BM question

turtig · April 2010

So is there ever a time you’re allowed to replace a BM that drops out?

Backstory: My BMs are my two sisters, my brother’s wife, and my two best friends. When I asked my SIL to be in wedding, my brother and her were having serious marital problems. I knew it, but decided it wasn’t up to me to predict the future and I had planned on asking her so I did it anyway. When she agreed, she warned me that they’re having problems, and I told her to say yes anyway and we’d deal with anything if/when it needed to be dealt with. Well, now my brother is moving (back to town!) for his med school residency, and she’s not coming with him.

My question is: when she inevitably backs out of the wedding, can I replace her? The girl I’d ask lives out of town, and would make our BFF threesome a foursome if she had stayed in town. I know she would be absolutely thrilled to be included in the wedding, but gets it that she’s not. I also don’t think she’d be offended being a replacement, I think she’d actually be flattered that I consider her the next in line.

Obviously, I’d tell her what happened, but I think she’d still be really happy. Obviously, also, I wouldn’t ask my SIL to step down, either… as long as she wants to stand up for me, I’m happy to have her, though I don’t expect that she’ll want to.

I know you guys all shout a big, resounding, “NO” whenever anybody asks this question. I’m just curious, in the case of a divorce, would that be an exception?

suz62984 · April 2010

Your friend will most likely feel like a replacement and your SIL will feel that she suddenly isn't part of the family anymore and easily replaced. If you didn't ask this girl to be in your wedding in the first place I don't see why you would now unless you suddenly became so much closer.

mbcdefg · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:45c87acd-7647-483a-94c3-624d4177449bPost:5de29fcf-eafd-44b8-b7e6-7e07502d58bd">Re: BM question</a>:
[QUOTE]If you didn't ask this girl to be in your wedding in the first place I don't see why you would now unless you suddenly became so much closer.
Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

turtig · April 2010

my SIL would be out of the family, thats one of the many pitfalls of divorce. no kids, so i doubt shell even come to the wedding.

and my friend would be a replacement, sure, but i kind of feel like if you're replacing somebody's sister, it's not like you're just a substitute friend. i just don't see why that replacement would be such a bad thing.

turtig · April 2010

oh, and obviously, the point is to have even numbers. again, i know youll all say theyre not necessary, but if i can get them, i'd love them.

xoxob · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:45c87acd-7647-483a-94c3-624d4177449bPost:c238145e-9617-49eb-a66e-f562021bc3d2">BM question</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>I know you guys all shout a big, resounding, “NO” whenever anybody asks this question. I’m just curious, in the case of a divorce, would that be an exception?
</strong>Posted by turtig[/QUOTE]

So...you already know my answer?

Does the words "replacement" even sound remotely nice to you? Either ask her now because you became close quickly and you want her in come rain or come shine or don't ask her.

suz62984 · April 2010

Well in that case, by all means, use your friend as a prop.

turtig · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:45c87acd-7647-483a-94c3-624d4177449bPost:3e5d96e7-2f41-4944-8b2e-141b46ed394a">Re: BM question</a>:
[QUOTE]Well in that case, by all means, use your friend as a prop.
Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

well if it were me, i'd be more than happy to stand up for her in the same situation.

xoxob · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:45c87acd-7647-483a-94c3-624d4177449bPost:61119c9e-81c1-43b6-957c-9f49e36e81cb">Re: BM question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM question : well if it were me, i'd be more than happy to stand up for her in the same situation.
Posted by turtig[/QUOTE]

Do I need a megaphone? You are never going to get the answer you want to hear because it's dead wrong. End of story. Ask her now because you love her or ask her never or be a bitch and ask her to "replace" someone.

turtig · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:45c87acd-7647-483a-94c3-624d4177449bPost:a0816de7-e21f-423e-8787-8194828843ce">Re: BM question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM question : Do I need a megaphone? You are never going to get the answer you want to hear because it's dead wrong.
Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]

oh, i know. i just thought a divorce might be a serious enough situation to merit an exception.

xoxob · April 2010

The divorce is probably the exception for your sister in law to not show up even though she said she'd be a BM. If you were never that close with her then why did you ask her? And, when she said they were having problems it sounds like you cajoled her into saying yes. Why? For even sides?

