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I don't want to be near my MOH anymore

I am getting married in 5 days and I am trying to stay as excited as possible however issues with my MOH are making this challenging.  We have been super close and she was really excited when I got engaged and asked her to be my MOH.  I started to notice some negative comments from her right after my bridal shower.  She was looking for new jobs and was really active in her personal life.  The night before my bachelorette party, I was told that my grandmother was not coming to my wedding due to some past family drama.  The day of the party, I worked really hard to not be upset and my MOH only said that I couldn't let it ruin the party.  The party started off really fun.  Went to dinner and it ended up taking a lot longer then she had planned for, which meant the after dinner plan wasn't an option.  Everyone was tired from dinner, but she said we were going out.  I said something about feeling old and she snapped at me and told me that I wasn't allowed to make anymore comments like that.  One of my BM's bought a round of shots and after that I started to feel like I was going to get sick.  I asked to go back to the room early (1am!) and she ignored me for the rest of the night.  The next day it was clear she was mad and was making rude comments to me.  I tried to make the best of it, but I just wanted to go home.  Later, I got a text from her telling me how mad she was and how I shouldn't blame alcohol for making me sick when I clearly have not been taking care of myself. She also said that I was deliberately ruining the night and was not appreciative of all the work, money and time she put into this.  She ended by saying that she was telling me this because she would not have another day like this.  Since then, anything that is brought up she responds negatively and just says she's not appreciated.  She had set up a tailgate party for the bridal party and family, and then said she was not planning anything for this.  Luckily my FH took care of it, but during the tailgate she yelled at me for not having paid for transportation for her for the rehearsal dinner. I am not sure what to do at this point.  Even when I attempt to say thank you or be responsive to her, she continues to make negative comments and anything she helps with his thrown in my face.

Re: I don't want to be near my MOH anymore

  • I am getting married in 5 days and I am trying to stay as excited as possible however issues with my MOH are making this challenging.  We have been super close and she was really excited when I got engaged and asked her to be my MOH.  I started to notice some negative comments from her right after my bridal shower.  She was looking for new jobs and was really active in her personal life.  The night before my bachelorette party, I was told that my grandmother was not coming to my wedding due to some past family drama.  The day of the party, I worked really hard to not be upset and my MOH only said that I couldn't let it ruin the party.  The party started off really fun.  Went to dinner and it ended up taking a lot longer then she had planned for, which meant the after dinner plan wasn't an option.  Everyone was tired from dinner, but she said we were going out.  I said something about feeling old and she snapped at me and told me that I wasn't allowed to make anymore comments like that.  One of my BM's bought a round of shots and after that I started to feel like I was going to get sick.  I asked to go back to the room early (1am!) and she ignored me for the rest of the night.  The next day it was clear she was mad and was making rude comments to me.  I tried to make the best of it, but I just wanted to go home.  Later, I got a text from her telling me how mad she was and how I shouldn't blame alcohol for making me sick when I clearly have not been taking care of myself. She also said that I was deliberately ruining the night and was not appreciative of all the work, money and time she put into this.  She ended by saying that she was telling me this because she would not have another day like this.  Since then, anything that is brought up she responds negatively and just says she's not appreciated.  She had set up a tailgate party for the bridal party and family, and then said she was not planning anything for this.  Luckily my FH took care of it, but during the tailgate she yelled at me for not having paid for transportation for her for the rehearsal dinner. I am not sure what to do at this point.  Even when I attempt to say thank you or be responsive to her, she continues to make negative comments and anything she helps with his thrown in my face.


    Well I can't blame her for being upset that she planned (and presumably paid for) things that didn't happen at the bachelorette party. Did you apologize to her or talk to her about it?

    She's very clearly telling you that she doesn't feel appreciated by you. What are you doing to change that? What have you done for her lately? Have you been talking to her about her life? Or anything except your wedding?

    How is it OPs fault dinner took longer than expected? OP is in the wrong for wanting to go back to the hotel at 1am because she felt sick? I'm not seeing it....

    Why did MOH expect to have her transportation covered for the RD? Was the location close to the ceremony location? Accessible from where she lives?

