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Wedding Etiquette Forum
DrillSergeantCat
member
Good Friend, no show
Thursday my good friend texted asking what colors I had in my kitchen and I assumed this was for a wedding gift and that I would see her Saturday. She didn't show up. I know that she suffers from migraines, but she usually somehow lets me know that she's ill and not going to make whatever we had planned. She's liked some pictures on Facebook. I'm wondering if I should check on her.
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Re: Good Friend, no show
Regardless of which option though, if you're worried she's ill, I'd still call and check up on her, even if you don't bring up the wedding.
You might consider sending her an "I haven't seen you lately but really miss you. I hope you're ok" message that doesn't mention your wedding. If she doesn't respond, or acts nonchalant about missing your wedding, I'd back away from the friendship.
What I think I'm trying to say is that I guess I thought we were better friends than we are.
You mentioned she's trying to find a job right now so I don't know if that means she's out of work or just unhappy at her current job but either way it sounds like she has personal stuff going on that could account for her being more distant- or maybe she's just not as into the friendship as she once was, who knows. I'd text or FB message her and just be like "Hey, missed you at the wedding! Hope everything's okay, we'll catch up soon" and see how she responds from there.
You can't change people, and if she is the kind of friend that is fun but self absorbed, either change your expectations of this person or step back from the friendship. I have had mates who were flakey and it made me so cross. But then I realised, that is who they are. I like them but I changed my expectations. I also take it into account if I decide to invite them places (ie I rarely invite them to dinner parties, but rather to the pub with a group so it doesn't matter if they come). I saved myself a lot of grief by just saying "they're my pub friend, I can't rely on them, but I can rely on H, BF, sister etc".
But before you decide, try to give her the benefit of the doubt and find out what happened. I would definitely text with what PP have said.
And depending on the relationship I'd eventually have a heart to heart. This isn't just being late. It's not living up to your commitments. I can deal with flaking. Flaking is running late, telling me after the fact that you had a flat tire or had to wash your hair.
This isn't just dinner. It was your wedding. You'd have to be pretty effing flaky to no show to my wedding and for me to just think it was no big deal. That doesn't mean I think that you can be called out for being rude but if this is a sign of a pattern of behavior that's suddenly negative, I'd reach out.
You (generic) don't know why. You don't know if they didn't come because they had an emergency, or if they've suddenly decided without telling you that they don't consider the OP a friend anymore. To dismiss that as "not a big deal" or "stuff happens. You'll figure it out eventually" is really insensitive and adds insult to injury.
To me it sounds like OP's situation falls somewhere in between close friend and casual friend and is maybe at this moment in the stage of moving from the former stage to the latter. Maybe they used to be very close and OP still feels that close on an emotional level, but in reality they aren't getting together as much, aren't as up to date on what's going on with each other etc. I definitely get how that's sad to realize, even outside of the scope of the wedding.
The other guest was a friend of DD's. Her excuse was not as urgent, but friend did not immediately get in touch with my daughter because DD and her husband were on their honeymoon and friend thought it could wait. @DrillSargeantCat, is there a chance your friend thinks you are OOT at the moment?
I think this is two-fold, it sounds like your friend may not consider you as good as a friend as you consider her, but I don't think she is communicating that she wants nothing to do with you either.
I would have handled it differently, but at least her reason was better than H's friend who told him, "We're just really not into weddings." It's attitudes like that, that make bridezillas send bills for no-showing.