Wedding Etiquette Forum

How to deal with a difficult plus one?

My fiance's younger brother has been dating a girl for a little over a year now. I was not a fan of her from the beginning, but I've tried to be friendly whenever we saw them. Nobody in the family is really a huge fan of her...she comes across self-entitled, and says things that can be offensive. She also moved into his house 2 weeks after first dating, and had his house decorated with her monogram a day later. My fiance's family is more on the traditional side, and didn't really approve.

She acted weirdly over-excited when we first got engaged. She insisted she had been waiting "forever" for this to happen (I had only seen her a handful of times prior), and she shared it all over her Facebook. The next time we saw them, she gave me an engagement gift (a Future Mrs. .... shirt). I thanked her for it numerous times, then went back to the reality of work and wedding planning.

Two days after receiving the shirt, I got a text message from her asking whether I really liked the shirt, and if not she offered to take it back for herself to wear one day. I was speechless! Unfortunately, instead of thinking about it, I answered quickly (I didn't know what to say!) and made a bad joke about them only dating for 1 year. I made it clear it was a joke, and even followed up thanking her again for the shirt and saying I was happy that they were so happy.

Well, she now refuses to speak with me or have anything to do with me. We saw them at another family event, and she walked out of her way to avoid seeing us. When I tried to start a conversation, she wouldn't look at me or talk to me directly. It turns out she felt I didn't show enough appreciation for the gift, so she offered to take it back, and my response made her feel I wasn't taking her seriously as a girlfriend. She also ignored everyone else in his family, and sat there with a "I dare you to talk to me" look on her face the whole time.

I don't know how to handle this...it's been the only thing my fiance and I have fought about during wedding planning. I do not want her there, but obviously can't not invite my fiance's brothers' girlfriend. I'm hoping she'll gracefully bow out, but that doesn't seem to be her style. I want my fiance to back me up and confront his brother about it, but he doesn't want to hurt their relationship. His brother is already not talking to their other brother because of something he said about the girlfriend.

How do I handle a plus one that I don't want there?

Thanks! Sorry, I know it was a long post!!

Re: How to deal with a difficult plus one?

  • My fiance's younger brother has been dating a girl for a little over a year now. I was not a fan of her from the beginning, but I've tried to be friendly whenever we saw them. Nobody in the family is really a huge fan of her...she comes across self-entitled, and says things that can be offensive. She also moved into his house 2 weeks after first dating, and had his house decorated with her monogram a day later. My fiance's family is more on the traditional side, and didn't really approve.

    She acted weirdly over-excited when we first got engaged. She insisted she had been waiting "forever" for this to happen (I had only seen her a handful of times prior), and she shared it all over her Facebook. The next time we saw them, she gave me an engagement gift (a Future Mrs. .... shirt). I thanked her for it numerous times, then went back to the reality of work and wedding planning.

    Two days after receiving the shirt, I got a text message from her asking whether I really liked the shirt, and if not she offered to take it back for herself to wear one day. I was speechless! Unfortunately, instead of thinking about it, I answered quickly (I didn't know what to say!) and made a bad joke about them only dating for 1 year. I made it clear it was a joke, and even followed up thanking her again for the shirt and saying I was happy that they were so happy.

    Well, she now refuses to speak with me or have anything to do with me. We saw them at another family event, and she walked out of her way to avoid seeing us. When I tried to start a conversation, she wouldn't look at me or talk to me directly. It turns out she felt I didn't show enough appreciation for the gift, so she offered to take it back, and my response made her feel I wasn't taking her seriously as a girlfriend. She also ignored everyone else in his family, and sat there with a "I dare you to talk to me" look on her face the whole time.

    I don't know how to handle this...it's been the only thing my fiance and I have fought about during wedding planning. I do not want her there, but obviously can't not invite my fiance's brothers' girlfriend. I'm hoping she'll gracefully bow out, but that doesn't seem to be her style. I want my fiance to back me up and confront his brother about it, but he doesn't want to hurt their relationship. His brother is already not talking to their other brother because of something he said about the girlfriend.

    How do I handle a plus one that I don't want there?

    Thanks! Sorry, I know it was a long post!!

