RSVP card wording etiquette

Knottied19db65361f18c2c · December 2016

I would like an opinion. For our reception we are having an Italian buffet which is $40 per person and way more that a child of 11 and under could eat. For this reason we are opting to provide children 11 and under a kids meal of which they will have three options to choose from as those will be $18 per kid. The kids plated meals will be served right upon seating so that they do not have to wait long. I would like to indicated on my RSVP cards politely that for children 11 and under a kids meal will be what is being provided. Of course if they want to nibble off their parents plate and or their parents go up for seconds to share a bit with the kids that is fine as well.

On my reception RSVP card under dinner selection I was thinking of putting the following verbiage:

Dinner Selection (children 11 and under will be served a special plated meal)

#______ Adults

#______ Children 11 and under (select from options below)
#______ Option 1
#______ Option 2
#______ Option 3

+Indicate any special dietary restrictions or allergies________________

Does this provide clear expectations for any parents bringing children 11 and under that their children will be given special attention to make sure they have good food right away but that the adult buffet is for the adults only without being rude?

MesmrEwe · December 2016

Choose a cheaper buffet option than $40/pp and the problem is solved...

Really OP - this comes across as a bit rude. I say a bit because I'm looking at the situation from an in the trenches with kids that age perspective "If I were to get an invitation like this..." My DH would probably like one of the kids' meal options instead of the buffet because he's not a "sauce" kind of guy. OTOH, dietary restrictions might make one of those kid meal options more functional to some of your guests. Those are the challenges you're presenting here.

___ Italian Buffet (Sell the sizzle not the steak)
___ (kids) Meal A
___ (kids) Meal B
___ (kids) Meal C

lovesclimbing · December 2016

First, I don't think having kids served separately is a good idea. Depending on the age of the child, many parents won't want to leave their kids eating while they go get a plate. They want to be able to wipe a blob before it falls on their outfit, shove the plate further up on the table as it works its way toward the edge, tell them to slow down and chew with their mouth closed, etc. So you'll probably have parents eating significantly later than everyone else and potentially altering your schedule for dances, cake cutting, toasts, etc. because they're still eating.

Is there any way to ask the venue to just reduce the price for kids at the buffet? I think that would be a lot easier. Additionally, not all kids eat less than adults. I know and have known plenty of young boys who eat more than I do!

charlotte989875 · December 2016

AddieCake said:

STARMOON44 said:

charlotte989875 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think this whole plan is rude! What child wants to be stuck with a boring plate of food instead of the fun of a buffet where they get to select whatever they would most enjoy? You're just being cheap and it's not okay.

I disagree that it's rude; she's providing options for children. As long as the children aren't forced to eat that and they'd be allowed a buffet meal if that's what they'd prefer I don't see how giving more options is rude.

Except she doesn't want them to have the option, she wants a way to convey that they get a kids meal, the buffet is not an option.

Exactly. @charlotte989875 , she is looking to make sure that her wording conveys that the kids are not welcome to the buffet and that it's adults only b/c it's $40 a person.

Fair enough I may not have it read it that closely. I guess I don't see the problem with offering a children's meal, but also providing the buffet if that's what they prefer. I do think making it expressly clear children aren't welcome to the buffet would be rude.

I agree with someone above in asking if there is a reduced price option for children's buffet.

AddieCake · December 2016

I think so, but I also think you should never force anyone to order from the kids menu because some kids like "adult" food just fine.

ernursej · December 2016

Agree with @AddieCake. Allow kids to participate in the adult's meal as one of the choices they get. I know a lot of kids that would love the process of picking and choosing the items they would like from the buffet. There are a ton of adults that won't eat their full $40.00 worth of food.

STARMOON44 · December 2016

I think this whole plan is rude! What child wants to be stuck with a boring plate of food instead of the fun of a buffet where they get to select whatever they would most enjoy? You're just being cheap and it's not okay.

charlotte989875 · December 2016

STARMOON44 said:

I think this whole plan is rude! What child wants to be stuck with a boring plate of food instead of the fun of a buffet where they get to select whatever they would most enjoy? You're just being cheap and it's not okay.

