Save the date was mailed but no call, no show to shower. Invite to wedding still?

[Deleted User] · January 2017

Long story short – I used to be very close to someone but over the years we fell apart. I wasn’t sure if I was going to invite her to my wedding but we ended up getting in touch and felt it was the right thing to do so I sent her a save the date.

Since then she has been a no call – no show to two events, including my bridal shower. She is fairly flakey so I held off on sending her invite out until after the shower (since I had a feeling she wouldn’t show) to decide whether to give her a guest (she has a boyfriend of about a year that I have never met). I assumed she would at least let my bridesmaids know in advance that she was bailing, but she did not. One of my bridesmaids contacted her after to ask why she didn’t show up and she didn’t even respond.

To be clear, she did rsvp to both events but ended up being a no call, no show both times.

So my question is do I still need to invite her since she was sent a save the date? I don’t want to be rude but at this point I have a fairly good suspicion she would do another no call-no show.

banana468 · January 2017

Knottie1464707323 said:

Long story short – I used to be very close to someone but over the years we fell apart. I wasn’t sure if I was going to invite her to my wedding but we ended up getting in touch and felt it was the right thing to do so I sent her a save the date.

Since then she has been a no call – no show to two events, including my bridal shower. She is fairly flakey so I held off on sending her invite out until after the shower (since I had a feeling she wouldn’t show) to decide whether to give her a guest (she has a boyfriend of about a year that I have never met). I assumed she would at least let my bridesmaids know in advance that she was bailing, but she did not. One of my bridesmaids contacted her after to ask why she didn’t show up and she didn’t even respond.

So my question is do I still need to invite her since she was sent a save the date? I don’t want to be rude but at this point I have a fairly good suspicion she would do another no call-no show.

A no call / no show isn't really a thing unless she tells you that she's attending and then doesn't show up.

1) If you invite her to the wedding then her BF is invited. It doesn't matter whether or not you've met him.

2) You sent her a STD. Send the invitation. Failure to do so means you're writing her off and don't consider her a friend anymore - and it's a pretty passive-aggressive way to do it.

3) When the response date for your wedding comes, if she doesn't respond then CALL HER and see if she'll be there. That's on you.

Beyond that, call her in general. See how she's doing. See if she's OK. See what's going on. Maybe she's flaky. Maybe she doesn't value the friendship, or maybe there's a problem in her life and she's put your shower as a lower priority over that. But the only way to find out what's her deal is to talk to her as a friend and leave your wedding out of it.

[Deleted User] · January 2017

banana468 said:
A no call / no show isn't really a thing unless she tells you that she's attending and then doesn't show up.

She did say she was attending, and then did not show up. In both instances she had even texted the person organizing the event the same day confirming she was going and then she didn't show up.

My bridesmaid also contacted her the next day asking her what happened and she did not respond. Both ladies are old friends as well.

climbingsingle · January 2017

Maybe something is going on in her life? Maybe there was some kind of emergency? If this person is your friend, why not reach out to see how she's doing?

When you invite someone to your wedding, you absolutely have to invite their significant other. It doesn't matter if you haven't met him. You've already sent her an STD. Do the right thing and invite her to your wedding.

southernbelle0915 · January 2017

Few things are more rude than people who RSVP yes and then no show (unless there's some emergency).

However, even when people do rude things, you should take the high road. Etiquette is that if you send someone an STD, they should get an invitation. If she RSVPs yes, you'd be well within your right to ask her if she REALLY plans on coming.

charlotte989875 · January 2017

Of course you still invite her. Yes it was rude she no showed, but maybe something came up. She should have contacted the hostess but just because she was rude but not doing so doesn't mean you should be rude and disinvite her.

LondonLisa · January 2017

Knottie1464707323 said:

banana468 said:
A no call / no show isn't really a thing unless she tells you that she's attending and then doesn't show up.

She did say she was attending, and then did not show up. In both instances she had even texted the person organizing the event the same day confirming she was going and then she didn't show up.

My bridesmaid also contacted her the next day asking her what happened and she did not respond. Both ladies are old friends as well.

This is a friend issue not a wedding issue. You say she was flakey before but does she habitually do this? Why don't you call her (not text) and ask her if everything was OK since you missed her at the shower.

It is annoying, yes, but you sent a STD- you must invite her to the wedding. Also, if she has a BF, that isn't a guest, that is a SO and of course you should be inviting him.

