Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridesmaid situation

Hi ladies, I have lurked a great deal and read a lot of great advice on here, but this particular situation is perplexing me. If there is a black and white etiquette-friendly solution that I’m just not seeing, please let me know.

One of my bridesmaids, Kelly, is in a self-destructive downward spiral that started a few months ago after some difficult events in her life. The latest development a few weeks ago was that she drunkenly hooked up with the boyfriend of another bridesmaid, Jane. It was one thing after another - really weird behavior and then - boom. I spoke to Jane, who graciously told me she would bow out of the wedding party so I didn’t have to, in her words, “fire,” Kelly. I went the other way. I only chose three ladies to stand by my side in the first place, and I wasn’t about to choose the culprit over the victim. Also, by every possible metric, Jane is my better friend.

I called Kelly, knowing this was a friendship-ending move, explained that I wasn’t comfortable with her as a bridesmaid. I paid for her dress and alterations, and I’m returning her shower gift. She’s not out any money for this wedding as far as I can tell. She understood on the phone, but days later, I got her RSVP card in the mail with “F—k No” scrawled on it in sharpie. She’s not taking it too well. Nor should she be - I behaved badly by disinviting her - I own that. It was a rock and hard place scenario and I made a choice.

Cut to a week later and FI learns that one of his friends, Carl, has started dating Kelly. They are adults, whatever. Not getting involved except - Carl has a plus one to the wedding and invitations have already gone out, RSVP date is in three weeks. FI is worried that Carl might try to bring Kelly as his date. He wants to call Carl and suss out whether he is thinking of bringing her and explain the situation. I am firmly against this - I doubt if she even wants to come at this point, but if she did it looks like she’s definitely in the state of mind to make a scene. If we get back his RSVP card and her name is on it, isn’t it too late to do anything about it?

I realize I already have tripped up on the etiquette game by dis-inviting a member of the bridal party, and there is probably no going back to solve it, so what do I do now? I know I can’t keep her out of public spaces, and the ceremony is in a park. I feel like at this point, when it comes to the reception, the ball is in Carl’s court, who may not know what went on.

tl;dr: I uninvited a bridesmaid, who wronged another bridesmaid, and she may may try to hop on to a friend's plus one and FI wants to know if we should explain the situation to that friend.

btw, literally everything else has gone smoothly with this wedding, in large part thanks to the advice I have read on this forum. Thank you ladies!

Re: Bridesmaid situation

  • Hi ladies, I have lurked a great deal and read a lot of great advice on here, but this particular situation is perplexing me. If there is a black and white etiquette-friendly solution that I’m just not seeing, please let me know.

    One of my bridesmaids, Kelly, is in a self-destructive downward spiral that started a few months ago after some difficult events in her life. The latest development a few weeks ago was that she drunkenly hooked up with the boyfriend of another bridesmaid, Jane. It was one thing after another - really weird behavior and then - boom. I spoke to Jane, who graciously told me she would bow out of the wedding party so I didn’t have to, in her words, “fire,” Kelly. I went the other way. I only chose three ladies to stand by my side in the first place, and I wasn’t about to choose the culprit over the victim. Also, by every possible metric, Jane is my better friend.

    I called Kelly, knowing this was a friendship-ending move, explained that I wasn’t comfortable with her as a bridesmaid. I paid for her dress and alterations, and I’m returning her shower gift. She’s not out any money for this wedding as far as I can tell. She understood on the phone, but days later, I got her RSVP card in the mail with “F—k No” scrawled on it in sharpie. She’s not taking it too well. Nor should she be - I behaved badly by disinviting her - I own that. It was a rock and hard place scenario and I made a choice.

    Cut to a week later and FI learns that one of his friends, Carl, has started dating Kelly. They are adults, whatever. Not getting involved except - Carl has a plus one to the wedding and invitations have already gone out, RSVP date is in three weeks. FI is worried that Carl might try to bring Kelly as his date. He wants to call Carl and suss out whether he is thinking of bringing her and explain the situation. I am firmly against this - I doubt if she even wants to come at this point, but if she did it looks like she’s definitely in the state of mind to make a scene. If we get back his RSVP card and her name is on it, isn’t it too late to do anything about it?