    You act gracious, say thanks for coming and focus on your other guests. She may not be your favorite person, but unless she has been abusive or violent to you, your FI, or another guest there is no reason to exclude your future brother in law's significant other. 

    She sounds immature. Sometimes family members are, but you're making way too big of a deal out of this. Reach out to her, have coffee, apologize for not taking her relationship seriosuly and leave it at that. If she continues to act like a child, well that's on her. But you can't exclude without doing damage to your relationship with FBIL and it sounds like your FI as well, since he recognizes the need for her to be invited. 
  • My fiance's younger brother has been dating a girl for a little over a year now. I was not a fan of her from the beginning, but I've tried to be friendly whenever we saw them. Nobody in the family is really a huge fan of her...she comes across self-entitled, and says things that can be offensive. She also moved into his house 2 weeks after first dating, and had his house decorated with her monogram a day later. My fiance's family is more on the traditional side, and didn't really approve.
    None of your business and not relevant. You don't know what goes on in her relationship. Stop being so judgmental.

    She acted weirdly over-excited when we first got engaged. She insisted she had been waiting "forever" for this to happen (I had only seen her a handful of times prior), and she shared it all over her Facebook. The next time we saw them, she gave me an engagement gift (a Future Mrs. .... shirt). I thanked her for it numerous times, then went back to the reality of work and wedding planning.
    Did you write her a thank you note? Or did you just say thanks in passing. 

    Two days after receiving the shirt, I got a text message from her asking whether I really liked the shirt, and if not she offered to take it back for herself to wear one day. I was speechless! Unfortunately, instead of thinking about it, I answered quickly (I didn't know what to say!) and made a bad joke about them only dating for 1 year. I made it clear it was a joke, and even followed up thanking her again for the shirt and saying I was happy that they were so happy.
    Wow, that was uncalled for and really rude. Who likes jokes that your relationship isn't valid. Plenty of people are happily married after knowing each other for a few months.

    Well, she now refuses to speak with me or have anything to do with me. We saw them at another family event, and she walked out of her way to avoid seeing us. When I tried to start a conversation, she wouldn't look at me or talk to me directly. It turns out she felt I didn't show enough appreciation for the gift, so she offered to take it back, and my response made her feel I wasn't taking her seriously as a girlfriend. She also ignored everyone else in his family, and sat there with a "I dare you to talk to me" look on her face the whole time.
    If you didn't write a thank you note, you didn't show enough appreciation. Also, you responded with a really snarky and mean judgement of her relationship. She was acting immature, yes, but you are being just as petty and drama-loving.

    I don't know how to handle this...it's been the only thing my fiance and I have fought about during wedding planning. I do not want her there, but obviously can't not invite my fiance's brothers' girlfriend. I'm hoping she'll gracefully bow out, but that doesn't seem to be her style. I want my fiance to back me up and confront his brother about it, but he doesn't want to hurt their relationship. His brother is already not talking to their other brother because of something he said about the girlfriend.
    Apologise for your mean joke. Thank her for the gift with a hand written thank you note. Quit trying to put a giant wedge between your fiance and his brother!

    How do I handle a plus one that I don't want there?

    Thanks! Sorry, I know it was a long post!!

    So this woman was excited for your wedding, was really nice to you, bought you a gift, and you responded by being mean about her relationship?

    I agree that it was immature to give you the silent treatment, but you cannot disinvite her. You are being a bridezilla and a jerk in this situation. 

    So here is how you 'handle' the situation:

    1.) Call her and apologise for your mean joke
    2.) Write her a handwritten thank you note about how much you appreciate her thoughtful engagement gift
    3.) invite her to the wedding and welcome her graciously.
    4.) Ignore this petty high school drama you are creating. 
    QFT. 
  • This is a difficult plus one?   Right now the difficult one is the bride to be.

    They're clearly in a relationship and the only thing this person has done is try to be nice to you while you try to show her that you're somehow more advanced or better. 

    Relationships don't have defined stages.   Apologize for getting off on the wrong foot and move on.   And apologize to your freaking FI for trying to put him in the middle of this.    

