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Good Friend, no show

DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Thursday my good friend texted asking what colors I had in my kitchen and I assumed this was for a wedding gift and that I would see her Saturday. She didn't show up. I know that she suffers from migraines, but she usually somehow lets me know that she's ill and not going to make whatever we had planned. She's liked some pictures on Facebook. I'm wondering if I should check on her.
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Re: Good Friend, no show

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Definitely check on her.
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    I don't want to seem pushy by asking so I'm not sure how to broach the subject. 
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  • MeetTheLarasMeetTheLaras member
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    DrillSergeantCat said:
    I don't want to seem pushy by asking so I'm not sure how to broach the subject. 
    Yeah, I think it depends on your relationship with her. I know there are some people I know I could call and just go, "Hey, how are you? I missed you on 'day of the week'. I hope you're doing okay, girl!" But other more casual friends, I may wait to see if they sent a gift or something, and then I could easily bring up that I missed them when thanking for the gift. 

    Regardless of which option though, if you're worried she's ill, I'd still call and check up on her, even if you don't bring up the wedding. 
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    MeetTheLaras said:
    Yeah, I think it depends on your relationship with her. I know there are some people I know I could call and just go, "Hey, how are you? I missed you on 'day of the week'. I hope you're doing okay, girl!" But other more casual friends, I may wait to see if they sent a gift or something, and then I could easily bring up that I missed them when thanking for the gift. 

    Regardless of which option though, if you're worried she's ill, I'd still call and check up on her, even if you don't bring up the wedding. 
    I don't really think she is. I know that kicking a member of the BP out of the wedding is a friendship ending move, but this almost feels like she's saying she doesn't want to be in my life anymore. IDK, I may be reading too much into it.
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  • MeetTheLarasMeetTheLaras member
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    DrillSergeantCat said:
    MeetTheLaras said:
    Yeah, I think it depends on your relationship with her. I know there are some people I know I could call and just go, "Hey, how are you? I missed you on 'day of the week'. I hope you're doing okay, girl!" But other more casual friends, I may wait to see if they sent a gift or something, and then I could easily bring up that I missed them when thanking for the gift. 

    Regardless of which option though, if you're worried she's ill, I'd still call and check up on her, even if you don't bring up the wedding. 
    I don't really think she is. I know that kicking a member of the BP out of the wedding is a friendship ending move, but this almost feels like she's saying she doesn't want to be in my life anymore. IDK, I may be reading too much into it.
    Oh, did something happen before this that makes you think she purposefully didn't attend? 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    edited September 2016
    DrillSergeantCat said:
    MeetTheLaras said:
    Yeah, I think it depends on your relationship with her. I know there are some people I know I could call and just go, "Hey, how are you? I missed you on 'day of the week'. I hope you're doing okay, girl!" But other more casual friends, I may wait to see if they sent a gift or something, and then I could easily bring up that I missed them when thanking for the gift. 

    Regardless of which option though, if you're worried she's ill, I'd still call and check up on her, even if you don't bring up the wedding. 
    I don't really think she is. I know that kicking a member of the BP out of the wedding is a friendship ending move, but this almost feels like she's saying she doesn't want to be in my life anymore. IDK, I may be reading too much into it.
    Uhhhh yeah you are. Missing a wedding isnt. saying she doesn't want to be in your life. 
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    MeetTheLaras said:
    Oh, did something happen before this that makes you think she purposefully didn't attend? 
    She missed the shower because she didn't put it in her calendar and forgot. It took her 5 months to meet my son. She just doesn't seem like she really cares all that much anymore. We went to breakfast a couple months ago and we talked about her mostly, I've been trying to help her find a new job, and I sent her some info about a recall on her car, so it's not like I've only been talking about myself and the wedding. I really don't get it.
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    Uhhhh yeah you are. Missing a wedding isnt. saying she doesn't want to be in your life. 
    It's really the fact that she hasn't said anything to me about missing it that's making me feel that way. My husband had a good friend not show up and I know it hurt his feelings, too.
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  • TheMostHappy15TheMostHappy15 member
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    DrillSergeantCat said:
    MeetTheLaras said:
    Yeah, I think it depends on your relationship with her. I know there are some people I know I could call and just go, "Hey, how are you? I missed you on 'day of the week'. I hope you're doing okay, girl!" But other more casual friends, I may wait to see if they sent a gift or something, and then I could easily bring up that I missed them when thanking for the gift. 

