An FMIL, a bride, and a mushroom.

Alcove41517 · January 2017

Hi there! My FI and I got engaged over the holidays, and we're planning our wedding for April of this year. It's a short engagement, but a fairly small wedding and a smooth process so far!

One slight snag I've run into is with my FMIL. We really do get along great, but we are just having the weirdest little spat and I need some perspective. I have a mushroom allergy, and for this reason, I do not want them served at my wedding. FMIL likes them a whole lot, and wants them as part of a meal option. I really don't mind serving food I don't like, so she could ask for literally any other food, but I really don't want to spend my wedding night in the hospital if there's some kind of mixup. Am I out of line here?

Helenahhandbasket · January 2017

What kind of mushroom dish would it be?

Meaning, would it be evident that there were mushrooms in your food before you took a bite?

kimmiinthemitten · January 2017

Alcove41517 said:

Hi there! My FI and I got engaged over the holidays, and we're planning our wedding for April of this year. It's a short engagement, but a fairly small wedding and a smooth process so far!

One slight snag I've run into is with my FMIL. We really do get along great, but we are just having the weirdest little spat and I need some perspective. I have a mushroom allergy, and for this reason, I do not want them served at my wedding. FMIL likes them a whole lot, and wants them as part of a meal option. I really don't mind serving food I don't like, so she could ask for literally any other food, but I really don't want to spend my wedding night in the hospital if there's some kind of mixup. Am I out of line here?

Define your allergy. Can you just not eat mushrooms or can you not eat food that was prepared in the same kitchen as mushrooms.

IMHO allergy > pesonal preference but money comes with strings. If she is paying and insistent despite your allergy (given it's not airborne) you may have to allow them. Just make sure you have other options, for example we had chicken, pork tenderloin and a mushroom risotto so you have two other main meal alternatives given those choices. Make sure your caterer knows about the allergy and the extent and they will make sure it's safe. If they fight back even a little back, find a new venue/caterer, stat.

If she plans on paying and you're not willing to give, then refuse/return her money and start planning the wedding you and your FI can afford.

If she is not paying, then your FI (blood speaks to blood) needs to tell his mom that due to your allergies they will not be served and that the topic is closed for further discussion.

Alcove41517 · January 2017

Helenahhandbasket said:

What kind of mushroom dish would it be?

Meaning, would it be evident that there were mushrooms in your food before you took a bite?

She just wants a mushroom dish, she wasn't specific. I don't only get sick from eating a whole mushroom though, I have a reaction when there's a mushroom-based sauce, or even when one has touched my food.

Alcove41517 · January 2017

kimmiinthemitten said:

Alcove41517 said:

Hi there! My FI and I got engaged over the holidays, and we're planning our wedding for April of this year. It's a short engagement, but a fairly small wedding and a smooth process so far!

One slight snag I've run into is with my FMIL. We really do get along great, but we are just having the weirdest little spat and I need some perspective. I have a mushroom allergy, and for this reason, I do not want them served at my wedding. FMIL likes them a whole lot, and wants them as part of a meal option. I really don't mind serving food I don't like, so she could ask for literally any other food, but I really don't want to spend my wedding night in the hospital if there's some kind of mixup. Am I out of line here?

Define your allergy. Can you just not eat mushrooms or can you not eat food that was prepared in the same kitchen as mushrooms.

IMHO allergy > pesonal preference but money comes with strings. If she is paying and insistent despite your allergy (given it's not airborne) you may have to allow them. Just make sure you have other options, for example we had chicken, pork tenderloin and a mushroom risotto so you have two other main meal alternatives given those choices. Make sure your caterer knows about the allergy and the extent and they will make sure it's safe. If they fight back even a little back, find a new venue/caterer, stat.

If she plans on paying and you're not willing to give, then refuse/return her money and start planning the wedding you and your FI can afford.

If she is not paying, then your FI (blood speaks to blood) needs to tell his mom that due to your allergies they will not be served and that the topic is closed for further discussion.

We are paying for the wedding ourselves, so no issue there. My food cannot be touched by mushrooms, or touched by hands/utensils that were touching mushrooms.

I really do not want to fight with my FMIL over fungi, and FI was not present for this conversation with her, so he hasn't had a chance to step in yet.

kimmiinthemitten · January 2017

Alcove41517 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Alcove41517 said:

Hi there! My FI and I got engaged over the holidays, and we're planning our wedding for April of this year. It's a short engagement, but a fairly small wedding and a smooth process so far!