    I realize I already have tripped up on the etiquette game by dis-inviting a member of the bridal party, and there is probably no going back to solve it, so what do I do now? I know I can’t keep her out of public spaces, and the ceremony is in a park. I feel like at this point, when it comes to the reception, the ball is in Carl’s court, who may not know what went on.

    tl;dr: I uninvited a bridesmaid, who wronged another bridesmaid, and she may may try to hop on to a friend's plus one and FI wants to know if we should explain the situation to that friend.

    btw, literally everything else has gone smoothly with this wedding, in large part thanks to the advice I have read on this forum. Thank you ladies!
    I think your first mistake was making this all about the wedding.  You said yourself your friend is in a downward spiral.  It would have been better to address her behavior and how its pulling her down than how her behavior effects your wedding.  

    But what's done is done.  I think that you should not reach out to Carl.  You gave him a plus one and he can bring anyone he wants, as long as that person hasn't tried to sleep with your FI, break you two up, or been physically violent against another guest.  None of that seems to be the case for Kelly.  Let her attend and be gracious to her when you see her at the wedding.

    If you are afraid of her making a scene, contact the caterers and let her know that if she gets out of hand she can be escorted off the premises.  If you are truly worried about her making a scene, perhaps hire some security or an off-duty cop for the event.  But any scene she may make will reflect poorly upon her and not you.  As long as you keep your calm and cool if she confronts you, she will look worse.

    Its also not too late to gather a group of friends and try talking to Kelly about how her recent behavior has effected them and how she needs help.
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Did Jane give you an ultimatum, either her or Kelly, and that's why she offered to step down from the BP?  If not, I agree with PP that the biggest mistake was mixing Kelly's downward spiral with your wedding, and there being a wedding-related repercussion.
    Carl is free to bring whoever he'd like...I'm not sure how comforting it is to hear, but any poor behavior on Kelly's part really is a reflection on her, not you.  Good luck!
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Sounds like you are still trying to maintain a relationship with Kelly. Thus, let Carl bring her if he wants, keep the lines of communication open. You already invited her yourself, so Carl bringing her is no different. Leave the ball in her court.
  • edited August 2016
    **Removed for TOU violation**
    image
  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2016
    **Quoted Post removed for TOS violation**

    SaveSave
  • monkeysip said:

    You kicked her out of your wedding because her very presence threatened your pre wedding parties and wedding day. You didn't want her to "ruin your day" and so you ended the friendship and are back at square one wondering if it'll happen anyways. Be a better person and you won't have these problems. 

    Fuck the wedding, you need to work on your personal quality. 
    I'm not sure this is fair.  It seems more like she's trying to help her other bridesmaid and friend not feel extremely uncomfortable.  I don't think it was the most prudent choice, but it wasn't without merit.
    Take the wedding out of it.  Is OP still friends with Kelly?  Probably, and that is where my comment comes from. 

    According to OP:
    She has three bridesmaids, so seemingly Kelly was one of her best friends. 

    Jane is hosting the pre wedding parties and wouldn't feel comfortable doing so with Kelly in attendance. 

    OP picked Janes side because she's the victim of Kelly's behavior (apparently the fact that the boyfriend is a cheater isn't the bigger problem here).

    Now that Kelly may have another 'in' to the party, she wants to know how to save the day. I'm not seeing any real genuine concern for Kelly here. 

    Sure Kelly put her in a bad position but only because there is a wedding coming soon. Ending a friendship because she slept with a guy who has a girlfriend is extreme, thoughtless and makes you a bad friend. Especially when their behavior is "spiraling out of control."
    image
  • If my friend screwed my other friend's boyfriend, knowing he was her boyfriend, she'd be out of m life. Period.

    Since their boss is involved, I'm assuming they're co-workers, so op can't just tell Kelly to kick rocks. She is trying to help Kelly through her issues bc she is stuck dealing with Kelly at work.

    If that's wrong, then I can't figure out why OP would want to still be friends with Kelly. If it was me, I'd be done with Kelly, the cheating boyfriend and Carl. I don't need cheaters and drama llamas in my life.

    Ending a friendship with someone who slept with your friend's boyfriend is not extreme. It just says you don't condone cheating and don't want people like that in your life. I don't see who that can possibly make someone a bad person.

    From a different angle, if I was Jane, I'd stop hanging around anyone who wanted to stay friends with my cheating ex and the woman who knowingly slept with him. They can be friends with whomever they want, but they wouldn't be the type of people I'd want to associate with.
    And if that's how OP feels she should own it, instead of coming back claiming to care more about the ex friend than the wedding. 

    I personally am not that invested in my friends sex lives (especially when it sounds like the two parties who are actually involved weren't friends).  So I'm not ending a relationship over who they choose to sleep with unless it's who I'm sleeping with.