    Why did she back out of the tailgate party? Did she offer to host this party herself, or did you request it of her?

    Well from what you are saying OP, MOH is sounding cray-cray, but I do have to wonder, WHY? What spurred this on? Is there more you are not saying?

    I definitely think you need to take the wedding out of it and talk to her as a friend. Figure out why she is not feeling appreciated. Ask her if there is anything going on in HER life that she'd like to talk about.


    cowgirl8238Knottie1452098987
  • I have spent a lot of time with her that does not deal with the wedding. I've arranged time to travel to see her and have dinner or go to other events with just her. She's told me that she felt her duties were done and were not appreciated. I have told her thank you several times for everything she's done and helped with.  In regards to the tailgate she just stopped responding and then said she was too busy and then wanted to know what to bring at least a week in advance. I didn't ask for anything as far as a shower or party, but she told me she wanted to do these for me. I was very happy to help with anything and told her that I wanted it to be simple and affordable. We are all super busy and stressed and I didn't want the wedding to add to this. The only thing I asked for was to help me stay focused towards the end and not get too stressed out. I don't ever post about stuff, but this is wearing me down and I do not think it's appropriate to discuss this with another bridesmaid.  The only other issue I've had, is when I've spent time with another friend without her or haven't gone to something she felt was important, like concerts during the week. She's also told me I need couples counseling and should have talked to a lawyer about a prenup. Both of these were really odd to me. She told me she wouldn't think twice because there was no way she'd ever let someone have 50% of what she's worked for. 
  • Ask a better question - how does she know when she's appreciated?  I know this is going to sound odd, but line up an FTD delivery for next week Tuesday of some flowers and a Sincere Thank You to her and include just how much you appreciated all she did in the process. 
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    CMGragain
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2016
    I have spent a lot of time with her that does not deal with the wedding. I've arranged time to travel to see her and have dinner or go to other events with just her. She's told me that she felt her duties were done and were not appreciated. I have told her thank you several times for everything she's done and helped with.  In regards to the tailgate she just stopped responding and then said she was too busy and then wanted to know what to bring at least a week in advance. I didn't ask for anything as far as a shower or party, but she told me she wanted to do these for me. I was very happy to help with anything and told her that I wanted it to be simple and affordable. We are all super busy and stressed and I didn't want the wedding to add to this. The only thing I asked for was to help me stay focused towards the end and not get too stressed out. I don't ever post about stuff, but this is wearing me down and I do not think it's appropriate to discuss this with another bridesmaid.  The only other issue I've had, is when I've spent time with another friend without her or haven't gone to something she felt was important, like concerts during the week. She's also told me I need couples counseling and should have talked to a lawyer about a prenup. Both of these were really odd to me. She told me she wouldn't think twice because there was no way she'd ever let someone have 50% of what she's worked for. 
    She sounds very needy.  Feed her.  Send her flowers and a thank you note.  Wait!  You DIDN'T already write her a thank you note, but just verbally told her "Thanks a lot"?  If this is the case, she has a right to be unhappy with the way you have been treating her.

    PS.  She sounds like a smart lady about that counseling and a lawyer.  A bit of prevention in advance can prevent a lot of pain later.
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    MesmrEwe
  • Here on the boards - many of us can't recommend Premarital counseling for ALL couples highly enough!  Even if you think you've got a fairytale romance, we still recommend it for every couple because it's the best money spent because it's being used to plan the marriage - not just one day!  Things like discussing "rules of engagement" for when arguments happen, how to better communicate in marriage, kids (silly as it sounds many assume only to discover one did the other didn't want kids - both assumed the other had the same belief only to find out NOPE!  Which is a HUGE deal breaker!). Your MOH has your back here - that's not a bad thing!
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    charlotte989875Knottie1452098987STARMOON44
  • OP what do you mean she "was really active in her personal life"? Meaning she was dating? Maybe shes mad you weren't asking about her new job or new SO?


