Am I being too snarky?

ahoywedding · January 2017

I wasn't sure where to put this, but you all in etiquette are pretty reasonable.

FBIL is getting married some time in the spring, out of the country. No one is invited to their wedding (not even parents). They are planning an AHR and have sent out STDs for this (which has begun to confuse family apparently). I was talking to his fiance about how awkward I felt creating our registry and she said something like "oh I can't wait to create our registry and see what we'll get!" She has also taken FMIL up on her offer of a shower.

Am I wrong to be feeling a little....icky or snarky about this situation? I will fully admit I am a little extra judgy about her which is a thing I need to get over since we are going to be family. Something just seems off about not wanting anyone present at the wedding but then wanting all the "trappings" of a "typical" wedding.

geebee908 · January 2017

She's only going to confuse people more by having a shower. Looks like a total gift grab, and that seems to be the truth of the matter in this case.

Jen4948 · January 2017

geebee908 said:

She's only going to confuse people more by having a shower. Looks like a total gift grab, and that seems to be the truth of the matter in this case.

I agree.

If you invite anyone to a shower, they must also be invited to the wedding-not just an AHR. This is rude.

She's trying to have her cake and eat it too, and once the confused people realize this, they're going to be alienated. I'd be willing to bet many fewer of them, if any, show up at her shower.

charlotte989875 · January 2017

ahoywedding said:

I wasn't sure where to put this, but you all in etiquette are pretty reasonable.

FBIL is getting married some time in the spring, out of the country. No one is invited to their wedding (not even parents). They are planning an AHR and have sent out STDs for this (which has begun to confuse family apparently). I was talking to his fiance about how awkward I felt creating our registry and she said something like "oh I can't wait to create our registry and see what we'll get!" She has also taken FMIL up on her offer of a shower.

Am I wrong to be feeling a little....icky or snarky about this situation? I will fully admit I am a little extra judgy about her which is a thing I need to get over since we are going to be family. Something just seems off about not wanting anyone present at the wedding but then wanting all the "trappings" of a "typical" wedding.

Nope you are so not wrong to feel this way. Your FBIL and FSIL are making some major etiquette fails that will (as you're starting to see) make people confused and hurt their feelings. I'd be really unhappy if I was invited to a shower and not invited to the actual wedding.

Its definitely off, but really what they're doing is rude and gift-grabby (and I rarely use that phrase). They want their cake and to eat it too, which will have consequences for their relationships with friends and family.

banana468 · January 2017

Sounds like they're worthy of snark.

thefanciestbeckler · January 2017

Definitely snarkworthy IMO.

ILoveBeachMusic · January 2017

PPs have said it all!

holyguacamole79 · January 2017

Snark away!

SP29 · January 2017

Definitely snarky.

When you decide to have a private ceremony, you are having a private wedding. No AHR, no showers, no gift registry.

ahoywedding · January 2017

Ugh, thanks guys! I could kind of rationalize the registry since they are having a celebration when they get home and I guess people will want to get them gifts. Buuuuut it still seemed a little AW-y to me. I DO need to work on being less judgy, but clearly not in this situation lol.

banana468 · January 2017

ahoywedding said:

Ugh, thanks guys! I could kind of rationalize the registry since they are having a celebration when they get home and I guess people will want to get them gifts. Buuuuut it still seemed a little AW-y to me. I DO need to work on being less judgy, but clearly not in this situation lol.

Well, you can work on being less judgy but you can also feel like you're not out of line here. :-)

MairePoppy · January 2017

I'm judging the shower. Since all shower guests must be invited to the wedding, the shower is rude. I'd consider gifting the couple an etiquette book.

I don't mind belated receptions, as long as the couple is honest with the guests and not recreating a phony ceremony. They should skip the registry since gifts shouldn't be expected. I'd probably buy a gift for the couple if I attended, but I wouldn't be looking for a registry. I'm thinking monogrammed guest towels.

This couple is worthy of your snark.