Weddings don't change people. If she was doing this before, she will continue to do this. Lurkers, this is why we say don't send STDs to people unless you are 100% sure you want to invite them.

banana468 · January 2017

Knottie1464707323 said:

banana468 said:
A no call / no show isn't really a thing unless she tells you that she's attending and then doesn't show up.

She did say she was attending, and then did not show up. In both instances she had even texted the person organizing the event the same day confirming she was going and then she didn't show up.

My bridesmaid also contacted her the next day asking her what happened and she did not respond. Both ladies are old friends as well.

I think you need to reach out to her to see what's going on.

It was rude to say she would be there and not show up.

But that's not an excuse or license for you to do something rude either. If you want to keep the friendship then she should be invited to the wedding. And if you invite her to the wedding then her BF is invited as well.

But I think you need to see if this is a pattern of behavior for her. Is she normally not accountable / flaky on other events or jobs? Is something going on with her or is she just often one-sided?

cowgirl8238 · January 2017

Knottie1464707323 said:

Long story short – I used to be very close to someone but over the years we fell apart. I wasn’t sure if I was going to invite her to my wedding but we ended up getting in touch and felt it was the right thing to do so I sent her a save the date.

If you sent her a STD, you must send her an invite. Not inviting her now is the same as saying "we aren't friends anymore."

Since then she has been a no call – no show to two events, including my bridal shower. That's pretty shitty on her part! She is fairly flakey so I held off on sending her invite out until after the shower Wait, you sent out invites to some people but not others before your shower?! When is your wedding?? Is it possible she knows some people already got wedding invites and she didn't? (since I had a feeling she wouldn’t show) to decide whether to give her a guest (she has a boyfriend of about a year that I have never met). This is NOT a guest, this is a SO and ALL SO's must be invited to your wedding regardless of length of time, if you know them or not etc.) I assumed she would at least let my bridesmaids know in advance that she was bailing, but she did not. One of my bridesmaids contacted her after to ask why she didn’t show up and she didn’t even respond. Maybe she had an emergency? maybe the BM calling and following up made her feel like she was being questioned and made her uncomfortable?
To be clear, she did rsvp to both events but ended up being a no call, no show both times.

So my question is do I still need to invite her since she was sent a save the date? I don’t want to be rude but at this point I have a fairly good suspicion she would do another no call-no show. Yes, you should invite her.

Thoughts in Bold above:

I think you need to pick up the phone and have a conversation with this person. If she was flakey before the wedding it is likely that she will continue to be so, wedding don't make people magically better. Also remember that just because your wedding is important to you and your FI, it does not make it important to others.

Helenahhandbasket · January 2017

I'd reach out directly to her.

"Friend, I missed you at my bridal shower. Is everything ok?"

You do have to extend an invitation and you must invite her SO.

ahoywedding · January 2017

Yes, invite her, unless you're wanting to end the friendship. I posted in one of the boards about a couple we were friends with who received STDs but are NOT getting invites because they chose to end our friendship (and did so in a pretty awful way). Unless that's your goal, invite her. If she's invited, her boyfriend is invited. SOs always get an invite.

And also, this person is one of your friends! If she's not acting like herself, reach out to her to make sure she is alright! Your wedding & the associated events are not as major in other peoples' lives as they are in yours. It's likely she has had something else come up in her life and could use you as a friend (not bride).

SP29 · January 2017

Yes, your friend was rude to RSVP yes then no show. But unless you are planning to end your friendship with her, invite her, with her SO.

[Deleted User] · January 2017

Thanks guys - I did send her a text message asking her if everything is ok because she missed the shower. Let's see if she responds.

CMGragain · January 2017

Knottie1464707323 said:

Thanks guys - I did send her a text message asking her if everything is ok because she missed the shower. Let's see if she responds.

Text message? Pick up the damn phone and call her in person!!!!!

ernursej · January 2017

CMGragain said:

Knottie1464707323 said:

Thanks guys - I did send her a text message asking her if everything is ok because she missed the shower. Let's see if she responds.

Text message? Pick up the damn phone and call her in person!!!!!

