Out-of-town bridesmaids

Knottie1469509348 · September 2016

Hello, I am new to posting here and not sure if this is the right place. I guess I'm just looking for some support because I am feeling a little sad and lost. I moved to the current town I'm in for a job about three years ago; I met my fiance here, who has grown up here and has all of his friends and family within a 10-mile radius of each other. My family is somewhat scattered over the country, and my parents live several states and an expensive plane ride away. The same goes for a lot of my close friends. I had a large group of close friends in college, but once we graduated and took different jobs we all seemed to go in different geographical directions. I have made a few friends in my current town, but only two or three that I would consider close.

My concerns are about the wedding party and activities such as bridal showers and bachelorette party. My bridesmaids consist of two friends in my current town, two friends from college who live several states away, and my sister, cousin, and stepsister who all live in different states. Since everyone is so scattered, I don't feel like I will have a lot of people to attend any festivities such as showers or bachelorette parties. My aunts and cousins and grandparents are all over the place, so there is not anyone local who I know would throw me a shower. In addition, my mother is in California and having some financial difficulties, and so I don't know how realistic it is that she would be able to attend a lot of things like showers and wedding dress shopping. I think that is one of the things that upsets me the most, as I always thought I would have my mom by my side for every step of this.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this novel. I think I'm just feeling a little lost and saddened by all of this. Anyone else get married who had a lot of family, friends, and wedding party members living out of town?

CMGragain · September 2016

Knottie1469509348 said:

Hello, I am new to posting here and not sure if this is the right place. I guess I'm just looking for some support because I am feeling a little sad and lost. I moved to the current town I'm in for a job about three years ago; I met my fiance here, who has grown up here and has all of his friends and family within a 10-mile radius of each other. My family is somewhat scattered over the country, and my parents live several states and an expensive plane ride away. The same goes for a lot of my close friends. I had a large group of close friends in college, but once we graduated and took different jobs we all seemed to go in different geographical directions. I have made a few friends in my current town, but only two or three that I would consider close.

My concerns are about the wedding party and activities such as bridal showers and bachelorette party. My bridesmaids consist of two friends in my current town, two friends from college who live several states away, and my sister, cousin, and stepsister who all live in different states. Since everyone is so scattered, I don't feel like I will have a lot of people to attend any festivities such as showers or bachelorette parties. My aunts and cousins and grandparents are all over the place, so there is not anyone local who I know would throw me a shower. In addition, my mother is in California and having some financial difficulties, and so I don't know how realistic it is that she would be able to attend a lot of things like showers and wedding dress shopping. I think that is one of the things that upsets me the most, as I always thought I would have my mom by my side for every step of this.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this novel. I think I'm just feeling a little lost and saddened by all of this. Anyone else get married who had a lot of family, friends, and wedding party members living out of town?

Your situation is not unusual. Lots of brides do not get showers or big bachelorette parties. My daughter didn't. She didn't miss them, either. She was happy to get married to the love of her life.

Daughter and I planned her wedding together. I live in western Colorado, and she lives in suburban Maryland. We communicated with the telephone and the Knot. I did fly in once to help her with the venue and dress, but I was paying for the wedding. Daughter was really stressed out shopping for the dress. I had to feed her cheesecake to calm her down. (Better than alcohol!)
I chose my own wedding dress alone because my mother wasn't interested.

Concentrate on what you have, not on what you don't have. Above all, do not plan your own parties, or ask someone to plan them for you! These activities are just not that important.

As for showers, small showers are the best. If someone does offer to give you one, keeping it small and simple will help make it more relaxing and fun.

Instead of a formal bachelorette party, ask those two or three girlfriends to accompany you for a night on the town. That is what my daughter did, and they had a blast! Well, they went to a drag queen bar in DC. OK.

SP29 · September 2016

Yes. DH and I lived a 4hr plane ride away from our families. We did have a very good group of friends where we lived, but my MOH and his GM lived in our hometown. DH's best man and my BM lived where we did. We got married back in our hometown.

DH and I did most of the planning ourselves. We scheduled trips back home (that I would've taken anyway) to book vendors. I communicated on the phone with my mom and my MOH, as much as she wanted to hear about my wedding plans.

I did have a bachelorette party in the town I was living in. 2 of my friends who were not in my WP offered to help my BM plan it, and one of those friends hosted the start of the night at her house. I had a shower in my hometown that my MOH planned when I was back home for a visit. My MOH did not attend my bachelorette and my BM did not attend my shower.

Anyone can offer to plan a part in your honour- this is not role designated to the WP. However, these parties must be offered, not requested, and not planned for by yourself. If they do happen, small is fine! Likewise, no one is required to attend these events (i.e. your WP).

Yes, it can be sad when you don't see your friends and family as often as you'd like and can't share the important events in life as you'd like, but try to focus on the fact that you have a lot of people near and far who are important to you and who love you. They will all be there on your wedding day standing up beside you or attending as guests.

artbyallie · September 2016

My bridesmaids were in 5 cities in 3 different states. I myself lived ~5 hours from my hometown where we got married. My mom threw a shower for me, which my MOH was able to attend. My MIL threw another, and the only bridesmaid at that one was SIL. My mom also threw a lingerie shower/bachelorette two nights before the wedding, attended by all of my bridesmaids and the girlfriends/wives of H's attendants who were not in the wedding themselves.

In any case, IMO, these kinds of events are a little overrated anyway. You will have a good time with your bridesmaids at the wedding even if that is the only related event they can attend.

lyndausvi · September 2016

We lived a 5 hour plane ride from our entire WP. I still had a shower. I had to travel to my sister's (moh) house (which was in my hometown) for the shower.

All but one attended. That was because most lived within 4 hour drive of the my sister's house. With my SILs traveling from DH's home town in a mini-van with my MIL and DH's cousins (4 hours away).

If none of them were able to come, NBD.

I didn't have a b-party. Didn't miss it either. Most of us did get together the day before the wedding and had lunch together.

DH's b-party was 2 nights before the wedding when most of his GM's were in town. They also attended the golf outing the day before.

I get being disappointed, but those are the breaks when you are transient.

downtondiva · September 2016

My MOH lived very far away. She was able to make it to my shower, but I would've understood if she didn't. I didn't have a bachelorette party, but I wouldn't have one regardless of where my wedding party/friends were living, because I didn't want one.

It's okay to be disappointed that you might not have these pre-wedding parties or that certain relatives and friends won't be able to attend. But the reality is that it's pretty normal nowadays. People don't always stay as close to where they grew up or even where they went to school anymore. Just remember that while these pre-wedding parties are nice, the wedding is what matters most, and if you get to celebrate with your family and friends at that, you are doing great.

cowgirl8238 · September 2016

I understand the feelings you have as I had a similar situation. I live in PA and had four BMs. One BM lives in Hawaii, so I only got to see her the day before/day of the wedding. Two lived near me, but didn't have a lot of the funds or time to attend or host any pre-wedding parties so only one of them made the Shower/Bach Party that my fourth BM and MIL hosted in NY. Since my H and I grew up in NY and most of our family was there that is where many of the events took place, even though we married here. I did go dress shopping in NY with my MIL and Mom, but I tend to make multiple trips that way anyway so it just worked out. Everything else was planned by my FI and I, and this forum too, with the occasional phone call to the family just to bounce off ideas and update on the progress.

Did it kind of suck not having all my friends and family there during these events and the planning? Sure, but at the end of the day I still got married to my husband with everyone we wanted to be there in attendance!!!

Out-of-town bridesmaids

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