One slight snag I've run into is with my FMIL. We really do get along great, but we are just having the weirdest little spat and I need some perspective. I have a mushroom allergy, and for this reason, I do not want them served at my wedding. FMIL likes them a whole lot, and wants them as part of a meal option. I really don't mind serving food I don't like, so she could ask for literally any other food, but I really don't want to spend my wedding night in the hospital if there's some kind of mixup. Am I out of line here?

Define your allergy. Can you just not eat mushrooms or can you not eat food that was prepared in the same kitchen as mushrooms.

IMHO allergy > pesonal preference but money comes with strings. If she is paying and insistent despite your allergy (given it's not airborne) you may have to allow them. Just make sure you have other options, for example we had chicken, pork tenderloin and a mushroom risotto so you have two other main meal alternatives given those choices. Make sure your caterer knows about the allergy and the extent and they will make sure it's safe. If they fight back even a little back, find a new venue/caterer, stat.

If she plans on paying and you're not willing to give, then refuse/return her money and start planning the wedding you and your FI can afford.

If she is not paying, then your FI (blood speaks to blood) needs to tell his mom that due to your allergies they will not be served and that the topic is closed for further discussion.

We are paying for the wedding ourselves, so no issue there. My food cannot be touched by mushrooms, or touched by hands/utensils that were touching mushrooms.

I really do not want to fight with my FMIL over fungi, and FI was not present for this conversation with her, so he hasn't had a chance to step in yet.

Then that is simple. Serve no mushrooms and have your FI communicate that. He doesn't have to be present for the original conversation to follow up, or to respond directly to her if she asks again.

ETA: I would still make sure your caterer knows just in case they have multiple events that weekend so they can avoid cross contamination.

Alcove41517 · January 2017

For ladies that have been through this part of the planning process and may have dealt with allergies, is there a way for a caterer to accommodate her without even a chance of cross-contamination?

Alcove41517 · January 2017

kimmiinthemitten said:Then that is simple. Serve no mushrooms and have your FI communicate that. He doesn't have to be present for the original conversation to follow up, or to respond directly to her if she asks again.

ETA: I would still make sure your caterer knows just in case they have multiple events that weekend so they can avoid cross contamination.

Agreed about FI. He'll be addressing her, I just meant he hasn't had the chance yet. And thanks, I will definitely make sure to let them know!

SP29 · January 2017

Alcove41517 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Alcove41517 said:

Hi there! My FI and I got engaged over the holidays, and we're planning our wedding for April of this year. It's a short engagement, but a fairly small wedding and a smooth process so far!

One slight snag I've run into is with my FMIL. We really do get along great, but we are just having the weirdest little spat and I need some perspective. I have a mushroom allergy, and for this reason, I do not want them served at my wedding. FMIL likes them a whole lot, and wants them as part of a meal option. I really don't mind serving food I don't like, so she could ask for literally any other food, but I really don't want to spend my wedding night in the hospital if there's some kind of mixup. Am I out of line here?

Define your allergy. Can you just not eat mushrooms or can you not eat food that was prepared in the same kitchen as mushrooms.

IMHO allergy > pesonal preference but money comes with strings. If she is paying and insistent despite your allergy (given it's not airborne) you may have to allow them. Just make sure you have other options, for example we had chicken, pork tenderloin and a mushroom risotto so you have two other main meal alternatives given those choices. Make sure your caterer knows about the allergy and the extent and they will make sure it's safe. If they fight back even a little back, find a new venue/caterer, stat.

If she plans on paying and you're not willing to give, then refuse/return her money and start planning the wedding you and your FI can afford.

If she is not paying, then your FI (blood speaks to blood) needs to tell his mom that due to your allergies they will not be served and that the topic is closed for further discussion.

We are paying for the wedding ourselves, so no issue there. My food cannot be touched by mushrooms, or touched by hands/utensils that were touching mushrooms.

I really do not want to fight with my FMIL over fungi, and FI was not present for this conversation with her, so he hasn't had a chance to step in yet.

The nope. Allergy trumps personal preference. I think FMIL is being a bit ridiculous. Sure, she may love mushrooms (I also think they are pretty awesome), but she can't have one meal without them? I am sure there must be other foods she likes....

