Close Weddings
My boyfriend (28) is planning on popping the question in spring of this year. We've been going back and forth between elopement or a small wedding. Whenever we've discussed it, we always said we want to get married in the fall around October. I've discussed it with my family, and his family knows its coming (I'm on their family Christmas card, attended the holidays, etc.), but I haven't discussed it directly with them. It's made more difficult because my boyfriend and I are long distance (by 3 hours), and only see each other every other weekend right now. He'll move back in 6 months.
My FSIL (23) got engaged this past June. My FMIL had been saying that my FSIL would not be getting married until December 2018, as she and her husband are building my FSIL and FBIL's house right now, and wanted a break before planning a wedding. My FSIL always seemed to be okay with that. However, at the end of November, my FSIL announced that they would be getting married December 2017. They moved quick and already have a venue booked and have printed save the dates.
My question is this: If we do decide to have a small wedding rather than elope, can I get married before his sister? She has been dating her FI longer, and they got engaged first. My boyfriend and I are both older, he already has a house, and we're ready to move forward. My FMIL will not have to plan or pay for the wedding, as my parents will cover that, but October is rather close to December.
Re: Close Weddings
Anybody can get married whenever they want. You get a day and she gets a day. There's no reason to plan your wedding date based on how close it is to someone else's.
One couple's wedding timeline does not dictate another couple's. With that being said, FSIL is young, so don't be shocked if she doesn't see it that way and gets upset.
As far as the bolded, I don't agree. You won't have to explain or be embarassed to explain why an event that hadn't happened yet didn't happen. Only an ass would say, "Didn't you say you were going to get engaged this spring?? Whatever happened to THAT?!"
My parents have always said that they'd pay for my wedding. I'm 26, so I don't expect it, but they've said they want to do it. I didn't just want to spring that on them. They should be fine, and I've already insisted on a lower amount then the one they've proposed, but I thought it would be more considerate to let them know what's on the way.
There's no rule you have to get married within a year of getting engaged.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
So please don't take this the wrong way, but, in general, I never understand why "the ring" (if a male/female relationship, traditionally given male to female) has to be what makes people engaged. If y'all have agreed you want to marry each other, then that's all it really takes.
insta-worthy photo/ring < two adults agreeing they'll get married
It sounds like you've both agreed you're going to marry each other. Like to the point that you've already talked timelines and family politics and budgets. So ring or no ring, I would consider y'all engaged.
Thank you, I appreciate that, and thank you for your encouraging posts. Tbh, it's my own insecurity probably. I'm one of those who never wants to overstep or make people feel uncomfortable. My SIL was a bridezilla, and I want to avoid that at all costs. I just need to relax and trust in my relationship and stop worrying about everything and everyone.
I don't want to derail the thread, but did he do the prep course? It's not the PE so much as the every other weekend prep course that will take all of his time. He'll only have every other Sunday off without work or the course and some of that is travel time back to the site 3 hours away. And congratulations to your husband, that's a fantastic accomplishment!
I had a 14 month engagement and actually wish it had been longer. I LOVED being engaged. I liked saying "fiance" and getting free drinks at the bar and planning the wedding. I totally get it when people just want to get the thing done, but it's such a fun time. Everyone's different, but if I were you, why not just make it official and start the fun part.
As PPs have said, you guys are engaged for all intents and purposes- you guys are committed to getting married, you are discussing this with family, you are discussing timelines with each other. You know your BF is going to propose to you n the spring.
Since the proposal is not going to be a surprise, it's a formality at this point, why wait until the spring?
Or wait until the spring, but if life is very busy for you both related to your careers, why get married within a year of your formal engagement?
There are many advantages to having a longer engagement. For instance, in my experience, most of the ceremony and reception venues book 1.5years-2years in advance anyways.
Just some food for thought. . .
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I would also recommend to the OP to try and take a step back from worrying too much about overstepping or making people uncomfortable. What works for you and your partner might not work for other people, and that's okay. If having a ring and an "official" proposal/engagement is important to you (and it's totally fine if it is!) then slow down on the planning a bit. But, if it's not and you want to plan a wedding now because that's what works for you, that's good too. Also, if there is a particular time you want to get married (next December) you can get engaged anytime and still have it be under a year, but try to to set too much importance on "under a year/over a year" that's just arbitrary. I totally get wanting a shorter engagement, but if you're already planning now, I guess I don't see the point of waiting to "make it official".
Finally, my H and I were engaged two weeks after we finished our PhD's. He wanted to wait until the stress and craziness of dissertation writing (for both us) was over. I'm glad he did. We had talked about being engaged, we were moving across the country together (away from all our friends and family for a I job I had), so yah we were making life plans together. But we did want to celebrate the engagement too, so we waited until we had finished our degrees.
