Wedding Etiquette Forum

Who Pays for the Day After Brunch?

My mom is convinced that everyone does a brunch and the groom's family is supposed to pay for it.  But I don't see "brunch" listed on any of the who-pays-for-what lists, and I don't want to stick my new in laws with hosting a brunch (which they have never heard of doing for a wedding before) if it isn't something they have to host.

So I am figuring that a next-morning brunch isn't something that everyone does, but if it is done, what's the etiquette for who pays for it?
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Re: Who Pays for the Day After Brunch?

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2016
    No one has to host anything (except for a reception if you are having guests at your ceremony)! Your Mom is mistaken. The idea of a day after brunch is a relatively new one. We didn't have one for DD's wedding - H said we had paid enough already for everything else and SIL's parents didn't offer. They did just spread by word of mouth that they would be in the hotel restaurant the morning after from x to z time if people wanted to stop by and say good bye. That way the guests paid for their own breakfast.
  • We didn't have a day-after brunch.  If we did, we'd have paid for it, same as we paid for our wedding.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    short+sassy
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2016
    My mom is convinced that everyone does a brunch and the groom's family is supposed to pay for it.  But I don't see "brunch" listed on any of the who-pays-for-what lists, and I don't want to stick my new in laws with hosting a brunch (which they have never heard of doing for a wedding before) if it isn't something they have to host.

    So I am figuring that a next-morning brunch isn't something that everyone does, but if it is done, what's the etiquette for who pays for it?
    There is no such thing as a "who pays for what" list. 

    It is becoming more and more common for the bride and groom, as adults, to pay for their own wedding.  IF a family member(s) offers to pay for something, you can decide whether or not to graciously accept their offer.  However, if you lurk on the boards you will soon find that there are often horror stories attached to these monetary "gifts".  The mantra becomes "those who pay, have a say".  Unless you want your wedding dictated by those who offer money, it is best to assume you are paying for your wedding.

    You cannot "stick" your in-laws or anyone else with any financial burden attached to YOUR wedding.

    A "morning after" brunch has become popular but is in no way expected or necessary.  Are you having a lot of OOT guests?  What many brides will do is make an announcement stating that she and groom will be down in the lounge at XX:XX for breakfast, and would love to see others at that time.  The onus is then on each guest to pay for their own breakfast.  It works especially well if you stay at a hotel that offers free breakfast.
    mollybarker11short+sassy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If your mom wants there to be a day-after brunch, it's up to her to host and pay for it. If you and your FI want there to be a day-after brunch, it's up to you two to host and pay for it.

    But neither you nor your mom has any right to "expect" anyone to throw and pay for any party that they haven't offered to do on their own.
    PrettyGirlLostSTARMOON44
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ditto what PP's said- if you or your mom wants a brunch, then you guys pay for it. 

    Or, you could informally tell people by word of mouth, "Groom and I are having brunch with our parents at X time and Y place the next morning."

    My venue was a bed and breakfast that had a Sunday brunch buffet, so most of my guests who stayed at the B&B also came down for the brunch, as did we.  We asked to be seated together in the same general area, but we were not "hosting" the brunch- every man paid for themselves. 

    Well, except for one of DH's cousins who was confused and thought the brunch was a private event we were hosting for everyone, so he asked the waiter to put his bill on our room tab, but the DOC saw what happened when we went to check out and were given a bill for our balance, and we were like, "Uh, WTF?  We paid the remainder of our balance like 2 weeks ago as per our contract.  There's no balance."

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2016
    What everyone else said. It's extremely rude of your mom to want something and expect someone else to pay for it. The only people responsible for the costs of the wedding are the couple getting married.

     If the parents or uncles or grandparents or whoever offer money or to host something, that's great and the couple can take them up on the offer. But in what world is it ok to say "hey groom's parents, we want a morning after brunch and you have to pay for it". That is how people have wedding planning issues and arguments.