    For the record, one of my guests was once Kelly and Jane was a bridesmaid in my sisters wedding and Kelly was a guest. Both are married with kids now, Jane actually married the cheating boyfriend. Still none of my business. 
    image
  • If my friend screwed my other friend's boyfriend, knowing he was her boyfriend, she'd be out of m life. Period.

    Since their boss is involved, I'm assuming they're co-workers, so op can't just tell Kelly to kick rocks. She is trying to help Kelly through her issues bc she is stuck dealing with Kelly at work.

    If that's wrong, then I can't figure out why OP would want to still be friends with Kelly. If it was me, I'd be done with Kelly, the cheating boyfriend and Carl. I don't need cheaters and drama llamas in my life.

    Ending a friendship with someone who slept with your friend's boyfriend is not extreme. It just says you don't condone cheating and don't want people like that in your life. I don't see who that can possibly make someone a bad person.

    From a different angle, if I was Jane, I'd stop hanging around anyone who wanted to stay friends with my cheating ex and the woman who knowingly slept with him. They can be friends with whomever they want, but they wouldn't be the type of people I'd want to associate with.
    And if that's how OP feels she should own it, instead of coming back claiming to care more about the ex friend than the wedding. 

    I personally am not that invested in my friends sex lives (especially when it sounds like the two parties who are actually involved weren't friends).  So I'm not ending a relationship over who they choose to sleep with unless it's who I'm sleeping with.

    For the record, one of my guests was once Kelly and Jane was a bridesmaid in my sisters wedding and Kelly was a guest. Both are married with kids now, Jane actually married the cheating boyfriend. Still none of my business. 
    Personally, I that knowingly sleeping with someone who is in a relationship is not a character trait I'm looking for in a close friend. That's my opinion. I think it says a lot about a person if they sleep with cheaters. 

    It's also not my business if someone cheats on their taxes, same thing, not my business, but I'd choose not to associate with dishonest people. Or shoplifts.

    If you lie, cheat or steal, I can't trust you and won't choose to be around you. Not saying others can't, or I wish you any ill will. It's just how I choose to live and who I associate with.

    I couldn't care less about what two consenting adults do, but cheating involved a 3rd non consenting adult. I think cheaters are selfish, cowards and not people I want to be around by choice.

    And if OP feels that way, you are correct, she should own it.

    However, I think your assessment of OP and her need to be a better person are harsh. I think Kelly is the one who needs to be a better person. It doesn't make her a bad friend if she chooses Jane over Kelly. Kelly didn't sleep with some random guy with a girlfriend, if she didn't know Jane in passing at least, that's a real unfortunate coincidence and a movie plot. And now she's moved on to Carl, so she seems to be in the friend circle enough to know who is dating who.
    I may be inferring a lot from the post, but there's a difference between a bad friend who behaves like this normally, and a friend who went through something and is now spiraling out of control.

    She has 3 bridesmaids, so it's safe to assume Kelly was a truly close friend. The things OP shared, that I referenced in my last post, lead me to believe she cares more about her wedding and less about her friendship and that's why I believe, she's being a bad friend. OP made a choice, because of her wedding, to involve herself in Kelly and Janes situation.  

    image
  • The OP made exactly the right call. She couldn't keep both girls as bridesmaids and I cannot believe anyone would suggest Jane should be the one to go in that situation.

    Hopefully given her response to the RSVP she won't want to go as this plus one.
  • What a sucky situation. OP, I can understand why you asked your friend to step down. She did a shitty thing. If you have in fact tried to help her, that's great. The times when we're at our lowest is when we need our friends the most. If she was so close that you had asked her to be in your wedding, I would think she's one of your best friends. She did something horrible, yes. I'm sure she feels awful, but to then be dropped by your best friend - that's got to hurt her even more. 

    Anyway, what's done is done. Don't call the friend and ask if he's bringing her. If she comes, then you and your FI can just politely say hi to her and let her enjoy the wedding. And yes, sit them on opposite sides of the room. 
  • When you get Carl's RSVP back, if there is a plus one, when it gets close to the wedding, just call him (you or FI) just politely call him and ask him for seating chart purposes, can you have the name of his plus one. If it's Kelly, then I would give Jane a heads up that Kelly will be there, but that you will be sitting her across the room from her. This way Jane isn't caught off guard. Also try to put Kelly as far away from the bar as possible. The further she has to walk, hopefully the less she'll drink. You may also want to give the venue a heads up that you do have a guest coming that you have concerns about making a scene and talk to them about how you would want to have it handled if something comes up.