I disagree that it's rude; she's providing options for children. As long as the children aren't forced to eat that and they'd be allowed a buffet meal if that's what they'd prefer I don't see how giving more options is rude.

STARMOON44 · December 2016

charlotte989875 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think this whole plan is rude! What child wants to be stuck with a boring plate of food instead of the fun of a buffet where they get to select whatever they would most enjoy? You're just being cheap and it's not okay.

I disagree that it's rude; she's providing options for children. As long as the children aren't forced to eat that and they'd be allowed a buffet meal if that's what they'd prefer I don't see how giving more options is rude.

Except she doesn't want them to have the option, she wants a way to convey that they get a kids meal, the buffet is not an option.

AddieCake · December 2016

ernursej said:

Agree with @AddieCake. Allow kids to participate in the adult's meal as one of the choices they get. I know a lot of kids that would love the process of picking and choosing the items they would like from the buffet. There are a ton of adults that won't eat their full $40.00 worth of food.

Me included. I'm a very picky eater, so odds are I wouldn't like everything there is to choose from. I didn't like a single appetizer at my own wedding, even. We chose them b/c we knew they were things the majority of people seem to like, though.

AddieCake · December 2016

STARMOON44 said:

charlotte989875 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think this whole plan is rude! What child wants to be stuck with a boring plate of food instead of the fun of a buffet where they get to select whatever they would most enjoy? You're just being cheap and it's not okay.

I disagree that it's rude; she's providing options for children. As long as the children aren't forced to eat that and they'd be allowed a buffet meal if that's what they'd prefer I don't see how giving more options is rude.

Except she doesn't want them to have the option, she wants a way to convey that they get a kids meal, the buffet is not an option.

Exactly. @charlotte989875 , she is looking to make sure that her wording conveys that the kids are not welcome to the buffet and that it's adults only b/c it's $40 a person.

SP29 · December 2016

I think giving options for a kids meal is nice, but I agree that you should not expressly limit kids from the buffet.

TBH, the buffet and prices sounds weird to me. IME, a buffet is a buffet- you pay a price per person and with a buffet having so many options, everyone ideally has SOMETHING they like and can take as much or as little as they want. I can't say I've seen a kids meal offered when there is a buffet (usually it is when there are plated meals). I can understand why you'd like to pay a lesser cost for a kids meal vs. an adult, but I'm surprised your venue offers separate kids meals and doesn't just charge less per kid- how does your venue know parents aren't going to pile their plate up high and then given a portion to their children?

I think the best option on your RSVP is to let your guests know that 3 kids meal options are available. Something like:

Dinner Selections- an Italian Buffet will be served. Children 11 and under have the option to choose from 3 plated meal choices.

______ # of Adults
______ Kids Meal A
______ Kids Meal B
______ Kids Meal C

Knottied19db65361f18c2c · December 2016

Thank you to all those that truly helped us with our dilemma! As this is our first wedding and we are doing this on our own. My groom and I do not have the benefit of parents to help with cost as mine are deceased and his are not in the picture. I did not intent to say the children "are not welcome" just that we would prefer that the children coming (about 11 of the 25 will be between the ages of 2-6) to chose one of the more kid friendly options. We had planned on calling their parents personally to explain this and that if the parent could absolutely take extra and share with their little ones. The place uses strictly headcount of dinners to account for cost. This would then open up money in our budget for the kid activity pacts we were planning to purchase for each of the 11 to have at their dinner spots to help keep them entertained and as a thank you for sharing our special day. The other guests and children 11 and older will be getting other types of thank you favors from us.

I was hoping for thoughts and possible options I could create that would be appealing and not confusing, as well as other avenues I had not thought of. I didn't realize maybe I should push back on my venue to see if they can grant me the option of discounted buffet pricing for the kids. The $40 for buffet is the true price as there is going to be 3 appetizers, 3 main courses, 3 sides, 2 desserts, in addition to the cake. It's about staying within my budget and being fiscally responsible, not cheap. I was honestly looking for suggestions and others perspectives not to be personally berated and/or made to feel shamed (STARMOON44 and AddieCake).

