Budget Issues

lottie64 · August 2016

Help please! My parents will be footing a majority of the bill for the wedding, but they refuse to tell me a budget. My dad threw a number out initially, but he's since realized that's not feasible, as it's quite a bit under. I think he just gave me a number so I could do some research and see how much things cost. Now that I've done the research, they know the wedding will be much more, but by how much, I have no idea.

My dad's expecting to pay $80-$120 a head for a good meal, and I've found a venue that we all love in that range, but my dad is concerned about the cost and rightfully so. My parents keep bringing up all these grand venues that are very pricey, and then they throw out places like the community center with a local BBQ company as the caterer (I'm very much against this idea, but they still bring it up every time we talk about the wedding).

My fiance and I live in a different state from where both our parents live, and from where the wedding will be, with a 3 hour time difference. My fiance and I, and my parents all agree that having the wedding somewhere (at a hotel for instance) where the staff there will essentially handle most of the details will be much much easier, but I know these will be more expensive.

I've suggested numerous venues with varying prices for my parents to visit (I probably won't be able to visit any venues until I'm out there for the wedding), but the only venues that are actually being considered are something at $100 a head, or the local BBQ company catering at the community center. At this point, I've stopped contacting venues because I have absolutely no idea what the budget is. I don't have my heart set on the $100 a head, and there were plenty of other places that would be great for my parents to visit (that are cheaper per person), but I don't know if it's out of the running or not due to cost.

Besides just the budget, we can't agree on a date or general area. Whenever I think we're finally moving along, my fiance and I get another reason why a certain date isn't going to work, or why we shouldn't have the wedding in this area. At this point, this has been going on for about a month, and my fiance and I were hoping for early January.

Edited for additional clarity.

InLoveInQueens · August 2016

Knottie1463424241 said:

Help please! My parents will be footing a majority of the bill for the wedding, but they refuse to tell me a budget. My dad threw a number out initially, but he's since realized that's not feasible, as it's quite a bit under. I think he just gave me a number so I could do some research and see how much things cost. Now that I've done the research, they know the wedding will be much more, but by how much, I have no idea.

My dad's expecting to pay $80-$120 a head for a good meal, and I've found a venue that we all love in that range, but my dad is concerned about the cost and rightfully so. My parents keep bringing up all these grand venues that are very pricey, and then they throw out places like the community center with a local BBQ company as the caterer (I'm very much against this idea, but they still bring it up every time we talk about the wedding).

My fiance and I live in a different state from where both our parents live, and from where the wedding will be, with a 3 hour time difference. My fiance and I, and my parents all agree that having the wedding somewhere (at a hotel for instance) where the staff there will essentially handle most of the details will be much much easier, but I know these will be more expensive.

I've suggested numerous venues with varying prices for my parents to visit (I probably won't be able to visit any venues until I'm out there for the wedding), but the only venues that are actually being considered are something at $100 a head, or the local BBQ company catering at the community center. At this point, I've stopped contacting venues because I have absolutely no idea what the budget is. I don't have my heart set on the $100 a head, and there were plenty of other places that would be great for my parents to visit (that are cheaper per person), but I don't know if it's out of the running or not due to cost.

Besides just the budget, we can't agree on a date or general area. Whenever I think we're finally moving along, my fiance and I get another reason why a certain date isn't going to work, or why we shouldn't have the wedding in this area. At this point, this has been going on for about a month, and my fiance and I were hoping for early January.

Edited for additional clarity.

SITB JIC

southernbelle0915 · August 2016

Knottie1463424241 said:

Help please! My parents will be footing a majority of the bill for the wedding, but they refuse to tell me a budget. My dad threw a number out initially, but he's since realized that's not feasible, as it's quite a bit under. I think he just gave me a number so I could do some research and see how much things cost. Now that I've done the research, they know the wedding will be much more, but by how much, I have no idea.