    This isn't a real conflict.   This is a made up conflict of your own doing.   You're getting married - please adult this. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2016
    The only things you can do are apologize profusely for the joke, thank her in a nice note for her gift, invite her, and be as gracious as possible. 
  • You reiterated it was a joke, but did you apologize for making the joke? While I think her response was a bit over the top, petty and immature, I think her taking offense at the joke was very justified. 

    In my book, a year of dating is not short at all! There are many Knotties on here who got engaged and married after short periods of time. H and I got engaged after seven months of dating and married another six months after that. We have now been married almost four years and are expecting our first child. I know people who got engaged after just a few weeks and have been married now for three decades. Please don't judge shorter relationships.

    Yes, you should invite her. You don't have to like her, but you should do your best to be cordial and friendly. I have relations who married people I'm not the hugest fan of, but I am still gracious and friendly and I don't exclude them from things. 
  • Thank you everyone for your feedback. I just want to start off by saying I think my post reads differently than I intended. I was trying to give some background as to why I'm not the only person in his family that doesn't care for her,  but at the end of the day it doesn't matter and it is none of my business. 

    i do regret the way I responded, and if I could do it differently I definitely would. I just reached out to her and apologized for my part and if I was hurtful. I hope this helps moving towards the wedding.

    i never meant to ask whether she should be invited or not, I would never put my fiancé in that position with his brother. I just sent out save the dates, and addressed it to her by name. I have promised him I would never want to hurt his relationship with his brother, and I wouldn't put him in that position. I do have to admit I was hurt by the whole thing, and it wasn't the first situation with her, but I have been trying to proceed correctly...I guess I was looking for advice on how to handle having someone there that your not exactly thrilled about, but I would never not invite her.

    sorry if my post didn't come across in the best way. Thanks for the feedback.
  • Thank you everyone for your feedback. I just want to start off by saying I think my post reads differently than I intended. I was trying to give some background as to why I'm not the only person in his family that doesn't care for her,  but at the end of the day it doesn't matter and it is none of my business. 

    i do regret the way I responded, and if I could do it differently I definitely would. I just reached out to her and apologized for my part and if I was hurtful. I hope this helps moving towards the wedding.

    i never meant to ask whether she should be invited or not, I would never put my fiancé in that position with his brother. I just sent out save the dates, and addressed it to her by name. I have promised him I would never want to hurt his relationship with his brother, and I wouldn't put him in that position. I do have to admit I was hurt by the whole thing, and it wasn't the first situation with her, but I have been trying to proceed correctly...I guess I was looking for advice on how to handle having someone there that your not exactly thrilled about, but I would never not invite her.

    sorry if my post didn't come across in the best way. Thanks for the feedback.
    You handle it the same way you handle every other party or social event you attend with her.

    Be civil, thank her for coming, and then move on with your night/life.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Thank you everyone for your feedback. I just want to start off by saying I think my post reads differently than I intended. I was trying to give some background as to why I'm not the only person in his family that doesn't care for her,  but at the end of the day it doesn't matter and it is none of my business. 

    i do regret the way I responded, and if I could do it differently I definitely would. I just reached out to her and apologized for my part and if I was hurtful. I hope this helps moving towards the wedding.

    i never meant to ask whether she should be invited or not, I would never put my fiancé in that position with his brother. I just sent out save the dates, and addressed it to her by name. I have promised him I would never want to hurt his relationship with his brother, and I wouldn't put him in that position. I do have to admit I was hurt by the whole thing, and it wasn't the first situation with her, but I have been trying to proceed correctly...I guess I was looking for advice on how to handle having someone there that your not exactly thrilled about, but I would never not invite her.

    sorry if my post didn't come across in the best way. Thanks for the feedback.
    Thank you for coming back and clarifying. I am really glad to hear you weren't thinking of not inviting her, or putting your H in that situation. Although  I am willing to bet you being kind and compassionate to this woman in spite of her immature responses will change the dynamic. I feel a bit bad for her, she must know that everyone in this family dislikes her. I am not surprised she gets defensive. 