FI definitely needs to handle this. "Mom, Alcove has a serious mushroom allergy. We will not be serving a mushroom dish at the wedding and the decision is final.".

If you do want to see if there are any options, you can talk to your caterer first- they are the best person to ask. You know that restaurants accommodate food allergies on a daily basis, so I am sure there are some options, but it depends on what that caterer is able to accommodate. Tell them your issue and ask if they can accommodate, or what they would do with other allergies (I'm thinking nuts is the big one here- would a caterer have a nut free process, or would they simply say "nothing with nuts" as it's hard to control?).

holyguacamole79 · January 2017

Alcove41517 said:

For ladies that have been through this part of the planning process and may have dealt with allergies, is there a way for a caterer to accommodate her without even a chance of cross-contamination?

I don't have any food allergies, so i apologize if this is a dumb question. If one of your guests spills or something and gets mushroom on their hands and then hugs you, is there any way you'd have an allergic reaction? I know this is probsbly a fluke scenario, but I'm trying to think of all possibilities.

Jen4948 · January 2017

I think your FI needs to tell his mother, "I'm sorry, but since any physical contact with anyone or anything that's exposed to mushrooms can land Alcove41517 in the hospital with an allergic reaction, we've decided it's too risky to serve any mushroom dishes because it's impossible to completely protect against cross-contamination and Alcove41517 doesn't want to end up hospitalized on our wedding day. Therefore, we won't be serving mushrooms at the wedding. This is a final decision. That said, we'll be happy to consider requests for dishes you would like that don't contain mushrooms."

Alcove41517 · January 2017

holyguacamole79 said:

Alcove41517 said:

For ladies that have been through this part of the planning process and may have dealt with allergies, is there a way for a caterer to accommodate her without even a chance of cross-contamination?

I don't have any food allergies, so i apologize if this is a dumb question. If one of your guests spills or something and gets mushroom on their hands and then hugs you, is there any way you'd have an allergic reaction? I know this is probsbly a fluke scenario, but I'm trying to think of all possibilities.

I'm not sure. That's never happened, but honestly I'm just so paranoid after a cross-contamination that put me in the hospital on Thanksgiving. I had only ever had reactions before from accidentally eating something with mushrooms in it.

STARMOON44 · January 2017

I don't see why you need to address this at all. Order your non-mushroomed food. Refuse to discuss it with her any more.

lyndausvi · January 2017

Alcove41517 said:

For ladies that have been through this part of the planning process and may have dealt with allergies, is there a way for a caterer to accommodate her without even a chance of cross-contamination?

Sure, my husband deals with that all the time. However, it would be easier to accommodate you not getting a mushroom dish, than give one person some random special dish simply because they requested/demanded. Sounds odd, but it's all about priorities. Allergies have priority. It's easier to make sure 1 dish doesn't have 'x', then worry about the cross-contaimentation for 50+ others and your not sure which one the allergy guest would be getting. He simple says "this is for the guest who is allergic to mushrooms", then the server takes that plate directly to that person.

Plus where does it end? Mom wants a mushroom dish, dad likes carrots, Auntie Em wants peas.

It's just bizarre to request/demand something like a mushroom dish. They are not paying, just bean dip them on the subject.

NOTE - Even if you don't give in, make sure the caterer is aware of the allergy. There could be more than one event going on.

spockforprez · January 2017

Wow. I've heard of pushy MILs but insisting on serving a food that the bride is allergic to is pretty far out there. It's so bizarre and ridiculous.

Does she know you're allergic? You said you were having a conversation with her but didn't mention specifically if you told her about your allergy and what her reaction to that was.

If she continued making this request after you told her about your allergy then I agree with Jen and think you should not mention another word to her about the food and change the subject any time it comes up. Have your FH say, "We'll get all that worked out. How are the dogs doing?" or whatever every time she brings it up. If she's not NPD she'll drop it after the first few times. If she is, you might have bigger problems than mushrooms in the future.

klj1122 · January 2017

I work in food service, and trust me, don't risk the cross-contamination. I have to eat gluten-free, and more than infinitesimal cross-contamination will have me pooping water. Sorry to be graphic, but a lot of people, even my own coworkers, are flippant about it, thinking you're just being 'difficult' or 'picky', and/or they don't know how to look for ingredients in pre-packaged foods... even when they mean well and they're trying to be helpful.

