Do I have to invite?

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

I was originally going to invite my brother and his whole family via one invitation since they all lived together, but I have now found that my niece has moved out on her own. I would like for her to be there and will send her a separate invitation to her own address. My issue is my brother's step-son. He gives me a serious case of the willies and I would prefer not to invite him, but that may offend my SIL. I'm probably answering my own question with the previous sentence, but do I have to invite him?

charlotte989875 · August 2016

How old is your nephew?

If he's an adult, no you don't have to invite him, but seems like you are inviting his entire family and leaving him out. This might cause more hurt feelings than it's worth, especially for your SIL. What's your reasoning for wanting to exclude him?

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

charlotte989875 said:

How old is your nephew?

If he's an adult, no you don't have to invite him, but seems like you are inviting his entire family and leaving him out. This might cause more hurt feelings than it's worth, especially for your SIL. What's your reasoning for wanting to exclude him?

He's 18. I'm inviting his mom and step-dad and one step-sister, but not the other one. I don't want to invite him because he gives me a bad case of the willies and I just don't like being around him. Maybe I should just not invite any of their children?

charlotte989875 · August 2016

DrillSergeantCat said:

charlotte989875 said:

How old is your nephew?

If he's an adult, no you don't have to invite him, but seems like you are inviting his entire family and leaving him out. This might cause more hurt feelings than it's worth, especially for your SIL. What's your reasoning for wanting to exclude him?

He's 18. I'm inviting his mom and step-dad and one step-sister, but not the other one. I don't want to invite him because he gives me a bad case of the willies and I just don't like being around him. Maybe I should just not invite any of their children?

So I think when you split up families like that there is a huge potential for hurt feelings. Yes they are all adults (assuming he's the youngest) but unless you're really close to the step-sister I would say invite all three or none.

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

charlotte989875 said:
So I think when you split up families like that there is a huge potential for hurt feelings. Yes they are all adults (assuming he's the youngest) but unless you're really close to the step-sister I would say invite all three or none.

They're both 18. I've already budgeted for him to be there so I'll invite him. I doubt I'll see him much anyway if he even shows up.

southernbelle0915 · August 2016

I mean technically you aren't splitting families since none of them are minors, right? But you know your family politics best. If it makes more sense to just invite the parents, do that. Unless you're having a really intimate wedding, you may not even notice he's there.

MairePoppy · August 2016

So you are conflicted because that particular nephew still lives with your brother and his wife, while his sister has moved out on her own? I think it's stranger to invite one sibling and not the other, if you have the same type of relationship with both.

Technically, you're fine with inviting your brother and his wife and your niece, with separate invitation. But I'm chicken when it comes to family politics. I'd invite them all. You probably won't even notice the weird nephew.

This question begs to be asked. What is so weird about him?

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

MairePoppy said:

So you are conflicted because that particular nephew still lives with your brother and his wife, while his sister has moved out on her own? I think it's stranger to invite one sibling and not the other, if you have the same type of relationship with both.

Technically, you're fine with inviting your brother and his wife and your niece, with separate invitation. But I'm chicken when it comes to family politics. I'd invite them all. You probably won't even notice the weird nephew.

This question begs to be asked. What is so weird about him?

I just found out that he hasn't even been home in two weeks, so he may not even come. I'm inviting almost 100 people so I doubt I'll even notice if he's there.

He gives off this really weird rapey vibe. I just don't know how else to describe it. Like he hugs too long and leers constantly. My oldest son gets the same kind of vibe from him and has actually said it wouldn't surprise him if he was arrested for rape some day. You know that meme that reads "you ever meet someone and just know they have someone tied up in their basement?" That's the kind of vibe he gives off.

MairePoppy · August 2016

Oooh. I was hoping he was obsessed with clean shoes or had terrible table manners or something like that. If you think he's a threat to the other guests, don't invite him. But what will you say if your brother asks if he's invited?

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

MairePoppy said:

Oooh. I was hoping he was obsessed with clean shoes or had terrible table manners or something like that. If you think he's a threat to the other guests, don't invite him. But what will you say if your brother asks if he's invited?

I don't think he's necessarily a threat to others even though he gives off that vibe. If my brother asks, I'll tell him yes. I really think SIL would be offended if I don't.

Jen4948 · August 2016

I think you should bring the vibe to your brother's attention and ask him for help: "Brother, I'm wondering if you can help me with an issue regarding your stepson. My son and I have noticed X odd behavior on his part and it worries us. While we don't want to upset you and SIL by not inviting him to the wedding, we also don't want anyone at the wedding to made uncomfortable by your stepson's conduct. Can you help us out?"

STARMOON44 · August 2016

Jen4948 said:

I think you should bring the vibe to your brother's attention and ask him for help: "Brother, I'm wondering if you can help me with an issue regarding your stepson. My son and I have noticed X odd behavior on his part and it worries us. While we don't want to upset you and SIL by not inviting him to the wedding, we also don't want anyone at the wedding to made uncomfortable by your stepson's conduct. Can you help us out?"

Lol. Do you honestly see this going well? How, exactly, is he going to help out with a vague vibe?

Jen4948 · August 2016

STARMOON44 said:

Jen4948 said:

I think you should bring the vibe to your brother's attention and ask him for help: "Brother, I'm wondering if you can help me with an issue regarding your stepson. My son and I have noticed X odd behavior on his part and it worries us. While we don't want to upset you and SIL by not inviting him to the wedding, we also don't want anyone at the wedding to made uncomfortable by your stepson's conduct. Can you help us out?"