    No one has to pay for anything they don't want to.
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    STARMOON44short+sassy
  • My mom is convinced that everyone does a brunch and the groom's family is supposed to pay for it.  But I don't see "brunch" listed on any of the who-pays-for-what lists, and I don't want to stick my new in laws with hosting a brunch (which they have never heard of doing for a wedding before) if it isn't something they have to host.

    So I am figuring that a next-morning brunch isn't something that everyone does, but if it is done, what's the etiquette for who pays for it?
    1) Your mom is wrong.   We didn't do a day after brunch.   DH and I woke up the day after our wedding and just left the hotel.     We've attended several weddings and we attended brunch with the couple at maybe 3 or 4.   In a few of those cases, brunch consisted of traveling as a group to go get food and we were on our own for the payment.

    2) If your mom actually wants a day after brunch then it's on her to pay for it.


    The lists of who pays for what need to go away.   Think of it like the lists of anniversary gifts.   Next year is my 10 year "diamond" anniversary.   I can tell DH, "That's the diamond anniversary so you'll buy me something with diamonds in it.   It's on the list."   I guarantee you that his responses to me will involve either:
    1 - falling on the floor laughing.
    2 - eyerolling
    3 - some kind of a computer part that uses diamonds as semiconductors.
    But there's no way I can actually force him to buy me that and we share finances.

    Your mom can't decide that she wants something and now someone else has to pay for it.   Life doesn't work that way. 
  • PP's have this covered.  You should never ask someone to host something just because it is on some list somewhere.  I hope you haven't asked the grooms parents to pay for a rehearsal dinner!  Anything that you want/need to host is your responsibility.  If someone offers you money you can take it, but make sure you don't mind the strings that come attached to it!
  • edited August 2016

    It is always bad ETIQUETTE to ask others for money. That said, follow this general rule: if you want it, pay for it. If your mom wants it, she pays for it. You get the idea.

    ETA: Also, we didn't do a brunch. We just told people on our website and by word of mouth that we were going to be a nearby coffee shop between 10-11 if they wanted to say bye. No formal invitation and people just bought themselves a coffee if they wanted it.

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  • In my FIs culture, this is the case. Though, they usually just 'host' a brunch and cook for the wedding party, and so far all of the grooms family has always OFFERED.

    I think it would be really rude to TELL someone 'Hey, we're having a brunch tomorrow, and btw you're paying. Thanks!'

    image
  • banana468 said:
    My mom is convinced that everyone does a brunch and the groom's family is supposed to pay for it.  But I don't see "brunch" listed on any of the who-pays-for-what lists, and I don't want to stick my new in laws with hosting a brunch (which they have never heard of doing for a wedding before) if it isn't something they have to host.

    So I am figuring that a next-morning brunch isn't something that everyone does, but if it is done, what's the etiquette for who pays for it?
    1) Your mom is wrong.   We didn't do a day after brunch.   DH and I woke up the day after our wedding and just left the hotel.     We've attended several weddings and we attended brunch with the couple at maybe 3 or 4.   In a few of those cases, brunch consisted of traveling as a group to go get food and we were on our own for the payment.

    2) If your mom actually wants a day after brunch then it's on her to pay for it.


    The lists of who pays for what need to go away.   Think of it like the lists of anniversary gifts.   Next year is my 10 year "diamond" anniversary.   I can tell DH, "That's the diamond anniversary so you'll buy me something with diamonds in it.   It's on the list."   I guarantee you that his responses to me will involve either:
    1 - falling on the floor laughing.
    2 - eyerolling
    3 - some kind of a computer part that uses diamonds as semiconductors.
    But there's no way I can actually force him to buy me that and we share finances.

    Your mom can't decide that she wants something and now someone else has to pay for it.   Life doesn't work that way. 
    OT, but this is a great idea and I am totally going to do this for H when we reach that anniversary!!  He loves computers/old computer parts, that is perfect:)  I enjoy those gift lists, but just for fun.  I'd never be upset that a present didn't fit it.
    short+sassy
  • I didn't even have to read a single part of the actual post (but I did) to have the answer: you do. You pay for it if you want it. If someone else wants it, (aka your mom) then they pay for it. 

