Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
NiceKindaSpice
member
Are Dry Weddings Unfair to Guests?
Hello! I'm new to this site but I have partaken in other sites' forums. My feedback there and what I've found perusing these boards is conflicting advice. I'm posting my question again here, along with the information I've thus gathered. I've separated it into QUESTION and BACKGROUND for your convenience. Thank you in advance! Please help me understand what actually is within etiquette:
QUESTION
Is it poor etiquette for us to not host our guests with an open bar (as opposed to a dry wedding)?
I certainly wouldn't want our guests to miss out. If I don't do an open bar, would it be acceptable to just provide a nice bottle or two of wine in the appropriate parties' welcome baskets? As an apology for my wedding not having the opportunity for them to indulge?
BACKGROUND
My fiancé and I are of a religion that prohibits the consumption of alcohol. However, we are also not to mandate our practices on those who don't share our beliefs. That said, we are, with our families, hosting a wedding of ~350 people. Of those people, <60 are open to drinking alcohol. We will have freshly made juices, blended beverages, teas and coffees, and carbonated drinks available.
Note: Between my FH and I, we do actually have a personal and intimate relationship with each and every one of these people.
I know the ones that don't drink actually don't drink because of one or more of the following: religion, being sober for personal/health reasons, having a career that has them on call and/or requires sobriety, being underage.
Note 2: In my culture, wedding toasts are not a custom. We celebrate the B&G in other ways.
(An example, because I was badgered about this being possible on one of my other posts on another site: people come to the B&G and feed the couple traditional sweets and fruit with their hands as a way of passing blessings. Please don't shame this custom as it's special to us and I respect it if you're not into it. I wouldn't force anyone to partake.)
Here is the advice I received on my posts about this on other sites:
• I cannot guarantee that people don't drink even if they're members of a religion that prohibits it.
• > Thereby I shouldn't assume they wouldn't like to drink and should offer them an opportunity to drink because that is their right as a guest.
• People will want drinks to toast. (Please see Note 2)
• Weddings without alcohol are not fun.
• > Since it is rude to not entertain guests, an open bar is necessary for everyone.
My culture that I was brought up with is that of my parents' homeland, although I've been raised in the States - where my wedding will be held. I figured that the above advice was the norm in the States. I just began looking for how to arrange an open bar despite contentions from my FH. Then I stumbled here and now I'm confused. Thanks for helping me out!
Best Answers
-
LondonLisa
member
Dry weddings are not rude in the slightest. But what is rude is having staggered hosting (drinks only at some points if the wedding) or having guests open their purse (cash bar).NiceKindaSpice said:Hello! I'm new to this site but I have partaken in other sites' forums. My feedback there and what I've found perusing these boards is conflicting advice. I'm posting my question again here, along with the information I've thus gathered. I've separated it into QUESTION and BACKGROUND for your convenience. Thank you in advance! Please help me understand what actually is within etiquette:QUESTIONIs it poor etiquette for us to not host our guests with an open bar (as opposed to a dry wedding)?I certainly wouldn't want our guests to miss out. If I don't do an open bar, would it be acceptable to just provide a nice bottle or two of wine in the appropriate parties' welcome baskets? As an apology for my wedding not having the opportunity for them to indulge?BACKGROUNDMy fiancé and I are of a religion that prohibits the consumption of alcohol. However, we are also not to mandate our practices on those who don't share our beliefs. That said, we are, with our families, hosting a wedding of ~350 people. Of those people, <60 are open to drinking alcohol. We will have freshly made juices, blended beverages, teas and coffees, and carbonated drinks available.Note: Between my FH and I, we do actually have a personal and intimate relationship with each and every one of these people.I know the ones that don't drink actually don't drink because of one or more of the following: religion, being sober for personal/health reasons, having a career that has them on call and/or requires sobriety, being underage.Note 2: In my culture, wedding toasts are not a custom. We celebrate the B&G in other ways.(An example, because I was badgered about this being possible on one of my other posts on another site: people come to the B&G and feed the couple traditional sweets and fruit with their hands as a way of passing blessings. Please don't shame this custom as it's special to us and I respect it if you're not into it. I wouldn't force anyone to partake.)Here is the advice I received on my posts about this on other sites:• I cannot guarantee that people don't drink even if they're members of a religion that prohibits it.• > Thereby I shouldn't assume they wouldn't like to drink and should offer them an opportunity to drink because that is their right as a guest.• People will want drinks to toast. (Please see Note 2)• Weddings without alcohol are not fun.• > Since it is rude to not entertain guests, an open bar is necessary for everyone.My culture that I was brought up with is that of my parents' homeland, although I've been raised in the States - where my wedding will be held. I figured that the above advice was the norm in the States. I just began looking for how to arrange an open bar despite contentions from my FH. Then I stumbled here and now I'm confused. Thanks for helping me out!
