Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?

NicoleSahara · February 2012

I'm going to a wine tasting tonight. Originally I was going to go with H (he wasn't too excited about but knew I was so he was cool with it). I ran into a friend of mine, told her about it, and she was really excited about it too so I suggested we go together (which let H off the hook, so he was very supportive of this idea).

This friend has been notorious for ditching out at the last minute for one reason or another, but she's also been through a lot this last year, so everyone kind of lets it slide. So I wasn't too surprised to get a text that said 'I might not make it tonight.' I asked her what was up and she said her depression was just not good today.

I don't want to be overly pushy, but I also know holing up does not help someone when they're in a dark place. I told her I didn't want to force her to hang out, but that maybe some girl time was just what she needed. She agreed and said she was going to take a nap and let me know for sure after that.

I'm kind of bummed because I was excited about the wine tasting and I doubt she's going to come, but what would you do if faced with this situation with a friend? Just give up? Keep trying to make plans with her and having her ditch out? Anyone have some insight?

J&K10910 · February 2012

I'd offer to bring over dinner and a movie.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling crappy, the thought of getting ready, driving somewhere, and having to make nice with strangers is just way too much. But if I canceled on someone, and they said "well, how about if I bring over some takeout and a funny movie, and we can just chill in our sweats instead of going somewhere," I'd be delighted 90% of the time. And I'd consider myself really lucky to have that person as a friend. I WANT to see people I'm close to, I just don't have the motivation to make it happen if I have to go somewhere.

Now, I'm not saying you should ditch out on your wine tasting plans, because those were your plans before friend said she'd go. But maybe offer to go over there another night this weekend or in the near future.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · February 2012

I'd maybe suggest hanging out at home - like, "How about I come over to your place tonight with a rented movie and we can just hang out and talk, if you don't feel like going out? I miss you."

ricksang · February 2012

How often does she ditch and what happened to her?

I'd go with you, that sounds fun!

MandK9 · February 2012

The fact that she owns it and is forthcoming about her reason for not coming ("my depression is not good today" vs. some fabricated excuse, like "my mom's car broke down and I need to go pick her up") is a good sign. At least she's recognizing that it's affecting her social behavior.

I might call her once she texts you later, and tell her that while you want to keep your plans for tonight and are sad that she's not in the right place to be able to do it (word it better than that, I'm speaking sort of clinically... which is ugly), that you would love to spend some low-key time with her soon, and follow through on that.

jennamarie10 · February 2012

I have a friend who is notorious for this as well, but usually just because she gets too busy/overwhelmed with other things. I still love her as a person and make an effort to see her when she is available, but have usually just counted her in my head as a "maybe" when she agrees to do something with me. that way I guess I'm not overly disappointed when she backs out the day before.

If I were you I would probably ask your H to go the wine tasting tonight and then offer to catch up with her soon.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

If she does it all the time, then I say go to the wine tasting and have fun. Bring your H if you can. I'd offer to hang out with the friend this weekend or some other time soon, at her place if she's comfortable. Constant ditchers annoy me so I wouldn't go out of my way, unless she just went through something traumatizing, like watching her kid die or something.

J&K10910 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:09e25856-0d95-4b73-99e7-83c6881897fa">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP's. FWIW, when I was dealing with depression a few years ago, it was always nice that my friends still invited me to do stuff, even if I turned them down all the time. Once I finally got to a feeling of normalcy, I was very grateful that my friends didn't give up on me. If that makes any sense.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

Yes, this too. Please don't stop inviting her places, unless you just don't want to be friends with her anymore. It's likely really important to her to know that you still want to hang out with her, even if she doesn't want to go. I know it gets frustrating, but please know that her bailing has NOTHING to do with you.

I always knew if I actually got ready and went, I'd have fun. But when you're depressed, even the act of putting on makeup can be overwhelming enough to make you cry. She probably WANTS to go, but she honestly just can't.

ricksang · February 2012

IDK, I am very depressed right now but I don't flake out on my friends. I think if you tell someone you are going to do something, you should!

NicoleSahara · February 2012

Thanks for the advice ladies, I didn't know if suggesting something low key like that would be ok or if she'd be like "Ugh why won't this girl just leave me ALONE!" Ricks come on over, it'll be lots of fun! And as far as what happened to her, just some bad stuff that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

If she doesn't text later, would you leave her alone for tonight?

J&K10910 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:c1779871-6850-4512-a0c3-3e539f6e5fab">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]If she does it all the time, then I say go to the wine tasting and have fun. Bring your H if you can. I'd offer to hang out with the friend this weekend or some other time soon, at her place if she's comfortable. Constant ditchers annoy me so I wouldn't go out of my way, <strong>unless she just went through something traumatizing, like watching her kid die or something.</strong>
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

You don't have to go through something traumatizing to have crippling depression.

J&K10910 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:d96662ff-9e8b-4b22-865d-fdeb87c060fc">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]IDK, I am very depressed right now but I don't flake out on my friends. I think if you tell someone you are going to do something, you should!
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

Everyone's symptoms are different, and everyone deals with them differently though.