I dated my DH for about 10years before we got engaged- we met in undergrad and then he went on to do a PhD in the natural sciences. We wanted to wait to get married until he finished his program and got a job because weddings are $$$$$ AF- at least the kind we wanted to have, and grad students are broke AF.
When we got engaged it was a 2.5 year engagement so that we could get the venues, vendors, and date/time of year we wanted, so that we could save for the wedding and honeymoon, so that I could make the centerpieces, etc.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
We knew several couples who got engaged before we did and got married after we did. One couple was waiting until summer (she's a teacher and wanted to get married during summer break). Another couple was waiting until her (now) husband got back from serving overseas in the Army.
People are on different timetables.
When my DH and I were engaged, we were both working 40 hour weeks and attending grad school. We had plenty of time to plan a wedding. Even with a 1.5 year engagement, the actual time spent- could have made those decisions in less than a month.
There's a woman on these boards who cancelled all her plans and re-did her wedding in like, 3 weeks.
What you do is plan to plan. If you have a Saturday night both free coming up, you say, "Ok, we're going to go out to dinner and bring a notebook and think up our guest list." Some random Tuesday you both have free, schedule an hour to think up your first dance and do-not-play list. A Sunday morning you set aside an hour at a bakery to taste cakes. And so on.
Wedding planning is not nearly as time consuming as people make it out to be. Yeah we spend a lot of time thinking about it-- like thinking about a color scheme, or rustic versus elegant- but shit, I can do that between conference calls at work or as I lay in bed at night. Making the decision can be done over a meal. Placing orders with vendors is some e-mail exchanging and a few phone calls. NBD.
I mean, sure, but I don't really see what this has to do with OPs situation. In my opinion, she is effectively engaged, but has chosen not to announce that publicly or begin planning her wedding. We can tell her she's engaged all day, but she doesn't want to start her "engagement" until her BF proposes this spring. I don't see why we should all be trying to convince her to view her own situation differently.
Just because she COULD fit in wedding planning with her schedule doesn't mean she wants to. I could do a lot of things with my free time that I chose not to do. She's not asking for tips on how to fit in wedding planning, she's telling us she wants to wait until she and her FI have a clearer schedule before they begin.
OP is the one who seems to be stressing about arbitrary timelines and who gets married when, and a lot of ppl on the boards seem to get hung up on "I must get married within 12 months of being engaged, I must have a ring and formal proposal to be engaged" etc.
We're just pointing out it only has to be that way if you choose it to be that way.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
So I get OP. Because I would've been distracted. So you do you here.
But no, you don't need to wait until your FSIL gets married first. You each get one day. The only two situations I can see where you would consider her wedding date are if your ILs were paying for both weddings, or your BF had a lot of out of town family that would travel to both weddings. And those are considerations, not hard and fast rules.
My now H proposed to me just before my last semester of law school. It was not a good time for us to plan at all. So we were engaged with minimal planning for about nine months. (By minimal planning, I mean the things OP has already done: choose a season, decide on the type of wedding we wanted). As an added bonus, wedding planning was a great distraction while waiting for bar exam results.
I consider you engaged. Planning a wedding doesn't have to be hard. It certainly doesn't have to take up the hours equivalent to having a 2nd job. You can be engaged and not plan a wedding until the time is right. The time can be right in a few days, weeks, months or for some people, years.
I also think it's totally fine for you to not consider yourselves officially engaged until he proposes. Like most people, my fiance and I had a conversation wherein we decided that we both wanted marriage. We discussed a general timeline (engaged "soon" and we prefer as short an engagement as possible), and decided that he should be the one to propose for a number of reasons. Then he proposed about four months later. He would have done it sooner, but I was incredibly stressed at work, putting in 10-14 hour days, seven days a week. It just didn't seem like the time, and he was right. He proposed without a ring, and that was the point at which we considered ourselves "officially" engaged. We announced and got a ring together a week or so later. Like I said, you do you.
On your original question, though: just be aware that getting married within two months of another family member may very well impact who attends your wedding. My first wedding (8 years ago) was five months after my sister's, and she announced her date well before me. Most of our extended family lives out of state, and many of them chose to only attend her wedding either because of cost or convenience. Now I am getting remarried about three months after my brother (he got engaged a couple weeks after me), so I've just resigned myself to the idea that history will be repeating itself. I'm not particularly close with my family, so for me that's totally fine. But, if it would bother you or your fiance, you may want to reconsider.