For a lot of people, responding to a text might be easier than a phone call. If I was upset, I wouldn't want to talk on the phone with someone. I would much rather be able to respond to a text. I think it is a know your crowd thing.

charlotte989875 · January 2017

ernursej said:

CMGragain said:

Knottie1464707323 said:

Thanks guys - I did send her a text message asking her if everything is ok because she missed the shower. Let's see if she responds.

Text message? Pick up the damn phone and call her in person!!!!!

For a lot of people, responding to a text might be easier than a phone call. If I was upset, I wouldn't want to talk on the phone with someone. I would much rather be able to respond to a text. I think it is a know your crowd thing.

I agree, I think this is maybe generational? I FaceTime with my sister when it's something big, but we always schedule it via text first.

ahoywedding · January 2017

charlotte989875 said:

ernursej said:

CMGragain said:

Knottie1464707323 said:

Thanks guys - I did send her a text message asking her if everything is ok because she missed the shower. Let's see if she responds.

Text message? Pick up the damn phone and call her in person!!!!!

For a lot of people, responding to a text might be easier than a phone call. If I was upset, I wouldn't want to talk on the phone with someone. I would much rather be able to respond to a text. I think it is a know your crowd thing.

I agree, I think this is maybe generational? I FaceTime with my sister when it's something big, but we always schedule it via text first.

100%. With work & life schedules, I never know when I'm going to catch someone at a time they can talk. I'd much rather send a text saying "hey is everything alright? want to talk later?" and set up a time for that conversation when I know neither of us will be interrupted or distracted.

Also my job is almost all on the phone so I rarely answer it unless I'm expecting a call.

[Deleted User] · January 2017

Well it’s been 24 hours and she hasn’t returned my text or my bridesmaid’s message through Facebook – and she has been active. At this point I just hope she is ok even if she was rude. Thanks for all your advice!

holyguacamole79 · January 2017

Knottie1464707323 said:

Well it’s been 24 hours and she hasn’t returned my text or my bridesmaid’s message through Facebook – and she has been active. At this point I just hope she is ok even if she was rude. Thanks for all your advice!

No matter what, still send her an invite. Trust me - I was once given a save the date & was then not invited to the wedding. It felt pretty crappy.

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d · January 2017

I may be going against the norm here but I think at the end of the day it's up to you. Wedding "etiquette" would probably be a yes you should but honestly I think it comes down to how much you value her in the present, now. In my humble opinion if she was a no show and couldn't even call or text either way about shower -- unless it was a true life emergency or a death in the family etc., then she has her own agenda and unfortunately it doesn't sound like you gals are on same page. I'm dealing with a similar instance someone who I used to be close with, Kade the gesture of inviting to my engagement party and she didn't show and sent me a measely excuse why a few days later...and I've decided not to invite her to my wedding. When people want to be there for you they will be there or at least have the tact to let you know and perhaps even try to "make it up to you." Again this is just my opinion but at the end of the day I'd say pray about it and go with you gut.

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d · January 2017

I also wanted to say that if you're on the fence about you could call her and see if she's okay. maybe you'd have more peace of mind by giving a call as well

charlotte989875 · January 2017

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:

I may be going against the norm here but I think at the end of the day it's up to you. Wedding "etiquette" would probably be a yes you should but honestly I think it comes down to how much you value her in the present, now. In my humble opinion if she was a no show and couldn't even call or text either way about shower -- unless it was a true life emergency or a death in the family etc., then she has her own agenda and unfortunately it doesn't sound like you gals are on same page. I'm dealing with a similar instance someone who I used to be close with, Kade the gesture of inviting to my engagement party and she didn't show and sent me a measely excuse why a few days later...and I've decided not to invite her to my wedding. When people want to be there for you they will be there or at least have the tact to let you know and perhaps even try to "make it up to you." Again this is just my opinion but at the end of the day I'd say pray about it and go with you gut.

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:

I also wanted to say that if you're on the fence about you could call her and see if she's okay. maybe you'd have more peace of mind by giving a call as well

This is a pretty terrible way to treat your friends. You're ascribing motives to people, and assuming things about their intentions that quite possibly aren't there.

Also, people I love and care about couldn't attend my wedding, for a variety of reasons. I never once expected them to try and "make it up to me".

