Wedding Etiquette Forum

Who Pays for the Day After Brunch?

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Re: Who Pays for the Day After Brunch?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    Re: opening gifts at shower v. day after wedding is that a shower is specifically a gift giving event, and those that choose to attend know this and bring/send gifts. While sure most people give gifts at wedding that isn't the point of the event. Additionally at showers all the gift givers are there, whereas the day after the wedding not everyone will be there so you'll be opening gifts from people not in attendance in front of other people. 
    I agree. Also, there are (generally) many fewer gifts to open at showers than at day-after-wedding events, so the opening doesn't take as long.
    In my experience there are waaaaay more gifts to open at showers than physical gifts given at the wedding, and in my circle many people give physical gifts at weddings.

    I went to a wedding in Canada once where we were invited to have brunch and wedding left overs with the B&G and their families the next day.  They opened their wedding gifts and cards at this time.  I thought it was nice to be included and I wasn't bored or felt that it was awkward.
    We've had different experiences. The showers I've been to only had a pretty small number of guests, whereas the "gift-openings" involved couples who waited until after the wedding to open any non-shower gifts received up to that point and then opened them all at the "gift-openings." 

    But at the gift-openings, I didn't feel "included" and it wasn't interesting watching the couple open tons of gifts from people I didn't know.
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I've never been to a post wedding brunch (never invited). If I would go depends on if I was staying in the area and what I had going on the next day.

    I would say no to opening gifts. I don't think it's inherently wrong, just not the best time. OP, if there are people who specifically want to be involved in watching you open wedding gifts, do something with them.

    We opened our cards and gifts (2 boxed gifts at the wedding) at my dad's kitchen table with my parents around.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:
    I still don't understand the gift opening portion of this. Why open the gifts? Why does this need to be done in front of your brunch guests? If the brunch is to spend more time with people, why include something where you're not really interacting with your guests?

    Also, let's say Aunt Mary could only afford a boxed gift of hand towels. That gift is then opened up and displayed for everyone to see, while Uncle Jim gave you a $300 vase. IMO, it just comes off as distasteful. 
    This.   If I thought you were going to do a public gift opening after the wedding I probably would send you a wedding gift a week or two after the big day.

    I give a shower gift knowing that it's for public viewing.   I give a wedding gift with the concept that it's for the B&G's eyes only. 


    Objectively speaking, this is a sad reflection on society. 

    We always say give what you can afford. Should poor people skip showers altogether because heaven forbid they buy a couple things for $20 off the registry while someone else gifts the Williams Sonoma cookwear sets?

    Every single shower has something deemed "distasteful" apparently- there is always a wide disparity in dollar amount of gift given, especially when you start mixing poor college students with wealthy aunties. 

    The only reason to give a gift for the happy couple's eyes only is if it's a Kama Sutra book. 
    ________________________________


    ILoveBeachMusicPrettyGirlLostSP29
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:
    I still don't understand the gift opening portion of this. Why open the gifts? Why does this need to be done in front of your brunch guests? If the brunch is to spend more time with people, why include something where you're not really interacting with your guests?

    Also, let's say Aunt Mary could only afford a boxed gift of hand towels. That gift is then opened up and displayed for everyone to see, while Uncle Jim gave you a $300 vase. IMO, it just comes off as distasteful. 
    This.   If I thought you were going to do a public gift opening after the wedding I probably would send you a wedding gift a week or two after the big day.

    I give a shower gift knowing that it's for public viewing.   I give a wedding gift with the concept that it's for the B&G's eyes only. 


    I don't follow this logic.

    That exact hypothetical scenario from Climbing's post is played out all the time at bridal and baby showers, and children's birthday parties, and Christmas gift exchanges with no monetary limits, etc. Anyone looking down their noses at what other people are giving as gifts are shallow, materialistic assholes, frankly.

    This is one of those times in life when you just have to get over your own anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and fears of being judged, or you decline the shower invitation.