My dad's expecting to pay $80-$120 a head for a good meal, and I've found a venue that we all love in that range, but my dad is concerned about the cost and rightfully so. My parents keep bringing up all these grand venues that are very pricey, and then they throw out places like the community center with a local BBQ company as the caterer (I'm very much against this idea, but they still bring it up every time we talk about the wedding).

My fiance and I live in a different state from where both our parents live, and from where the wedding will be, with a 3 hour time difference. My fiance and I, and my parents all agree that having the wedding somewhere (at a hotel for instance) where the staff there will essentially handle most of the details will be much much easier, but I know these will be more expensive.

I've suggested numerous venues with varying prices for my parents to visit (I probably won't be able to visit any venues until I'm out there for the wedding), but the only venues that are actually being considered are something at $100 a head, or the local BBQ company catering at the community center. At this point, I've stopped contacting venues because I have absolutely no idea what the budget is. I don't have my heart set on the $100 a head, and there were plenty of other places that would be great for my parents to visit (that are cheaper per person), but I don't know if it's out of the running or not due to cost.

Besides just the budget, we can't agree on a date or general area. Whenever I think we're finally moving along, my fiance and I get another reason why a certain date isn't going to work, or why we shouldn't have the wedding in this area. At this point, this has been going on for about a month, and my fiance and I were hoping for early January.

Edited for additional clarity.

Ok so here's what I'd do. I would tell them that you need to hard budget in the form of actual money (not promises) by such and such a date or you and your FI are going to plan and host the wedding. Sorrynotsorry.

A verbal figure is not enough. It's just not. You need a check that clears into your bank account. I know it's family but I can't tell you how many brides come here within a couple months of their wedding (when all the bills are due) and somehow the promised money isn't there anymore. Or they can't pay gratuity. Or they can't pay at all. It's a total nightmare. Don't let that happen to you.

If your parents don't come with a check that clears by the date you specify, start planning the wedding based on what you and your FI can afford. If they give you money later, great. Upgrade your flowers, your cake, whatever. But don't plan on promises.

missfrodo · August 2016

southernbelle0915 said:

STUCK IN BOX--don't know how to get out!

Just wanted to say, please listen to southernbele0915. The regulars here give great advice, especially in this situation. If you look back at past posts on TK, you'll see exactly what she's talking about. You can't count on money until it's in your hand, and you certainly can't count on money when you don't even know how much money is being offered! I find it to be a very bad sign when someone offers to pay for something but refuses to give a budget; from experience on here, it tends to mean you'll never see a cent from them. My parents paid for most of our wedding, but we had a clear, specific $ amount, and there was a physical "wedding account" with that money in it. Without that guarantee, FI and I would have scaled back to plan a wedding within our own budget.

lottie64 · August 2016

Thank you both! @southernbelle0915 @missfrodoI think actually being able to have the money in an account I can access would make things a whole lot easier.

Unfortunately, I can almost guarantee that my parents won't like that idea, and won't agree to it. Especially since they live where the wedding will be, they'll be the ones visiting the venues and paying the deposits when they're there. They're already trying to control as much as they can, and it has really taken all the fun out of everything.

I think my dad is just wanting me to find the "best deal", and then he'll commit to it, but it's a waste of my time, and everyone's that I'm contacting. I've already told them multiple times that I'm not contacting any additional venues until I know a budget, but they don't listen to me. I also feel like my dad doesn't want to tell me an actual budget because he doesn't want me to know how much he can actually spend on it... (This is just a hunch, but I am completely at a loss right now!!)

I'm really partial to just canceling the whole thing altogether, paying my dad back for the dress, and eloping with my fiance as originally planned. However, going this route will really, really upset my parents and damage our relationship. (Canceling wouldn't really be a huge deal for our guests, or financially since we haven't sent anything out, received any gifts, or paid for anything, except the dress deposit).

ernursej · August 2016

Instead of cancelling, could you not give back the money and plan and simple ceremony and reception using your own money? It could be small and just cake/punch reception or as large and expensive as you want and can afford to host.