    The fuck is this shit? Who pays for X y z? YOU DO. YOURE THE ONE GETTING MARRIED. FFS. 

    (I'm not yelling at you specifically, OP, just everyone and everything that makes people assign other people's money to other people's shit) 
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  • OP... just making sure here:
    You didn't tell your FI's family they were paying for the rehearsal dinner and the alcohol did you? I know it's often on the lists.
    If they are paying for it, they offered all on their own, correct?
    OliveOilsMom
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    OP, do you want a brunch?

    If you do want one, here are a few ways to go about it--

    1) Full-out host a brunch and invite all wedding guests regardless of who is staying at a hotel. I attended one of these in a hotel conference room with a huge buffet and it was lovely and paid for by.... not me, as a guest (score! hah I think it was the parents of the groom). The information about brunch was on their wedding website, not part of the invitation suite. 

    2) If many guests are staying at a hotel that doesn't include free brunch, you can host a brunch by pre-paying for everyone's meal via vouchers and naming a time to meet. I also attended one of these. The voucher for free brunch was provided at check-in time with a note that the happy couple would be down at 9am. (I think they only paid if the voucher was used, which is helpful.)

    3) If many guests are staying at a hotel that has free breakfast, spread by word of mouth (or via concierge, or via welcome baskets) that you'll be down at x time and whoever can meet up, can meet up.

    4) Don't do anything official. If the hotel has breakfast available, just go down and whoever's there is there. We didn't do anything official for our wedding, but still ended up eating eggs with several friends and my parents. It just worked out that way. We even loitered for awhile as we didn't really have anywhere else to be and we kept seeing other guests. It was nice and relaxed. 
    ________________________________


  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    My mom is convinced that everyone does a brunch and the groom's family is supposed to pay for it.  But I don't see "brunch" listed on any of the who-pays-for-what lists, and I don't want to stick my new in laws with hosting a brunch (which they have never heard of doing for a wedding before) if it isn't something they have to host.

    So I am figuring that a next-morning brunch isn't something that everyone does, but if it is done, what's the etiquette for who pays for it?
    None of those 'who pays for what' lists have anything to do with etiquette at all.  It's nobody's job to pay for anything for your wedding except you and your FI.  Do not ask anybody to pay for any part of your wedding/"stick" anybody with hosting; it's rude to ask.  If somebody offers to host something for you, be pleasantly surprised.



  • ei34ei34 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I've attended a few day-after brunches now, but I've only been close enough to three couples to know who paid (my sister, a cousin, and a good friend).  In all three instances the groom's parents did pay.  Could be a circle thing that your mom got wind of?  That said, it's definitely not the responsibility of anyone!  If your mom wants a day after brunch, it's on her to host one.
  • edited August 2016
    If we do a casual, free-flowing brunch, is it appropriate to open gifts during that time? Like, "Hey, we'll be here eating and opening presents, come hang if you'd like" type of thing? 

    We are semi-destination and were thinking of possibly combining the gift opening with brunch but I feel like that's weird if the guests are expected to pay for their meals. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to attend, but I don't want anyone to miss out (moms and grandmas) since we live out of state. 
  • If we do a casual, free-flowing brunch, is it appropriate to open gifts during that time? Like, "Hey, we'll be here eating and opening presents, come hang if you'd like" type of thing? 

    We are semi-destination and were thinking of possibly combining the gift opening with brunch but I feel like that's weird if the guests are expected to pay for their meals. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to attend, but I don't want anyone to miss out (moms and grandmas) since we live out of state. 

    I've never heard of this (having guests watch you open presents) outside of a shower.

    For the day-after brunch - every brunch I've attended recently has had a hosted a very nice brunch. One time it was hosted by the bride's aunt and at her house, one was hosted by the brides parents (rest of wedding paid for by the grooms), and the other was hosted by the couple themselves (wealthy slightly older couple, very high class destination wedding), one was hosted by the grooms parents (they paid for the whole shindig).