InLoveInQueens · January 2017

charlotte989875 said:

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:

I may be going against the norm here but I think at the end of the day it's up to you. Wedding "etiquette" would probably be a yes you should but honestly I think it comes down to how much you value her in the present, now. In my humble opinion if she was a no show and couldn't even call or text either way about shower -- unless it was a true life emergency or a death in the family etc., then she has her own agenda and unfortunately it doesn't sound like you gals are on same page. I'm dealing with a similar instance someone who I used to be close with, Kade the gesture of inviting to my engagement party and she didn't show and sent me a measely excuse why a few days later...and I've decided not to invite her to my wedding. When people want to be there for you they will be there or at least have the tact to let you know and perhaps even try to "make it up to you." Again this is just my opinion but at the end of the day I'd say pray about it and go with you gut.

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:

I also wanted to say that if you're on the fence about you could call her and see if she's okay. maybe you'd have more peace of mind by giving a call as well

This is a pretty terrible way to treat your friends. You're ascribing motives to people, and assuming things about their intentions that quite possibly aren't there.

Also, people I love and care about couldn't attend my wedding, for a variety of reasons. I never once expected them to try and "make it up to me".

Don't be surprised that she treats her "friends" like that, just look at her posting history. Sometimes people just don't care about all the pre-wedding parties, apparently that means anyone who declines doesn't deserve a wedding invitation. I agree, declining or not going to an event doesn't require "making it up" to anyone.

Yeah, hyperbole, but how awful would you feel if you weren't able to go to an engagement party or just plain old didn't feel like it and then the bride blows up your whole relationship and ends the friendship over it? Because that's what this Knottie# is doing. I hope people don't actually take her advise, but you just know lurkers or people who feel like regular poster's advice is harsh and rude and etiquette doesn't apply to them will think she's the only voice of reason in a sea of [obviously good but terrible to them] advice.

LondonLisa · January 2017

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:

I may be going against the norm here but I think at the end of the day it's up to you. Wedding "etiquette" would probably be a yes you should but honestly I think it comes down to how much you value her in the present, now. In my humble opinion if she was a no show and couldn't even call or text either way about shower -- unless it was a true life emergency or a death in the family etc., then she has her own agenda and unfortunately it doesn't sound like you gals are on same page. I'm dealing with a similar instance someone who I used to be close with, Kade the gesture of inviting to my engagement party and she didn't show and sent me a measely excuse why a few days later...and I've decided not to invite her to my wedding. When people want to be there for you they will be there or at least have the tact to let you know and perhaps even try to "make it up to you." Again this is just my opinion but at the end of the day I'd say pray about it and go with you gut.

You're so right. Friendships should really be about keeping score and what people have done for you most recently rather than looking at a breadth of years together. Or even finding out what is going on for that matter. Treat them like McDonald's employees: no show, no friendship. Everyone knows the level of coo-ing and faffing over a toaster is how you know who your true friends are. In fact, you should rank all your friends by level of adoration the have over kitchen aid's finest with a late-night chat show applause-o-metre. Only the top 10 loudest are your TRUE friends, and should be rewarded with invitations. Ghost everyone else.

I hope your friends remember your shitty, selfish attitude when you go through a rough patch...

I'd say you should pray on that, but I wonder if you could muster an 'amen' with your head so far up your own arse.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2017

Knottie1464707323 said:

Well it’s been 24 hours and she hasn’t returned my text or my bridesmaid’s message through Facebook – and she has been active. At this point I just hope she is ok even if she was rude. Thanks for all your advice!

I'd call her to see if she's ok.

mollybarker11 · February 2017

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:

I think it comes down to how much you value her in the present, now. In my humble opinion if she was a no show and couldn't even call or text either way about shower -- unless it was a true life emergency or a death in the family etc., then she has her own agenda and unfortunately it doesn't sound like you gals are on same page. I'm dealing with a similar instance someone who I used to be close with, Kade the gesture of inviting to my engagement party and she didn't show and sent me a measely excuse why a few days later...and I've decided not to invite her to my wedding.

Uninviting someone to your wedding (which is what that is) is almost guaranteed to be a friendship-ending move.

If a few months of "not being on the same page" is enough for you to want to end a friendship that's fine, whatever. But the mature thing would be to verbally express that (letting her realize how important the no-show was to you, because it wouldn't be THAT big a deal to most people), instead of passive-aggressively expressing it with the absence of a wedding invitation.

Save the date was mailed but no call, no show to shower. Invite to wedding still?

Re: Save the date was mailed but no call, no show to shower. Invite to wedding still?

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