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Wedding Etiquette Forum
ellamber
member
Thank you notes and a question
So we had an engagement party over the weekend, hosted by FFIL. I just want to clarify that people who brought gifts receive thank you notes? Or do all party attendees receive a note for attending?
We also had two people come up and say "The card/gift/whatever is in the mail." Should I wait til I receive it (if I do) to send a note?
Here's my question not regarding thank you notes:
FI and I live in a state different from his family. His ENTIRE family (both sides) live in or around the same state. My family is spread throughout the US. We are planning on having our wedding nearest to our current location, which means both of our families will end up traveling. We had several people tell us that "If you don't have a wedding (near FI family) no one will go," and more than once. I find this to be pretty rude. My response has been, "We hope everyone can make it but if not, they will be missed."
I know that this is a fine enough response, but is there anything I can say that will get that comment to stop? I tend to get frustrated when people repeatedly tell me the same thing over and over again and try to bully me into changing my decisions (without good reason), so I'd like a response that will stop that comment, rather than eventually getting frustrated and saying something that might be snarky or sarcastic.
We also had two people come up and say "The card/gift/whatever is in the mail." Should I wait til I receive it (if I do) to send a note?
Here's my question not regarding thank you notes:
FI and I live in a state different from his family. His ENTIRE family (both sides) live in or around the same state. My family is spread throughout the US. We are planning on having our wedding nearest to our current location, which means both of our families will end up traveling. We had several people tell us that "If you don't have a wedding (near FI family) no one will go," and more than once. I find this to be pretty rude. My response has been, "We hope everyone can make it but if not, they will be missed."
I know that this is a fine enough response, but is there anything I can say that will get that comment to stop? I tend to get frustrated when people repeatedly tell me the same thing over and over again and try to bully me into changing my decisions (without good reason), so I'd like a response that will stop that comment, rather than eventually getting frustrated and saying something that might be snarky or sarcastic.
Re: Thank you notes and a question
Send cards to those who gave gifts. Wait till gifts are recieved to send cards.
There's really nothing you can say to stop the comment. Not everyone will be happy, and some people are just louder about that than others. I had a DW, so I heard this comment a lot. You are handling it beautifully, and the best you can do is to continue to do so.
Send TY cards as you get the gifts, so those in the mail don't get sent out until you receive the gift. But for the gifts received at the party, send those out ASAP.
As for the family telling you where to have the wedding. You will just need to tune them out. Your response was perfect too. I know you say you get frustrated about hear the same thing over and over again, but its just something you need to smile about to the person and complain to your FI when they are gone.
As long as you plan an etiquette approved wedding, it doesn't matter where you have it. You could have it close to FI's family and people still won't be able to attend. So focus on hosting the guests who do attend properly. That's all you can really do.
If you and fi are paying for your own wedding, you don't have to justify the location to anyone. No matter which location you choose, it won't be local to everyone, right? Your loved ones know that. Your answer is perfect. You might add that your decision is final and you won't discuss it again. If it comes up, change the subject.
I think your answer to the location comment is spot on. If someone pushes it, tell them, "We're aware of that and determined that this location is the one that works for us. That said, we are not open to any further discussion of the shortcomings of our choice of location."
I'll order my thank yous today, so they can go out by the end of the week. I think that is pretty quick turn around time.
We are definitely doing STDs. It was FBIL and a cousin of FI. FFIL is totally fine to travel to wherever we have it. FMIL is questionable. I don't mind if people don't go for whatever reason, but it upsets FI and that makes me upset, but there's only so much we can do. I'll just continue about with my PC answer and smile and change the subject
There's no way you can please everyone. But also understand that not everyone will attend either.
It's almost like its an ultimatum, and that's why it annoys me.
Guess who ended up at my wedding, even though "no one" was there? Not to say they'll always cave, but you gotta brush it off because otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy worrying about everyone else.
I am having my wedding in my hometown and my FI's entire family lives out of state and has no ties whatsoever to my home state. I was always very set on having the wedding in my hometown so it was a non-negotiable for me. In the beginning, future IL's were saying that only people on FI's side to come would be his parents. We are now getting closer, and his grandparents and several aunts/uncles/cousins are confirmed guests. I sent my STD's out 9 months in advance and sent them to EVERYONE on the guest list (even though I had been told FI's grandparents were definitely not coming). Low and behold, it now looks as though we're going to have a good crowd from his side. I also included an insert card in the STD's with hotel block/closest airport information. I plan on sending the invites out 9 weeks in advance and I anticipate that we will have a great turnout!