LP11509 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:b84bc31e-6170-43d1-9da2-21c75a4b5654">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]The fact that she owns it and is forthcoming about her reason for not coming ("my depression is not good today" vs. some fabricated excuse, like "my mom's car broke down and I need to go pick her up") is a good sign. At least she's recognizing that it's affecting her social behavior. I might call her once she texts you later, and tell her that while you want to keep your plans for tonight and are sad that she's not in the right place to be able to do it (word it better than that, I'm speaking sort of clinically... which is ugly), that you would love to spend some low-key time with her soon, and follow through on that.
Posted by MandK9[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this. Keep your plans, but maybe offer to hang out with her and order in dinner/cook together and watch movies sometime this weekend if you have time. </div>

J&K10910 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:d4049004-1de0-49b2-b12b-de71c5b886df">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice ladies, I didn't know if suggesting something low key like that would be ok or if she'd be like "Ugh why won't this girl just leave me ALONE!" Ricks come on over, it'll be lots of fun! And as far as what happened to her, just some bad stuff that I wouldn't wish on anyone. If she doesn't text later, would you leave her alone for tonight?
Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]

If she doesn't text you later, I'd probably let it go for tonight, and give her a call tomorrow. I don't know if that's the right move with your friend, but it's what I would choose.

MandK9 · February 2012

I'd probably check back with her about an hour before you'd need to leave to make sure.

While ditchers usually irritate me too, it's a different story when I know they're struggling with some serious stuff. I always want people to take care of themselves more than worry about taking care of me and my feelings.

The balance is to not act like it's absolutely no big deal and that you're ambivalent about her coming, because that doesn't send the right message. You absolutely should express disappointment, just not anger or sadness, if that makes sense.

LP11509 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:d4049004-1de0-49b2-b12b-de71c5b886df">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice ladies, I didn't know if suggesting something low key like that would be ok or if she'd be like "Ugh why won't this girl just leave me ALONE!" Ricks come on over, it'll be lots of fun! And as far as what happened to her, just some bad stuff that I wouldn't wish on anyone.<strong> If she doesn't text later, would you leave her alone for tonight?</strong>
Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]

<div>I would shoot her a text later on if you don't hear from her, just saying that you hope she's feeling better and offering to hang out like I mentioned in my other post/PPs have mentioned. </div>

jennamarie10 · February 2012

I probably wouldn't bug her anymore if she doesn't text at all. You are a good friend!

this is a horrible thread to threadjack in, but J&K, I just realized where your sig pic was taken and I'm totally getting my wedding pics taken there! I am praying for good weather.

/end threadjack.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:2dd324d2-26ab-426b-91c4-a9a726cc7fb7">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice? : You don't have to go through something traumatizing to have crippling depression.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

I know. I meant more if like this was a sudden thing that she was constantly ditching to a recent traumatic event or depression. But if she was a flake before that event, I'd be less forgiving. Some people are just flakes and I see no reason to rearrange your schedule for them.

But if the cancelling is a result of something recent, then I'd probably sugggest therapy if she's having trouble getting over it.

MandK9 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:d96662ff-9e8b-4b22-865d-fdeb87c060fc">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]IDK, I am very depressed right now but I don't flake out on my friends. I think if you tell someone you are going to do something, you should!
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

That's a really strong and admirable quality that you have. Some people don't have the capacity to foster their relationships because they're overcome by their internalized anguish, and it often does lead to those relationships dissolving, which makes things worse. It's rough.

ricksang · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:800807b2-b78b-4216-a853-d372a522cad6">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice? : Everyone's symptoms are different, and everyone deals with them differently though.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
Yeah I know taht but I just think it's shitty to do this ALL the time. If you are deprssed fine, but don't constantly make plans with people and then back out. I am not saying she should dump her friend or anything but she should be cautious about depending on this friend as a person to go out and do stuff with.

J&K10910 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:8c6b30ab-25d3-4fb3-b79b-c5ccc4eb04f9">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I probably wouldn't bug her anymore if she doesn't text at all. You are a good friend! this is a horrible thread to threadjack in, but J&K, I just realized where your sig pic was taken and I'm totally getting my wedding pics taken there! I am praying for good weather. /end threadjack.
Posted by jennamarie10[/QUOTE]

Our weather was perfect, I'll send my good weather vibes your way. We have some really fun pictures there and downtown too. It's a fantastic city for photos!