Thank you SP29 for the other wording layout. I do like that format much better and will be using on my RSVP, much appreciated! Also thank you to those who have children for providing your perspective as a guest bringing their child. We don't have children so it absolutely helps to have this info. We are for sure going to find a way to get those kids activity packs to keep the little ones entertained and give the parents a breather too!

Thank you all!

lc07 · December 2016

I would re-think this plan like others have suggested and see if the venue is willing to give you a lesser rate on children at the buffet. Or come up with another solution that allows kids to go through the buffet as an option. I was in 6th grade when I was 11 and to be given a kids plate like the 5 year olds would have been very embarrassing to me. That would be compounded if my 12 year old cousin was going through the buffet. I would have liked to be treated like the adult guests.

I'd also suggest leaving kid activity packs at an empty table for parents to pick up for their kids instead of having them placed in seats in front of 11 year olds. Again, that would have felt embarrassing.

STARMOON44 · December 2016

Knottied19db65361f18c2c said:

Thank you to all those that truly helped us with our dilemma! As this is our first wedding and we are doing this on our own. My groom and I do not have the benefit of parents to help with cost as mine are deceased and his are not in the picture. I did not intent to say the children "are not welcome" just that we would prefer that the children coming (about 11 of the 25 will be between the ages of 2-6) to chose one of the more kid friendly options. We had planned on calling their parents personally to explain this and that if the parent could absolutely take extra and share with their little ones. The place uses strictly headcount of dinners to account for cost. This would then open up money in our budget for the kid activity pacts we were planning to purchase for each of the 11 to have at their dinner spots to help keep them entertained and as a thank you for sharing our special day. The other guests and children 11 and older will be getting other types of thank you favors from us.

I was hoping for thoughts and possible options I could create that would be appealing and not confusing, as well as other avenues I had not thought of. I didn't realize maybe I should push back on my venue to see if they can grant me the option of discounted buffet pricing for the kids. The $40 for buffet is the true price as there is going to be 3 appetizers, 3 main courses, 3 sides, 2 desserts, in addition to the cake. It's about staying within my budget and being fiscally responsible, not cheap. I was honestly looking for suggestions and others perspectives not to be personally berated and/or made to feel shamed (STARMOON44 and AddieCake).

Thank you SP29 for the other wording layout. I do like that format much better and will be using on my RSVP, much appreciated! Also thank you to those who have children for providing your perspective as a guest bringing their child. We don't have children so it absolutely helps to have this info. We are for sure going to find a way to get those kids activity packs to keep the little ones entertained and give the parents a breather too!

Thank you all!

I think you'd be better off skipping the activity packs and allowing kids to select the buffet as an option if they want it. Has nothing to do at all with this being your first wedding or paying for it yourself. Everyone has a budget.

SP29 · December 2016

Knottied19db65361f18c2c said:

I was hoping for thoughts and possible options I could create that would be appealing and not confusing, as well as other avenues I had not thought of. I didn't realize maybe I should push back on my venue to see if they can grant me the option of discounted buffet pricing for the kids. The $40 for buffet is the true price as there is going to be 3 appetizers, 3 main courses, 3 sides, 2 desserts, in addition to the cake. It's about staying within my budget and being fiscally responsible, not cheap. I was honestly looking for suggestions and others perspectives not to be personally berated and/or made to feel shamed (STARMOON44 and AddieCake).

I think this is something you could at least ask. "Hey Venue, instead of kids meals, do you offer a kids price for the buffet? What if a child/parent prefers the buffet?".

We only had a few kids, and they did all order a kids meal, but they were 2-8 years old. I do agree that as an 11 year old, I would have wanted the adult food, and I would have wanted to be like my cousin who is 2 years older.

Activity packs are nice, but not necessary. I agree that if they are your budget hold up- don't do them. Your priorities need to be hosting your guests appropriately and equally. Extras are nice but not necessary- if you are cutting from your "appropriate and equal" budget (i.e. the meal) to do these extras, then don't do them.