    But I have good news, at my wedding, I had people I absolutely loved and adored there that I only got to spend a few moments with. It goes by fast, you are pulled in a million different directions, and I promise you wont even notice her. 
  • edited November 2016
    Thank you everyone for your feedback. I just want to start off by saying I think my post reads differently than I intended. I was trying to give some background as to why I'm not the only person in his family that doesn't care for her,  but at the end of the day it doesn't matter and it is none of my business. 

    i do regret the way I responded, and if I could do it differently I definitely would. I just reached out to her and apologized for my part and if I was hurtful. I hope this helps moving towards the wedding.

    i never meant to ask whether she should be invited or not, I would never put my fiancé in that position with his brother. I just sent out save the dates, and addressed it to her by name. I have promised him I would never want to hurt his relationship with his brother, and I wouldn't put him in that position. I do have to admit I was hurt by the whole thing, and it wasn't the first situation with her, but I have been trying to proceed correctly...I guess I was looking for advice on how to handle having someone there that your not exactly thrilled about, but I would never not invite her.

    sorry if my post didn't come across in the best way. Thanks for the feedback.
    Honestly, the day will go so fast, you probably won't even see her for more than a few minutes. There will be so many other things you're focusing on. 

    I wasn't super thrilled that my H's ex girlfriend was coming to our wedding. But my H had stayed friends with her and her family. Leading up to the wedding, she asked me very rude and very personal questions. I can't even remember if I actually spoke to her at the reception (she was late and missed the ceremony, thus missing our receiving line). It really was a blur. 
  • Thank you everyone for your feedback. I just want to start off by saying I think my post reads differently than I intended. I was trying to give some background as to why I'm not the only person in his family that doesn't care for her,  but at the end of the day it doesn't matter and it is none of my business. 

    i do regret the way I responded, and if I could do it differently I definitely would. I just reached out to her and apologized for my part and if I was hurtful. I hope this helps moving towards the wedding.

    i never meant to ask whether she should be invited or not, I would never put my fiancé in that position with his brother. I just sent out save the dates, and addressed it to her by name. I have promised him I would never want to hurt his relationship with his brother, and I wouldn't put him in that position. I do have to admit I was hurt by the whole thing, and it wasn't the first situation with her, but I have been trying to proceed correctly...I guess I was looking for advice on how to handle having someone there that your not exactly thrilled about, but I would never not invite her.

    sorry if my post didn't come across in the best way. Thanks for the feedback.
    Apologizing if you were hurtful is a half apology. You know you hurt her. I am also glad to hear that you're not excluding her from your wedding. At my own wedding 7 weeks ago, I spent maybe 30 seconds with each guest. It's not that big of a deal to have someone there you don't like. Don't stress over this.

    Also, change your name from the random Knottie#'s one to something we'll all recognize.

  • Thank you everyone for your feedback. I just want to start off by saying I think my post reads differently than I intended. I was trying to give some background as to why I'm not the only person in his family that doesn't care for her,  but at the end of the day it doesn't matter and it is none of my business. 

    i do regret the way I responded, and if I could do it differently I definitely would. I just reached out to her and apologized for my part and if I was hurtful. I hope this helps moving towards the wedding.

    i never meant to ask whether she should be invited or not, I would never put my fiancé in that position with his brother. I just sent out save the dates, and addressed it to her by name. I have promised him I would never want to hurt his relationship with his brother, and I wouldn't put him in that position. I do have to admit I was hurt by the whole thing, and it wasn't the first situation with her, but I have been trying to proceed correctly...I guess I was looking for advice on how to handle having someone there that your not exactly thrilled about, but I would never not invite her.

    sorry if my post didn't come across in the best way. Thanks for the feedback.
    You handle it by being equally polite to everyone, whether you like them, or not.  This is basic etiquette 101.  Did you think we would tell you it would be OK to be rude to her?
    You created this situation.  You solve it.  Make nice with the lady who might just be your future sister-in-law.
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  • edited November 2016
    charlotte989875 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Thank you everyone for your feedback. I just want to start off by saying I think my post reads differently than I intended. I was trying to give some background as to why I'm not the only person in his family that doesn't care for her,  but at the end of the day it doesn't matter and it is none of my business. 