Whoops that was a typo, I am actually planning on sending the invites out 9 weeks in advance. Going to edit that. I have the RSVP deadline at 2.5 weeks.
If the reception is a thank you to guests, then surely the location of the venue is important. Yes people have to travel, in terms of leaving their homes but distance and cost can vary!
I'm not sure why TK would only consider comfort once the guests have arrived at the party. It's so inconsistent. I have booked a venue which is within 30 minutes of the vast majority of guests and within the same city as almost every guest. Unfortunately, the closest ceremony place only holds maximum 80 people, but both locations are close to each other and family/friends.
I've been criticised for having a 80 person (family only) wedding ceremony and inviting the 200+ people to the lunch and reception. How is that fair? Despite the views of anonymous TK writers, I'm definitely doing that. I could simply say my wedding invite is not a summons and those who don't like the slightly tiered nature of it don't have to come.
Etiquette rules are not being applied consistently. This shows that brides should be a little wary of relying to heavily on views expressed on TK because it seems if everyone agrees with the 'speshul snowflake' behaviour it is ok.
I am in the UK btw and I require a venue with specific requirements (due to culture) that can't be met everywhere and even I thought about the distance guests have to travel.
Couples who are planning and and paying for a wedding can choose the location of their event. I do think checking with VIPs on the location is important and factoring in that in to the decision is wise. But unless every single guest lives in the say town/city any location will be inconvenient to someone. I do believe in minimizing that as much as possible. My H and I lived about 900 miles from the majority of our friends and family when we were married. We could have planed an event where we lived (would have. Even 1000x easier for us), but we didn't because we didn't want to ask that many people to travel. But it wouldn't have been against etiquette or inherently rude had we done so (although I would have understood any side eye from our friends and family).
There is no universally good location if you have guests that live in different cities/states/countries.
This is substantially different than what you are planning (as you have heard time after time on everything thread you turn in to a discussion about your tiered wedding). Inviting guests to only one half of the event is rude because you're essentially saying to them "you're not good enough/close enough/important enough to come to the entire event". That's hurtful to guests. There's having an event that might require travel (inconvenient) and intentionally doing something that will hurt your friends/family (rude).
It doesn't sound like OP is trying to minimise anything. More of a 'it's my day, I do what I like. If you can't come, whatever' approach which I can't believe TK agrees with.
Honestly it would have been rude to do your wedding 900 miles from guests, so a side eye would be deserved. There may not be a universally good location, but OP said that FI family live in roughly the same location/state. So there are less rude solutions.
Considering the thousands, (if not millions) of threads on TK, I've commented on.....maybe 4/5. If I am breaching some rules then I'll be kicked off. If I'm not, then I'll comment on whatever the hell I want. Which everyone does on this site.
People frequently comment on topics that are not relevant to the OP. Not saying that I'm doing that, but I've seen many threads with something like, 'How to do a honeyfund right,' where they asking for tips on HOW TO DO A HONEYFUND, not whether it is rude, yet everyone on TK will comment on how rude they are. This happens all the time! lol People will comment of the 'rudeness' of a particular action regardless of whether the OP is asking about it. I'm doing the same thing. Hosting a wedding that far from guests can be side eye worthy, if other options are available. So if hardcore knotties can do it, so can everyone else. Equality of this site, means hearing views you may not agree with.
TK posters will then say something like, 'this is a public forum.....blah blah blah.......expect comments.' So the same goes for me and any other commenter who doesn't toe the party line or you don't like.
Knottie8f6a5db42e0a0a3d said: I've been criticised for having a 80 person (family only) wedding ceremony and inviting the 200+ people to the lunch and reception. How is that fair? Despite the views of anonymous TK writers, I'm definitely doing that. I could simply say my wedding invite is not a summons and those who don't like the slightly tiered nature of it don't have to come.
Your logic only applies if the disrespected guests only being invited to your reception are AWARE that they are being treated as lesser guests. Your current plan is not SLIGHTLY rude; it is completely and utterly rude. The criticism toward your plan is justified.
You won't get kicked off TK for deliberately and knowingly treating your friends and family rudely. You may lose some relationships, however. But it sounds as if your vision is more valuable than those relationships. You are not the first bride to be unable to look past herself, and you sadly, won't be the last.
Regarding your HoneyFund example, it is appropriate to answer that it is impossible to do a HoneyFund right, because the concept is rude. There is no right way to do rude. The best way to "do" a HoneyFund is to not do it.
OP has family in City A, City B and lives in City C. She's hosting a wedding in one of those cities. That's not rude. Some people believe DW's are rude, but the general consensus is if you give all of the guests the correct information and make arrangements that keep their comfort in mind, you're not being rude.
