Snarky Brides

Family frustrations

Sorry, just needing to vent a bit. 

BIL got married two years ago at the courthouse. His wife is from another country, and while they wanted to get married, they counted that as legalization only, and announced their engagement to the extended family at that point (i.e., only parents and DH [and therefore, me] know they are already married). They are hosting a big wedding in her home country next summer. 

They are really nice people, and I love my in-laws. But I'm already really frustrated by the wedding planning process. Not only is it a PPD where most of the relatives don't know that it's a PPD, but it's an expensive one that is being WAY too micromanaged. BIL has sent out a series of emails with powerpoint attachments to "preview the options" for the trip. Option 1 is 5 days, and Option 2 is 10 -- both have planned agendas. Option 1 is estimated to cost around $1400 a person, including plane tickets. That's not terrible for travel to a foreign country, but a trip over $2000 is a lot for DH and me. Heck, our own honeymoon was under $1000. On top of this, BIL has sent several reminder emails over the last few months asking everybody to let him know which "option" we choose so they can plan accordingly. He called DH recently to ask us to be "special" guests of honor -- although they are not having a WP, per say. So I'm not really sure what role I'm supposed to have.

DH has told BIL that he will be there, not to worry. But we really don't know yet about me. DH and I have talked very seriously about TTC this spring, and if I should become pregnant, I don't think I'd want to go to the wedding at all since it is in a high-risk Zika country. DH explained this to BIL, who said he felt it would be very low risk. I know I could follow precautions by dousing myself in bugspray and wearing long sleeve clothing, and the actual risk would be low, but personally, I just wouldn't want to take any chances, especially since the wedding and reception is supposed to be outdoors and run all day.

I think mostly I'm really frustrated because I'm worried that I'm going to come off as the aloof or mean new SIL. It's not even that it's a PPD so much that bothers me -- it's the expectation that we will attend and follow these laid out "options."  I love BIL and his wife, and I was so happy to have them both as active members in our WP recently. They are really sweet people, and I know that all this over-planning is their anxiety about trying to be good hosts. If I don't go, I'm concerned that I'm going to look bad not only to BIL and SIL, but to DH's parents and other relatives by missing out on this big family event. During our engagement I missed a few family holidays and my own bridal shower (which neither DH nor I knew about . . . it was supposed to be a surprise) due to being busy in law school, and while nothing was said about it, I got the feeling that my absence was noted. DH has my back, but I hate having to be in this position at all. Urgh. 

                    


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Re: Family frustrations

  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Honestly, the fact that it's out of your budget should be enough of a reason for you not to go, if you choose not to. I'd also be concerned about Zika if you're pregnant. I'm in Oklahoma, we've only had one confirmed case of Zika and I still freak out about mosquito bites.
    short+sassytigerlily6
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think your frustration is understandable. As for the Zika thing, I wouldn't go!!!! One of my best friends is an internist (who did a fellowship in infectious diseases) who doesn't normally get on risk band wagons. We were just talking about Zika this past weekend. She was saying how we really don't know much about the disease itself as far as transmission and that she wouldn't go to a country that was considered a risk (we are not of child bearing age). On top of that, even with bug sprays and long sleeve shirts, you can't be 100% certain you won't be bitten by an infected mosquito. That being said, if you were my daughter, I would do everything I could to talk you out of going!
    tigerlily6
  • That sucks @tigerlily6. Id be super concerned too. I went to Puerto Rico in January just before Zika hit and I'm worried about it. I can't imagine going somewhere high risk when you're TTC. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I don't think I would go. Too much money and too risky.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • It's perfectly fine for you to not attend.  Especially considering the cost and Zika potential.  If that is your decision, just to keep family peace, I would apologize profusely that I won't be able to attend because of X and Y but will really be there in spirit yada, yada, yada.  There is nothing to apologize for, but maybe if they see you are sincerely bummed you can't go, it will smooth feathers.