KnotYetTied · January 2017

As far as etiquette goes, your FSIL is in the wrong about expecting gifts without inviting anyone to the wedding. As for the shower, your FMIL offered it, so it's more of a gray area. However, when it comes down to it, these people will be your family. Snark or not, I'd attend all events and even bring a gift (size and cost is up to you). You can be annoyed with her, but I'd rather have a good relationship with my future in-laws than have a poor one, knowing I was right about etiquette. Again, you are right though and you have the right to feel as snarky as you want about it all.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2017

Knotyettied said:

As far as etiquette goes, your FSIL is in the wrong about expecting gifts without inviting anyone to the wedding. As for the shower, your FMIL offered it, so it's more of a gray area. However, when it comes down to it, these people will be your family. Snark or not, I'd attend all events and even bring a gift (size and cost is up to you). You can be annoyed with her, but I'd rather have a good relationship with my future in-laws than have a poor one, knowing I was right about etiquette. Again, you are right though and you have the right to feel as snarky as you want about it all.

It's not a gray area at all, it's pretty black and white- shower guests must be invitedone to the wedding. SIL and her mother are being rude, and they are going to piss ppl off and hurt their feelings.

I'd decline a shower invite and just get them a gift when they get back, but it depends on how much drama you're willing to ignore.

ahoywedding · January 2017

PrettyGirlLost said:

Knotyettied said:

As far as etiquette goes, your FSIL is in the wrong about expecting gifts without inviting anyone to the wedding. As for the shower, your FMIL offered it, so it's more of a gray area. However, when it comes down to it, these people will be your family. Snark or not, I'd attend all events and even bring a gift (size and cost is up to you). You can be annoyed with her, but I'd rather have a good relationship with my future in-laws than have a poor one, knowing I was right about etiquette. Again, you are right though and you have the right to feel as snarky as you want about it all.

It's not a gray area at all, it's pretty black and white- shower guests must be invitedone to the wedding. SIL and her mother are being rude, and they are going to piss ppl off and hurt their feelings.

I'd decline a shower invite and just get them a gift when they get back, but it depends on how much drama you're willing to ignore.

I would go to the shower, but really more for FMIL than to say "yep I think a shower is the right thing to do here." We don't see this couple often so for the most part I can let a good deal of this drama roll off my back, but my FIL's are really pretty hurt they're not invited to the wedding (even after voicing their feelings) so any drama I ignore would be in an attempt to not upset them further.

SP29 · January 2017

KnotYetTied said:

As far as etiquette goes, your FSIL is in the wrong about expecting gifts without inviting anyone to the wedding. As for the shower, your FMIL offered it, so it's more of a gray area. However, when it comes down to it, these people will be your family. Snark or not, I'd attend all events and even bring a gift (size and cost is up to you). You can be annoyed with her, but I'd rather have a good relationship with my future in-laws than have a poor one, knowing I was right about etiquette. Again, you are right though and you have the right to feel as snarky as you want about it all.

The bride should have decliner the offer of a shower though (the faux pas is still on the bride here).

Personally, I agree that as long as it isn't a re-do, I don't care if a couple has an at-home celebration... I just think it's a bit silly/pointless. If you're going through a big party anyway, why not invite everyone to the wedding in the first place?

The shower is the tacky part for me.

Anyone can create a gift registry, at any time, if they want. And someone people that are close to the B&G may still choose to give a gift regardless of the type of wedding. But it's publicly sharing that gift registry that makes it a no-no.

ahoywedding · January 2017

SP29 said:

KnotYetTied said:

As far as etiquette goes, your FSIL is in the wrong about expecting gifts without inviting anyone to the wedding. As for the shower, your FMIL offered it, so it's more of a gray area. However, when it comes down to it, these people will be your family. Snark or not, I'd attend all events and even bring a gift (size and cost is up to you). You can be annoyed with her, but I'd rather have a good relationship with my future in-laws than have a poor one, knowing I was right about etiquette. Again, you are right though and you have the right to feel as snarky as you want about it all.