    Regardless of which option though, if you're worried she's ill, I'd still call and check up on her, even if you don't bring up the wedding. 
    I don't really think she is. I know that kicking a member of the BP out of the wedding is a friendship ending move, but this almost feels like she's saying she doesn't want to be in my life anymore. IDK, I may be reading too much into it.
    I'm confused- did you kick this friend out of your bridal party? Because yeah if you did I would imagine that's why she didn't show up, but I'm not sure that's what you are saying.
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    TheMostHappy15 said:
    I'm confused- did you kick this friend out of your bridal party? Because yeah if you did I would imagine that's why she didn't show up, but I'm not sure that's what you are saying.
    Yeah that was worded weirdly. I didn't kick her out or do anything (I don't think) to end our friendship. I feel like her missing is her saying she's not interested in being friends anymore. I tend to take things really personally when I shouldn't. I know this and I'm trying to keep that in perspective, but it really hurts that she wasn't there. 

    What I think I'm trying to say is that I guess I thought we were better friends than we are.
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    scribe95 said:
    You got married like two days ago right? I honestly wouldn't worry about it. I had a friend who got sick and didn't let me know. A few weeks later she dropped me a line and explained and gave me my gift. 

    Enjoy your marriage and don't focus on who did or didn't show up to the wedding.
    Yes, 2 days ago. This is just out of character for her. 
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  • TheMostHappy15TheMostHappy15 member
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    DrillSergeantCat said:
    TheMostHappy15 said:
    I'm confused- did you kick this friend out of your bridal party? Because yeah if you did I would imagine that's why she didn't show up, but I'm not sure that's what you are saying.
    Yeah that was worded weirdly. I didn't kick her out or do anything (I don't think) to end our friendship. I feel like her missing is her saying she's not interested in being friends anymore. I tend to take things really personally when I shouldn't. I know this and I'm trying to keep that in perspective, but it really hurts that she wasn't there. 

    What I think I'm trying to say is that I guess I thought we were better friends than we are.
    Ah okay gotcha. Yeah I can see how that would sting a bit but I definitely wouldn't read her not showing up for your wedding as her trying make a friendship-ending move.

    You mentioned she's trying to find a job right now so I don't know if that means she's out of work or just unhappy at her current job but either way it sounds like she has personal stuff going on that could account for her being more distant- or maybe she's just not as into the friendship as she once was, who knows. I'd text or FB message her and just be like "Hey, missed you at the wedding! Hope everything's okay, we'll catch up soon" and see how she responds from there. 
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You guys just spoke after she reached out Thursday, so I'm sure something just came up.  I'd send her a casual text or call.
    image
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  • kvrunskvruns member
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    agree with the others to just reach out with a casual hey we missed you Saturday hope everything is ok. I wouldn't immediate jump to her not wanting to be your friend, especially if she is flaky. 
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    LondonLisa said:
    If this person is habitually flakey, then why did you think they wouldn't be anymore?

    You can't change people, and if she is the kind of friend that is fun but self absorbed, either change your expectations of this person or step back from the friendship. I have had mates who were flakey and it made me so cross. But then I realised, that is who they are. I like them but I changed my expectations. I also take it into account if I decide to invite them places (ie I rarely invite them to dinner parties, but rather to the pub with a group so it doesn't matter if they come). I saved myself a lot of grief by just saying "they're my pub friend, I can't rely on them, but I can rely on H, BF, sister etc". 

    But before you decide, try to give her the benefit of the doubt and find out what happened. I would definitely text with what PP have said. 
    She's not habitually flakey. That's why this is odd. She used to be very reliable, but since I got divorced, she has been this way. 
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  • SubwaylovesSubwayloves member
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    One of my husbands good friends from college didn't show up. It was a very odd situation, he didn't send in his RSVP so H texted him and asked if he was coming just before our numbers were due (2 weeks out). He said "oh my gosh yes of course, sorry forgot to send my RSVP! GF and I will definitely be there, can't wait to see you and subwayloves!" Didn't talk to him between then and the wedding, he didn't show up, and the next day we saw he had posted a status on Facebook saying he was eating sushi at a local restaurant during our wedding. It's now been 3 months since the wedding, and we've still heard nothing from him. It's not unusual for them to go that amount of time without talking, but we found it odd he just didn't show up and never said anything.
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  • flantasticflantastic member
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    I wouldn't ascribe some imaginary motivation to her missing your wedding, especially not before you talk to her. Just call her and see what's up, we missed you Saturday.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    You said she's not flaky, but she misssd your shower and you said it took her 5 months to meet your son. 
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    climbingwife said:
    You said she's not flaky, but she misssd your shower and you said it took her 5 months to meet your son. 
    In the 15 years I've known her, she wasn't flaky up until about a year ago.
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  • SP29SP29 member
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    I think calling or texting her to say, "Hey! We missed you on Saturday! Hope everything is OK!" is a good way to break the ice, then you leave the ball in her court to respond.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited September 2016
    scribe95 said:
    I guess I just don't see the big deal. When I got married I didn't worry about why someone missed. Stuff happens. You'll figure it out eventually. And frankly it doesn't sound much like she is a good friend anyway. 
    The big deal is that until recently, this person was a good friend to the OP. Yes, it can be hurtful when a good friend leads you (generic) to believe that they're coming and no-shows.