It seems like having a dry wedding would be the easiest for you. Yes, you cannot control if another adult will go out and drink from a hip flask. However, I would find that fairly disrespectful. I've been to Pakistani, Indian and Saudi weddings that were all dry, and I had a great time. Although I would be confused if I had wine at some points, and then not others.
You dont one need to provide wine in a welcome basket at all. You have no reason to apologise. One of my best friends is British-Punjabi, and her wedding was vegetarian. It was amazing! She didn't give me a packet of bacon to apologise
-
ILoveBeachMusic
member
I totally agree with LondonLisa. As long as you are providing a variety of non-alcoholic drinks you are fine. Religious reasons are very good reasons for not serving alcohol along with the other reasons you mentioned. Heck, budget is just as good a reason to not serve it. The advice you received elsewhere is wrong. Good luck with your planning. -
SP29 member
Your requirement as the host here is to offer your guests food and drink appropriate to the time of day -i.e. a meal at a meal time, some variety of something to drink. WHAT you actually provide is up to you, and your guests should graciously accept it.
Alcohol is not a right. That would be like saying you HAVE to serve filet mignon at a wedding because people like meat and expect a good meal at a wedding- it is their RIGHT to eat steak! Nope.
Enjoy your dry wedding!
(And no, you do not put wine in the welcome baskets. If your guests want to go get their own alcohol before or after your wedding, they can do that themselves, like adults).
-
climbingsingle
member
It's totally fine to have a dry wedding! I've been to them before and had a great time. You do not need to serve alcohol for your guests to have fun, and that notion is ridiculous.
What's considered rude would be to have a cash bar. Your guests shouldn't have to open their wallets for anything at your hosted event.
Re: Are Dry Weddings Unfair to Guests?
Also just because someone may want an alcholic alcoholic beverage doesn't mean you have to provide them. Think of it this way, if you were part of a culture that didn't eat pork, but a small fraction really did like pork and were used to eating it at weddings, would you feel obligated to serve something you and the majority of your guests don't eat, just to satisfy someone's preferences when your provided them perfectly fine beef?
I think your plans sound lovely and that you are providing many different beverages for guests to choose from.
P.S. Can I crash your wedding?
Honestly, I too thought exactly what you are all saying above. It wasn't until I addressed another dry wedding post on another forum that I was told alcohol is a must. Those forums are pretty USA-centric and seem to have a distaste for dry wedding. Hence I thought it was a culture issue.
@charlotte989875: The wastefulness was my biggest issue with the open bar. It's one of the main reasons why I wanted to verify.
Thank you again!
Sure, there are lots of people out there who equate a celebration with alcohol. But nobody is entitled to alcohol for celebratory purposes.
I think there's more negativity with the people who are like, "I don't want people getting drunk on my dime!" versus people who actually have religious reasons or simply just don't drink.
If you are having a dry wedding because you're religious or it's not part of your practice I understand that far more than when a couple opts for a dry wedding to cut costs or to try to parent guests by deciding how much alcohol they can consume.
(Also seconding that there's no need to provide wine in a welcome basket!)
While I appreciate your desire not to force your beliefs in your guests, your guests are not entitled to alcohol.
The reasoning of "Our guests turn into buffoons when they drink too much and they'll drink too much if there's [an open bar / liquor / any alcohol]" does come across as patronizing.
Of course none of this applies to OP, just my two cents.
That's clearly not the case here, and I obviously think dry weddings are perfectly within etiquette.
The point is that in the OP's circle, alcohol isn't even expected on a social level.
Sometimes, even in circles where it's the norm, the hosts might choose for whatever reason not to provide it. Guests who miss it that badly can have an after-party of their own where alcohol is served, but if it's rude for guests to criticize the hospitality for other non-violations of etiquette, isn't it just as rude to do so for the lack of alcohol?
@STARMOON44 makes great comparisons with the breakfast for dinner option or other alcoholic options. You could also argue that a dessert reception should have more than dessert but a couple doesn't HAVE to provide it.
In the OP's case, alcohol isn't consumed and it's not a big deal to omit it.
OP - Also, know that its perfectly fine to toast with non-alcoholic beverages - if anyone offers you a toast. A toast can be made with any beverage in hand.
If I were attending your wedding, I would not be expecting alcohol knowing your beliefs. So I don't think you need to worry about a small portion of your guests, who do drink, to expect it at your wedding.
I would think its weird to have a bottle of wine in my welcome basket (which are also an extra) and then not having it offered at all during the reception. So just have no alcohol all around.
No one has said not providing alcohol is rude. No one said it's acceptable to criticize couples that don't provide alcohol.
The point some of us are trying to make is that alcohol is a norm in our circles/families/culture and not an extra. That's it.
But do most hosts of dry weddings voluntarily indicate the reason there isn't any booze or even announce before the wedding that it's dry?
If it's because they're worried about drunkenness, yeah, I can see how announcing that would be offensive. But how would anyone know what the reason is if the hosts don't volunteer that information? Is it even polite to ask why there isn't any alcohol?
No snark or criticism intended, just curious.