The uncertainty over the money available would be end game for me. I would take over and make it what we want.

MobKaz · August 2016

lottie64 said:

Thank you both! @southernbelle0915 @missfrodoI think actually being able to have the money in an account I can access would make things a whole lot easier.

Unfortunately, I can almost guarantee that my parents won't like that idea, and won't agree to it. Especially since they live where the wedding will be, they'll be the ones visiting the venues and paying the deposits when they're there. They're already trying to control as much as they can, and it has really taken all the fun out of everything.

I think my dad is just wanting me to find the "best deal", and then he'll commit to it, but it's a waste of my time, and everyone's that I'm contacting. I've already told them multiple times that I'm not contacting any additional venues until I know a budget, but they don't listen to me. I also feel like my dad doesn't want to tell me an actual budget because he doesn't want me to know how much he can actually spend on it... (This is just a hunch, but I am completely at a loss right now!!)

I'm really partial to just canceling the whole thing altogether, paying my dad back for the dress, and eloping with my fiance as originally planned. However, going this route will really, really upset my parents and damage our relationship. (Canceling wouldn't really be a huge deal for our guests, or financially since we haven't sent anything out, received any gifts, or paid for anything, except the dress deposit).

@lottie64, between this thread and your other post, it really sounds as if you and your FI need to turn all money down and start planning your own wedding.

In your other thread, you mention how your mother has already dictated your wedding attire. You've allowed her to make some of YOUR most personal decisions and they haven't even actually committed to funding the wedding. I can assure you that continuing to bend to their pressures and demands, allowing them to dictate all aspects of this wedding, will be damaging not only to your relationship with them, but with your relationship with FI.

This is the beginning of your life with your FI. You worry about what your parents will like, what they will say, and how they will feel. Do you really think it is best to start this new path with your parents "in control" of everything? It will take more than "the fun" out of everything.

southernbelle0915 · August 2016

I think you have more options than just elope or let your parents control everything.

Another option would be for you and your FI to tell your parents that you two will be planning and hosting your own wedding. Your reasons are because you have your own vision that you'd like to execute with your own money. If they want to pay for little things here and there, they can offer and you two will consider whether to accept or not.

When you say that their control is "taking all the fun out of it", I feel bad for you. But the only way to limit their control is to pay for things yourself. Thankfully, whatever you pay for you, YOU alone can choose/plan.

[Deleted User] · August 2016

Also, I would add that just because they live where the wedding will occur (would you be interested in having it in the city you currently live in instead?) does not mean that they have to be the ones visiting the venue and putting down the deposits. Do some research online and the plan a weekend trip and visit as many of the venues/vendors that you like as possible and make your decision then. Otherwise, a lot can be planned online or via phone call. I live in the same city but I've still done most of my vendor "meetings" via phone or Skype. You don't *need* your parents to help just because it's an out of town wedding for you.

Edit, another consideration would be to hire a wedding planner in that city to help you out. That way you have someone working for you that is local.

lottie64 · August 2016

@Ironring @southernbelle0915 @ernursej
Thanks everyone! Your comments are really helpful.

We could plan something ourselves, but if we did, we would want to invite our families and friends. Unfortunately, we wouldn't be able to afford hosting very many people, which is why we initially wanted to elope, wait a few years, and plan a reception of sorts (we wouldn't try to recreate a wedding, just celebrate with the family and friends we weren't able to with before).

I definitely agree with you @MobKaz because my fiance and I have been having a very difficult time with all of this, definitely leading to an increase in bickering, and overall stress.

Also, it's pretty unfeasible for my fiance and I to get back home to look at venues. I don't have much vacation to spare, it's a 5 hour flight, and around $600. We'd rather save that time and money! It is an option to host something where we live now, but neither of us like it much here (brought here by work), and a majority of our friends don't live here, and we have no family near. We wouldn't want to burden them with a $600, 5 hr flight.

