Guest list conundrums....I'll try getting help again.

InLoveInQueens · September 2016

People like OP always think they're a super special snowflake and their situation is so unique, if they did even the quickest search they would find that this question gets asked every other week and every single time they get told the same thing but keep insisting that their situation is different!

Why can't you understand that, come on, literally everyone else has unlimited money and a teeny tiny family, I'm the only one with a large family and a budget.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2016

Yeah, when someone says to you, "I'm dating So and So," or "Hey, this is my boyfriend/girlfriend" that means that person is making it clear to you that is their SO and they are a social unit together.

banana468 · September 2016

flantastic said:

Sherbie25 said:

LtPowers said:

Contrary to popular consensus on these boards, the etiquette mavens require couples to be invited together socially only if said couples have made it clear that they wish to be so invited. (This can be done a number of ways, most explicitly by getting married, but also by moving in together, getting engaged, or even asking that they be treated as a social unit.)

Unfortunately for the OP, the individuals in question have essentially done the latter. By insisting that their current dates be invited, they've essentially declared themselves to be social units, which does obligate you to invite them.

If these relationships are not particularly serious (which isn't your place to judge, but we have to acknowledge it's a possibility), it's rather rude of them to insist on being able to bring a date, but if they're willing to pose as a committed couple (i.e., as a social unit), then polite society requires us to go along with it.

Bullshit. If you know I'm in a relationship, that in itself tells you we want to be treated as a social unit. If we are both invited, we then decide whether we both go, one of us goes or neither of us goes.

I can't handle the garbage LtP spouts about social units, so thank you for this. One of DH's cousins had decided not to tell anyone she was dating a guy until after our wedding, including her sisters and mom. When we asked if there was anyone she was seeing, she said "don't worry about it." So we didn't invite her boyfriend, because she decided not to tell us about him.

If she had said "Actually yeah I'm dating John for a couple months now and I think he's the one" (which she did say to her mom as they went home from our wedding, after being teased about dancing with one of DH's friends), either to us or to the family in general, THAT IS THE INDICATION THAT THEY'RE A SOCIAL UNIT. She doesn't need to spout some bullshit announcement about how she and John would now like to be considered a social unit. She's put it out there that she's dating someone. That's the litmus test.

I think the only time a person has to actually say, "We should be treated like a social unit," is after someone was an asshole and DIDN'T treat a couple as one.

Stop making it harder than it needs to be. You don't need to create a 'relationship status white paper'.

charlotte989875 · September 2016

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Sherbie25 said:

LtPowers said:

Contrary to popular consensus on these boards, the etiquette mavens require couples to be invited together socially only if said couples have made it clear that they wish to be so invited. (This can be done a number of ways, most explicitly by getting married, but also by moving in together, getting engaged, or even asking that they be treated as a social unit.)

Unfortunately for the OP, the individuals in question have essentially done the latter. By insisting that their current dates be invited, they've essentially declared themselves to be social units, which does obligate you to invite them.

If these relationships are not particularly serious (which isn't your place to judge, but we have to acknowledge it's a possibility), it's rather rude of them to insist on being able to bring a date, but if they're willing to pose as a committed couple (i.e., as a social unit), then polite society requires us to go along with it.

Bullshit. If you know I'm in a relationship, that in itself tells you we want to be treated as a social unit. If we are both invited, we then decide whether we both go, one of us goes or neither of us goes.

I can't handle the garbage LtP spouts about social units, so thank you for this. One of DH's cousins had decided not to tell anyone she was dating a guy until after our wedding, including her sisters and mom. When we asked if there was anyone she was seeing, she said "don't worry about it." So we didn't invite her boyfriend, because she decided not to tell us about him.

If she had said "Actually yeah I'm dating John for a couple months now and I think he's the one" (which she did say to her mom as they went home from our wedding, after being teased about dancing with one of DH's friends), either to us or to the family in general, THAT IS THE INDICATION THAT THEY'RE A SOCIAL UNIT. She doesn't need to spout some bullshit announcement about how she and John would now like to be considered a social unit. She's put it out there that she's dating someone. That's the litmus test.