The bride should have decliner the offer of a shower though (the faux pas is still on the bride here).

Personally, I agree that as long as it isn't a re-do, I don't care if a couple has an at-home celebration... I just think it's a bit silly/pointless. If you're going through a big party anyway, why not invite everyone to the wedding in the first place?

The shower is the tacky part for me.

Anyone can create a gift registry, at any time, if they want. And someone people that are close to the B&G may still choose to give a gift regardless of the type of wedding. But it's publicly sharing that gift registry that makes it a no-no.

My mom initially joked about this, but since she's incredibly impossible to shop for, we took her up on it and she now has a few running registries so we can actually get her gifts she wants.

I'm not sure if they're going to publicize their registry or just tell people when they ask (she only mentioned it to me when I brought up creating ours), but I agree the shower is a little over the top. I also wouldn't even side eye the AHR since their wedding will be out of the country, but sending out save the dates seems a little bananas.

KnotYetTied · January 2017

SP29 said:

KnotYetTied said:

As far as etiquette goes, your FSIL is in the wrong about expecting gifts without inviting anyone to the wedding. As for the shower, your FMIL offered it, so it's more of a gray area. However, when it comes down to it, these people will be your family. Snark or not, I'd attend all events and even bring a gift (size and cost is up to you). You can be annoyed with her, but I'd rather have a good relationship with my future in-laws than have a poor one, knowing I was right about etiquette. Again, you are right though and you have the right to feel as snarky as you want about it all.

The bride should have decliner the offer of a shower though (the faux pas is still on the bride here).

I guess I'm going with the assumption that even if the bride had refused, the MIL would have insisted. I've seen that situation before. Sometimes people refuse to take "no" for an answer. And the MIL may really want to throw a shower. However, if that is not the case, then yes, this is quite tacky.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2017

KnotYetTied said:

SP29 said:

KnotYetTied said:

As far as etiquette goes, your FSIL is in the wrong about expecting gifts without inviting anyone to the wedding. As for the shower, your FMIL offered it, so it's more of a gray area. However, when it comes down to it, these people will be your family. Snark or not, I'd attend all events and even bring a gift (size and cost is up to you). You can be annoyed with her, but I'd rather have a good relationship with my future in-laws than have a poor one, knowing I was right about etiquette. Again, you are right though and you have the right to feel as snarky as you want about it all.

The bride should have decliner the offer of a shower though (the faux pas is still on the bride here).

I guess I'm going with the assumption that even if the bride had refused, the MIL would have insisted. I've seen that situation before. Sometimes people refuse to take "no" for an answer. And the MIL may really want to throw a shower. However, if that is not the case, then yes, this is quite tacky.

Regardless of the hows and whys the whole thing is tacky and it reflects poorly on the MIL and Bride, period, full stop.

mollybarker11 · January 2017

I see no problem at all with (honest, properly hosted) AHRs, and I guess the mere act of creating a registry isn't a big deal.

But agreeing to the shower is a huge no-no and completely snark-worthy. I'd be willing to bed the registry info will be included on the shower invitations (which is appropriate for showers, but this shower itself is not appropriate).

ahoywedding · January 2017

KnotYetTied said:

SP29 said:

KnotYetTied said:

As far as etiquette goes, your FSIL is in the wrong about expecting gifts without inviting anyone to the wedding. As for the shower, your FMIL offered it, so it's more of a gray area. However, when it comes down to it, these people will be your family. Snark or not, I'd attend all events and even bring a gift (size and cost is up to you). You can be annoyed with her, but I'd rather have a good relationship with my future in-laws than have a poor one, knowing I was right about etiquette. Again, you are right though and you have the right to feel as snarky as you want about it all.

The bride should have decliner the offer of a shower though (the faux pas is still on the bride here).