The reason I'm mentioning eloping is because that's what my fiance and I were originally going to do, but canceled those plans to plan a big wedding to appease my parents...

Edit: added tags. Also, as it currently stands, off in la la land, my parents won't be paying for everything. They've seen a budget of sorts that I came up with a few weeks back, which earmarked my fiance and I paying for about 20% of the costs.

geebee908 · August 2016

lottie64 said:

@Ironring @southernbelle0915 @ernursej
Thanks everyone! Your comments are really helpful.

We could plan something ourselves, but if we did, we would want to invite our families and friends. Unfortunately, we wouldn't be able to afford hosting very many people, which is why we initially wanted to elope, wait a few years, and plan a reception of sorts (we wouldn't try to recreate a wedding, just celebrate with the family and friends we weren't able to with before).

I definitely agree with you @MobKaz because my fiance and I have been having a very difficult time with all of this, definitely leading to an increase in bickering, and overall stress.

Also, it's pretty unfeasible for my fiance and I to get back home to look at venues. I don't have much vacation to spare, it's a 5 hour flight, and around $600. We'd rather save that time and money! It is an option to host something where we live now, but neither of us like it much here (brought here by work), and a majority of our friends don't live here, and we have no family near. We wouldn't want to burden them with a $600, 5 hr flight.

The reason I'm mentioning eloping is because that's what my fiance and I were originally going to do, but canceled those plans to plan a big wedding to appease my parents...

Edited to add tags

Don't jeopardize your relationship to appease your parents. If an elopement is what you and your FI would prefer, do that. And actually elope, which means you don't tell anyone until after you're married.

You and FI are an independent couple; you should respect your parents, but you shouldn't sacrifice anything with regard to how you want to choose to live your lives just to please them. Because, in the end, you probably won't be able to please them and you've damaged your own relationship for no benefit. Set your boundaries now as it will be much harder to do later.

teddygirl9 · August 2016

My FI comes from a different culture where they invite every person they've ever met (almost) to their kids wedding. At his brothers wedding, there were 400+ people, over 90% dictated by the parents.

Anyways, when it came to start planning our wedding we knew we a) didn't want that and b) couldn't afford what his brother spent (even though parents kicked in some cash). So we kept saying that we wanted to keep it small and relatively inexpensive. His parents kept using the line "well you can't do that, don't worry about the cost" - hinting that they would give us money. But they haven't yet, and we haven't asked for a number either. We are planning what we can afford and if they give us money, then we do what pps said - either upgrade something/put towards HM/etc.

Until you have a firm budget, you can't plan anything. If you want their $, you need to find out exactly what they're willing to pay. I'd probably tell them you're getting frustrated having to go back and forth, and if they don't give you a number you will plan your own wedding. Don't go into more specifics than that.

short+sassy · August 2016

lottie64 said:

@Ironring @southernbelle0915 @ernursej
Thanks everyone! Your comments are really helpful.

We could plan something ourselves, but if we did, we would want to invite our families and friends. Unfortunately, we wouldn't be able to afford hosting very many people, which is why we initially wanted to elope, wait a few years, and plan a reception of sorts (we wouldn't try to recreate a wedding, just celebrate with the family and friends we weren't able to with before).

I definitely agree with you @MobKaz because my fiance and I have been having a very difficult time with all of this, definitely leading to an increase in bickering, and overall stress.

Also, it's pretty unfeasible for my fiance and I to get back home to look at venues. I don't have much vacation to spare, it's a 5 hour flight, and around $600. We'd rather save that time and money! It is an option to host something where we live now, but neither of us like it much here (brought here by work), and a majority of our friends don't live here, and we have no family near. We wouldn't want to burden them with a $600, 5 hr flight.