I think the only time a person has to actually say, "We should be treated like a social unit," is after someone was an asshole and DIDN'T treat a couple as one.

Stop making it harder than it needs to be. You don't need to create a 'relationship status white paper'.

To Whom it May Concern:
Charlotte and Mr. Charlotte would like to formally announce that as of May 2015 they are engaged in a consensual, sexual relationship and have been legally recognized by the state of New York as husband and wife. As such they would like to be recognized as a social unit for all invitations, requests, and announcements, in perpetuity. In the event that the status of their relationship changes they will issue and addendum to this white paper that will supersede all statements made therein.
Signed,
A social unit.

Sherbie25 · September 2016

flantastic said:

Sherbie25 said:

LtPowers said:

Contrary to popular consensus on these boards, the etiquette mavens require couples to be invited together socially only if said couples have made it clear that they wish to be so invited. (This can be done a number of ways, most explicitly by getting married, but also by moving in together, getting engaged, or even asking that they be treated as a social unit.)

Unfortunately for the OP, the individuals in question have essentially done the latter. By insisting that their current dates be invited, they've essentially declared themselves to be social units, which does obligate you to invite them.

If these relationships are not particularly serious (which isn't your place to judge, but we have to acknowledge it's a possibility), it's rather rude of them to insist on being able to bring a date, but if they're willing to pose as a committed couple (i.e., as a social unit), then polite society requires us to go along with it.

Bullshit. If you know I'm in a relationship, that in itself tells you we want to be treated as a social unit. If we are both invited, we then decide whether we both go, one of us goes or neither of us goes.

I can't handle the garbage LtP spouts about social units, so thank you for this. One of DH's cousins had decided not to tell anyone she was dating a guy until after our wedding, including her sisters and mom. When we asked if there was anyone she was seeing, she said "don't worry about it." So we didn't invite her boyfriend, because she decided not to tell us about him.

If she had said "Actually yeah I'm dating John for a couple months now and I think he's the one" (which she did say to her mom as they went home from our wedding, after being teased about dancing with one of DH's friends), either to us or to the family in general, THAT IS THE INDICATION THAT THEY'RE A SOCIAL UNIT. She doesn't need to spout some bullshit announcement about how she and John would now like to be considered a social unit. She's put it out there that she's dating someone. That's the litmus test.

Glad to help! I'm a newlywed, but we have been together 15 years and I've had to deal with people's crap about the validity of our relationship. My relationship is no more valid than anyone else's, but it damn well isn't less valid than someone who's been together 6 months just because they're engaged, married or takes a full page ad out in the newspaper to pose as a couple and declare they are a social unit!!

SP29 · September 2016

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the 2 guests in question are not groomsmen, but family on the groom's side. Either way, the advice is still spot on, but no need to worry about changing up the head table (if there is one, and if OP has allowed the SOs to sit at it as well, if they've been invited).

kimmiinthemitten · September 2016

SP29 said:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the 2 guests in question are not groomsmen, but family on the groom's side. Either way, the advice is still spot on, but no need to worry about changing up the head table (if there is one, and if OP has allowed the SOs to sit at it as well, if they've been invited).

Nice catch! Groomside as one word stuck in my head as groomsman apparently.

LD1970 · September 2016

For the record, in 1999, my sister had an "immature college relationship." She's been married to him since 2003.

Heffalump · September 2016

MobKaz said:

bunnyprincess2014 said:

Knottie1472228451 said:

I DIDNT ASK THEM THEY OFFERED!!!!!!!!

Your friends just offered, out of the blue, to attend your wedding without their husbands? Sounds like you're backtracking because you got called out for rude behavior. Either your friends are mind-reading saints, you were bitching to them about people bringing significant others so they assumed you were guilting them into offering to leave their husbands at home (shitty), or you asked them if it would be ok if their husbands were disinvited (super duper shitty).

