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Gay Weddings
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Inviting Homophobic Family
Some of my extended family is homophobic. I'm not quite sure who is anymore because some of the ones who were homophobic act like they've changed their tune since they figured out that I'm gay. I don't think anyone will make a scene, but my fiancee and I don't really want people to be there if they don't support our marriage.
One of our bridesmaids is transgender as well. I know some people are even more transphobic and I want to protect her too.
The ceremony is also going to be non-traditional, with a Celtic High Priestess and a Lutheran (ELCA) Pastor. The same family members won't be comfortable with this either, even though the Pastor is 100% on board with the handfasting.
I have to invite some relatives that may be a problem because they are my Dad's siblings and their kids, his family is extremely close, and the wedding is in my parents' backyard. I'd like to include something with the wedding invitation that gets the point across that I won't be offended if people who can't support our marriage decide not to come (the subtext is that I'd prefer those with an issue not come, but I know that won't go over well). I'm not sure if I want to out our bridesmaid, but I also don't want her to feel threatened by my bigoted cousin (I know her opinion on trans issues). How can I word this so that no one gets offended, but people get the point?
One of our bridesmaids is transgender as well. I know some people are even more transphobic and I want to protect her too.
The ceremony is also going to be non-traditional, with a Celtic High Priestess and a Lutheran (ELCA) Pastor. The same family members won't be comfortable with this either, even though the Pastor is 100% on board with the handfasting.
I have to invite some relatives that may be a problem because they are my Dad's siblings and their kids, his family is extremely close, and the wedding is in my parents' backyard. I'd like to include something with the wedding invitation that gets the point across that I won't be offended if people who can't support our marriage decide not to come (the subtext is that I'd prefer those with an issue not come, but I know that won't go over well). I'm not sure if I want to out our bridesmaid, but I also don't want her to feel threatened by my bigoted cousin (I know her opinion on trans issues). How can I word this so that no one gets offended, but people get the point?
Re: Inviting Homophobic Family
2nd bolded: Have you talked with your dad about your concerns? I think that is step one. It is absolutely okay to want to only invite people who support you and your marriage and guest safety and comfort should always be #1 (re your bridesmaid).
3rd bolded: An invitation is not a summons, so it's always okay to RSVP no. I wouldn't say anything different in the invitation. Think about it, 10 years later you're looking at your invitation and there's a note telling people it's okay to discriminate against you and your partner. IMO, their opinions are their problem and not yours, so don't add their negativity to your things.
However, it's also okay to be offended by people who don't support your marriage because they are homophobic. Always. I'd circle back to number 1 and make sure the list is one you, your partner are your parents are okay with and is realistic in who deserves an invitation.
1st bolded: Some of those people may have actually come around. Trust your gut in discerning the difference.
Good luck and happy planning!
I know that one relative has come around (he congratulated me on my engagement via Facebook PM and seems to be going out of his way to repair our relationship
This is where your family members come in. If someone misbehaves at your ceremony or reception, your family member quietly, but firmly, asks them to leave.
Straight people have this issue, too. My late mother was racist, and was quite capable of embarrassing herself by shouting racist slogans in public. Since my daughter married a man of Chinese descent, we were all relieved when she declined the invitation to the wedding.
As for the ceremony, no problem with the blending of traditions. My daughter was handfasted at her Methodist ceremony, and it was the minister's idea. Christianity often borrows customs from other religions - like Christmas trees, Easter eggs, Hallowe'en, etc.
I know that some churches do accept a blending of traditions, but I have an aunt who is very anti-pagan and my fiancee's spirituality tends toward pagan. She is also one of the people whose opinion seems to have changed, but I'm not sure about it. If there were some way to warn her about how uncomfortable she is likely to be during the ceremony, I think it'd be better for everyone involved.
I suppose I could consider keeping the ceremony itself small...hmmm....
I'd also argue this is something for you to consider as well. Are you willing to allow this drama into your wedding day in exchange for your dads property if he isn't willing to budge on the invite list?
You are not obligated to invite anyone, except you cannot invite only half of a couple. (No Auntie, but not her husband stuff.) I did not invite several relatives to my own wedding due to family history. If a relative or friend has made it clear that they do not approve, then you do not have to invite them. Their loss!
If your Aunt doesn't approve of pagan symbols, then she'd better not have a Christmas tree in her house!
You definitely do not need to invite your cousin, even if you are inviting your aunt. If anyone asks, you can say, "I didn't think it would be appropriate to invite someone who is not supportive of my marriage". Done.
Don't change your invitations. Writing a little line on them isn't going to change their opinion, and if they already feel obligated to attend because they received the invite, they'll still come anyway. And for those who are supportive, it's going to look strange and they'll wonder what in the heck is going on. Ignore the drama, focus on your marriage!
@redwoodoriginal and @kimmiinthemitten- I don't know if my dad will insist or not, but if he does, it's invite them or host the wedding myself, which I don't have the space or money for.
@SP29 - nice comeback! I'll use it if I get the opportunity.