The reason I'm mentioning eloping is because that's what my fiance and I were originally going to do, but canceled those plans to plan a big wedding to appease my parents...

Edit: added tags. Also, as it currently stands, off in la la land, my parents won't be paying for everything. They've seen a budget of sorts that I came up with a few weeks back, which earmarked my fiance and I paying for about 20% of the costs.

I hear what you're saying on this. My H and I got married in my hometown (1500 miles away from where we live) because half our guests lived there anyway and the other half would have had to travel either way.

My mom was the one who made that suggestion and also offered to do all the "work" to arrange things. Although she got my and my H's input, we pretty much gave her free rein to do that. I didn't expect her to pay for everything and broached the subject a few times asking what money we could give her, but she never wanted any. I know part of it was she was really grateful we were willing to travel, so most of our guests (including her and my immediate family) did not have to.

Everything came out beautifully. Part of the magic was my H and I were easygoing people without many demands. And my mom is the best ever (okay, a little bias there).

It sounds like you and your FI are more having this wedding for them than for yourselves. Do you think it would make things smoother if you all just allowed them to plan it (only if they've offered) with your all's input? Since they are the ones who live near where the wedding will be. Especially for the venue/food, since this is one of the biggest considerations that is easier to do from close by than from far away. You could give them yours and your FI's budget for what you all can contribute.

On planning a wedding from far away. For example, my mom picked the florist (a family friend), but I spoke to the florist multiple times on the phone and we exchanged pics of flowers/arrangements via e-mail. My mom picked the bakery and suggested cake and cake flavors, but I got to choose.

Seriously bummed I missed out on the cake tasting, though. That was the biggest negative of planning a wedding from afar. But apparently my 2-year-old nephew/RB was in absolute heaven and ate all my samples for me, lol.

Jen4948 · August 2016

You may have to put your foot firmly down and tell your parents, "Mom, Dad, since you haven't been willing to give FI and me either hard cash or even a budget for our wedding, we've decided that we're only going to look for venues the two of us can afford on our own money. That means that of necessity we will have to have a smaller and cheaper wedding, with fewer guests, than we otherwise might have. We're sorry for any disappointment you may be feeling over this, but it's the only way we can plan a wedding without numbers or cash from you. If you want us to invite any more people or have a different venue or other things than what we plan, you will have to give us an actual amount of cash first. But we are not going to run around looking at venues without knowing if we can afford them because we don't know how much you plan to give us. This is our final decision in this matter."

lottie64 · August 2016

Honestly, thank you everyone so much. I came up with some of our biggest concerns, and shared it with my fiancé, who agrees with what I've come up with. We'll speak to my parents today, hopefully, and share everything with them. If they aren't willing to work with us, and actually compromise and share information, my fiancé and I will plan the wedding with no financial support from my parents, and we will pay them back for the dress, so we can plan our wedding.

[Deleted User] · August 2016

Good for you and good luck with that conversation! I imagine it will be difficult but it is so necessary in the long run.

Sherbie25 · August 2016

lottie64 said:

Honestly, thank you everyone so much. I came up with some of our biggest concerns, and shared it with my fiancé, who agrees with what I've come up with. We'll speak to my parents today, hopefully, and share everything with them. If they aren't willing to work with us, and actually compromise and share information, my fiancé and I will plan the wedding with no financial support from my parents, and we will pay them back for the dress, so we can plan our wedding.

BLOODY BOXES!!!!

Good luck and let us know how things go xxxx

OliveOilsMom · August 2016

If you can OP, call that dress shop ASAP and ask them to hold off on ordering the dress. You would still pay your parents back what they paid, but you could apply the money paid to the dress shop for a different dress that you feel will better fit your wedding plans and new budget.

A suggestion for you, would be to elope on a vacation somewhere. Then have a casual BBQ in your hometown after the fact to celebrate your marriage. Would you parents or another relative be willing to let you borrow their property to host a simple BBQ?

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