    i do regret the way I responded, and if I could do it differently I definitely would. I just reached out to her and apologized for my part and if I was hurtful. I hope this helps moving towards the wedding.

    i never meant to ask whether she should be invited or not, I would never put my fiancé in that position with his brother. I just sent out save the dates, and addressed it to her by name. I have promised him I would never want to hurt his relationship with his brother, and I wouldn't put him in that position. I do have to admit I was hurt by the whole thing, and it wasn't the first situation with her, but I have been trying to proceed correctly...I guess I was looking for advice on how to handle having someone there that your not exactly thrilled about, but I would never not invite her.

    sorry if my post didn't come across in the best way. Thanks for the feedback.
    You handle it by being equally polite to everyone, whether you like them, or not.  This is basic etiquette 101.  Did you think we would tell you it would be OK to be rude to her?
    You created this situation.  You solve it.  Make nice with the lady who might just be your future sister-in-law.
    She's asking for help on how to solve it, and recognized she was in the wrong, is just saying "You did this, you fix it" really helping?

    She clearly came back, was thankful for the feedback, and was look for some practical advice. I guess I don't see the point in harping on a new poster who is trying to make something right. 
     
    I agree with your response Charlotte. For a forum so focused on etiquette, the posters are normally very rude in their responses! lol.  

    The tone is often aggressive and some people would say it's because they say things people don't want to hear, but you can say something people don't want to hear in a polite way.  Most of the commentators have spoken in such a harsh tone, I'd be very surprised if they used this tone in public.  The comments are often made in the most rude way possible.   

    To the OP - I know its hard and there is nothing wrong with judging their relationship. We are people, we judge. But you may have to find a way to work with this crazy girl for the good of the family. I'm in a similar situation and we both have to grin and bear it.  
  • charlotte989875 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Thank you everyone for your feedback. I just want to start off by saying I think my post reads differently than I intended. I was trying to give some background as to why I'm not the only person in his family that doesn't care for her,  but at the end of the day it doesn't matter and it is none of my business. 

    i do regret the way I responded, and if I could do it differently I definitely would. I just reached out to her and apologized for my part and if I was hurtful. I hope this helps moving towards the wedding.

    i never meant to ask whether she should be invited or not, I would never put my fiancé in that position with his brother. I just sent out save the dates, and addressed it to her by name. I have promised him I would never want to hurt his relationship with his brother, and I wouldn't put him in that position. I do have to admit I was hurt by the whole thing, and it wasn't the first situation with her, but I have been trying to proceed correctly...I guess I was looking for advice on how to handle having someone there that your not exactly thrilled about, but I would never not invite her.

    sorry if my post didn't come across in the best way. Thanks for the feedback.
    You handle it by being equally polite to everyone, whether you like them, or not.  This is basic etiquette 101.  Did you think we would tell you it would be OK to be rude to her?
    You created this situation.  You solve it.  Make nice with the lady who might just be your future sister-in-law.
    She's asking for help on how to solve it, and recognized she was in the wrong, is just saying "You did this, you fix it" really helping?

    She clearly came back, was thankful for the feedback, and was look for some practical advice. I guess I don't see the point in harping on a new poster who is trying to make something right. 
     
    I agree with your response Charlotte. For a forum so focused on etiquette, the posters are normally very rude in their responses! lol.  

    The tone is often aggressive and some people would say it's because they say things people don't want to hear, but you can say something people don't want to hear in a polite way.  Most of the commentators have spoken in such a harsh tone, I'd be very surprised if they used this tone in public.  The comments are often made in the most rude way possible.   

    To the OP - I know its hard and there is nothing wrong with judging their relationship. We are people, we judge. But you may have to find a way to work with this crazy girl for the good of the family. I'm in a similar situation and we both have to grin and bear it.  
    There is something wrong with judging another person's relationship and whether it's serious or valid. It's hurtful to the people in that relationship. 

    I know you just posted something similar on the other threads about the boards being mean and aggressive and impolite. I know you're new to these boards and it can take a while to get the tone of them and at least initally sometimes people can come across as harsh, when that is not intended. There is a lot of direct language used here because talking around something leaves room for misinterpretation. If a bride posts something that is rude or going to negatively affect her guests, people will say that directly so there is no misunderstanding. 