Look, guest list limits and budgeting suck, but there is a reason everyone here is jumping on you. It is just super rude to not invite significant others. This should be a lesson to new knotties. Make your budget, and then figure out how many people you can invite assuming everyone will be in a relationship since by the time invites go out, you never know who will have a significant other and it is awful not to allow people to bring their significant others.

This is what I was thinking as well. OP was venting about how hard the guest list was, how she had to make cuts, how much easier it would be if some guests RSVP'd "no".....and her friends took the hint. So wrong. There is no way in hell I see anyone, let alone all 3 BM's, suddenly volunteering to leave their spouses at home.

I don't know, if I were in this train wreck I might volunteer to leave DH at home. "Save yourself!"

I'm on mobile, but I really wanted to use the Stranger Things Christmas lights "R U N" gif here.

madamerwin · September 2016

Heffalump said:

MobKaz said:

bunnyprincess2014 said:

Knottie1472228451 said:

I DIDNT ASK THEM THEY OFFERED!!!!!!!!

Your friends just offered, out of the blue, to attend your wedding without their husbands? Sounds like you're backtracking because you got called out for rude behavior. Either your friends are mind-reading saints, you were bitching to them about people bringing significant others so they assumed you were guilting them into offering to leave their husbands at home (shitty), or you asked them if it would be ok if their husbands were disinvited (super duper shitty).

Look, guest list limits and budgeting suck, but there is a reason everyone here is jumping on you. It is just super rude to not invite significant others. This should be a lesson to new knotties. Make your budget, and then figure out how many people you can invite assuming everyone will be in a relationship since by the time invites go out, you never know who will have a significant other and it is awful not to allow people to bring their significant others.

This is what I was thinking as well. OP was venting about how hard the guest list was, how she had to make cuts, how much easier it would be if some guests RSVP'd "no".....and her friends took the hint. So wrong. There is no way in hell I see anyone, let alone all 3 BM's, suddenly volunteering to leave their spouses at home.

I don't know, if I were in this train wreck I might volunteer to leave DH at home. "Save yourself!"

I'm on mobile, but I really wanted to use the Stranger Things Christmas lights "R U N" gif here.

Image: https://66.media.tumblr.com/dfcd458e7f9c80a660ee878240cb11c7/tumblr_oaf9bukJN41ugxgfwo1_500.gif

There ya go

Heffalump · September 2016

madamerwin said:

Heffalump said:

MobKaz said:

bunnyprincess2014 said:

Knottie1472228451 said:

I DIDNT ASK THEM THEY OFFERED!!!!!!!!

Your friends just offered, out of the blue, to attend your wedding without their husbands? Sounds like you're backtracking because you got called out for rude behavior. Either your friends are mind-reading saints, you were bitching to them about people bringing significant others so they assumed you were guilting them into offering to leave their husbands at home (shitty), or you asked them if it would be ok if their husbands were disinvited (super duper shitty).

Look, guest list limits and budgeting suck, but there is a reason everyone here is jumping on you. It is just super rude to not invite significant others. This should be a lesson to new knotties. Make your budget, and then figure out how many people you can invite assuming everyone will be in a relationship since by the time invites go out, you never know who will have a significant other and it is awful not to allow people to bring their significant others.

This is what I was thinking as well. OP was venting about how hard the guest list was, how she had to make cuts, how much easier it would be if some guests RSVP'd "no".....and her friends took the hint. So wrong. There is no way in hell I see anyone, let alone all 3 BM's, suddenly volunteering to leave their spouses at home.

I don't know, if I were in this train wreck I might volunteer to leave DH at home. "Save yourself!"

I'm on mobile, but I really wanted to use the Stranger Things Christmas lights "R U N" gif here.

There ya go

Awesome, thanks!

Guest list conundrums....I'll try getting help again.

Re: Guest list conundrums....I'll try getting help again.

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