  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    SP29 said:
    I am getting married in 5 days and I am trying to stay as excited as possible however issues with my MOH are making this challenging.  We have been super close and she was really excited when I got engaged and asked her to be my MOH.  I started to notice some negative comments from her right after my bridal shower.  She was looking for new jobs and was really active in her personal life.  The night before my bachelorette party, I was told that my grandmother was not coming to my wedding due to some past family drama.  The day of the party, I worked really hard to not be upset and my MOH only said that I couldn't let it ruin the party.  The party started off really fun.  Went to dinner and it ended up taking a lot longer then she had planned for, which meant the after dinner plan wasn't an option.  Everyone was tired from dinner, but she said we were going out.  I said something about feeling old and she snapped at me and told me that I wasn't allowed to make anymore comments like that.  One of my BM's bought a round of shots and after that I started to feel like I was going to get sick.  I asked to go back to the room early (1am!) and she ignored me for the rest of the night.  The next day it was clear she was mad and was making rude comments to me.  I tried to make the best of it, but I just wanted to go home.  Later, I got a text from her telling me how mad she was and how I shouldn't blame alcohol for making me sick when I clearly have not been taking care of myself. She also said that I was deliberately ruining the night and was not appreciative of all the work, money and time she put into this.  She ended by saying that she was telling me this because she would not have another day like this.  Since then, anything that is brought up she responds negatively and just says she's not appreciated.  She had set up a tailgate party for the bridal party and family, and then said she was not planning anything for this.  Luckily my FH took care of it, but during the tailgate she yelled at me for not having paid for transportation for her for the rehearsal dinner. I am not sure what to do at this point.  Even when I attempt to say thank you or be responsive to her, she continues to make negative comments and anything she helps with his thrown in my face.


    Well I can't blame her for being upset that she planned (and presumably paid for) things that didn't happen at the bachelorette party. Did you apologize to her or talk to her about it?

    She's very clearly telling you that she doesn't feel appreciated by you. What are you doing to change that? What have you done for her lately? Have you been talking to her about her life? Or anything except your wedding?

    How is it OPs fault dinner took longer than expected? OP is in the wrong for wanting to go back to the hotel at 1am because she felt sick? I'm not seeing it....

    Why did MOH expect to have her transportation covered for the RD? Was the location close to the ceremony location? Accessible from where she lives?

    Why did she back out of the tailgate party? Did she offer to host this party herself, or did you request it of her?

    Well from what you are saying OP, MOH is sounding cray-cray, but I do have to wonder, WHY? What spurred this on? Is there more you are not saying?

    I definitely think you need to take the wedding out of it and talk to her as a friend. Figure out why she is not feeling appreciated. Ask her if there is anything going on in HER life that she'd like to talk about.



    It may not have been OP's fault and it may not be right for MOH to take it out on OP, but she has a right to be upset about things that she paid for that didn't happen. I'm seeing this as MOH planned a whole night  and LW was like, "nah, I'm tired". I'd be upset by that too.
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    charlotte989875LondonLisakimmiinthemittenTheDeathLlama
  • I know this thread is a week old but I have to say I'm surprised at some of these responses... everything else aside I think OP's friend pushing a prenup was way out of line and I would definitely be weirded out if my friend told me I needed one. Not that I don't think they are a good idea for some people, but it's not a friend's place to tell me how to manage my finances and the decision on whether or not to have a prenup is a very personal and emotional one that is 100% best left to the couple.

    Even the couples counseling suggestion is highly dependent on how she phrased it- there's a huge difference between "I found couples counseling to be a huge help in just giving my relationship a check-up before the big day" and "You and your FI need to go to counseling, oh and by the way you should definitely get a prenup." The former is helpful, the latter sounds majorly judgmental and would definitely put me on the defensive.
    charlotte989875short+sassySP29
  • I know this thread is a week old but I have to say I'm surprised at some of these responses... everything else aside I think OP's friend pushing a prenup was way out of line and I would definitely be weirded out if my friend told me I needed one. Not that I don't think they are a good idea for some people, but it's not a friend's place to tell me how to manage my finances and the decision on whether or not to have a prenup is a very personal and emotional one that is 100% best left to the couple.

    Even the couples counseling suggestion is highly dependent on how she phrased it- there's a huge difference between "I found couples counseling to be a huge help in just giving my relationship a check-up before the big day" and "You and your FI need to go to counseling, oh and by the way you should definitely get a prenup." The former is helpful, the latter sounds majorly judgmental and would definitely put me on the defensive.