I guess I'm going with the assumption that even if the bride had refused, the MIL would have insisted. I've seen that situation before. Sometimes people refuse to take "no" for an answer. And the MIL may really want to throw a shower. However, if that is not the case, then yes, this is quite tacky.

Actually, no. FMIL offered me a shower as well and I declined (because I find them uncomfortable), and she totally dropped the subject. She did offer to host a lunch or tea with FI's female relatives since I haven't spent much time with them, which I thought was a great compromise.

banana468 · January 2017

KnotYetTied said:

SP29 said:

KnotYetTied said:

As far as etiquette goes, your FSIL is in the wrong about expecting gifts without inviting anyone to the wedding. As for the shower, your FMIL offered it, so it's more of a gray area. However, when it comes down to it, these people will be your family. Snark or not, I'd attend all events and even bring a gift (size and cost is up to you). You can be annoyed with her, but I'd rather have a good relationship with my future in-laws than have a poor one, knowing I was right about etiquette. Again, you are right though and you have the right to feel as snarky as you want about it all.

The bride should have decliner the offer of a shower though (the faux pas is still on the bride here).

I guess I'm going with the assumption that even if the bride had refused, the MIL would have insisted. I've seen that situation before. Sometimes people refuse to take "no" for an answer. And the MIL may really want to throw a shower. However, if that is not the case, then yes, this is quite tacky.

I've had conversations with relatives about how I'm not going to consent to something that I know is in poor taste. The only time I relented was when I was told that the specific guests involved were aware and still wanted to attend. It didn't make it "right" but I agreed because it was one social unit involved.

This situation isn't OK. The FMIL as stated dropped the question for the OP. Sounds like SIL is happy to eat her cake and have it too.

Jells2dot0 · January 2017

I did the same as your FBIL- got married abroad and invited no one. Granted, it was a surprise when we got married, but I would have never considered having any type of showers or anything. I also was extremely opposed to any type of AHR or celebration and would have turned down any offer. I got married privately for a reason- to avoid any type of attention whatsoever. I did create a registry after we got back to use the completion discount. If anyone had asked about gifts, I may have directed them to the registry. However, no one asked or sent us anything. All we got was a card from each of our mothers, which was nice, but obviously unnecessary. I'm one of those people who just doesn't get having a private wedding or elopement and then arranging a party after the fact.

MairePoppy · January 2017

I'll take it back on the gift registry. @SP29 is correct, anyone may create a wish list for any occasion. As long as the couple doesn't announce the list, it's okay.

mrose88 · January 2017

I'm judging the save the date more than anything. Why send save the dates to people you aren't inviting? Why not just send a marriage announcement after the fact, and if people contact you to ask about a gift, share your registry with them? Sending a save the date seems so weird and gift-grabby.

I feel less weird about the reception and shower. I have no issue with AHRs and if people felt really strongly that they wanted to throw a shower, whatever. If I were the bride in that situation I would definitely insist we scrap the shower, but if I were invited as a shower guest, I don't think I'd be salty about it.

ahoywedding · January 2017

mrose88 said:

I'm judging the save the date more than anything. Why send save the dates to people you aren't inviting? Why not just send a marriage announcement after the fact, and if people contact you to ask about a gift, share your registry with them? Sending a save the date seems so weird and gift-grabby.

I feel less weird about the reception and shower. I have no issue with AHRs and if people felt really strongly that they wanted to throw a shower, whatever. If I were the bride in that situation I would definitely insist we scrap the shower, but if I were invited as a shower guest, I don't think I'd be salty about it.

The save the dates were in regards to their AHR; apologies if I didn't make that clear in the initial post. But it doesn't say "save the date for our celebration!" the whole thing makes it seem like we're actually invited to the wedding. As far as I can tell, they don't have a website outlining that for people either. Most of FBILs family is out of state (I think her is mostly local), so they're trying to decide if they want to make travel plans. FSIL has dropped a few hints on Insta about getting married out of the country, but that's all they've spoken of it really.

Am I being too snarky?

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