    Not that I'm advocating for opening gifts at a post wedding brunch, but if we don't worry about possibly shaming ppl for publicly opening shower gifts- not to do so would be rude, as I have heard 1 million times on these boards, then why would we worry about possibly shaming ppl by publicly opening gifts at a post wedding brunch?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2016
    banana468 said:
    I still don't understand the gift opening portion of this. Why open the gifts? Why does this need to be done in front of your brunch guests? If the brunch is to spend more time with people, why include something where you're not really interacting with your guests?

    Also, let's say Aunt Mary could only afford a boxed gift of hand towels. That gift is then opened up and displayed for everyone to see, while Uncle Jim gave you a $300 vase. IMO, it just comes off as distasteful. 
    This.   If I thought you were going to do a public gift opening after the wedding I probably would send you a wedding gift a week or two after the big day.

    I give a shower gift knowing that it's for public viewing.   I give a wedding gift with the concept that it's for the B&G's eyes only. 


    I don't follow this logic.

    That exact hypothetical scenario from Climbing's post is played out all the time at bridal and baby showers, and children's birthday parties, and Christmas gift exchanges with no monetary limits, etc. Anyone looking down their noses at what other people are giving as gifts are shallow, materialistic assholes, frankly.

    This is one of those times in life when you just have to get over your own anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and fears of being judged, or you decline the shower invitation.

    Not that I'm advocating for opening gifts at a post wedding brunch, but if we don't worry about possibly shaming ppl for publicly opening shower gifts- not to do so would be rude, as I have heard 1 million times on these boards, then why would we worry about possibly shaming ppl by publicly opening gifts at a post wedding brunch?
    Granted, this is more for birthday gifts and such, but whether my gift is a heartfelt letter or an inside joke, sometimes I don't want it shared with someone (or a large group of people) who aren't the recipient, because that could get awkward/it's really not meant for them, so why are they entitled to see/hear/have it explained? I can see instances where I would only want the bride and groom to be present for their gift opening, but it would not have to do with a dollar amount. More so they wouldn't be put on the spot for sharing something personal by nosy Aunt Susan.

    etf typo
  • banana468 said:
    I still don't understand the gift opening portion of this. Why open the gifts? Why does this need to be done in front of your brunch guests? If the brunch is to spend more time with people, why include something where you're not really interacting with your guests?

    Also, let's say Aunt Mary could only afford a boxed gift of hand towels. That gift is then opened up and displayed for everyone to see, while Uncle Jim gave you a $300 vase. IMO, it just comes off as distasteful. 
    This.   If I thought you were going to do a public gift opening after the wedding I probably would send you a wedding gift a week or two after the big day.

    I give a shower gift knowing that it's for public viewing.   I give a wedding gift with the concept that it's for the B&G's eyes only. 


    I don't follow this logic.

    That exact hypothetical scenario from Climbing's post is played out all the time at bridal and baby showers, and children's birthday parties, and Christmas gift exchanges with no monetary limits, etc. Anyone looking down their noses at what other people are giving as gifts are shallow, materialistic assholes, frankly.

    This is one of those times in life when you just have to get over your own anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and fears of being judged, or you decline the shower invitation.

    Not that I'm advocating for opening gifts at a post wedding brunch, but if we don't worry about possibly shaming ppl for publicly opening shower gifts- not to do so would be rude, as I have heard 1 million times on these boards, then why would we worry about possibly shaming ppl by publicly opening gifts at a post wedding brunch?

    A post wedding brunch isn't a gift giving event.   The shower IS a gift giving event.   If the brunch is called a 'post wedding brunch and gift opening' at least the guests know what to expect - I'm just not a fan.

    It's not about looking down on what I may have given although that can play into it.   It's that a shower gift is given knowing that it's open and public.  