I don't make a big deal about it the odd time I get glutened at work. But on my wedding day?! Cue the scene from "Bridesmaids!" No thanks!

I'll probably be afraid to consume anything but the wine!

Alcove41517 · January 2017

FI talked to FMIL and explained that there would be no mushrooms. Apparently she didn't realize the extent of the allergy and thought I "just got a tummy ache" if I ate them. She's over it, so we're fine. I really appreciate you all!

spockforprez · January 2017

Alcove41517 said:

FI talked to FMIL and explained that there would be no mushrooms. Apparently she didn't realize the extent of the allergy and thought I "just got a tummy ache" if I ate them. She's over it, so we're fine. I really appreciate you all!

Wow! That's really quite silly of her. Shall we blame the non-celiac gluten haters for nobody understanding what an "allergy" is anymore?

CMGragain · January 2017

I do know people who claim to have allergies to food that they simply do not like. These people are doing a serious disservice to people who really do have life threatening allergies.
OK, I hate mustard and pickled beets, but I would never claim to be allergic to them, and I will eat them if I really must, to be polite.
Anyone who was ever a teacher knows about the no-peanut butter table in the lunchroom. Food allergies are very real, and can be very dangerous!

missfrodo · January 2017

OP, glad everything worked out for you! I don't think our caterer even had any dishes with mushrooms in them, so it's odd to me that your FMIL would even assume that's a common thing to have.
My mom developed several food allergies in her 50's (tomatoes, kiwifruit, etc, which give her hives but aren't life-threatening), and she also developed an intolerance to egg. Like many GF people, if she even eats something that was prepared in the same deep-fryer as something with egg (battered chicken vs. french fries, for example, or a vegan donut vs. a regular one), she will get sick and it basically wipes out her GI tract for several days before she can eat real food again. Going out to eat with her is an adventure as we have to ask forensic-style questions about food contents and prep, so I get your concerns about cross-contamination. Definitely let your caterer know so they can thoroughly cleanse all prep surfaces before cooking for you!

AddieCake · January 2017

I think it's bullshit that she would try to push for this in the first place. Glad she dropped it, though.

sparklepants41 · January 2017

AddieCake said:

I think it's bullshit that she would try to push for this in the first place. Glad she dropped it, though.

Seriously. Since when are mushrooms a deal-breaker? Especially when someone has a serious allergy.

OP I'm glad you were able to work it out!

debbeau · January 2017

I am glad it worked out for you without any drama.

Ro041 · January 2017

Alcove41517 said:

FI talked to FMIL and explained that there would be no mushrooms. Apparently she didn't realize the extent of the allergy and thought I "just got a tummy ache" if I ate them. She's over it, so we're fine. I really appreciate you all!

So she was willing to risk giving the bride a "tummy ache" as long as the illness wasn't too bad in her opinion just so she could eat a dish that had mushrooms in it? WTF?

thisismynickname2 · January 2017

Ro041 said:

Alcove41517 said:

FI talked to FMIL and explained that there would be no mushrooms. Apparently she didn't realize the extent of the allergy and thought I "just got a tummy ache" if I ate them. She's over it, so we're fine. I really appreciate you all!

So she was willing to risk giving the bride a "tummy ache" as long as the illness wasn't too bad in her opinion just so she could eat a dish that had mushrooms in it? WTF?

This is so bizarre. She must be a serious mushroom lover to push this. I'm sorry, but we had our wedding an upscale restaurant with 5 courses, 4 different passed apps, late night pizza and dessert bar. Not a mushroom in site. Granted, if either of us had a severe mushroom allergy we would have asked about cross contamination in the kitchen, but geez. Mushrooms?

short+sassy · January 2017

Ro041 said:

Alcove41517 said:

FI talked to FMIL and explained that there would be no mushrooms. Apparently she didn't realize the extent of the allergy and thought I "just got a tummy ache" if I ate them. She's over it, so we're fine. I really appreciate you all!

So she was willing to risk giving the bride a "tummy ache" as long as the illness wasn't too bad in her opinion just so she could eat a dish that had mushrooms in it? WTF?

That's what I'm thinking! I'm certainly glad it worked out in the end and MIL didn't make an issue about it.

But, seriously? Mushrooms? I'll guess she has meals all the time with no mushrooms in them, so I don't understand why she even questioned it. To me, this is how the conversation should have gone:

MIL: "@Alcove41517, you know, I simply adore mushrooms. Is it at all possible to incorporate them as part of one of the meal options?"