AddieCake · December 2016

Listen. Not everyone is going to agree with your plans. That's life. To claim you were berated and made to feel ashamed b/c a couple of us think it's a bad idea to prevent kids from having your $40 buffet plate is a stretch. Are you going to feel berated and ashamed every time a person in life disagrees with your ideas? I certainly hope not.

Knottied19db65361f18c2c · December 2016

I understand that not everyone will agree with my plans. It's how some stated "You're just being cheap" that wasn't helpful. It is what it is..

I appreciate those who provided alternate options, and shared their perspectives on my brainstorming wedding plans! I like the activity table idea too! Perhaps I will just have the kids directed to the table and have them choose if they would like one for themselves.

Thank you!

ei34 · December 2016

Knottied19db65361f18c2c said:

I understand that not everyone will agree with my plans. It's how some stated "You're just being cheap" that wasn't helpful. It is what it is..

I appreciate those who provided alternate options, and shared their perspectives on my brainstorming wedding plans! I like the activity table idea too! Perhaps I will just have the kids directed to the table and have them choose if they would like one for themselves.

Thank you!

The kids packs/ kids activity table shouldn't even be a stress (on you emotionally or on your budget). A few packs of crayons and some paper borrowed stolen from your copy machine at work will suffice...I throw my phone at my oldest when she's getting antsy, lots of parents come prepared. PP have just tried to point out that a meal is more important than the extras (no matter the guests' age).

kaos16 · December 2016

Knottied19db65361f18c2c said:

Thank you to all those that truly helped us with our dilemma! As this is our first wedding and we are doing this on our own. My groom and I do not have the benefit of parents to help with cost as mine are deceased and his are not in the picture. I did not intent to say the children "are not welcome" just that we would prefer that the children coming (about 11 of the 25 will be between the ages of 2-6) to chose one of the more kid friendly options. We had planned on calling their parents personally to explain this and that if the parent could absolutely take extra and share with their little ones. The place uses strictly headcount of dinners to account for cost. This would then open up money in our budget for the kid activity pacts we were planning to purchase for each of the 11 to have at their dinner spots to help keep them entertained and as a thank you for sharing our special day. The other guests and children 11 and older will be getting other types of thank you favors from us.

I was hoping for thoughts and possible options I could create that would be appealing and not confusing, as well as other avenues I had not thought of. I didn't realize maybe I should push back on my venue to see if they can grant me the option of discounted buffet pricing for the kids. The $40 for buffet is the true price as there is going to be 3 appetizers, 3 main courses, 3 sides, 2 desserts, in addition to the cake. It's about staying within my budget and being fiscally responsible, not cheap. I was honestly looking for suggestions and others perspectives not to be personally berated and/or made to feel shamed (STARMOON44 and AddieCake).

Thank you SP29 for the other wording layout. I do like that format much better and will be using on my RSVP, much appreciated! Also thank you to those who have children for providing your perspective as a guest bringing their child. We don't have children so it absolutely helps to have this info. We are for sure going to find a way to get those kids activity packs to keep the little ones entertained and give the parents a breather too!

Thank you all!

It drives me bonkers when people use this as a comeback when their ideas aren't well received. Tons of us paid for our own weddings, and I'd gather to say that many of us only have the experience of one wedding too. Why can't we just learn to accept criticism without trying to excuse why we do things?

Now, with that being said. . . . . what are these kid meal options? Are we talking chicken nuggets and fries? Not all parents want their children to eat fried foods. Some parents prefer their children to get more fruits and veggies. I'd like to know more about the meal options for the kids.

I can tell you, already at 11 months, my son would much rather eat what the grownups at the table are having then something different and separate. If adults have different plates, a lot of kids will want that over what has been plated separately for them.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2016

kaos16 said:
It drives me bonkers when people use this as a comeback when their ideas aren't well received. Tons of us paid for our own weddings, and I'd gather to say that many of us only have the experience of one wedding too. Why can't we just learn to accept criticism without trying to excuse why we do things?
Now, with that being said. . . . . what are these kid meal options? Are we talking chicken nuggets and fries? Not all parents want their children to eat fried foods. Some parents prefer their children to get more fruits and veggies. I'd like to know more about the meal options for the kids.
I can tell you, already at 11 months, my son would much rather eat what the grownups at the table are having then something different and separate. If adults have different plates, a lot of kids will want that over what has been plated separately for them.

