me leaving my husband of almost 18 years.
  

  Didn't you read the other letter?  You're clearly in no position to be engaged again!!! </sarcasm>

  
  This is gonna get real hairy with only four men in the world.

  
  

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• NOLABridesmaid member

  

  August 2016

  You don't need a reason,  but the other person is going to want one. The other person will replay everything in their mind, so usually kinder to give them something to get closure in their minds.

  

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