Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about this but...

ScottishSarah · August 2016

...Did your parents get you a wedding present or card?

I've just finished my wedding thank you cards and just realised there are only 2 names on the guest list that did not give us (or promise us) a wedding gift, my father and brother.

I was not excepting one from my brother as he was our best man (that being an amazing gift in itself) and also I know things are tight for him financially, but I was quite surprised about my father. We paid for a cottage for him at the venue and didn't ask for a penny of contribution towards this or for any part of the wedding/reception.

I do feel a bit silly for this but I would expect a card or just something from him to remember the day and I love my father very much. I actually feel really guilty and ungrateful typing this, but I guess I want other people to come on here and say that their parents did the same.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it customary for parents to give a gift or card? Looking for advice from married ladies and parents on here to perhaps manage my expectations.

ei34 · August 2016

I can't weigh in on how unreasonable this seems to you, since you're more familiar with your relationship with your father than I am. I could see hoping for a card from your father (not even with a gift, just a written card)...don't feel guilty for your feelings, you're entitled to them. My parents did give us a card (with a large gift), although I'm not sure if that was the norm or just something they did.

ScottishSarah · August 2016

I spoke to my sister about it and she said she didn't get a card either (wedding 2013) but he did gift her 5K for a honeymoon.

However, she did say she basically asked him for this so she doesn't feel we have been treated differently IFKWIM?

MobKaz · August 2016

I'm sorry. I can't imagine not sending at least a card. Does he typically send a card for other occasions, such as birthdays or holidays? If he does not, then I guess it should come as no surprise that he didn't think to get one for the wedding, either.

ScottishSarah · August 2016

ScottishSarah said:

I spoke to my sister about it and she said she didn't get a card either (wedding 2013) but he did gift her 5K for a honeymoon.

However, she did say she basically asked him for this so she doesn't feel we have been treated differently IFKWIM?

BTW I don't want a large gift like that!!! Just a little something for our home to remember the wedding and the time we shared together.

ScottishSarah · August 2016

MobKaz said:

I'm sorry. I can't imagine not sending at least a card. Does he typically send a card for other occasions, such as birthdays or holidays? If he does not, then I guess it should come as no surprise that he didn't think to get one for the wedding, either.

Yes he always gives me a birthday card and gift. That's why I'm a bit surprised.

MobKaz · August 2016

ScottishSarah said:

MobKaz said:

I'm sorry. I can't imagine not sending at least a card. Does he typically send a card for other occasions, such as birthdays or holidays? If he does not, then I guess it should come as no surprise that he didn't think to get one for the wedding, either.

Yes he always gives me a birthday card and gift. That's why I'm a bit surprised.

If your sister "set a precedent" by asking for a gift, do you suppose he is waiting for you to do the same? Do you normally have good communication with him?

ScottishSarah · August 2016

MobKaz said:

ScottishSarah said:

MobKaz said:

I'm sorry. I can't imagine not sending at least a card. Does he typically send a card for other occasions, such as birthdays or holidays? If he does not, then I guess it should come as no surprise that he didn't think to get one for the wedding, either.

Yes he always gives me a birthday card and gift. That's why I'm a bit surprised.

If your sister "set a precedent" by asking for a gift, do you suppose he is waiting for you to do the same? Do you normally have good communication with him?

Maybe you are right there! For example each year for my birthday he asks me to choose a gift and then we go to town together so he can pay for it. Maybe he's just waiting for me to ask?

The photographer took some shots of the two of us before he walked me down the aisle, perhaps I could ask for him to get one framed or something?

MobKaz · August 2016

ScottishSarah said:

MobKaz said:

ScottishSarah said:

MobKaz said:

I'm sorry. I can't imagine not sending at least a card. Does he typically send a card for other occasions, such as birthdays or holidays? If he does not, then I guess it should come as no surprise that he didn't think to get one for the wedding, either.

Yes he always gives me a birthday card and gift. That's why I'm a bit surprised.

If your sister "set a precedent" by asking for a gift, do you suppose he is waiting for you to do the same? Do you normally have good communication with him?

Maybe you are right there! For example each year for my birthday he asks me to choose a gift and then we go to town together so he can pay for it. Maybe he's just waiting for me to ask?

The photographer took some shots of the two of us before he walked me down the aisle, perhaps I could ask for him to get one framed or something?

Perhaps since this gift is not merely for you but for your spouse as well, he is at a loss as to what/how to gift. You know your dad best. It sounds as if the issue is not that he isn't thoughtful, but rather he prefers to wait for guidance?

ScottishSarah · August 2016

What I really want is a card. Our honeymoon is paid for, my registry is completely empty. Would it be wrong of me to ask for one?