I'd definitely prefer my 10 month old to have pasta over chicken nuggets. It doesn't matter to him if he just ate, he's going to eat what's on my plate or be pissed about it.

Knottied19db65361f18c2c · December 2016

wow! I just wanted guidance and help. I shared the first wedding/planning ourselves as away to explain our situation in response to the comment of being called cheap by one user, not as a come back or not being able to handle criticism of my idea. It was an insult that was unnecessary.

Forget it I will seek any addition answers from another form. I appreciate those that helped.

Topic closed

charlotte989875 · December 2016

Knottied19db65361f18c2c said:

wow! I just wanted guidance and help. I shared the first wedding/planning ourselves as away to explain our situation in response to the comment of being called cheap by one user, not as a come back or not being able to handle criticism of my idea. It was an insult that was unnecessary.

Forget it I will seek any addition answers from another form. I appreciate those that helped.

Topic closed

Being "cheap" actually has nothing to do with how much, or little you spend, it's about priorities. Being cheap is spending tons of cash on flowers and decor while you host a cash bar, or serve the wedding party filet while only offering guests chicken. So when people said you were being cheap earlier it's not because you have a budget or can only spend a certain amount, nearly everyone on the boards has some type of budget, but it was because you were trying to serve on tier of guests something different just so you don't have to spend the money.

Knottied19db65361f18c2c · December 2016

**Removed for TOS violation**

levioosa · December 2016

**Removed for quoted TOS violation**

Almost none of that second paragraph even made any sense and in addition shows a lack of reading comprehension on your end. Your FI responded that you are paying for the wedding yourselves as a way to excuse her idea. You are not special for paying for your own wedding. Most people here are paying for their weddings without any help, and they are able to host their guests well and within their budget (be it $3,000 or $30,000).

Oh, and to the bolded, that is against TOS, and really an overreaction to something that was not meant to be an insult. Calm down.

AddieCake · December 2016

It is so weird to me when grooms, mothers, sisters, etc log on under the bride's account to rush to defend the bride over something. And when it's over something as minor as this? Oi vey.

ETA: Here's how I picture the conversation:

Bride: Some women on The Knot who I don't even know and will probably never meet said they didn't like my idea and what I said about it. Someone even called me cheap!

Groom: They WHAT?! Oh, no. Here. I will give them a talking to, and they'll be sorry they ever messed with US!

ei34 · December 2016

**Removed for quoted TOS violation**

Some PPs gave advice, and others provided feedback. Both are useful. If some of us find the proposed plan cheap (whether or not you mean to be), there's a good chance some of your guests will find it cheap too. Internet strangers don't sugarcoat things the way your friends and family may, which is a good thing- you get the truth, and no hard feelings from loved ones.

MyNameIsNot · December 2016

AddieCake said:

It is so weird to me when grooms, mothers, sisters, etc log on under the bride's account to rush to defend the bride over something. And when it's over something as minor as this? Oi vey.

ETA: Here's how I picture the conversation:

Bride: Some women on The Knot who I don't even know and will probably never meet said they didn't like my idea and what I said about it. Someone even called me cheap!

Groom: They WHAT?! Oh, no. Here. I will give them a talking to, and they'll be sorry they ever messed with US!

This! Not that I believe for a second that this is her FI, but still.

If I said that to my H, he would laugh and tell me to grow up and get over myself. He would not log in to my account to "defend" me. Sometimes I seriously wonder how people like this are able to function in daily life.

MesmrEwe · December 2016

<pouting> I missed it!

ei34 · December 2016

*Removed for Quoting TOS VIolation*

DrillSergeantCat · December 2016

Miss Knottie#s I offered kids meals at my own wedding 3 months ago. I invited 25 children under the age of 12. Want to know how many of them wanted a kids meal instead of the steak and chicken on the buffet? 2 and they were the babies of the group.

RSVP card wording etiquette

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