Lol. Do you honestly see this going well? How, exactly, is he going to help out with a vague vibe?

Neither of us know what the dynamics are. It might or might not be possible for him to speak to his wife and stepson regarding the issue.

There could be a lot of things going on besides what's in the OP.

The solution might be something as simple as the kid's parents telling him, "Back off and quit staring because it's making other people uncomfortable" because he doesn't realize that there's a problem.

Or the stepson's behavior might be due to Aspergers or something where he can't pick up on social cues. If that's the case, some information to that effect from the brother could be helpful.

Then the OP can make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to invite him to the wedding, and how to cope with whatever decision she makes.

But if this guy is capable of understanding that his behavior is problematic but continues to engage in it anyway, and the OP's brother asks why he isn't invited (if she doesn't invite him), she can say to him, "Brother, your stepson is creeping out a lot of people with his behavior, including me and my son. We don't want to make the guests at my wedding uncomfortable by exposing them to his behavior. So we had to make the hard decision not to invite him."

The big question is, is he capable of understanding that, and if so, has anyone told him to stop?

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

Jen4948 said:
Neither of us know what the dynamics are. It might or might not be possible for him to speak to his wife and stepson regarding the issue.

There could be a lot of things going on besides what's in the OP.

The solution might be something as simple as the kid's parents telling him, "Back off and quit staring because it's making other people uncomfortable" because he doesn't realize that there's a problem.

Or the stepson's behavior might be due to Aspergers or something where he can't pick up on social cues. If that's the case, some information to that effect from the brother could be helpful.

Then the OP can make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to invite him to the wedding, and how to cope with whatever decision she makes.

I can't imagine any possible scenario where telling someone that their child gives you the willies would work out well.

Jen4948 · August 2016

DrillSergeantCat said:

Jen4948 said:
Neither of us know what the dynamics are. It might or might not be possible for him to speak to his wife and stepson regarding the issue.

There could be a lot of things going on besides what's in the OP.

The solution might be something as simple as the kid's parents telling him, "Back off and quit staring because it's making other people uncomfortable" because he doesn't realize that there's a problem.

Or the stepson's behavior might be due to Aspergers or something where he can't pick up on social cues. If that's the case, some information to that effect from the brother could be helpful.

Then the OP can make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to invite him to the wedding, and how to cope with whatever decision she makes.

I can't imagine any possible scenario where telling someone that their child gives you the willies would work out well.

It might have to be said anyway -- regardless of how well it works out. Otherwise, other people are going to have to deal with this guy's behavior -- in really bad situations.

charlotte989875 · August 2016

Jen4948 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

Jen4948 said:
Neither of us know what the dynamics are. It might or might not be possible for him to speak to his wife and stepson regarding the issue.

There could be a lot of things going on besides what's in the OP.

The solution might be something as simple as the kid's parents telling him, "Back off and quit staring because it's making other people uncomfortable" because he doesn't realize that there's a problem.

Or the stepson's behavior might be due to Aspergers or something where he can't pick up on social cues. If that's the case, some information to that effect from the brother could be helpful.

Then the OP can make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to invite him to the wedding, and how to cope with whatever decision she makes.

I can't imagine any possible scenario where telling someone that their child gives you the willies would work out well.

It might have to be said anyway -- regardless of how well it works out. Otherwise, other people are going to have to deal with this guy's behavior -- in really bad situations.

This guy hasn't harmed anyone; hasn't harassed anyone, hasn't assaulted anyone, hasn't threatened anyone. He just has a creepy vibe, which is weird but not illegal! What "really bad" scenarios are you picturing that the OP should warn her brother about his step-son potentially being in?

Jen4948 · August 2016

charlotte989875 said:

Jen4948 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

Jen4948 said:
Neither of us know what the dynamics are. It might or might not be possible for him to speak to his wife and stepson regarding the issue.

There could be a lot of things going on besides what's in the OP.

The solution might be something as simple as the kid's parents telling him, "Back off and quit staring because it's making other people uncomfortable" because he doesn't realize that there's a problem.

Or the stepson's behavior might be due to Aspergers or something where he can't pick up on social cues. If that's the case, some information to that effect from the brother could be helpful.

Then the OP can make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to invite him to the wedding, and how to cope with whatever decision she makes.

I can't imagine any possible scenario where telling someone that their child gives you the willies would work out well.

It might have to be said anyway -- regardless of how well it works out. Otherwise, other people are going to have to deal with this guy's behavior -- in really bad situations.

This guy hasn't harmed anyone; hasn't harassed anyone, hasn't assaulted anyone, hasn't threatened anyone. He just has a creepy vibe, which is weird but not illegal! What "really bad" scenarios are you picturing that the OP should warn her brother about his step-son potentially being in?

Someone might overreact to his creepy vibe and physically fight him, or demand that he be thrown out of a place, or press criminal charges against him. If he's making other people feel unsafe with his behavior, then (assuming he can comprehend that), he needs to be told -- preferably by his parents, if he's a minor -- to stop. Or if he's an adult, he needs to be told directly.

STARMOON44 · August 2016

He's 18. The time and place for this discussion, if it happens at all, has nothing to do with the wedding.

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

I'm just going to make the invitation to my brother and his wife. If they ask if they can bring the kids, I'll allow it.

Do I have to invite?

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