    You (generic) don't know why. You don't know if they didn't come because they had an emergency, or if they've suddenly decided without telling you that they don't consider the OP a friend anymore.  To dismiss that as "not a big deal" or "stuff happens. You'll figure it out eventually" is really insensitive and adds insult to injury.
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  • TheMostHappy15TheMostHappy15 member
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    Jen4948 said:
    scribe95 said:
    I guess I just don't see the big deal. When I got married I didn't worry about why someone missed. Stuff happens. You'll figure it out eventually. And frankly it doesn't sound much like she is a good friend anyway. 
    The big deal is that until recently, this person was a good friend to the OP. Yes, it can be hurtful when a good friend leads you to believe that they're coming and no-shows.

    You don't know why. You don't know if they didn't come because they were sick or had an emergency, or if they've suddenly decided without telling you that they don't consider the OP a friend anymore.  To dismiss that as "not a big deal" or "stuff happens. You'll figure it out eventually" is really insensitive and comes off like adding insult to injury.
    I definitely don't think Scribe was being insensitive but I do agree that it's not unreasonable to think it's kind of a big deal. A big part of it depends on how close OP perceived the friendship to be and how many people she invited to the wedding- I had like 50 people at my wedding and only was able to invite my five best friends in the world (people I talk to all the time and whose lives I'm very involved with), so I'd definitely be sad and surprised if one of them unexpectedly didn't make it. Now if I was inviting 100 people and it was a more mid-tier friendship, someone I saw a few times a year and touched base with every so often, I probably wouldn't think much of it.

    To me it sounds like OP's situation falls somewhere in between close friend and casual friend and is maybe at this moment in the stage of moving from the former stage to the latter. Maybe they used to be very close and OP still feels that close on an emotional level, but in reality they aren't getting together as much, aren't as up to date on what's going on with each other etc. I definitely get how that's sad to realize, even outside of the scope of the wedding.
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
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    scribe95 said:
    I guess I just don't see the big deal. When I got married I didn't worry about why someone missed. Stuff happens. You'll figure it out eventually. And frankly it doesn't sound much like she is a good friend anyway. 
    We had two people that missed my DD's wedding.  Stuff does happen, and that is why I worried when they did not show up.  One friend was at the ceremony and then did not attend the reception.  Her husband experienced chest pains on the way to the reception and ended up having by-pass surgery.  Because HER situation was urgent, I only knew because I did follow up with a caring, concerned call.  She was clearly too busy, and rightly so, to notify me.

    The other guest was a friend of DD's.  Her excuse was not as urgent, but friend did not immediately get in touch with my daughter because DD and her husband were on their honeymoon and friend thought it could wait.  @DrillSargeantCat, is there a chance your friend thinks you are OOT at the moment?
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  • justsiejustsie member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    We had a few not show up to the wedding that RSVP'd yes. One of them even texted us the morning of saying they wouldn't be there and we were both wishing they wouldn't have said anything. We probably wouldn't have missed their presence that much during the event but would have noticed later, and instead the morning of the wedding we were both sad because this person and his wife wouldn't be there. 

    I think this is two-fold, it sounds like your friend may not consider you as good as a friend as you consider her, but I don't think she is communicating that she wants nothing to do with you either. 
    image
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    I texted her yesterday and she apologized for missing. Her boyfriend's mother stepped on a lit piece of charcoal two weeks ago and had to peel it off her foot. She didn't tell anyone and didn't go see a doctor until Saturday morning when they took her to the ER. She had such a bad infection in her foot that they decided to admit her. My friend was about to leave when her boyfriend said, "You're not going to leave me here by myself, are you?" 

    I would have handled it differently, but at least her reason was better than H's friend who told him, "We're just really not into weddings." It's attitudes like that, that make bridezillas send bills for no-showing.
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