Sesh, I still disagree with you. I also don't think things need to be recent. But I'm completely biased on several levels, as well, so there's that.

ricksang · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:1ec6071c-1bfd-4e2a-b06c-2832e1ab6275">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice? : Our weather was perfect, I'll send my good weather vibes your way. We have some really fun pictures there and downtown too. It's a fantastic city for photos! Sesh, I still disagree with you. I also don't think things need to be recent. But I'm completely biased on several levels, as well, so there's that.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
Heh, yes you are but that's okay, I am too when it comes to nutrition related sh!t. You are forgiven.

cheeseandrice · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:d96662ff-9e8b-4b22-865d-fdeb87c060fc">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]IDK, I am very depressed right now but I don't flake out on my friends. I think if you tell someone you are going to do something, you should!
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

<div>:( This makes me sad. Ricks, you know people are different.</div><div>
</div><div>H has struggled with depression off and on for awhile (since before I knew him, but he's only been open with me about for a few years.)</div><div>
</div><div>He HATES having to explain to people why he just 'doesn't want' to do something. So he'll usually say sure or maybe, and then just flake later. It sucks, and it's not fair to his friends. But he just can't deal with explaining WHY to people. He's been pretty honest with his friends recently, so they understand it now, but I know it was hard before. (Hell, it pissed me off too! Until I understood what was going on.)</div><div>
</div><div>Like PPs said, Nicole, I think it's a good thing she's being honest. I wouldn't give up on her, but be understanding if she does skip out on you. I'd maybe just shoot her a text later before you leave saying "hey! i didn't hear from you, so I'm guessing you'd rather not come out tonight. I understand. I do miss you though, so let me know if I can stop by and say hi later this week!" That way she knows you still care, but she wont' feel pressured to go out and do something that she's not comfortable with.</div>

NicoleSahara · February 2012

Yeah ricks I know what you mean, I told H when he asked if I was going with her "for sure" that it was never for sure with her, but I did get my hopes up a little this time, I needed this girl time probably more than she did. I feel like I'm always the good friend, the strong one, but sometimes I need someone too. And I can tell that to a bunch of people on internet, but not to my friends!

J&K10910 · February 2012

FWIW, I'm not saying it doesn't suck when a friend bails, regardless of the reason. Because it does. It completely sucks when a friend bails, even with a really excellent reason.

I just think this situation calls to be handled a little bit differently than someone bailing for an unspecified reason...or for someone else, or something else like that.

MandK9 · February 2012

Steph's verbiage for what to send to her later is absolutely perfect.

You're a great friend, Nicole-- people forget that it's hard on the friends and family of depressed people too. Lots of respect for you.

J&K10910 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:c0231874-f4ac-4a03-bb06-e902ca3c328e">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Nicole - If she doesn't text, I would maybe wait until tomorrow and say something like "Missed you last night! Maybe we can do dinner soon?" so you know you're thinking of her. J&K - I totally agree. <strong>And then you feel bad because you know you're bailing and it repeats the whole vicious cycle. Sucks</strong>.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

YES. And you KNOW that people think you suck, but you don't feel like you can explain it to them, and even if you did, they might not understand. Or worse, they'll tell you to "just cheer up and have some fun!" or something.

Confession: I ended a friendship with someone who told me to "stop being such a downer and have some fun, then you won't be depressed anymore!" when I finally got the balls to explain to her why I didn't want to hang out very often anymore.

EDIT: This is not feel sorry for J time. This is me trying to explain that depressed people aren't flaking because they're assholes, and they know that it sucks, and it's hard to explain it to people.

jennamarie10 · February 2012

This thread makes me think of a guy friend my FI has that does this all the time. Will tell us, "I'll be over at 2" then just doesn't show up, and later says "I fell asleep, sorry" We got the I fell asleep excuse 3 times over a one month period. We make fun of him a little because you KNOW he will flake out, but now I'm wondering if Zach should just say "Hey man can I come over sometime to hang out?" so he can actually figure out what's going on!

cheeseandrice · February 2012

That's sad, J. I admit, it was (and still is) hard for me to really understand what H is going through. But, I can recognize it's more than "just smile!"

jennamarie10 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:34d6c4f7-4bd6-41ed-bc7b-89bbb8a7e200">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice? : YES. And you KNOW that people think you suck, but you don't feel like you can explain it to them, and even if you did, they might not understand. Or worse, they'll tell you to "just cheer up and have some fun!" or something. Confession: <strong> I ended a friendship with someone who told me to "stop being such a downer and have some fun, then you won't be depressed anymore!"</strong> when I finally got the balls to explain to her why I didn't want to hang out very often anymore. EDIT: This is not feel sorry for J time. This is me trying to explain that depressed people aren't flaking because they're assholes, and they know that it sucks, and it's hard to explain it to people.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Blah, I hate that too. Or when my FI will say, "just come out and have a few beers, you need to get out of the house!!" No, I don't, thank you very much, I need to cuddle with my puppy and watch TV!

J&K10910 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_tricky-friend-situation-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:9d0e7fa5-0db9-4d3e-b948-834fb957d9dfPost:977447f0-83a3-498b-b77c-da708f69843f">Re: Tricky Friend Situation, Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]That's sad, J. I admit, it was (and still is) hard for me to really understand what H is going through. But, I can recognize it's more than "just smile!"
Posted by Steph+J[/QUOTE]

It is. It's super hard. I was just telling someone else that I'm having a really hard time dealing with some friends who recently had a tragedy in their lives and aren't doing well with it. Understanding depression, experiencing depression, and being in the mental health field still don't make it easy to deal with a friend's mental health/personal tragedies.

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