    You're not alone, that was my reaction also.  Especially about the pre-nup.  I wouldn't mind a helpful suggestion from a CLOSE friend outlining the "pros" of a pre-nup and that I should consider/look into one.  But it sounds like she said it in a snit and with derision that the OP had not gotten one.  That isn't her business and it was out of line.

    If you're still out there OP, I hope you had an amazing wedding day and things got smoothed out with your MOH. 

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    TheMostHappy15
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I know this thread is a week old but I have to say I'm surprised at some of these responses... everything else aside I think OP's friend pushing a prenup was way out of line and I would definitely be weirded out if my friend told me I needed one. Not that I don't think they are a good idea for some people, but it's not a friend's place to tell me how to manage my finances and the decision on whether or not to have a prenup is a very personal and emotional one that is 100% best left to the couple.

    Even the couples counseling suggestion is highly dependent on how she phrased it- there's a huge difference between "I found couples counseling to be a huge help in just giving my relationship a check-up before the big day" and "You and your FI need to go to counseling, oh and by the way you should definitely get a prenup." The former is helpful, the latter sounds majorly judgmental and would definitely put me on the defensive.

    You're not alone, that was my reaction also.  Especially about the pre-nup.  I wouldn't mind a helpful suggestion from a CLOSE friend outlining the "pros" of a pre-nup and that I should consider/look into one.  But it sounds like she said it in a snit and with derision that the OP had not gotten one.  That isn't her business and it was out of line.

    If you're still out there OP, I hope you had an amazing wedding day and things got smoothed out with your MOH. 

    This is her MOH. It's her closest friend in the world! (Or should be anyway). 

    I agree it would be weird coming from an acquaintance or co-worker, but these are the kinds of things I expect my closest friends to be able to bring up. Especially the context, MOH was saying she would have gotten a pre-nup. It makes sense that she'd be thinking about what she'd do if she were in her BFF's shoes. 
    kimmiinthemittenPrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I know this thread is a week old but I have to say I'm surprised at some of these responses... everything else aside I think OP's friend pushing a prenup was way out of line and I would definitely be weirded out if my friend told me I needed one. Not that I don't think they are a good idea for some people, but it's not a friend's place to tell me how to manage my finances and the decision on whether or not to have a prenup is a very personal and emotional one that is 100% best left to the couple.

    Even the couples counseling suggestion is highly dependent on how she phrased it- there's a huge difference between "I found couples counseling to be a huge help in just giving my relationship a check-up before the big day" and "You and your FI need to go to counseling, oh and by the way you should definitely get a prenup." The former is helpful, the latter sounds majorly judgmental and would definitely put me on the defensive.

    You're not alone, that was my reaction also.  Especially about the pre-nup.  I wouldn't mind a helpful suggestion from a CLOSE friend outlining the "pros" of a pre-nup and that I should consider/look into one.  But it sounds like she said it in a snit and with derision that the OP had not gotten one.  That isn't her business and it was out of line.

    If you're still out there OP, I hope you had an amazing wedding day and things got smoothed out with your MOH. 

    This is her MOH. It's her closest friend in the world! (Or should be anyway). 

    I agree it would be weird coming from an acquaintance or co-worker, but these are the kinds of things I expect my closest friends to be able to bring up. Especially the context, MOH was saying she would have gotten a pre-nup. It makes sense that she'd be thinking about what she'd do if she were in her BFF's shoes. 
    I don't agree. There are some lines even the closest friends in the world should not be crossing just for the heck of it.