@Alcove41517: "MIL, I'm sorry, but I'm allergic mushrooms and am worried about having them in any of the food items."

MIL: "Oh! I didn't realize. Never mind then." Or, "I'm so sorry! I forgot about your allergy. Of course there won't be mushrooms, I totally understand."

As an aside, OP, I would show EXTREME caution any time you are eating at her house. In case she accidentally used mushrooms in a dish because she forgot about your allergy.

sparklepants41 · January 2017

short+sassy said:

Ro041 said:

Alcove41517 said:

FI talked to FMIL and explained that there would be no mushrooms. Apparently she didn't realize the extent of the allergy and thought I "just got a tummy ache" if I ate them. She's over it, so we're fine. I really appreciate you all!

So she was willing to risk giving the bride a "tummy ache" as long as the illness wasn't too bad in her opinion just so she could eat a dish that had mushrooms in it? WTF?

That's what I'm thinking! I'm certainly glad it worked out in the end and MIL didn't make an issue about it.
But, seriously? Mushrooms? I'll guess she has meals all the time with no mushrooms in them, so I don't understand why she even questioned it. To me, this is how the conversation should have gone:
MIL: "@Alcove41517, you know, I simply adore mushrooms. Is it at all possible to incorporate them as part of one of the meal options?"
@Alcove41517: "MIL, I'm sorry, but I'm allergic mushrooms and am worried about having them in any of the food items."
MIL: "Oh! I didn't realize. Never mind then." Or, "I'm so sorry! I forgot about your allergy. Of course there won't be mushrooms, I totally understand."

As an aside, OP, I would show EXTREME caution any time you are eating at her house. In case she accidentally used mushrooms in a dish because she forgot about your allergy.

I mean. What kind of mushrooms are we talking about here? Mushrooms? Or mushrooms?

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/ac/kh53tvrdx9ia.jpg

SwissMs · January 2017

STARMOON44 said:

I don't see why you need to address this at all. Order your non-mushroomed food. Refuse to discuss it with her any more.

This. She is being unreasonable.

Alcove41517 · January 2017

She really is a lovely lady, she can just be a bit spacey at times. As soon as FI explained the allergy, the severity, and the Thanksgiving "mushrooming" at my parents house, she immediately apologized. She's also called and texted me several times to apologize more. She feels way worse than she needs to about this.

FI is the youngest of 6 boys, the last to get married, and there are 10 grandkids, so she gets mixed up from time to time. Or maybe she's just mixing up her mushrooms.

southernbelle0915 · January 2017

I'll take your word for it that she's "lovely". But of all the things to give a shit about at a wedding you aren't paying for.....mushrooms? I've heard about demands for vegetarian menus or alcohol or no alcohol or whatever...but mushrooms?

bleve0821 · January 2017

sparklepants41 said:

short+sassy said:

Ro041 said:

Alcove41517 said:

FI talked to FMIL and explained that there would be no mushrooms. Apparently she didn't realize the extent of the allergy and thought I "just got a tummy ache" if I ate them. She's over it, so we're fine. I really appreciate you all!

So she was willing to risk giving the bride a "tummy ache" as long as the illness wasn't too bad in her opinion just so she could eat a dish that had mushrooms in it? WTF?

That's what I'm thinking! I'm certainly glad it worked out in the end and MIL didn't make an issue about it.
But, seriously? Mushrooms? I'll guess she has meals all the time with no mushrooms in them, so I don't understand why she even questioned it. To me, this is how the conversation should have gone:
MIL: "@Alcove41517, you know, I simply adore mushrooms. Is it at all possible to incorporate them as part of one of the meal options?"
@Alcove41517: "MIL, I'm sorry, but I'm allergic mushrooms and am worried about having them in any of the food items."
MIL: "Oh! I didn't realize. Never mind then." Or, "I'm so sorry! I forgot about your allergy. Of course there won't be mushrooms, I totally understand."

As an aside, OP, I would show EXTREME caution any time you are eating at her house. In case she accidentally used mushrooms in a dish because she forgot about your allergy.

I mean. What kind of mushrooms are we talking about here? Mushrooms? Or mushrooms?

I was wondering this myself...

An FMIL, a bride, and a mushroom.

Re: An FMIL, a bride, and a mushroom.

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