    Generally for wedding gifts DH and I give a monetary gift of some amount.   While I can't control what the couple does, I'm not a fan of playing into an event where it's broadcasted.   I'd probably just say, "Oh your gift from us is in the mail!" if I thought that it was a public deal the next day.    

    In my own personal experience, because wedding gifts are often envelopes, I wouldn't be a fan of sitting next to the couple who heard that their amount was $50 more or less than what DH and I gave.    Then it starts to sound a bit more like listing the benefactors at a gala vs. oohing and aaahhhing over a crystal duck from Ross. 
    ViczaesarShesSoColdThisShamanluvsaMage
  • edited August 2016
    banana468 said:
    I still don't understand the gift opening portion of this. Why open the gifts? Why does this need to be done in front of your brunch guests? If the brunch is to spend more time with people, why include something where you're not really interacting with your guests?

    Also, let's say Aunt Mary could only afford a boxed gift of hand towels. That gift is then opened up and displayed for everyone to see, while Uncle Jim gave you a $300 vase. IMO, it just comes off as distasteful. 
    This.   If I thought you were going to do a public gift opening after the wedding I probably would send you a wedding gift a week or two after the big day.

    I give a shower gift knowing that it's for public viewing.   I give a wedding gift with the concept that it's for the B&G's eyes only. 


    I don't follow this logic.

    That exact hypothetical scenario from Climbing's post is played out all the time at bridal and baby showers, and children's birthday parties, and Christmas gift exchanges with no monetary limits, etc. Anyone looking down their noses at what other people are giving as gifts are shallow, materialistic assholes, frankly.

    This is one of those times in life when you just have to get over your own anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and fears of being judged, or you decline the shower invitation.

    Not that I'm advocating for opening gifts at a post wedding brunch, but if we don't worry about possibly shaming ppl for publicly opening shower gifts- not to do so would be rude, as I have heard 1 million times on these boards, then why would we worry about possibly shaming ppl by publicly opening gifts at a post wedding brunch?
    I've posted about my cousin's upcoming wedding a few times so far, it's black tie ~optional~ and it a 3 hour drive from where literally every guest lives, but it's their day blahblahblah. My husband's cheap as shit [bragged about leaving a 15% tip because of "amazing service"] boss (well, not direct boss but the guy one step above his group of coworkers) was telling him we had to give them at least $250/each because of the level of formality of their wedding and that it was my family. I was prepared for my husband to say he was joking but he was for real, apparently if you don't give at least $250 for a black tie and/or family wedding you're cheap and shouldn't even bother going.

    We are going to give what we can afford at the time of the wedding along with a nice card, I've already decided we're not telling anyone else what we're giving because too many people are shallow materialistic assholes. But if they want to judge that's their problem, I'm just not going to go about sharing our finances and gift choices.

    This same cousin is having welcome drinks Friday night and a goodbye brunch Sunday morning, neither of which we will be attending, but I hope the brunch isn't a gift opening. She didn't even open the gifts at her shower, maybe because she had ~100 guests and I can't imagine how long that would have taken.
    PrettyGirlLostcowgirl8238
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:
    I still don't understand the gift opening portion of this. Why open the gifts? Why does this need to be done in front of your brunch guests? If the brunch is to spend more time with people, why include something where you're not really interacting with your guests?

    Also, let's say Aunt Mary could only afford a boxed gift of hand towels. That gift is then opened up and displayed for everyone to see, while Uncle Jim gave you a $300 vase. IMO, it just comes off as distasteful. 
    This.   If I thought you were going to do a public gift opening after the wedding I probably would send you a wedding gift a week or two after the big day.

    I give a shower gift knowing that it's for public viewing.   I give a wedding gift with the concept that it's for the B&G's eyes only. 


    I don't follow this logic.

    That exact hypothetical scenario from Climbing's post is played out all the time at bridal and baby showers, and children's birthday parties, and Christmas gift exchanges with no monetary limits, etc. Anyone looking down their noses at what other people are giving as gifts are shallow, materialistic assholes, frankly.

    This is one of those times in life when you just have to get over your own anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and fears of being judged, or you decline the shower invitation.

    Not that I'm advocating for opening gifts at a post wedding brunch, but if we don't worry about possibly shaming ppl for publicly opening shower gifts- not to do so would be rude, as I have heard 1 million times on these boards, then why would we worry about possibly shaming ppl by publicly opening gifts at a post wedding brunch?
    I've posted about my cousin's upcoming wedding a few times so far, it's black tie ~optional~ and it a 3 hour drive from where literally every guest lives, but it's their day blahblahblah. My husband's cheap as shit [bragged about leaving a 15% tip because of "amazing service"] boss (well, not direct boss but the guy one step above his group of coworkers) was telling him we had to give them at least $250/each because of the level of formality of their wedding and that it was my family. I was prepared for my husband to say he was joking but he was for real, apparently if you don't give at least $250 for a black tie and/or family wedding you're cheap and shouldn't even bother going.

    We are going to give what we can afford at the time of the wedding along with a nice card, I've already decided we're not telling anyone else what we're giving because too many people are shallow materialistic assholes. But if they want to judge that's their problem, I'm just not going to go about sharing our finances and gift choices.

    This same cousin is having welcome drinks Friday night and a goodbye brunch Sunday morning, neither of which we will be attending, but I hope the brunch isn't a gift opening. She didn't even open the gifts at her shower, maybe because she had ~100 guests and I can't imagine how long that would have taken.
    Why would you ever had to tell anyone how much you gave as  a gift. The only people who should know that is the giver and the receiver.

    Also, whether it's a shower or a gift giving brunch, the bride and groom should never be broadcasting the monetary value of each gift. At my showers I have never said thank you grandma for the 100 dollar check, thank you aunt Mary for the 35 dollars. That's incredibly rude. 

    In addition, I believe it's actually proper to send a boxed gift ahead of time or after the wedding to the couple and not being it to the wedding itself. That's how I was taught. That's why most people just give cards. Clearly, this is regional. I've been to post wedding brunches, but none opened gifts and I would never think they would.
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    PrettyGirlLostthisismynickname2SP29cowgirl8238
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    Also, whether it's a shower or a gift giving brunch, the bride and groom should never be broadcasting the monetary value of each gift. At my showers I have never said thank you grandma for the 100 dollar check, thank you aunt Mary for the 35 dollars. That's incredibly rude.
    This exactly.  

    When I've been to showers or other gift giving parties and ppl have received cards with checks or cash or gift cards inside, they just said, "Thanks!"  They didn't announce the amount. The Canadian couple opening gifts at their brunch didn't either.

    banana468 said:

    It's not about looking down on what I may have given although that can play into it.   It's that a shower gift is given knowing that it's open and public.  

    ***SIB***

    OK. . .I still feel like I'm missing something.

    Whether or not I think a gift is going to be opened in front of people doesn't change what I give them nor the cost.

    Does that impact what type of physical gift you are giving?  Or its more that you're worried ppl would announce how much a check was if opened publicly?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."



  • Also, whether it's a shower or a gift giving brunch, the bride and groom should never be broadcasting the monetary value of each gift. At my showers I have never said thank you grandma for the 100 dollar check, thank you aunt Mary for the 35 dollars. That's incredibly rude.
    This exactly.  

    When I've been to showers or other gift giving parties and ppl have received cards with checks or cash or gift cards inside, they just said, "Thanks!"  They didn't announce the amount. The Canadian couple opening gifts at their brunch didn't either.

    banana468 said:

    It's not about looking down on what I may have given although that can play into it.   It's that a shower gift is given knowing that it's open and public.  

    ***SIB***

    OK. . .I still feel like I'm missing something.

    Whether or not I think a gift is going to be opened in front of people doesn't change what I give them nor the cost.

    Does that impact what type of physical gift you are giving?  Or its more that you're worried ppl would announce how much a check was if opened publicly?
    It's the public check opening.

    At least in my experience, the gift opening isn't just done with the couple next to each other.   There is a person with a pad writing down who gave what and on occasion, a nosy mother can wedge in there (or a father - no gender bias here).   So even if the bride and groom don't say, "Wooo hoo!   Looks like we can buy a new flat screen with Uncle Tom's gift!" someone else is peering over or can see.

    I know this is relatively small potatoes but it's not my cup of tea.  
    charlotte989875huskypuppy14cowgirl8238
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:

    Also, whether it's a shower or a gift giving brunch, the bride and groom should never be broadcasting the monetary value of each gift. At my showers I have never said thank you grandma for the 100 dollar check, thank you aunt Mary for the 35 dollars. That's incredibly rude.
    This exactly.  

    When I've been to showers or other gift giving parties and ppl have received cards with checks or cash or gift cards inside, they just said, "Thanks!"  They didn't announce the  if opened publicly?
    It's the public check opening.

    At least in my experience, the gift opening isn't just done with the couple next to each other.   There is a person with a pad writing down who gave what and on occasion, a nosy mother can wedge in there (or a father - no gender bias here).   So even if the bride and groom don't say, "Wooo hoo!   Looks like we can buy a new flat screen with Uncle Tom's gift!" someone else is peering over or can see.

    I know this is relatively small potatoes but it's not my cup of tea.  
    Good point!
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    When you buy gifts off the registry the couple and everyone else know what you've spent too, though.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • When you buy gifts off the registry the couple and everyone else know what you've spent too, though.
    Not really.   

    -You can use a coupon
    -The guests don't know if you shopped the registry or found the item somewhere else.  When I was pregnant with my first, my cousin told me she would get me the diaper genie.   She got it for me for free. 

    -You can give a non registry gift.   A few years ago at a baby shower I gave a handmade crocheted blanket.   No one had any idea of what I spent.   But I did give it knowing that people would look at it.  My cousin has made blankets.   DH's aunt made a Christmas tree topper.   Those were all passed around with no one having had any idea of the cost. 
    ILoveBeachMusic
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    At a shower, or a birthday party, etc. you're opening the gift in front of the gift giver. That's a whole different experience than opening up your wedding gifts in front of a select few. 
    ViczaesarSTARMOON44charlotte989875ThisShamanluvsaMage
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Probably late to the game. I had a day after brunch following my first wedding. It was hosted by my mother and was held at the hotel where my reception took place. It was a "come and go as you please" type event and a chance to see people again since most of my guests were from OOT. I did not and would have never considered opening gifts at the brunch. I was there to eat breakfast and chit chat.

     







  • MobKaz said:
    I will add to this point.  Although I have not seen this subject recently, brides have come on this board complaining about parents or in-laws insisting on knowing how much money each friend and/or relative gave to them.  Apparently, some parents will use this information to gauge their gift/cash giving to children of these friends and relatives.

    This is exactly what my MIL tried to do with our wedding.  She was at the shower and she tried to get us to hand her the "who gave what list" so that she could "make sure she keeps it even in the future."  I wasn't a fan...so when the wedding rolled around and we got a number of generous checks mixed with a number of "we gave what we could" checks we didn't tell her anything!!!

    I'm not saying she was using it in a malicious way...but seriously that was the number one reason my H and I did everything in private.

    MobKaz
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    I haven't read all the replies yet, but I wonder if the gift opening thing evolved from when gifts used to be displayed?  Way back when, before folks lived together regularly pre-marriage and hope chests and living at home until the wedding was the norm, wedding gifts would be displayed in the bride's home.  Often this was done with the intent of "come see what we've received" even if it was not necessarily a formal invited event.  If a visitor (generally a woman) dropped by, they would be given a "tour" of the gifts.  Showers are a much newer convention and may also have evolved from this practice.

     

    ILoveBeachMusic
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