Engagement party date woes

sarahnadeau1 · January 2017

Hello everyone,

My future hubby and I decided to throw an informal engagement BBQ this summer for everyone to attend, so everyone can meet, that sort of thing. We picked a date in July, not realizing it was a friends husbands birthday. We planned and paid for everything for that date. And in the 2 weeks since we've sent out the invites and told everyone to be expecting them, I have heard, "that's my birthday" and "that's my husband's birthday that you picked for the party." Mind you, this is not an all day affair, but a casual BBQ. Can anyone recommend some advice on how to deal with this? I am sick of getting snarky comments.

LondonLisa · January 2017

Knottieea4c9ca86e624c8e said:

Hello everyone,

My future hubby and I decided to throw an informal engagement BBQ this summer for everyone to attend, so everyone can meet, that sort of thing. We picked a date in July, not realizing it was a friends husbands birthday. We planned and paid for everything for that date. And in the 2 weeks since we've sent out the invites and told everyone to be expecting them, I have heard, "that's my birthday" and "that's my husband's birthday that you picked for the party." Mind you, this is not an all day affair, but a casual BBQ. Can anyone recommend some advice on how to deal with this? I am sick of getting snarky comments.

Uhhhhh, more importantly, you sent out invitations for a casual BBQ in July in JANUARY?!

banana468 · January 2017

You have 6 months - why can't you reschedule if it's a known conflict among the group of friends? If it's a casual BBQ, what's preventing the rescheduling?

Also, it's SIX MONTHS AWAY. Your friends may be trying to tell you that you're not planning a casual event if you're sending invitations out so soon.

ILoveBeachMusic · January 2017

LondonLisa said:

Knottieea4c9ca86e624c8e said:

Hello everyone,

My future hubby and I decided to throw an informal engagement BBQ this summer for everyone to attend, so everyone can meet, that sort of thing. We picked a date in July, not realizing it was a friends husbands birthday. We planned and paid for everything for that date. And in the 2 weeks since we've sent out the invites and told everyone to be expecting them, I have heard, "that's my birthday" and "that's my husband's birthday that you picked for the party." Mind you, this is not an all day affair, but a casual BBQ. Can anyone recommend some advice on how to deal with this? I am sick of getting snarky comments.

Uhhhhh, more importantly, you sent out invitations for a casual BBQ in July in JANUARY?!

Was wondering the same thing. Good grief you don't send out invitations for a wedding until about 8 WEEKS before the event. Why would you send out invites for a "casual" BBQ so early? Also if this is really an engagement party, you shouldn't be hosting it yourselves. It is rude to host a party in your own honor. If it is a party to just get together, don't call it an engagement party.

SP29 · January 2017

You have two options.

A) Reschedule the party as it is still 6 months away (not sure why you've planned and paid for everything already??? Food doesn't need to be ordered until a few weeks before, and this is supposed to be casual right?). Poll your VIPs and see if there is a date that works best for most people.

Continue with your party as planned because you are never going to find a date that works for 100% of your guest list. To those who say they can't make it because of X,Y,Z, let them know you'll be sorry not to see them but you'll catch up another time. An invitation is not a summons.

And yes, you should not be hosting a party in your own honour. Pre-wedding parties are offered by someone else. Also, anyone invited to a pre-wedding party must be invited to the wedding so be careful inviting "everyone" to this party if you haven't considered your wedding guest list yet. If you just want people to come hang out and meet other people, call it a get together and leave the wedding out of it. People will still comment on your engagement.

levioosa · January 2017

Knottieea4c9ca86e624c8e said:

Hello everyone,

My future hubby and I decided to throw an informal engagement BBQ this summer for everyone to attend, so everyone can meet, that sort of thing. We picked a date in July, not realizing it was a friends husbands birthday. We planned and paid for everything for that date. And in the 2 weeks since we've sent out the invites and told everyone to be expecting them, I have heard, "that's my birthday" and "that's my husband's birthday that you picked for the party." Mind you, this is not an all day affair, but a casual BBQ. Can anyone recommend some advice on how to deal with this? I am sick of getting snarky comments.

1. You shouldn't be throwing your own engagement party.
2. Also...an E-party over six months from the actual date you got engaged? No.
3. You sent invites out SIX MONTHS in advance. For a casual backyard BBQ. What?
4. I think you are taking those comments way too seriously.
5. You need to calm down your expectations for your wedding. If you are getting this upset over a backyard BBQ you're in for a rough ride.

jacques27 · January 2017

Invitations sent out six months in advance just SCREAMS informal BBQ. I'm sure some people are more confused than anything by getting an invite six months in advance and may assume it's more formal than it is.

Pick a new date or learn how to handle declines graciously.