    I don't think there's a traditional rule on this (like the "RD" rule) since it's a new thing. 

    If you want one, have one. If your mom wants one, she can host one. If not, you don't have one. I also don't really want to watch you open gifts, but idk, maybe this is a thing.
  • The day after my brother's wedding, immediate family went to their house to eat leftovers from the dinner and watch them open gifts. I enjoyed it because I am close to them (and nosy!) but I think it would be terribly awkward and dull for most guests to watch you open all your gifts.
    ILoveBeachMusicpoodledoodleoooInLoveInQueens
  • The day after my brother's wedding, immediate family went to their house to eat leftovers from the dinner and watch them open gifts. I enjoyed it because I am close to them (and nosy!) but I think it would be terribly awkward and dull for most guests to watch you open all your gifts.
    I don't want to make things awkward or boring. We've got some interesting family dynamics going on right now [read: drama] so doing it at someone's house the day after isn't doable for us. I like the idea of just doing brunch, letting guests know where we'll be, and then FI and I will just do gifts on our own. 
    KnickerGoldSP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If we do a casual, free-flowing brunch, is it appropriate to open gifts during that time? Like, "Hey, we'll be here eating and opening presents, come hang if you'd like" type of thing? 

    We are semi-destination and were thinking of possibly combining the gift opening with brunch but I feel like that's weird if the guests are expected to pay for their meals. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to attend, but I don't want anyone to miss out (moms and grandmas) since we live out of state. 

    I've never heard of this (having guests watch you open presents) outside of a shower.

    For the day-after brunch - every brunch I've attended recently has had a hosted a very nice brunch. One time it was hosted by the bride's aunt and at her house, one was hosted by the brides parents (rest of wedding paid for by the grooms), and the other was hosted by the couple themselves (wealthy slightly older couple, very high class destination wedding), one was hosted by the grooms parents (they paid for the whole shindig).

    I don't think there's a traditional rule on this (like the "RD" rule) since it's a new thing. 

    If you want one, have one. If your mom wants one, she can host one. If not, you don't have one. I also don't really want to watch you open gifts, but idk, maybe this is a thing.
    The day after my cousin's wedding, he and his wife held a "gift-opening" during a brunch at his parents' house.

    Having brunch with the family was fine, but the "gift-opening" was really boring. I don't advise it.
  • Why would anyone even bring boxed gifts to a destination wedding? Open your gifts at home. With your husband.
    huskypuppy14KnickerGoldInLoveInQueenspeachy13
  • If we do a casual, free-flowing brunch, is it appropriate to open gifts during that time? Like, "Hey, we'll be here eating and opening presents, come hang if you'd like" type of thing? 

    We are semi-destination and were thinking of possibly combining the gift opening with brunch but I feel like that's weird if the guests are expected to pay for their meals. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to attend, but I don't want anyone to miss out (moms and grandmas) since we live out of state. 
    I've been a to a couple of these gift opening day after showers (usually at someone's house and they serve/host the food) and the gift part is super awkward. No one will miss it if you skip that part. 
    mollybarker11
  • Why would anyone even bring boxed gifts to a destination wedding? Open your gifts at home. With your husband.
    The horror! *gasp* 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Why would anyone even bring boxed gifts to a destination wedding? Open your gifts at home. With your husband.
    The horror! *gasp* 
    She's just saying that most people are going to be smart enough to give you cash or ship it to your home, rather than force you to figure out how to get the gifts back home. So there would be very few gifts to open.
    huskypuppy14STARMOON44OliveOilsMomInLoveInQueens
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Why would anyone even bring boxed gifts to a destination wedding? Open your gifts at home. With your husband.
    Yeah I had a wedding that was not a destination and most people didn't bring boxed gifts. I think we had maybe 6 boxed gifts at the wedding and like 50 cards. Most people send a gift a head of time to your house or give a card with money at the wedding. No one wants to watch you open 50 cards, unless they are extremely nosy.
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    charlotte989875STARMOON44
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