ScottishSarah · August 2016

MobKaz said:

ScottishSarah said:

MobKaz said:

ScottishSarah said:

MobKaz said:

I'm sorry. I can't imagine not sending at least a card. Does he typically send a card for other occasions, such as birthdays or holidays? If he does not, then I guess it should come as no surprise that he didn't think to get one for the wedding, either.

Yes he always gives me a birthday card and gift. That's why I'm a bit surprised.

If your sister "set a precedent" by asking for a gift, do you suppose he is waiting for you to do the same? Do you normally have good communication with him?

Maybe you are right there! For example each year for my birthday he asks me to choose a gift and then we go to town together so he can pay for it. Maybe he's just waiting for me to ask?

The photographer took some shots of the two of us before he walked me down the aisle, perhaps I could ask for him to get one framed or something?

Perhaps since this gift is not merely for you but for your spouse as well, he is at a loss as to what/how to gift. You know your dad best. It sounds as if the issue is not that he isn't thoughtful, but rather he prefers to wait for guidance?

Thank you MobKaz, he really is the most loving father in the world, I'm sure this is just an oversight.

debbeau · August 2016

My MIL didn't get us anything. I didn't care about that but a card would have been nice. My DH has cards saved from 20 years ago. His family all know how sentimental he is about them.

CMGragain · August 2016

No card from my Mom.

STARMOON44 · August 2016

MobKaz said:

I'm sorry. I can't imagine not sending at least a card. Does he typically send a card for other occasions, such as birthdays or holidays? If he does not, then I guess it should come as no surprise that he didn't think to get one for the wedding, either.

I can't imagine my parents sending a card! They're my parents, some silly greeting card would be meaningless to both of us. I know how they fell, I don't need it in scrapbookable form!

climbingsingle · August 2016

I honestly can't remember if my parents gave us a card. Or if my MIL did. Or my brother. Or my BIL.

ScottishSarah said:

What I really want is a card. Our honeymoon is paid for, my registry is completely empty. Would it be wrong of me to ask for one?

What's the point of now requesting a card after the fact? I don't get it.

kvruns · August 2016

My parents got us a personalized sign with the wedding date. They gave it to us a week or two before the wedding with a card. His gave us a Christmas ornament at the rehearsal dinner but no card or present beyond that (they paid for the rehearsal dinner so I figure that was their present although I was honestly surprised they didn't get us something beyond the ornament)

kvruns · August 2016

STARMOON44 said:

MobKaz said:

I'm sorry. I can't imagine not sending at least a card. Does he typically send a card for other occasions, such as birthdays or holidays? If he does not, then I guess it should come as no surprise that he didn't think to get one for the wedding, either.

I can't imagine my parents sending a card! They're my parents, some silly greeting card would be meaningless to both of us. I know how they fell, I don't need it in scrapbookable form!

I always find the card debate interesting in how people view them. For me words are one of my love languages and cards with a message are very meaningful to me - I'd rather have that than a present most of the time. My H couldn't care less about cards and doesn't get the point; it took a while to finally get him to realize that while cards aren't important to him they are to me so I would appreciate getting them for an anniversary or other occasion besides just my birthday.

geebee908 · August 2016

I feel like having to ask for it takes something away from the sentiment and if I were your dad, it would become just an obligatory gesture. But, I don't know your dad, so this is just how I feel about it.

ShesSoCold · August 2016

My dad didn't get us anything. We actually saw him the next day after we went to the bank and he said "it never occurred to me to get a card and put a check in it". Uhhh, okay.

I'm not upset, but I was slightly salty that he paid for my brother's rehearsal and got him a large gift. Shrug.

thisismynickname2 · August 2016

If your dad normally sends cards, it is odd he didn't do it this time. But- he did walk you down the aisle. Did he make a toast? Did he say anything particularly special during the wedding day, like how happy he is for you and how great your now-husband is or something? I'd be bothered too, but ultimately remember that actions speak louder than words and let it go.

DH's parents funded a chunk of the wedding and gave us a cash gift and card; my parents gave us a smaller chunk of money to pay for the wedding and gave us a card but no additional gift. I was expecting that; was not expecting additional cash from my in-laws as I consider funding the wedding a gift itself.

flantastic · August 2016

Generally my thoughts on cards = "I saw you on your birthday, sending you a card with well wishes would be silly. That's for when I can't be present or speak to you at length." Perhaps your dad figures that he got to spend a lot of quality time with you that day, and presumably you have pictures to remember it by. Maybe he sees no need for a card? as something purely redundant? I am sure it's not because he doesn't care.

missJeanLouise · August 2016

It would surprise me if my dad gave us a card. It is just not his style. If we do get one from him it will be because my sister picked one up for him, lol.