AddieCake · January 2017

I'm one of the few here who doesn't side-eye the couple throwing their own engagement party, but I do agree it should be done sooner than 6 months after being engaged and that you're sending invitations WAY too early for this shindig, especially for being a casual BBQ.

Either reschedule or continue as planned and say, "Sorry you can't make it!" when you get the comments about the birthday. There's really not much else you can do.

InLoveInQueens · January 2017

If this party is informal, as you say, why on earth are you inviting people 6 months in advance? That's more than double the time when wedding invitations are to be sent! And engagement parties are soon after you get engaged, not over 6 months later, this is just a BBQ that for some reason you think people need to plan for 6 months in advance.

Just change the date if you want these people there, you shouldn't have sent invitations so early in the first place, or tell them "oh sorry I didn't realize, we're sorry you won't be able to make it (if they decline)" and accept that they might not come because of it.

My advice, and what others will probably say, take a chill pill, their comments might not even be declines, just a heads up maybe they'll leave early to celebrate or something. You're seriously making a mountain out of not even a mole Hill, an ant Hill, and if this is how you think about a "casual bbq" you're in for a real freaking headache planning a wedding. Those aren't snarky comments, holy crap, they're just comments.

CMGragain · January 2017

This is not an engagement party. An engagement party is given by someone other than the bride and groom, usually the parents, soon after the engagement.
You do not invite people to a party six months ahead of time. What were you thinking?
When the time comes (about 4 weeks out), send invitations to a barbecue, NOT an engagement party. This is not a part of your wedding. If someone says that they have a conflict, you smile politely and say, "Oh, I'm sorry you can't attend. We will miss you."

southernbelle0915 · January 2017

You're never going to find a date that avoids birthdays, anniversaries, etc. for your entire guest list. This couple can either decide to attend or not. Their choice. You're doing nothing wrong in your date selection.

But an engagement party should be within a few months of you getting engaged. Six months is way too long.

Also, why on god's green earth are you sending out invitations in JANUARY? This party is 6 months away. Even wedding invitations don't go out until 8ish weeks before the main event.

Are you registered somewhere for this event?

ahoywedding · January 2017

Seconding @AddieCake in that I don't necessarily GAF if a couple throws their own engagement party, if it's more like "hey we realized we have friends who haven't met FI" or something. I think that's kind of nice; that you want your friends to know your future spouse before the day of your wedding.

That being said, cool your jets on the invites for this BBQ. For a casual party, there's no need to plan so far ahead of time. Summer is a popular time for vacations, so if you have some VIPs, you could check with them maybe in the spring to try and plan around that. But you're never going to avoid everybody's everythings.

MobKaz · January 2017

@Knottieea4c9ca86e624c8e said, "My future hubby and I decided to throw an informal engagement BBQ this summer for everyone to attend, so everyone can meet, that sort of thing. We picked a date in July, not realizing it was a friends husbands birthday. We planned and paid for everything for that date."

This does not sound like an engagement party. It sounds like you are trying to introduce your families, and probably all your wedding party to each other. I can promise you that weddings can and do take place without all the key players getting to know each other prior to the event.

I am a planner, and can organize the bejeezus out of anything. There is no way I would ever plan and PAY for "everything" for an event that is 6 months out.

Your issues? If these are your nearest and dearest, why didn't you do a little recon regarding the date? Informing you of conflicting dates/plans is not being snarky; these people are telling you factually that your date does not jive with their plans. Change the date; don't change the date. Regardless, you will not get 100% attendance.

missfrodo · January 2017

MobKaz said:

Your issues? If these are your nearest and dearest, why didn't you do a little recon regarding the date? Informing you of conflicting dates/plans is not being snarky; these people are telling you factually that your date does not jive with their plans. Change the date; don't change the date. Regardless, you will not get 100% attendance.

This. Every year, I have a Christmas get-together with my friends from out of town, and even though there are less than a dozen people, I can never get a date that works for everyone. People lead busy lives and their schedules fill up fast with obligations from work, family, other friends, personal vacations, etc. You can't take it personally. I'm not sure how many people you're inviting to this BBQ, but you can expect that several will not be able to make it for one reason or another. Same with your wedding. We do tell people on TK to budget for and expect 100% attendance, so that you're prepared to host everyone properly, but most of us do experience a number of declines. Even if someone has the time to attend, they may not have the money. Again, if you take every decline for your wedding personally, you're going to have a bad time.

mrose88 · January 2017

I think the BBQ idea sounds really cool (giving your nearest and dearest a way to meet each other before the big day is such a good idea). Invitations six months out is a bit weird, but you do you.

Mostly, I'm just here to lend a massive eye roll to any adult who stamps their feet at other people having the audacity to schedule something on their birthday. This dude is a grown man!

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