Your plans are rude because you are intentionally misleading half of your guest list in believing they are attending your wedding only to show up to a party already in action. You're trying to compare apples and oranges because despite hating this place so much you're hellbent on proving your point. If you're really okay with your plans so far, why do you care so much about what we say?
OP- my wedding is 8 days before Christmas (ETA and we have invited family and friends from 13 other states). People told me that people wouldn't come as a result, we were okay with that. We are now waiting on only 8 RSVP's and have 85% yeses with only 3 no's being Christmas related. Hopefully, they'll get tired of beating that horse and drop it.
DWs are rude, if you are inviting a bunch of people! If its just you, partner, mum, dad - that's not so bad. Expecting people to take time of work, potentially pay for holidays they weren't planning for, and face additional travel expenses is rude. Do you really think you special snowflake wedding should require people to do all that? Attending a wedding isn't some honoured privilege and destination wedding put a lot of additional costs onto guests.
I don't believe in passing wedding costs onto guests, but obviously you do.
I don't care what you say in terms of changing my plans. I've decided and paid deposits, so our (my partner's and my plan) is decided. I don't make life decisions based on anonymous people on the internet! I can still be interested in what other says.
I also didn't hijack the post - merely pointing out hypocrisy in the unequal way etiquette rules are applied. If you don't like me being here, tough. Either report me for violating some rule or grudgingly accept my presence. Freedom of speech means others get to talk, (regardless of what certain less enlightened countries think about what is appropriate speech or protest).
And when talking about local weddings, Knotties WILL tell posters to consider location and guest comfort. Most Knotties will say they would prefer a wedding venue location that is 30 mins or less, and prefer a ceremony and reception at the same location. Knotties will say do not prioritize your pretty ceremony space over your guests comfort by making them drive in different directions, or drive for a length of time between ceremony and reception. Not sure why you're hell bent on claiming the opposite.
OP has guests in MANY different cities- there is NOT one convenient location. OP should discuss with their VIPs and decide what works best for B&G and their guests. If OP picked any city, SOMEONE would have to travel. Keeping the wedding in their current location makes it equal that everyone has to travel. Pray tell, what would you advise OP to do that makes everything easy and wholly etiquette approved?
There is always travel involved- even with your wedding in the city. Unless you are going to personally hire a car to pick up each and every one of your guests, there is a travel cost associated.
2) No, no one on here believes in passing on the costs of a wedding to guests. That something Knotties are very much against. Hence Honeyfunds and cash bars are so vehemently struck down. If the venue requires a parking cost, the hosts should be paying it.
Look, anyone is free to host any sort of event they like, when and where they like. The key is that from the start of the event to the end of the event all guests are well and equally hosted. Everyone thinks it's is great you are considering location. However, you are still violating etiquette by taking one event and splitting it into two- you are not treating all of your guests equally. But if you remember, you were given an option that allows you to follow etiquette AND keep the location for your guests- have your ceremony and reception at the same venue! You just don't want to accept that.
My FI and I don't want to have it in the same place. The ceremony is in a prettier place and will be a better experience/better pictures. We've paid the deposits now and while the reception venue is nice on the inside, it's not that great on the outside. So our families thought a separate place would be nicer. You may find it against your standards of etiquette, but in our social group/country it's not. Like I said, most white british people do fully tiered receptions where they only feed a smalll amount, so I don't think what I'm doing will be an issue, especially considering I'm feeding hundreds of people.
Regardles of what some UK knotties say, fully tiered receptions are the norm. A small amount at wedding and lunch, followed by a bunch in the evening. FI's friends and family (he is white), find it strange we aren't doing that.
Whether people like it or not, evening guests, and cash bars are normal in the UK. I'm not doing either but I accept that some countries have different etiquette rules. In my culture, evening guests (that don't attend the lunch) are rude.
I think its more rude in the USA. We don't do things like bridal showers either.
Etiquette isn't universal. It's regional
And most etiquette rules are universal. Traditions are regional. Don't confuse the two.
I know the TK is directed towards a western audience, so its fine that the etiquette is western-orientated, but you said 'most etiquette rules are universal.' Maybe get a passport and visit another country. Wedding traditions vary widely across different countries, as do social rules. English and america have different values, social norms, etiquette rules. There is some crossover, but they are not carbon-copies.
It looks like you are pretending that white western (americans) norms amount to 'etiquette' but anything else is 'tradition.' That's demeaning to the vast majority of the world's population.