    It would only make sense for one's best friend to suggest pre-nups or couple's counseling if she had substantive reason to believe that there was something wrong with the relationship (and not just being jealous or in a personal snit). And that would have to be something really big, like violence, drug abuse, lying, cheating, etc. The casual daily ins and outs of a relationship are solely for the people involved to work out. If they choose to go to counseling or have a pre-nup to do that, more power to them, but it has to be their decision without the input of a "best friend."
    DrillSergeantCat
  • There are nasty ways and there are earnest ways of saying these sorts of things. If MOH said something along the lines of "you had better get counseling and a prenup, because there's no way this is ending well," that is a completely different circumstance than if she said, "to start your marriage off on the right foot, have you considered premarital counseling and a prenuptial agreement to protect you both financially?"  If it's more toward the first, well, that is certainly its own problem.  But if it is something more along the lines of the second example, try not to see offense where none is intended.  Not everyone wants or needs those things, but they really can be a very good idea in a lot of cases.  
    Jen4948cowgirl8238short+sassyCatherineJaneUk
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    There are nasty ways and there are earnest ways of saying these sorts of things. If MOH said something along the lines of "you had better get counseling and a prenup, because there's no way this is ending well," that is a completely different circumstance than if she said, "to start your marriage off on the right foot, have you considered premarital counseling and a prenuptial agreement to protect you both financially?"  If it's more toward the first, well, that is certainly its own problem.  But if it is something more along the lines of the second example, try not to see offense where none is intended.  Not everyone wants or needs those things, but they really can be a very good idea in a lot of cases.  
    It depends on the friendship. I would have zero problems if my best friend said this to me in either context. If it's the first, of course it would sting, but there's a reason she said it like that and it's because I'm missing something. 

    There's something odd about assuming that your best friend is angry and even pessimistic about your wedding and marriage unless something big is missing from the story.
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    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    I know this thread is a week old but I have to say I'm surprised at some of these responses... everything else aside I think OP's friend pushing a prenup was way out of line and I would definitely be weirded out if my friend told me I needed one. Not that I don't think they are a good idea for some people, but it's not a friend's place to tell me how to manage my finances and the decision on whether or not to have a prenup is a very personal and emotional one that is 100% best left to the couple.

    Even the couples counseling suggestion is highly dependent on how she phrased it- there's a huge difference between "I found couples counseling to be a huge help in just giving my relationship a check-up before the big day" and "You and your FI need to go to counseling, oh and by the way you should definitely get a prenup." The former is helpful, the latter sounds majorly judgmental and would definitely put me on the defensive.

    You're not alone, that was my reaction also.  Especially about the pre-nup.  I wouldn't mind a helpful suggestion from a CLOSE friend outlining the "pros" of a pre-nup and that I should consider/look into one.  But it sounds like she said it in a snit and with derision that the OP had not gotten one.  That isn't her business and it was out of line.

    If you're still out there OP, I hope you had an amazing wedding day and things got smoothed out with your MOH. 

    This is her MOH. It's her closest friend in the world! (Or should be anyway). 

    I agree it would be weird coming from an acquaintance or co-worker, but these are the kinds of things I expect my closest friends to be able to bring up. Especially the context, MOH was saying she would have gotten a pre-nup. It makes sense that she'd be thinking about what she'd do if she were in her BFF's shoes. 
    I don't agree. There are some lines even the closest friends in the world should not be crossing just for the heck of it.

    It would only make sense for one's best friend to suggest pre-nups or couple's counseling if she had substantive reason to believe that there was something wrong with the relationship (and not just being jealous or in a personal snit). And that would have to be something really big, like violence, drug abuse, lying, cheating, etc. The casual daily ins and outs of a relationship are solely for the people involved to work out. If they choose to go to counseling or have a pre-nup to do that, more power to them, but it has to be their decision without the input of a "best friend."
    It's not just for the heck of it. It's because these are important issues that shouldn't be discussed with just anyone. 

    It's absurd to say that suggesting these prudent steps are indicative of something wrong with the relationship. Everyone should consider pre-marital counseling and consider whether a pre-nup is right for them. Obviously it's up to the couple to decide whether to go through with it, but it's 100% fair for a good friend to bring them up and mention what she'd do.

    It depends. As I said, if the best friend has reason to believe that there's a serious problem, then yes, it makes sense to suggest these things. It still needs to be done with caution, because someone may not react as intended to the suggestion. Even if nothing is wrong with the relationship, the suggestion could lead them to think that something is and could plant seeds of doubt or mistrust.

    But it also depends on the spirit in which the suggestion is made. If it's done in a snide or intrusive way, or in a way that doesn't seem disinterested, the "best friendship" could suffer too.
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