I recently lost my brother, who was not the first of my siblings to die. In addition to the appalling way he died, the loss of no longer having him to talk to is so painful. I’ve lost part of my childhood and part of who I am. There is another thing I wasn’t prepared for: I have taken care of my siblings all their lives because of our abusive, violent, mentally ill, drunk parents. Now there is a huge space in my life where that used to be. In an obvious way that’s a good thing to not have to do anymore. But I don’t know what to put in my life in its place. And I feel such guilt for even thinking that, now, I can put my mental energy in a place I’d have liked it to be all these years. How do I finally do what I want with my life, and how do I not feel like I am still abandoning him, which I know logically makes no sense?