    That style of forum isn't for everyone. I do hope you stick around because there is a lot of good advice and information here, and the posters are all here because they have experience with weddings and enjoy helping people plan. But there isn't a lot of pussy-footing around issues which can be off putting for some people. 
    I meant judge in the sense of have an opinion on something, not to say it directly to that person. In the same way someone may wear a dress I don't like. In my head, I may think I don't like this dress. Isn't that what people do.
  • charlotte989875 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Thank you everyone for your feedback. I just want to start off by saying I think my post reads differently than I intended. I was trying to give some background as to why I'm not the only person in his family that doesn't care for her,  but at the end of the day it doesn't matter and it is none of my business. 

    i do regret the way I responded, and if I could do it differently I definitely would. I just reached out to her and apologized for my part and if I was hurtful. I hope this helps moving towards the wedding.

    i never meant to ask whether she should be invited or not, I would never put my fiancé in that position with his brother. I just sent out save the dates, and addressed it to her by name. I have promised him I would never want to hurt his relationship with his brother, and I wouldn't put him in that position. I do have to admit I was hurt by the whole thing, and it wasn't the first situation with her, but I have been trying to proceed correctly...I guess I was looking for advice on how to handle having someone there that your not exactly thrilled about, but I would never not invite her.

    sorry if my post didn't come across in the best way. Thanks for the feedback.
    You handle it by being equally polite to everyone, whether you like them, or not.  This is basic etiquette 101.  Did you think we would tell you it would be OK to be rude to her?
    You created this situation.  You solve it.  Make nice with the lady who might just be your future sister-in-law.
    She's asking for help on how to solve it, and recognized she was in the wrong, is just saying "You did this, you fix it" really helping?

    She clearly came back, was thankful for the feedback, and was look for some practical advice. I guess I don't see the point in harping on a new poster who is trying to make something right. 
     
    I agree with your response Charlotte. For a forum so focused on etiquette, the posters are normally very rude in their responses! lol.  

    The tone is often aggressive and some people would say it's because they say things people don't want to hear, but you can say something people don't want to hear in a polite way.  Most of the commentators have spoken in such a harsh tone, I'd be very surprised if they used this tone in public.  The comments are often made in the most rude way possible.   

    To the OP - I know its hard and there is nothing wrong with judging their relationship. We are people, we judge. But you may have to find a way to work with this crazy girl for the good of the family. I'm in a similar situation and we both have to grin and bear it.  
    There is something wrong with judging another person's relationship and whether it's serious or valid. It's hurtful to the people in that relationship. 

    I know you just posted something similar on the other threads about the boards being mean and aggressive and impolite. I know you're new to these boards and it can take a while to get the tone of them and at least initally sometimes people can come across as harsh, when that is not intended. There is a lot of direct language used here because talking around something leaves room for misinterpretation. If a bride posts something that is rude or going to negatively affect her guests, people will say that directly so there is no misunderstanding. 

    That style of forum isn't for everyone. I do hope you stick around because there is a lot of good advice and information here, and the posters are all here because they have experience with weddings and enjoy helping people plan. But there isn't a lot of pussy-footing around issues which can be off putting for some people. 
    I meant judge in the sense of have an opinion on something, not to say it directly to that person. In the same way someone may wear a dress I don't like. In my head, I may think I don't like this dress. Isn't that what people do.
    That's not what good people do. 

    Judging usually comes from a place of insecurity. It's easy to feel better about your own relationship or outfit if you're mentally criticizing someone else's. 
  • I think having her in a few of the family photo shots is a great idea.

    Now... if she's still acting outright unfriendly closer to the wedding I'd consider a sweetheart table if you weren't already. You have to seat her with her boyfriend (who I'm guessing is in the wedding party?). So if you don't want her two seats away from you at the head table the only other option is a sweetheart (or a king's table if FBIL isn't the best man).

    Depending on how much you want to mend the fences you could give her a special wrist corsage that matches the bouquets/other corsages so she feels like part of the family and day. But it's not necessary. Your call.
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