    As an aside, I have a good friend whose son got married in Costa Rica.  When he told her they were having a DW, she warned him she may not be able to go if they went that route.  She understood his reasoning.  He understood hers.  There were no hard feelings.  Because that is what sometimes happen when people chose to get married in a place that will be inconvenient/expensive for others.  Not knocking DWs!  But people need to be reasonable that even their closest friends/family members may not be able to attend.

    As for taking "precautions" to not get bit by mosquitos, don't count on any of that for even a half second.  I practically bathe myself in mosquito spray multiple times a day during the summer.  I still get bit constantly, sometimes even through my clothes.

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    tigerlily6ILoveBeachMusicInLoveInQueens
  • Fear not -- if I become pregnant, I am definitely NOT going. No social pressures  would make me budge on that. Whether Zika is a hype or not, there's not enough info to know yet, as @ILoveBeachMusic said. What is rather annoying, though, is feeling like we have to explain that we will be TTC as an excuse for why I'm not buying tickets right now (seriously, these "if you're going to get tickets, get them soon and let us know!" emails are driving me nuts). Cost is a big factor also, but not one which I feel like would be as acceptable an excuse for declining in the eyes of family, who may even try to offer help towards tickets if that was the main reason given. 
                        


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  • ei34ei34 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The cost itself is a fine reason not to go, without even factoring in the PPD ickiness.  Zika isn't something to play around with, it's totally understandable that you're concerned.
    UGH and I HATE when I'm expected to attend anything but the wedding (and rehearsal and RD, if I'm in the WP) at a DW.  Your wedding day is your wedding day, every other day is my vacation.
    tigerlily6scrunchythiefHeffalump
  • I think the cost alone is a legit reason not to go - you're looking at $2,800 per person and I assume that doesn't include spending money once you're there? It's also insane to me to expect someone to make a 10-day vacation for your destination wedding.

    Anyone I know who's had a destination wedding has been well aware that they will have small attendance numbers. One of my oldest and closest friends (and one of my BMs) is having a destination wedding and was telling me how extremely happy and grateful she was that we were coming - I would never miss it! But her reaction tells me she knows it's not feasible to expect everyone to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars to come to her wedding, and that's a risk you take when you have a destination wedding, family or not. I have a huge family and we're extremely close, but if I'd done a destination wedding I don't think they all would have attended (one of the reasons I didn't want a DW).
    tigerlily6InLoveInQueens
  • Also you still have to wait To TTC If your DH goes- and I'd get him tested if he comes back just in case bc not everyone experiences the symptoms but can still be infected. 

    http://www.cdc.gov/zika/pdfs/fs-zika-sex-partnertravel.pdf
    I have read about this also. I have tried to communicate to DH that it's not just ME getting bit by mosquitos that is a risk, but him also. I don't think he quite gets it and has ever sat down and read the CDC website or anything yet, though. I need to drag him into my next gyno appointment with me, I think, so he can get the lecture from a doctor as well. 
                        


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    charlotte989875short+sassyILoveBeachMusicThisShamanluvsaMage
  • Talk to your dr if you opt to go. I had a dr's appointment and my dr knew this was our honeymoon and since we were going to a place that could be Zika infected {Dominican Republic} she said in our best interest to wait 3 months after coming back if we were planning on it to prevent any issues/risks.
    tigerlily6
  • Talk to your dr if you opt to go. I had a dr's appointment and my dr knew this was our honeymoon and since we were going to a place that could be Zika infected {Dominican Republic} she said in our best interest to wait 3 months after coming back if we were planning on it to prevent any issues/risks.
    If you or your DH opt to go...