Either way, it's not an excuse for you to be rude to your friend.

turtig · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:45c87acd-7647-483a-94c3-624d4177449bPost:3cd74b93-9713-49fd-807a-787ad5b1bfdb">Re: BM question</a>:
[QUOTE]The divorce is probably the exception for your sister in law to not show up even though she said she'd be a BM. If you were never that close with her then why did you ask her? And, when she said they were having problems it sounded like you cajoled her into saying yes. Why? For even sides? Either way, it's not an excuse for you to be rude to your friend.
Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]

nah, i didn't cajole her, i just figured none of us knew what was going to happen so might as well not pretend. and i do love her and wanted her, i just know the reality of the situation now. and i dont care, ill have uneven sides, or not, or whatever. i just think my friend would actually be flattered.

deepcovejackie · April 2010

It's not nice to ask someone after the WP has been chosen as an obvious replacement for someone who's dropped out. The friend that you end of asking will fell like last choice. That's why it's not a good thing to do. Symmetry is not as important as people's feelings.

suz62984 · April 2010

I'm sure you would be more than happy to do it for her but people are different. You know your friend better than we do so ask her if you think she won't be offended. You have obviously made up your mind already so I don't really see the point of your post any longer.

xoxob · April 2010

Why don't you just ask her now then? Say, "We've gotten really close and I am very excited about that. Would you do me the honor of being in my wedding."

If you're OK with uneven sides, maybe your SIL will show up, but maybe she won't. You'll still have your best friends. That is what matters.

I bet she will be flatter by above more than, "Soooo, someone backed out and I'm in a jam! You'd look pretty in a dress." No one would be flattered by that, but it's OK to tell yourself that.

turtig · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:45c87acd-7647-483a-94c3-624d4177449bPost:6c176e91-b84c-45f5-8afd-9e72d36b327d">Re: BM question</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sure you would be more than happy to do it for her but people are different. You know your friend better than we do so ask her if you think she won't be offended. You have obviously made up your mind already so I don't really see the point of your post any longer.
Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

i actually havent made up my mind, because my SIL hasnt even backed out yet, but i was just curious to see the responses. i expected as much, though.

gottahavashorti · April 2010

No, it is not okay and your reason makes no difference. Even if a BM passes away, the answer is don't replace her. By not filling her spot, it indicates that she is irreplaceable - even for a former SIL. Filling her spot says that she is replaceable, the new BM is second choice and that she is only there for even sides.

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

No, replacing people is not ok. People are not things to be treated like props. It doesn't matter if they are relatives, friends, or enemies. You don't treat people like that.

If you'd wanted the friend, you would have asked her in the first place. The fact that you would only ask her as a replacement is incredibly insulting.

stina93446 · April 2010

Regardless of your situation, my answers are "no" and "don't replace with a new girl."

aerinpegadrak · April 2010

Replacing people is never okay, no matter what the reasons that someone might no longer be in the wedding. Never ever ever. You might as well have mannequins standing up with you instead, because calling in a replacement makes it very clear that you're only interested in warm bodies and not honoring those closest to you.

gottahavashorti · April 2010

[QUOTE]Replacing people is never okay, no matter what the reasons that someone might no longer be in the wedding. Never ever ever. You might as well have mannequins standing up with you instead, because calling in a replacement makes it very clear that you're only interested in warm bodies and not honoring those closest to you.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
The WPB should definitely get some mannequins. We'll make our money back if we rent them out to everyone who asks about forcing even sides or replacing BMs. We'd have to have them in a few different sizes so they can fit the dropout BMs dresses, of course.

aerinpegadrak · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:45c87acd-7647-483a-94c3-624d4177449bPost:f7464d34-7e19-4367-9d37-82b214baaeda">Re: BM question</a>:
[QUOTE]The WPB should definitely get some mannequins. We'll make our money back if we rent them out to everyone who asks about forcing even sides or replacing BMs. We'd have to have them in a few different sizes so they can fit the dropout BMs dresses, of course.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]
Screw different sizes, we can just pin it on the mannequins so it looks right. That's what the bridal stores do, anyway.

emilyinchile · April 2010

Xoxo said this, but it bears repeating: ask your friend now if you really want her to be a BM. It's still far enough from your wedding that you have time and can legitimately say "BFF, I'm sorry I didn't ask you before. I got caught up on the idea of having even sides, but now I've realized that regardless of numbers or you living out of town, you're one of my best friends in the world, and I'd love if you would be a BM."

If your brother and SIL work things out and she stays a BM, then you have uneven sides, sure, but I just don't get why having one extra person on your side is so bad that it outweighs the goodness of knowing that ALL of your best friends are standing by your side. And of course, if SIL drops out then you get your even sides, and you also don't have to pull the somewhat shitty move of actually making a replacement.

LarissaAnn · April 2010

You know, I had a friend say no right away when I first asked her to be a bridesmaid (family & money issues), and I still didn't ask someone else to fill in the spot. And no one would even have known.

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