levioosa · August 2016

I'm going to be honest. If I was in your Dad's position, I wouldn't have thought to give a card either. He participated in the event, yes? And am I wrong, or did he also pay for the wedding? I can see a card slipping through the cracks. It doesn't mean anything. I do feel like asking for a card after the fact detracts from it and would be a little disengenuous. Not because he doesn't love you, but because it's weird to be asked in retrospect to give a heartfelt card. Heartfelt cards are kind of spontaneous by nature. I just don't see it going well. "Oh..but I went....and walked you down the aisle....but I guess I can write a card if being there wasn't enough." That's just the way I feel about it though.

madamerwin · August 2016

I didn't get a card from my dad for our wedding, but I didn't really think about it until my sister asked me months later (she got married two months after me and also didn't get a card, so she wanted to see if I did). Granted, he paid for a chunk of the wedding, officiated, and was there supporting us in other ways as well. I am also not a "card" person - I rarely get them for anyone, ever - so to me, it just wasn't something I gave much thought to.

drglitter · August 2016

I'm a card person. I give cards for random reasons all of the time. I love browsing the card aisle and have stacks of cards at home that I liked just in case someone needed one. I could spend hours in Hallmark. I think I gave 2 cards to FH in the last week. I would feel the same way if I didn't get a card from a parent.

But, it sounds like your dad's not a card person. Asking for one now seems forced.

lyndausvi · August 2016

Am I the only one who thinks the OP is actually upset?

My parents did not give us a card. They did give us a gift a few years after the wedding. (they specifically wanted to buy us furniture. We knew we would be moving back to the states and decided to wait until we did move.)

MIL gave us a card.

I'm not a card person at all. I give cards, but do not think twice about not getting one.

Funny story. We got notice from the post office there was postage due on something being sent to us. I went down to the post office to find out the birthday card from my parents didn't have enough postage. So I had to pay 42 cents to get my own card. Which I read and pretty much threw away a few days later.

WinstonsGirl · August 2016

I think we got a card, along with cash for the wedding, the same as what they gave my brother. Mom gave DH a gift actually, and he said he didn't want gifts (basically them spending money on him) until he saw what it was and was cool with it then. Mom put together all the "secret" family recipes into a recipe book and gave him that, since he was now part of the family and was entitled to know the family secrets. Granny's corn, for example is a specific brand of corn from a can, so the recipe says open can, heat, top with certain herbs and serve.

cowgirl8238 · August 2016

Both my ILs and my parents got us cards for the wedding. My parents didn't give a gift beyond paying for the wedding (which was a huge gift in and of itself). I know the in-laws hosted the RD and I think they gave us a check as well. But that is how they would react to any life event. I get anniversary cards (2nd one is today!), Birthday Cards, and Christmas cards as well.

OP, I can understand feeling a bit bummed out, I would be too, but try not to let it get to you too much. If he does ask what you want, I think getting a framed photo or something else you need/want would be just fine. I also agree that asking for a card after the event has happened would be strange, but that's only my opinion!

Jen4948 · August 2016

I think it's ok to feel mild disappointment that your parents didn't get you anything, as long as you don't build it into anything more.

I've had disappointing occasions when I might have gotten gifts from my parents or other people I was close to, but didn't. I'm now surprised to ever get a gift from anyone.

All you can really do is let it go.

Jells2dot0 · August 2016

lyndausvi said:

Am I the only one who thinks the OP is actually upset?

My parents did not give us a card. They did give us a gift a few years after the wedding. (they specifically wanted to buy us furniture. We knew we would be moving back to the states and decided to wait until we did move.)

MIL gave us a card.

I'm not a card person at all. I give cards, but do not think twice about not getting one.

Funny story. We got notice from the post office there was postage due on something being sent to us. I went down to the post office to find out the birthday card from my parents didn't have enough postage. So I had to pay 42 cents to get my own card. Which I read and pretty much threw away a few days later.

That happened to me as well. My mom sent a card and didn't realize square cards require more postage.

I didn't get a card from my dad for either of my weddings. He does send cards for my birthday, but I guess he didn't think about it since he paid for a lot of the first wedding. The second time around was my fault since I didn't tell him I was married until a month after the fact.

flantastic · August 2016

Jells2dot0 said:

lyndausvi said:

Am I the only one who thinks the OP is actually upset?

My parents did not give us a card. They did give us a gift a few years after the wedding. (they specifically wanted to buy us furniture. We knew we would be moving back to the states and decided to wait until we did move.)

MIL gave us a card.

I'm not a card person at all. I give cards, but do not think twice about not getting one.

Funny story. We got notice from the post office there was postage due on something being sent to us. I went down to the post office to find out the birthday card from my parents didn't have enough postage. So I had to pay 42 cents to get my own card. Which I read and pretty much threw away a few days later.

That happened to me as well. My mom sent a card and didn't realize square cards require more postage.

We once had postage due on a square/thick thank you card sent to us. So we paid for our thank you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about this but...

Re: Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about this but...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards