FI wants to play golf with his friend day before our wedding

Knottie1467930835 · August 2016

My fiancé and I are getting married in Asheville, NC and we live near Atlanta, GA. The venue we chose has accommodations for us and all of our guests on site so it's going to be like a family and friend vacation weekend, which we are really looking forward to! My FI and I are getting to Asheville on Thursday along with some family members. Most family and friends are coming in Friday and we are getting married on Saturday. I was thinking my FI and I and whoever else is there Friday morning could all go do something together like go to The Biltmore Estate or something like that. However, my fiancé said he wants to go play golf with his friend Friday. At first, I said that was fine and I would still go to the Biltmore with whoever else wanted to. Now that I've thought about it more, it makes me sad that my FI doesn't want to hang out with me the day before our wedding, especially in Asheville- the place that we went on our first trip together and that is so special to us as a couple. Am I being ridiculous? Should I just drop it and let him go golf with his friend who lives 1000 miles away from us and who is coming all the way to Asheville for the weekend? I feel like he should want to spend the day with me since we will be there for our wedding! I feel like he is losing sight of that and is focusing more on himself and our guests than he and I. Then again, we already live together (have for almost 3 years) and spend everyday together. I'm obviously having conflicting feelings about this and would love some advice! Has anyone gone through something similar? How did it make you feel and what did you decide?

CMGragain · August 2016

Knottie1467930835 said:

My fiancé and I are getting married in Asheville, NC and we live near Atlanta, GA. The venue we chose has accommodations for us and all of our guests on site so it's going to be like a family and friend vacation weekend, which we are really looking forward to! My FI and I are getting to Asheville on Thursday along with some family members. Most family and friends are coming in Friday and we are getting married on Saturday. I was thinking my FI and I and whoever else is there Friday morning could all go do something together like go to The Biltmore Estate or something like that. However, my fiancé said he wants to go play golf with his friend Friday. At first, I said that was fine and I would still go to the Biltmore with whoever else wanted to. Now that I've thought about it more, it makes me sad that my FI doesn't want to hang out with me the day before our wedding, especially in Asheville- the place that we went on our first trip together and that is so special to us as a couple. Am I being ridiculous? Should I just drop it and let him go golf with his friend who lives 1000 miles away from us and who is coming all the way to Asheville for the weekend? I feel like he should want to spend the day with me since we will be there for our wedding! I feel like he is losing sight of that and is focusing more on himself and our guests than he and I. Then again, we already live together (have for almost 3 years) and spend everyday together. I'm obviously having conflicting feelings about this and would love some advice! Has anyone gone through something similar? How did it make you feel and what did you decide?

Yeah, you are being ridiculous. Let your FI do what he wants to do without any guilt tripping from you. He will be there when it matters, and you have the rest of your lives to spend time together.

Knottie1467930835 · August 2016

Lol thanks, I needed that brutal honesty.

drunkenwitch · August 2016

Let me get this straight. His dear friend, that he doesn't get to see often, is flying in and he wants to take a few hours and spend one on one time with him. You live with your FI and see him everyday and don't want him to spend just a little bit of time with his best friend.

I understand, it's your wedding. You're excited, he's excited and that's awesome. This is a very dear friend that lives far away of course your FI would spend some alone time with him. Let them have that time it won't take away from anything.

ei34 · August 2016

I know nothing about golf, but does it take all day? Could your FI possibly play golf for a few hours with his friend and then spend a few hours with you?
Certainly if there's anything wedding-related he should help you with it, since I'm in the "both the bride and the groom plan their wedding" camp. But if we're talking free time, could he not do a bit of both?

banana468 · August 2016

I'm a big proponent of being with your guests. You are going to spend the rest of your lives together!

lc07 · August 2016

@eileenrob I don't play but my understanding is that it takes about 4 hours to play a round of golf.

OP, it's usually so hard to see far flung friends once you're an adult and everyone has so many responsibilities. I'd try to be happy FI got to spend time with his friend whom he very rarely gets to see. If there is something special you want to do with FI while in town I'd make arrangements to do that on another day or make a separate trip back there sometime when you aren't trying to welcome and host so many out of town loved ones.

Knottie1467930835 · August 2016

@drunkenwitch okay okay I get it...thanks for the honesty, guess I deserved the memes

And I appreciate everyone else's advice about spending time with our guests, that is really important. We just got engaged 6 weeks ago and are getting married September 24th. It's been a little bit of a whirlwind planning everything, and I think it may be catching up with me.

drunkenwitch · August 2016

Knottie1467930835 said:

@drunkenwitch okay okay I get it...thanks for the honesty, guess I deserved the memes

And I appreciate everyone else's advice about spending time with our guests, that is really important. We just got engaged 6 weeks ago and are getting married September 24th. It's been a little bit of a whirlwind planning everything, and I think it may be catching up with me.

Of all the memes I could have used, at least David after the dentist will make you laugh.

ILoveBeachMusic · August 2016

I agree with PPs. Golf is often an activity the groom and friends do on a wedding weekend in our circle. Let him spend time with his friend, you don't have to do everything together.

AddieCake · August 2016

Let him hang out with the friend he doesn't see often.

SP29 · August 2016

I understand why you would think "why don't you want to spend time with ME", as usually leading up to the wedding you are getting all those warm bubbly "I'm going to marry my best friend" feelings, so of course you want to spend all your time with him, BUT...

Let him spend the time with his friend he rarely gets to see. Likewise, I think you will find that when your guests start arriving you will naturally want to spend time with the people you don't see very often.

Can he golf during the day with his friend, you do what you'd like to do during the day with your friends, and then in the evening, plan a group event that everyone can get together at?

kimmiinthemitten · August 2016

Even if it was about golf, I still see nothing wrong with spending some quality time apart before he wedding. Someone else posted on here a few days ago some words her pastor shared about really thinking about your vows and what that actually means. It's easy, especially with a short planning window, to get caught up in the details and forget about the meaning behind the actions.

My FI told me yesterday that he is planning on going for a 4 mile run the morning of. It's his thing and he wants to clear his head and focus on the wedding and ceremony and not the entertaining aspect of the day. I thought that was sweet and am glad he's found a way to channel that. Let your FI have his day. Maybe that's his way to clear his head before the ceremony too.

lyndausvi · August 2016

My husband played golf with about 40 other guys the day before the wedding.

I got my nails done with some of my friends/BMs. Took friends/BM/SILs/nieces out for lunch.

We met up right before the rehearsal.

We have been married for about 8 years not. Non-issue.

levioosa · August 2016

Agree with PPs. If the situation was flipped, and you had the opportunity to hang out with a friend you almost never see, but FI was giving you grief about it, how would you feel? As long as FI has helped you out with wedding related things, there's really no reason to keep him from hanging out with a good friend. The following day is all about the two of you. Let the rest of the time there be about enjoying time with family and friends you don't get to see often.

madamerwin · August 2016

My husband went to the driving range with a bunch of guys the day before our wedding, while I went with my BMs and some female family members to get our nails done. We met up later in the day, and then the two of us went and checked in to our hotel.

H and his GMs and various other friends of his went to play golf the MORNING OF our wedding. It's a tradition of sorts in his family. They teed off at 9am, pretty sure H only played 9 or 12 holes and was back to the hotel and in the shower at noon. (Everyone else played 18 holes and were done by 1:30 - and that's with, like, 18-20 people playing in groups of four).

I'm definitely a proponent of hanging out with your guests leading up to the wedding - you'll get to spend the rest of your life with your FI, so take some time for the people who traveled to see you. And golf should only take about 4 hours, max, with two people, so you'll still have time to hang out with him before or after.

lyndausvi · August 2016

I was thinking about this post this morning. I have to say I can't think of anytime a couple hung out together the entire day before the wedding.

There always seem to be last minute stuff so they divide and conquer. Brides tend to get their nails done. The couple may hangout with their WP members. There is always OOT guests around to deal with, etc. Heck, my sister had to WORK the day before her wedding.

The couple tends to meet up sometime in the afternoon or evening for the RD (if there is one.) Pretty normal actually.

OliveOilsMom · August 2016

lyndausvi said:

I was thinking about this post this morning. I have to say I can't think of anytime a couple hung out together the entire day before the wedding.

There always seem to be last minute stuff so they divide and conquer. Brides tend to get their nails done. The couple may hangout with their WP members. There is always OOT guests around to deal with, etc. Heck, my sister had to WORK the day before her wedding.

The couple tends to meet up sometime in the afternoon or evening for the RD (if there is one.) Pretty normal actually.

Yes, H worked up till the day before our wedding too. He actually thought about working the day of our wedding even. He was only part time and had limited time off and we were taking a mini-moon after our wedding. His schedule would have allowed him to work, get home and shower and change in time for the photographer to arrive. We had our rehearsal and dinner on Wednesday, we didn't even stay all that late because H had to work the next day.

MissKittyDanger · August 2016

lyndausvi said:

I was thinking about this post this morning. I have to say I can't think of anytime a couple hung out together the entire day before the wedding.

There always seem to be last minute stuff so they divide and conquer. Brides tend to get their nails done. The couple may hangout with their WP members. There is always OOT guests around to deal with, etc. Heck, my sister had to WORK the day before her wedding.

The couple tends to meet up sometime in the afternoon or evening for the RD (if there is one.) Pretty normal actually.

Actually my H and I did. We had things to do with the judge, but took advantage of spending time together before all the craziness ensued. No one else took the day off, so we didn't see anyone else until later.

MissKittyDanger · August 2016

I was thinking about this and I kinda get where OP is coming from, but flip side I get where the FI is coming from.

One of my BMs I rarely saw, so I set up a day - the Thursday before our wedding on Saturday - so we could hang out without everyone else. I was lucky she was also seeing family, so they had come up early.

It's just too bad the FI couldn't see his friend until day before, likely would have been better even two days before wedding in case something came up.

Knottie1467930835 · August 2016

You all have great points, and it makes more sense to me now. Also, now that I have laid off about it and told him that if that's what he really wants to do, then he should do it, he is saying maybe there's something else we could all do together. I'm glad I was honest with him about how I was feeling because it made him look at the situation differently as well, not only thinking about spending time with me but also spending time with everyone else that will be there. At this point, I am completely okay with him playing golf that day or all of us doing something together or something else. My family and friends and his family who I love spending time with will all be there, so I will have great company to spend that day with either way!

flantastic · August 2016

Knottie1467930835 said:

You all have great points, and it makes more sense to me now. Also, now that I have laid off about it and told him that if that's what he really wants to do, then he should do it, he is saying maybe there's something else we could all do together. I'm glad I was honest with him about how I was feeling because it made him look at the situation differently as well, not only thinking about spending time with me but also spending time with everyone else that will be there. At this point, I am completely okay with him playing golf that day or all of us doing something together or something else. My family and friends and his family who I love spending time with will all be there, so I will have great company to spend that day with either way!

Honestly, as someone who values one-on-one time as much more beneficial to relationships (and just more enjoyed by me) than large group outings, don't push this. I get the idea that you want to spend time with everyone possible, but the more people you add to an outing, the less "quality" time it is with any one person.

I spent time with about 5 girls the day before the wedding, none of whom were in my bridal party but with whom I was very close from grad school. DH came by to say hi to them while we were at breakfast (it was in walking distance of the hotel where he and some of them were staying). Afterwards, he went to lunch with two of his friends from grade school that he rarely sees, neither of whom were groomsmen. I didn't see him again until the rehearsal after breakfast. Wouldn't have done it any differently. Did I maybe miss out on seeing others who were in town early? Sure. But by trying to get to everyone I would have given up having quality time with anyone.

banana468 · August 2016

Knottie1467930835 said:

You all have great points, and it makes more sense to me now. Also, now that I have laid off about it and told him that if that's what he really wants to do, then he should do it, he is saying maybe there's something else we could all do together. I'm glad I was honest with him about how I was feeling because it made him look at the situation differently as well, not only thinking about spending time with me but also spending time with everyone else that will be there. At this point, I am completely okay with him playing golf that day or all of us doing something together or something else. My family and friends and his family who I love spending time with will all be there, so I will have great company to spend that day with either way!

I kind of get the impression that you feel better because you told him that you didn't want him to go and now that he's seeing your side you're feeling better about it.

The day before my wedding was busy. It involved manicures, pedicures, getting DH to the hotel, me to my parents' off to the rehearsal, to dinner, etc. There wasn't a lot of time to be in "look at how happy we are as a couple" mode.

If he wants to take a few hours to golf, I'd say go for it. But I also would not make a ton of plans on that day. Leave it loose so you have time to relax - since you won't the next day; or you can use it to tie up loose ends.

julieanne912 · August 2016

Sounds terrible, but H decided to go to his dad's cabin the weekend before the wedding to hang out with his family (it was Labor Day weekend). I was totally fine, and almost relieved, he decided to do that. I was able to get everything done I needed to get done, and spend time one on one with my mom, who lives out of state and came into town early to help me get things ready. Then, his best man arrived on Wednesday and they spent a lot of time hanging out, because BM lived out of the country and they hadn't seen each other in like 3 years. You've got your whole life to hang out together, and weddings are about enjoying things with your friends and family who are spending a lot of money and time to come celebrate you.

FI wants to play golf with his friend day before our wedding

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