    My friend just came back from Mexico and her doctor recommended minimum two months of waiting before TTC , but I think it was also less time bc Mexico hasn't had any local transmission yet and the resorts are going crazy with spraying bugs away. If your SILs country sounds like there are local transmissions, I'd err and just not go. It's not your fault they're doing a DW. I would never put my TTC plans off for a fake wedding. 
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    tigerlily6short+sassy
  • Talk to your dr if you opt to go. I had a dr's appointment and my dr knew this was our honeymoon and since we were going to a place that could be Zika infected {Dominican Republic} she said in our best interest to wait 3 months after coming back if we were planning on it to prevent any issues/risks.
    If you or your DH opt to go...

    My friend just came back from Mexico and her doctor recommended minimum two months of waiting before TTC , but I think it was also less time bc Mexico hasn't had any local transmission yet and the resorts are going crazy with spraying bugs away. If your SILs country sounds like there are local transmissions, I'd err and just not go. It's not your fault they're doing a DW. I would never put my TTC plans off for a fake wedding. 
    Oh dr didn't mention that he could put me at risk at the time! This was back in February when it started, so maybe that's why though ...
  • Sooo, DH just sent me this link: https://www.technologyreview.com/s/602073/us-government-starts-test-of-zika-vaccine-in-humans/

    It would be awesome if such a vaccine was successful, but as the article itself says, it may take years to know the efficacy. Still, something to keep an eye out for as new developments arise. 
                        


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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think the cost alone is reason not to go as well.

    I also think it bit "much" (verging on being rude) for BIL and SIL to plan an agenda. It should be, "Our wedding is X day and Y location" and it's up to you to plan your trip as you see fit. Could you look at hotels and flights on your own? Would that make it cheaper? If so, I'd tell BIL, "We are considering attending, but we will make our own arrangements".

    As for Zika, your husband is at risk too. If he gets Zika, he can pass it along. All the cases in Canada (I believe 3) have been sexually transmitted.
    tigerlily6charlotte989875scrunchythiefMissKittyDanger
  • Everyone already covered my thoughts on Zika, cost, and "agendas".  Ugh.

    I just came to start the betting pool on "special guests of honor".  My money says it means they won't make you buy a special dress or rent a tux and stand up with them, but they will expect you to wear clothes in a specific color to color coordinate in the photos and of course you'll be "more than welcome" to just go ahead and throw them a shower and bachelor(ette) parties.
    Greenjinjo charlotte989875
  • SP29 said:
    I think the cost alone is reason not to go as well.

    I also think it bit "much" (verging on being rude) for BIL and SIL to plan an agenda. It should be, "Our wedding is X day and Y location" and it's up to you to plan your trip as you see fit. Could you look at hotels and flights on your own? Would that make it cheaper? If so, I'd tell BIL, "We are considering attending, but we will make our own arrangements".

    As for Zika, your husband is at risk too. If he gets Zika, he can pass it along. All the cases in Canada (I believe 3) have been sexually transmitted.
    As far as we've been told, yep.
  • jacques27 said:
    Everyone already covered my thoughts on Zika, cost, and "agendas".  Ugh.

    I just came to start the betting pool on "special guests of honor".  My money says it means they won't make you buy a special dress or rent a tux and stand up with them, but they will expect you to wear clothes in a specific color to color coordinate in the photos and of course you'll be "more than welcome" to just go ahead and throw them a shower and bachelor(ette) parties.
    I have yet to hear what this role entails. SIL wasn't planning on having any WP initially, since they apparently aren't a thing in her country. But as BIL is American I think they are trying to combine both the cultures in the ceremony, so this is the result. All that's been expressed about clothing so far is to keep it light, since the wedding and reception will be outdoors and it will be summer and very hot. So thus far no talk of coordination of any kind. 

    I'm pretty sure DH will be in charge of the bachelor party -- although he wants to do that for his brother and volunteered. And while I'm likely declining the invitation to the wedding itself, I may try to be involved in hosting some kind of bridal tea party for SIL (I don't think they have a registry, so no actual shower). That way I can show my support even if I can't make it abroad. 
                        


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    short+sassySP29OurWildKingdom
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