Hi ladies, I have lurked a great deal and read a lot of great advice on here, but this particular situation is perplexing me. If there is a black and white etiquette-friendly solution that I’m just not seeing, please let me know.
One of my bridesmaids, Kelly, is in a self-destructive downward spiral that started a few months ago after some difficult events in her life. The latest development a few weeks ago was that she drunkenly hooked up with the boyfriend of another bridesmaid, Jane. It was one thing after another - really weird behavior and then - boom. I spoke to Jane, who graciously told me she would bow out of the wedding party so I didn’t have to, in her words, “fire,” Kelly. I went the other way. I only chose three ladies to stand by my side in the first place, and I wasn’t about to choose the culprit over the victim. Also, by every possible metric, Jane is my better friend.
I called Kelly, knowing this was a friendship-ending move, explained that I wasn’t comfortable with her as a bridesmaid. I paid for her dress and alterations, and I’m returning her shower gift. She’s not out any money for this wedding as far as I can tell. She understood on the phone, but days later, I got her RSVP card in the mail with “F—k No” scrawled on it in sharpie. She’s not taking it too well. Nor should she be - I behaved badly by disinviting her - I own that. It was a rock and hard place scenario and I made a choice.
Cut to a week later and FI learns that one of his friends, Carl, has started dating Kelly. They are adults, whatever. Not getting involved except - Carl has a plus one to the wedding and invitations have already gone out, RSVP date is in three weeks. FI is worried that Carl might try to bring Kelly as his date. He wants to call Carl and suss out whether he is thinking of bringing her and explain the situation. I am firmly against this - I doubt if she even wants to come at this point, but if she did it looks like she’s definitely in the state of mind to make a scene. If we get back his RSVP card and her name is on it, isn’t it too late to do anything about it?
I realize I already have tripped up on the etiquette game by dis-inviting a member of the bridal party, and there is probably no going back to solve it, so what do I do now? I know I can’t keep her out of public spaces, and the ceremony is in a park. I feel like at this point, when it comes to the reception, the ball is in Carl’s court, who may not know what went on.
tl;dr: I uninvited a bridesmaid, who wronged another bridesmaid, and she may may try to hop on to a friend's plus one and FI wants to know if we should explain the situation to that friend.
btw, literally everything else has gone smoothly with this wedding, in large part thanks to the advice I have read on this forum. Thank you ladies!