    Now depending on how much time there still is before your wedding, if she's in a downward spiral, there is a good chance Carl will see that behavior quickly & won't be dating her by time your wedding date comes around. Or who knows, dating Carl may be the thing that helps her turn the corner and get back to being the person you use to be friends with. I'm not saying that you should be friends with her again, just saying maybe it will get her back to the person she use to be.



  • Whoa! So much to respond to! Sorry all, Sunday dinner.

    @kimmiinthemitten You are correct. I am being a bad friend. Kelly is going through a trauma. She's been going through it for about six months now. We've all been trying to help her get out of it. But at a certain point when people refuse to get help, you have to set boundaries for your own sanity. I could list the awful risky behavior and cries for help here, and you may understand, or you may not, but for me, I felt that the more I was trying to be there for her, the more she was pushing me away. It was time to pull the plug. I don't blame her for everything - trauma is trauma - I just can't do this anymore.

    *snip*
    This.

    Actions have consequences, even if you're acting out because you're going through some shit.

    I hope Kelly is able to seek help and get herself back together, but sadly only she can do that.  And in the interim, while it's obvious that people genuinely care for her and are trying to help her, she's likely going to damage a lot of relationships.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Whoa! So much to respond to! Sorry all, Sunday dinner.

    @kimmiinthemitten You are correct. I am being a bad friend. Kelly is going through a trauma. She's been going through it for about six months now. We've all been trying to help her get out of it. But at a certain point when people refuse to get help, you have to set boundaries for your own sanity. I could list the awful risky behavior and cries for help here, and you may understand, or you may not, but for me, I felt that the more I was trying to be there for her, the more she was pushing me away. It was time to pull the plug. I don't blame her for everything - trauma is trauma - I just can't do this anymore.

    *snip*
    This.

    Actions have consequences, even if you're acting out because you're going through some shit.

    I hope Kelly is able to seek help and get herself back together, but sadly only she can do that.  And in the interim, while it's obvious that people genuinely care for her and are trying to help her, she's likely going to damage a lot of relationships.
    Agree with all of this. We had a friend who sounds similar. He had (well, probably still has) a serious drinking problem, in addition to anger issues (and possible mental health disorders that are undiagnosed/untreated). He was H's best man, and for a LONG time, H tried very hard to be a good friend; he made every effort to support him through his struggles, even helping him financially when he hit some bad luck. Yet every couple of weeks, this friend would call or text H to tell him what a horrible friend he was, how he hoped he'd rot in hell, that H will be a terrible father if we even have kids (he's aware of the struggles we've faced trying to get pregnant, so that was a low blow), etc.

    It got to the point last spring where H cut all ties, because sometimes, there really is only so much you can do for a person when they refuse to/cannot be helped. Sounds like OP has put in the effort, but at some point you really do need to set boundaries.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I can't say that I would have done things differently either.   If you knowingly sleep with the SO of a dear friend then you're doing things that are at least venturing into deal breaking territory for me.   

    That doesn't mean that I'll stop caring about you as a person.   However in a situation like a BP I'd probably do the same thing.  

    If you did this now that I'm a married woman maybe I'd still talk to you but I can tell you that when DH and I have our annual big event, I know who wouldn't be invited. 
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Whoa! So much to respond to! Sorry all, Sunday dinner.

    @kimmiinthemitten You are correct. I am being a bad friend. Kelly is going through a trauma. She's been going through it for about six months now. We've all been trying to help her get out of it. But at a certain point when people refuse to get help, you have to set boundaries for your own sanity. I could list the awful risky behavior and cries for help here, and you may understand, or you may not, but for me, I felt that the more I was trying to be there for her, the more she was pushing me away. It was time to pull the plug. I don't blame her for everything - trauma is trauma - I just can't do this anymore.

    *snip*
    This.

    Actions have consequences, even if you're acting out because you're going through some shit.

    I hope Kelly is able to seek help and get herself back together, but sadly only she can do that.  And in the interim, while it's obvious that people genuinely care for her and are trying to help her, she's likely going to damage a lot of relationships.
    Agreed. OP doesn't owe Kelly her sanity, nor is she responsible to fix Kelly's problems.

    I probably would've made the same decision as the OP. It's an awkward decision all around.
  • I would have done exactly what OP did in this situation. Kelly was in the wrong, regardless of what's going on in her life. OP wants Jane to be next to her on her wedding day. To make that happen, Kelly had to go.

    OP, if Carl wants to bring Kelly, warn Jane and make sure they're seated far far apart. Judging by her RSVP, she's not interested anyway.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards